Best Player: RHP Zac Gallen. Through 27 career starts for the Marlins and Diamondbacks, The 25 year old Gallen has had the look of a top end starter posting a 2.78 ERA with 10.5 strikeouts per 9 innings. He finished 6th in the NL last year giving up only 6.875 hits per 9 innings. Gallen was the only pitcher on the Diamondbacks to start more than 5 games last season and have an ERA under 5 so this wasn’t an especially tough selection.

Fun Player: RF Kole Calhoun. Kole Calhoun just sounds like a baseball name. He has a crisp generic ballplayer goatee. He’s vaguely portly with a head attached directly to his shoulders. He uses that boulder neck to headbutt throws. He mashes taters (33 home runs in 2019 and 16 in just 54 games last year) and has a rocket arm. Ideal baseball man in my book.

ree — This Is What Peak Athletic Performance Looks Like

Is Their Owner A Scumbag?: Ken Kendrick is actually one of the poorer owners in the league with a net worth of only $600 million from founding software development company Datatel, Inc. Kendrick is just kind of a run of the mill rich guy who first bought into the Diamondbacks at their 1995 inception. He and his wife raised funds in 2016 for Marco Rubio, who sucks but certainly wasn’t the worst of the ghouls available at the time. More alarmingly, he dug some change from under his couch to donate the maximum allowable amount, $2,800, to gun toting dipshit Colorado Rep. Laueren Boebert in 2020. He offsets this fairly banal evil, by making numerous contributions to the Cleveland Clinic and serving on the board of numerous charities. Kendrick also owns the most expensive trading card in the world, a $2.8 million Honus Wagner card previously owned by Wayne Gretzky which is a nice centerpiece to any villainous lair.

Are They Trying To Win?: After a surprisingly strong 2019, the D-Backs went all in last offseason with some big moves and failed miserably. The biggest name disappointment was presumed ace LHP Madison Bumgarner who went 1-4 with a 6.48 ERA and only 30 strikeouts in 41.2 innings pitched. Bumgarner was a 4-time All-Star and World Series MVP with the Giants so needless to say Arizona expected considerably better numbers out of him when they signed him to a 5 year $85 million contract last offseason. Offensively, 2B Ketel Marte went from MVP numbers in 2019 (.329/.389/.592 32 HR) to a rather pedestrian 2020 (.287/.323/.409 2 HR in 45 games) and 3B Eduardo Escobar followed the best year of his career (.269/.320/.511 35 HR 118 RBI) with the worst (.212/.270/.335 4 HR in 54 2020 games). With these slips in performance and little hope of competing with the top of their division, the D-Backs didn’t do much this offseason. They added a couple of former All-Star relievers RHP Joakim Soria (Career 3.01 ERA) and RHP Tyler Clippard (Career 3.13 ERA) to shore up the back of their bullpen. They also added ancient infielder Asdrubal Cabrera to squeeze out whatever juice remains in his 35 year old legs on a miniscule $1.75 million 1 year deal. Look for the reigning champ Dodgers and upstart Padres to blow them out routinely in the NL West.

Colorado Rockies

Last Season: 26-34, 4th Place in NL West, Missed Playoffs

Best Player: SS Trevor Story. The exact type of all-around gifted player at a high value position you want to build a franchise around. Unfortunately this offseason’s trade of 3B Nolan Arenado revealed the Rockies to be severally allergic to retaining such talents, even after signing them to long term contracts. With only this year left on Story’s current contract, it’s going to be a real bummer to watch him inevitably hit 35 home runs and steal 20 bases annually with the Yankees while turning double plays with fellow Rockies cast off 2B DJ LeMahieu.

Fun Player: RHP Antonio Senzatela. In 2020, Senzatela was an efficient control pitcher which isn’t flashy or exciting but is a fun anomaly in a league now driven heavily by strikeouts. Senzatela had the league’s lowest strikeouts per 9 innings among qualified pitchers at 5.0 yet finished with a very respectable 3.44 ERA. While Senzatela wasn’t single handedly taking down many batters, he wasn’t given them any free bases either handing out only 18 walks across 73.1 innings good for the 7th best rate in the National League. He’s also a fun throwback in that he cannot hit a lick going 1 for 40 in 2019 with 5 sacrifice bunts.

Is Their Owner A Scumbag?: Richard L. Monfort and his younger brother Charlie initially bought into the original Rockies ownership group in 1993. They became primary owners in 2005 after buying out Jerry McMorris. Their father owned a meat packing and distribution company later sold to ConAgra foods for 365.5 million in 1987 dollars. They’re now worth roughly $700 million which still leaves them near the bottom of the MLB pecking order which may explain why they jettisoned Nolan Arenado and his just two year old $260 million contract extension for used socks this offseason. They actually paid the Cardinals $50 million to get out of paying the other $164 million remaining over the next 6 years of the deal. They sound like some real broke boys. Perhaps this trade got approved while the baseball operations staff was busy vacuuming because rather than hire back furloughed part time workers, the Monforts had full time front office staff working as clubhouse attendants at all 2020 home games. Dick has no doubt been in contact with the Smithsonian to see if he can unload Dinger’s bones as well.

Are They Trying To Win?: I defy anyone to look at what they got back from St. Louis for a perennial MVP candidate and try and tell me with a straight face that they are. Outside of Story, OF Charlie Blackmon is about the only intriguing piece in their lineup. He’s still pretty good at the plate (.303 BA in 2020) but had a noticeable dip in power (SLG .448 in 2020 compared to .505 for his previous career) that could mark an imminent decline for someone turning 35 later this season. The Rockies pitchers had the worst ERA in the NL at 5.59 in 2020. To proactively address this glaring weakness, the Rockies are rolling with the exact same crew. Starters RHP Chi Chi Gonzalez (6.86 ERA), RHP Jon Gray (6.69 ERA), and bullpen arms Jairo Diaz (7.65 ERA), Carlos Estevez (7.50 ERA) are all back and had worse ERA’s than backup catcher Drew Butera (5.40). Look for these atrocious arms and the inevitable Story trade to help keep the Coors Field stands socially distanced for years to come.

Los Angeles Dodgers

Last Season: , 1st in NL West, Won World Series 4-2 Over Tampa Bay

Best Player: OF Mookie Betts. The Dodgers were able to acquire a top 5 player in the league for scrap parts because one of the most valuable franchises in all of sports was afraid to pay him. The Dodgers have no such qualms about spending their Scrooge McDuckian vault of money and signed Mookie to a 12 year $365 million extension before he even suited up for his first game in white and blue. If anything, Betts made that look like a potential bargain in the truncated season. During the regular season Betts slashed .293/.366/.562 while chipping in 16 home runs (3rd in NL) and 10 stolen bases (5th in NL) in 55 games. More important to the previously snake bitten Dodgers was his playoff performance where Betts put up .296/.343/.409 overall including launching 2 dingers and swiping 4 bags in 6 World Series games to help deliver the team’s first title since 1988.

Fun Player: 3B Justin Turner. Turner infamously tested positive for Covid during the final game of the World Series. He was then told to isolate but found his way back on the field for team celebration and took photos without a mask. He assumed he was good to go despite carrying the disease because no one stopped him from going on the field. Perhaps unrelated but 5 members of the organization tested positive the week after the game. What a rascal.

ree — I’m not sure I’d want to sit near a guy looking like this even under normal conditions

Is Their Owner A Scumbag?: Mark Walter, the billionaire CEO of Guggenheim Partners, a financial service firm with nearly $300 billion in assets bought the team for a record $2.15 billion in 2012. His ownership group includes Magic Johnson which is fun. Less fun, the $8.35 billion TV deal he negotiated with Time Warner in 2013 that left more than half of Southern California without access to Dodgers games for 6 seasons.

Are they good?: Having won the World Series last season, you would think some of the pressure to do so is off but the Dodgers remain very much all in on winning. No clearer is this intention than with the signing of 2020 NL Cy Young winner Trevor Bauer to add to a pitching staff that already led the NL in ERA. The starting rotation will include future hall of famer LHP Clayton Kershaw (6-2 2.16 ERA) and young 100 mph chucking stud RHP Walker Buehler. RHP Dustin May and RHP Tony Gonsolin both had ERA’s under 3 last season and one will likely be pitching out of the bullpen. Also likely only making spot starts and coming out of the bullpen will be 5-time All-Star and 2012 AL Cy Young winner LHP David Price who was just a salary dump throw in of the Mookie Betts trade. Add in closer RHP Kanley Jansen and his career 13.2 K/9 and you have an embarrassment of riches on the mound. Then you get into a lineup that returns 5 guys who hit double digit home runs in a 60 game slate so we could be talking at least 25 long bombs apiece over 2021. What’s truly terrifying for the rest of the league is 2019 NL MVP Cody Bellinger kind of sucked last year (.239/.333/.455). He is quite likely to rebound and make the 6 month season a punishing slog for the patchwork bullpens at the bottom of the NL West.

San Diego Padres

Last Season: 37-23, 2nd in NL West, Lost NLDS 3-0 to L.A. Dodgers

Best Player: 3B Manny Machado. For now (See Fun Player below). Machado had his best year at the plate in 2020 (.304/.370/.580 16 HR in 60 games) after a fairly disappointing start to his 10 year $300 million deal in 2019 (.256/.334/.462 32 HR in 156 games). Still just 28 years old, the 4 time All-Star is entering his 10th big league season and should have several more years of the prime production that left him 3rd in last year’s NL MVP voting.

Fun Player: SS Fernando Tatis Jr. MLB has been struggling with a dwindling fan base for years but may just have found a vibrant face of the league for the next decade plus. He’s 22 years old. He does batflips. He has cool hair. Cooler shades. He’s a ridiculously smooth fielder. He makes $340 million over the next 14 years. If this guy can’t get kids into baseball the sport is truly done for. Hopefully the league can resist the urge to tell him to not hit cool as hell home runs.

ree — Every little leaguer in America should have this photo on their wall

Is Their Owner A Scumbag?: I hate to say this about the founder and managing partner of a $3 billion private equity firm but Peter Seidler seems pretty chill. As a third generation team owner (nephew of former Dodgers owner Peter O’Malley, grandson of Walter O’Malley who moved the Dodgers from Brooklyn to L.A.), he seems fairly uninterested in typical rich guy trappings. Seidler seems genuinely humbled by his experience beating non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma twice and does a lot of work for the San Diego homeless community including erecting industrial temporary shelter tents. Based on this admittedly puff piece profile in Ranch & Coast “San Diego’s Luxury Living Magazine,” he just likes to hang out with his spiritual healer wife in the backyard eating hotdogs and dumplings.

Are Trying To Win?: Arguably more than any other team in the league. They’ve added more payroll than any team this offseason, just two years removed from signing Machado to his then record 10 year contract. While most teams have been trying to shed stars before having to resign them, the Padres have been saying gimmie, gimmie, gimmie. LHP Blake Snell is a Cy Young winner. RHP Yu Darvish, is in the MLB record books as the ALL-TIME strikeouts per 9 inning leader (Min. 1000 innings pitched) and just had the best year of his stateside career to finish 2nd in NL Cy Young voting. Even if you make it through the beefed up starters, 2020 signing LHP Drew Pomeranz was lights out in the pen (1.45 ERA 29 K in 18.2 innings). Homegrown talent like RHP Dinelson Lamet (3-1 2.09 ERA 93 K in 69 2020 innings) supplement these acquisitions to give the Padres a top 2 team in the league. The only problem is the other top team is their division rival Dodgers. The regular season could prove make or break for either club as the 2nd place finisher will face a 1 game elimination game while the other may secure home field through the playoffs.

San Francisco Giants

Last Season: 29-31, 3rd in NL West, Missed Playoffs

Best Player: OF Mike Yastrzemski. I know what diehard fans of Jimmy Fallon rom-com Fever Pitch will certainly be asking, is he related to that other Yastrzemski guy? He is indeed the grandson of Hall of Fame Red Sox legend Carl. But apparently nepotism only gets you so far in baseball because Mike was 28 years old before he made his major league debut. After 4 years at Vanderbilt and 6.5 season in minors, Yas finally got the call up at the end of May in 2019 and has tore it up since slashing .281/.357/.535 with 31 HR in 161 MLB games. Just 13 and a half more seasons exactly like that and he’ll be nipping right at his grandfather’s 452 HR total.

Fun Player: RHP Johnny Cueto. No longer the true ace he was in his 2 time All-Star and World Series winning heyday, Cueto is still a very fun watch due to his many quirky deliveries. I do mean deliveries plural as Cueto is the king of messing with hitters timing by pitching from different weird hitchy windups. Throw in some Little League style quick pitches and hitters never know what’s coming their way.

I don’t know how any batter stays composed watching these spasms out on the mound

Is Their Owner A Scumbag?: Greg Johnson took over for his father Charles Johnson in 2019 as controlling owner. At the age of 24 Charles became the CEO of Franklin Templeton, his father’s investment company. As of October 2020 Franklin Templeton oversaw $1.4 Trillion in assets. At the age of 24 I purchased my first ironing board with some overtime funds I had accumulated. My Under Armour performance chinos have never been crisper. There’s little out there about the younger Johnson but I can tell you in 2018 both his parents both donated the maximum allowable $2700 to Mississippi Senator Cindy Hyde-Smith who made a lynching joke on the campaign trail. Charles wrote her a stern letter and got their money back, which they then added $1000 to before giving it over to Special Edition 2nd Amendment Barbie Lauren Boebert for her 2020 campaign.

Are Trying To Win?: They would be if this season was taking place in 2015. Otherwise this team is unbelievably old. OF Mauricio Dubon is likely going to be the only opening day starter under the age of 30. The youngest arm in the rotation is 28 year old Aaron Sanchez. Should any of their brittle bones and aged ligaments not hold up, 37 year old 3-time All-Star LHP Scott Kazmir, who has not pitched in the majors since 2016, is waiting in the wings in AAA. They still have homegrown legends C Buster Posey, 1B Brandon Belt and SS Brandon Crawford around from their 2010-14 teams that captured 3 titles. Belt’s 2020 (.309/.425/.591) showed there may still be some life in those bats but it’s hard to imagine Fernado Tatis isn’t looking at playing this squad 19 times like:

NL CENTRAL

Chicago Cubs

Last Season: 34-26, 1st Place in NL Central, Lost Wild Card Series 2-0 to Miami Marlins

Best Player: SS Javier Baez. Baez flat out sucked last season (.203/.238/.360). However, considering the disruption of Covid and looking at his career numbers (.264/.304/.473), this seems a lot more likely to be a fluke than his 2018 2nd place MVP finish (.290/.326/.554 34 HR 21 SB). Important to note that a good portion of Baez’s value also comes from his flashy glove work that has earned him the nickname “El Mago” (The Magician). Even with his struggles at the plate Baez still managed to secure his first Gold Glove at shortstop last season. I'm continually amazed at how cool he makes tagging runners look:

Fun Player: RHP Craig Kimbrel. Nothing heightens the excitement of the later innings like a reliever equally liable to strike out the side or blow a 2 run lead. The undisputed best closer in baseball from 2011-2014, Kimbrel still throws absolute filth (16.4 K/9 in 2020). What truly makes him a blast to watch however is that he appears to have lost all semblance of control his last two seasons on the North Side. In 36 innings with the Cubs Kimbrel has a 6.00 ERA and has walked 24 batters while giving up 11 dingers. A dominant September (13 K 0 ER in 7.1 inning) has this wild card once again set to close games. With the sausage intake levels of the Chicagoland area this could prove a more cardiovascular dangerous endeavor than an unmasked L Train ride.

Is Their Owner A Scumbag?: J. Joe Ricketts, an elderly Islamophobe, founded TD Ameritrade and purchased the Cubs in 2009 before turning them over to his feuding trust fund children. Tom Ricketts, who serves as chairman, ended the 72 years of free Cubs games aired on WGN and turned the TV deal over to notorious Sinclair Broadcasting. Pete Ricketts is the brain genius governor of Nebraska, which sure, I guess that’s a state. Laura Ricketts in a fun twist is technically actually the first openly gay owner of a major league sports franchise and a prominent LGBTQ activist and Democratic Party fundraiser. Todd Rickets was the chief finance chair of the Trump Victory Committee/chief fundraiser for Trump’s re-election campaign. Fairly par for the course for wealthy finance billionaires to support political causes but working directly for Gordon Gekko’s combed over excrement is a bit more odious than your run of the mill tax dodging. The most egregious aspect of the Ricketts however has been their overt cheapskateness that has driven fan favorites OF Kyle Schwarber and LHP Jon Lester out of town and left stars of the $3 billion+ franchise perpetually on the trading block.

Are They Trying To Win?: Nope. One of the most successful executives in the history of the sport, Theo Epstein, up and bailed on the team at the conclusion of last season rather than face down their imminent dismantling. An argument could be made that Lester and Schwarber were allowed to walk due to performance decline but RHP Yu Darvish was traded just months after finishing 2nd in Cy Young voting with 3 years left on his deal. In return for Darvish, the Cubs received some nondescript minor leaguer along with RHP Zach Davies, who is fine (Career 3.79 ERA), but more importantly to the Ricketts, much cheaper. The Cubs did re-sign 2015 NL Cy Young winner RHP Jake Arrieta after 3 years with the Phillies but it reads as a cynical nostalgia play by ownership towards fans to offset the loss of these other former standouts. Arrieta’s ERA has ballooned each of the last 5 seasons culminating in a 5.08 eyesore in 9 2020 starts. If Baez, C Wilson Contreras and 3B Kris Bryant can all stay healthy and more pressingly, avoid being traded, this team could squeak into the playoffs out of the weak NL Central but that’s about it.

Cincinnati Reds

Last Season: 31-29, 2nd Place in NL Central, Lost NL Wild Card Series 2-0 to Atlanta

Best Player: RHP Luis Castillo. Don’t let his 4-6 record fool you, this 2019 All-Star had his best season yet posting a 3.21 ERA and striking out 89 in 70 2020 innings. While juiced balls were decimating cardboard cutouts left and right, Castillo actually cut his home run rate down to a career low 0.643 per 9 innings, good for 3rd best in the NL. He throws upper 90’s 2 seam cheese and has one of the most devastating darting changeups in the league.

Fun Player: OF Shogo Akiyama. A 2020 foreign import, Akiyama set the Japanese NPB record for hits in a season twice (2015, 2016) before joining the Reds. Akiyama struggled a bit in his first year stateside but a global pandemic and truncated Spring Training likely did him no favors for acclimating. One aspect of his game he did have on full display however was his 6-time Golden Glove winning defense. The NPB is widely regarded as the second best professional baseball league in the world so his career .301/.376/.454 line sets fairly high expectations for an offensive bounce back in 2021.

Is Their Owner A Scumbag: Robert H. Castellini is a veritable pauper in the league ownership circle with a net worth of only $400 million. Castellini inherited and grew his family’s fruit and vegetable wholesaling company. He’s been dabbling in team ownership for the better part of his life previously being a partner in both the Texas Rangers and the Baltimore Orioles. He seems to just be an obscenely wealthy man from Cincinnati that enjoys baseball.

Are They Trying To Win?: They tried and failed to win so they are no longer trying. Desperate to snap a 6 year losing streak, the Reds took a big swing last offseason signing prized free agents OF Nick Castellanos and 2B Mike Moustakas to pair with their All-Star pitching acquisitions from 2019, RHP Sonny Gray and RHP Trevor Bauer. Other than an iconic home run call for the ages, the freshly signed duo produced little of anything for the club with neither hitting above .230. Cincinnati did just barely secure a winning season, but after a disappointing first round sweeping decided not to do much of anything to improve the roster while Cy Young winner Bauer left the sloppy chili bowls of Cincinnati for the bright lights of LA. The offense was dead last in the NL with a pathetic .212 batting average but along with Castellanos and Moustakas had a few other underachieving stars. 3B Eugenio Suarez was one of the best third basemen in the league putting up .277/.362/.550 with 83 HR from 2018-19 and while the pop remained to hit 15 dingers he barely topped the Mendoza line hitting .202. One player that will likely not bounce back is 2010 NL MVP 1B Joey Votto who following 3 years of steady decline looks to be quite thoroughly washed.

Milwaukee Brewers

Last Season: 29-31, 4th in NL Central, Lost Wild Card Series 2-0 to LA Dodgers

Best Player: OF Christian Yelich. Yelich won the NL MVP in 2018 (.326/.402/.598 36 HR) and was even better in 2019 (.329/.429/.671 44 HR 30 SB) before fracturing his right knee cap 130 games into the season. He had a miserable 2020 season hitting .205 with 76 K to just 39 hits. To be fair, he was no doubt exhausted from his extensive press tour for The King of Staten Island.

Fun Player: RHP Devin Williams. Albeit a limited sample, but Williams essentially broke baseball last season. NL Rookie of the year had a miniscule 0.33 ERA and a staggering 53 K in 27 innings pitched. He struck out an MLB record 53% of batters he faced. Falling just a single strikeout short of 2 per inning is some insane whiffle ball shit. He walked more batters than he gave up hits (9 to 8). He throws heaters in the high 90’s and then has perhaps the most unhittable pitch in all of baseball with his changeup. Batters were 2-62 against his changeup with 41 strikeouts. Any ERA+ over 100 means you’re above average. His was 1375. This is disgusting:

Is Their Owner A Scumbag?: Mark Attanasio made his money (net worth $700 million) co-founding Crescent Capital Group, an investment firm that dealt in junk bonds. No doubt inspired by iconic 2004 Bernie Mac comedy Mr. 3000, Attanasio purchased the Brewers in 2005. Attanasio claims to be unafraid of busting a budget here and there to sign some deals for the smaller market Brew Crew. Upon my Google investigation he seems relatively clean for his immense wealth. His most dastardly villainy has been selling the naming rights of the stadium to a company unaffiliated with beer so perfectly named Miller Park, is now called American Family Field. I also discovered that his brother wrote Donnie Brasco, which is a pretty good movie to watch during a rain delay.

Are They Trying To Win?: Cautiously. They went for it big in the budget crunching year 2019 but have since pulled back the reins a bit. However with a weak division and recent MVP on the roster, the Brew Crew are still making some smaller moves with an eye towards the playoffs. This offseason they added 2016 All-Star OF Jackie Bradley Jr. and 2-time Gold Glove winning 2B Kolten Wong. There will be a rest vs rust situation playing out for the soon to be 35 year old OF Lorenzo Cain who opted out of the 2020 season after just 5 games. For a Gold Glove defender with a game predicated on speed, it should be a positive to have a bit less mileage on the legs. The Brewers should have 2 top end starters in RHP Brandon Woodruff (3.05 ERA and 91 K in 73.2 2020 innings) and RHP Corbin Burnes (2.11 ERA 88 K in 59.2 innings). Behind them are some question marks but there are intriguing candidates for the back end of the rotation like RHP Freddy Peralta who struck out 47 batters in 29.1 innings last year while posting a 3.99 ERA. It helps that with Williams and Closer LHP Josh Hader (NL leading 13 saves in 2020), the starters and middle relievers really only need to navigate 7 innings most days.

Pittsburgh Pirates

Last Season: 19-41, 5th Place in NL Central, Missed Playoffs

Best Player: 3B Ke’Bryan Hayes. This guy doesn’t even have 100 plate appearances at the big league level but he’s already so clearly head and shoulders above anyone else on this roster that it’d be comical to not select him here. His 2020 offensive numbers are eye popping at any sample size (.376/.442/.682). He raked so impressively in his short 24 game stint that he finished 6th in NL ROY voting in 2020 yet is still eligible for the award again in 2021.

Fun Player:. RHP Richard Rodriguez. Considered just going Ke’Bryan in this slot as well because this roster is riddled with scurvy. Two everyday players hit below .200 last season (OF Bryan Reynolds .189 and OF Gregory Polanco .153). Rodriguez led the team with a whopping 4 saves last season. At 3-2 he was one of only two pitchers on the 2020 staff with a winning record and the only pitcher with more than 22 innings pitched who finished with an ERA under 3. Watching an above average reliever throw every couple days is about all the fun Pirates fans can hope for.

Is Their Owner A Scumbag?: Bob Nutting, net worth $1.1 billion, is the president and CEO of Ogden Newspapers which was started by his great-grandfather and publishes 40 daily newspapers. He is also chairman of a holding company with the juvenilely hilarious moniker, Nutting Co. that owns a few resorts. Nutting is consistently ranked as one of the worst owners in sport due to his concern over budget rather than on field success that has earned him the nickname “Bottom-Line Bob.” Despite the immense wealth of Nutting, the Pirates are consistently coming in near the bottom of the league in player payroll and have only made the playoffs 3 times in his 13 year ownership tenure. In 2018 the MLBPA had to legitimately investigate the Pirates to determine whether they were using their revenue sharing funds to actually improve on field performance as dictated by the current Collective Bargaining Agreement or just to balance their books.

Are They Trying To Win?: Not even pretending to at this point. They had the worst record in the majors last year and upon cursory glance of the roster, should be even worse in ‘21. They gave the ole heave ho to their best starter, shipping RHP Joe Musgrove to the Padres and 2019 All-Star 1B Josh Bell to the Nationals. Their biggest free agent signing is LHP Tyler Anderson, a starting pitcher with a career 4.37 ERA including a stomach churning 11.76 in 2019. They would have the lowest payroll in the league if the $7.75 million contract of suspended sex pest Felipe Vazquez wasn’t still counting against their books.

St. Louis Cardinals

Last Season: 30-28, 2nd Place in NL West, Lost Wild Card Series 2-1 to San Diego

Best Player: 3B Nolan Arenado. Arenado is a 5-time All-Star and winner of the Gold Glove at 3rd base all 8 of his MLB seasons. He has an extremely decent shot at 500 Home Runs if he continues to stay healthy and jack bombs near his 35 HR per year pace. He was acquired along with $50 million in exchange for 5 future substitute gym teachers because MLB is a high functioning league driven solely by pure hearted owners following an endless pursuit of on field excellence.

Fun Player: RHP Jordan Hicks. Hick has thrown multiple pitches 105 mph. I don’t think my sporty 2015 Honda Civic can even go 105 mph. This season will be the first opportunity in quite some time to see that blistering heat back in action. After missing most of the 2019 season with a torn UCL and the Tommy John surgery that followed, Hicks opted out of the 2020 season to complete his rehab and avoid any Covid complication as a diabetes sufferer. He was back to throwing triple digits in Spring Training so batters will be choking up and praying he doesn’t miss a few inches inside once again this year. His slider is not bad either:

Is Their Owner A Scumbag?: William O. DeWitt Jr. founded the Reynolds, DeWitt & Co. investment firm which has an estimate value of $50.4 billion. DeWitt himself is estimated to be worth $4 billion and he purchased the Cardinals for $150 million back in 1995. His father owned both the St. Louis Browns (now the Baltimore Orioles) and the Cincinnati Reds. As some sort of rich baseball guy favor Jr. served on George W. Bush’s President’s Intelligence Advisory Board from 2003-2007. Certainly a great administration and a not at all horrifically damning time to be connected in any way to the oversight of the American intelligence community.

Are They Trying To Win?: Slightly more than anyone else in their deeply mediocre division. The Cardinals are one of a handful of franchises that have seen teams dumping high price assets like a bad habit and swooped in to claim all the long bombs. 2 years prior to acquiring Arenado the Cardinals added 6-time All-Star and 3-time Gold Glove winner 1B Paul Goldschmidt in a similarly lopsided traded with the Diamondbacks. He’s put up .270/.364/.473 with 40 HR in 219 games with the Red Birds. The Cardinals will need a lot of production from these swindled sluggers to prop up a lineup that finished 2nd from last in the NL in Slugging and OPS. The Cards pitchers were solid last year racking up a 4th best in the NL 3.90 ERA. They lose RHP Dakota Hudson (3-2 2.77 ERA in 39 2020 innings) to Tommy John surgery but hope to make up the loss with a return to form by ace RHP Jack Flaherty (4.91 ERA in 2020 vs 2.84 ERA in 2019). They have a deep and reliable bullpen led by 2019 veteran acquisition LHP Andrew Miller (2.77 ERA 16 K in 13 2020 innings) that could give them the edge over the apathetic Cubbies in a tight division race.

NL EAST

Atlanta Braves

Last Season: 35-25, 1st in NL East, Lost NLCS to Dodgers 4-3.

Best Player: 1B Freddie Freeman. There were some questions as to what contribution Freddie Freeman would make to the Braves lineup after a serious bout of Covid in early July. Well not only did Freeman play a full 60 game slate but he put up the best numbers of his career to snag the NL MVP (.341/.462/.640 league leading 23 doubles and 51 runs). Watch this beautiful lefty stroke and try and tell me God doesn’t exist:

Fun Player: OF Ronald Acuna Jr. Acuna is only 23 years old and after 3 seasons in the bigs is averaging .280/.371/.538 with 42 HR and 32 stolen bases per 162 game season. In 2019, Acuna just missed becoming only the second member of the 40-40 Club with clean pee, putting up 41 home runs and an NL high 37 steals. He did however join Greek god of baseball Mike Trout as the only player 21 or younger to have a 30-30 season. Throw in above average fielding and Acuna is one of the most gifted all around players in the game today.

Is Their Owner a Scumbag?: Actually technically owned by a corporation! How fun and dystopian! Liberty Media Corporation chaired by billionaire John C. Malone, purchased the team from Time Warner in 2007. They also own Sirius XM satellite radio and formula one racing. LMC used to own Court TV, which became TruTV so they are indirectly responsible for unleashing my long time nemeses the Impractical Jokers upon the world. Not satisfied with that dastardly villainy, Malone (worth $6 billion) and Liberty also bamboozled Cobb County into emptying their public parks budget and giving them $400 million for a traffic nightmare of a new stadium and banned anyone else within half a mile of the stadium from selling parking. If that wasn’t enough Malone and Liberty combined to donate $1 million to Trump’s 2017 inauguration which I presume had to be allocated to crowd control for the notably robust attendance.

Are They Trying To Win?: This is a team smack dab in the middle of its championship window and it is acting accordingly. Atlanta had the best lineup in the National League last year and brings back all the major factors including OF Marcell Ozuna whom they resigned to a 4 year $65 million deal. The loss of the DH hurts their flexibility a bit but if Ozuna produces at a pace anywhere near the .338/.431/.636 and NL leading 18 HR and 56 RBI he hit last season, it will more than make up for his lackluster fielding. The question mark for the Braves has been starting pitching and they brought in 2 time All-Star RHP Charlie Morton (47-18 3.34 ERA 10.6 K/9 since 2017) to hopefully address that. They added LHP Drew Smyly (3.42 ERA 42 K in 26.1 2020 innings) for some rotational depth. LHP Max Fried will look to build on his breakout 2020 where he went 7-0 with a 2.25 ERA in 11 starts and finished 5th in Cy Young voting. The X-Factor for the team will be when and at what effectiveness 23 year old ace RHP Mike Soroka (13-4 2.68 ERA in 2019) returns from a torn Achilles tendon suffered in just his 3rd start of 2020.

Miami Marlins

Last Season: 31-29, 2nd Place in AL East, Lost NLDS 3-0 to Atlanta Braves.

Best Player: 3B Brian Anderson. I don’t have much to say about Anderson as he’s mainly a placeholder until their intriguing young arms get a few more innings under their belts. Anderson is a perfectly serviceable 3rd baseman and hit accordingly last season (.255/.345/.465 11 HR in 59 games). Look for triple digit throwing RHP Sixto Sanchez (3-2 3.46 ERA) or RHP Max Meyer, whom the Marlins took 3rd overall last year, to occupy this spot very soon.

Fun Player: 2B Jazz Chisholm. Only the 6th ever Major League player from the Bahamas, Chisholm is Caribbean cool in the field. Hurt by the cancelation of the minor league season, Chisholm did struggle offensively in his first MLB action following a Sept. 1st callup (.161/.242/.321 in 21 games). The more intriguing numbers I’m going off with this designation are the 21 homers and 16 steals he put up in 112 games at AA in 2019. Jazz has a smooth lefty stroke with good power for a middle infielder and good enough speed to be a consistent 20-20 threat.

ree — He also wears two different colored cleats

Is Their Owner A Scumbag?: Some of you may think this would be a location for Derek Jeter slander but the principal owner of the team is actually Bruce Sherman who put up the lion’s share of the financing for the $1.2 billion purchase of the team in 2017 with team CEO Jeter chipping in only a paltry $25 million. Sherman co-founded the wealth management firm Private Capital Management which at one point held $31 billion in assets but is another broke boy of the league with a personal net worth of only $500 million. Sherman was instrumental to the hostile takeover of Knight Ridder, the nation’s second largest newspaper company, which helped significantly damage the valuable industry now in its death throes.

Are They Trying To Win?: After 10 straight seasons of losing and shedding salary, the Marlins took advantage of an unorthodox season to make an unexpected 2020 playoff appearance. The fruits of their salary dump trades are starting to appear in their blossoming young rotation. Sixto Sanchez (3-2 3.46 ERA in 39 2020 innings) was received in exchange for C JT Realmuto. RHP Sandy Alcantara (3-2 3.00 ERA 42 innings) and LHP Daniel Castano (1-2 3.03 ERA in 29.2 innings) came over from the Cardinals in the Marcell Ozuna swap. The pivot towards competitiveness is also evident in their recent veteran additions like 2 time Gold Glove winner OF Starling Marte (.281/.340/.430) acquired in a midseason trade with the D-Backs and OF Adam Duvall (16 HR in 57 2020 games) signed away from division rival Braves this offseason. With World Series hopefuls atop the division and less post Covid playoff spots available, it’s going to be tough for the fins to reach October but they should be a far cry from their 105 loss 2019 iteration.

New York Mets

Last Season: 26-34, 4th Place in NL East, Missed Playoffs

Best Player: RHP Jacob deGrom. deGrom has been the best pitcher in baseball the last 3 seasons winning back to back NL Cy Young Awards in 2018 and 2019. Last season he finished all the way back in 3rd in the voting but still led the NL with 104 strikeouts in only 68 innings, a ridiculous 13.8 strikeouts per 9 innings. If you need a reminder of how far removed an elite athlete’s skillset is from mere mortals, please just gawk for a few minutes at out how effortlessly the gangly 6’4 deGrom throws a baseball 100 mph:

Fun Player: SS Francisco Lindor. Lindor, a 4-time All-Star, 2-time Gold and 1-time Platinum Glove winner, is the best all-around player at his position. He’s 27 years old and has no injury history to speak of whatsoever. So logically this incredibly high value franchise cornerstone was traded from the Cleveland Indians to the big market Mets for middling prospects and a couple subpar infielders rather than signing the $300 million+ extension he seems destined for at the conclusion of this year. If he produces at his career 162 game average of .285/.346/.488 with 29 HR and 21 SB along with playing his 2-time Gold Glove winning defense, he makes the Mets a title contender. If he produces at his career worst 2020 line .258/.335/.415, he’s still a notable offensive improvement over the .252/.272/.371 the Mets got from their primary starter Amed Rosairo.

Is Their Owner A Scumbag: Steven A. Cohen is the richest owner in all of MLB with a net worth of over $14 billion. He purchased the team this past October from the brokeass Wilpons who lost all their money participating in and promoting Bernie Madoff’s Ponzi scheme. Like the Wilpons, Cohen also did very shady finance stuff but seems a lot more competent at it, successfully getting out of multiple insider trading investigations throughout his sordid career. His ex-wife sued him in 2009 for racketeering, which really is the most fun mafia sounding crime. Most recently he had to briefly delete his twitter when he stated “I’m just trying to make a living” to deflect ridicule for backing the hedge funds shorting Gamestop stock and supporting Robinhood and other financial apps when they halted trading of the stock. Along with tweeting, Cohen likes to stay in touch with the common fans by trading high price Picasso’s.

Are They Trying To Win?: The new ownership is looking to stunt. Thrown into the aforementioned deal for superstar Lindor was RHP Carlos Carrasco who looked strong and quite recuperated from cancer last season (2.91 ERA, 82 K in 68 innings). The Mets added another solid middle of the rotation piece and all time cool name haver Taijuan Walker on a 2 year $20 mil deal. Plunk these two in behind deGrom and 2018 All-Star Marcus Stroman, who opted out of 2020 to recover from a torn calf muscle, and the Mets have one of the better starting rotations in the league. Add into that mix RHP Noah Syndergaard (Career 3.31 ERA, 9.7 K/9), who is eyeing a June return from Tommy John surgery, and you could have a formidable playoff foe. Along with their pitching prowess, outfielders Michael Conforto (.322/.412/.515 in 54 2020 games) and Dominic Smith (.316/.377/.616 10 HR 42 RBI in 50 games) pair with 1B Pete Alonso (69 HR in 218 career games) to give the Metropolitans one of the most dangerous middle of the orders in the National League.

Philadelphia Phillies

Last Season: 28-32, 3rd in AL East, Missed Playoffs

Best Player: RHP Aaron Nola. 5-5 3.28 ERA. In a time where starters are getting pulled sooner and sooner Nola is an old school innings eater. He threw a league high 2 complete games in just 12 starts after throwing over 200 innings the 2 seasons prior. In 2020 Nola sat down 96 batters in 71 innings good for a career high 12.1 K/9.

Fun Player: LHP Matt Moore. Once projected as one of the bright young stars of the league, Moore is back after a year of exile on the Fukuoka SoftBank Hawks of the Japanese NPB. Moore was impressive overseas posting a 2.65 ERA and 98 K in 85 innings. He showed flashes of the pitcher that went 17-4 with a 3.29 ERA his lone All-Star season as a 24 year old in Tampa. The next season he tore a ligament in his elbow requiring the dreaded Tommy John surgery and began a precipitous decline culminating in a disastrous 2017-18 stretch he went 9-23 with a 5.99 ERA. In 2019 he appeared on the path to righting the ship with 10 shutout innings to start the season but promptly blew out his knee fielding a bunt. With enough arm strength left to touch the mid 90’s and a nasty knuckle curve he could prove a prudent value signing for the club.

Is Their Owner A Scumbag?: John S. Middleton, net worth of $3.3 billion, has owned part of the team since 1981 but took over as majority owner in 2016. His great grandfather founded a tobacco company that would later launch the popular Black & Mild cigar brand. Middleton sold the company to the parent company of Philip Morris for $2.9 billion. A tobacco profiteer probably is not a morally ideal money baron to have running your favorite sports team. It doesn’t help matters that Middleton likely swindled his own family out of a major chunk of change by buying all his sisters’ company shares for $200 million just 4 years prior to the $2.9 billion sale. While we’re discussing Middleton’s family, his son John P. Middleton was a co-producer on The Lego Movie, which as we all know, was heat. However, John P. was also an executive producer on a movie where Nasim Pedrad gets slapped in the face with a CGI dolphin wiener.

Are They Trying To Win?: The Phillies are in a bit of a conundrum because they have been quite visibly trying to win for a couple seasons now and failing miserably. They signed 6-time All-Star and 2015 NL MVP OF Bryce Harper to a then record 13 year $330 million contract prior to the 2019 season. They also added 2-time All-Star C JT Realmuto, the best all-around catcher in the game, via trade that offseason. They went a disappointing .500 that year. In 2020 they hired former NL manager of the year and World Series champion skipper Joe Girardi and signed prize free agents SS Didi Gregorius and RHP Zack Wheeler. Both these player additions were good with Didi slashing near his peak at .284/.339/.488 and Wheeler going 4-2 with a 2.92 ERA in 71 innings. The team however was somehow worse finishing 4 games under .500. Of these 4 player additions the closest thing to a bust has been Harper who was signed to destroy worlds but has only slashed .262/.385/.518 with 48 HR in 215 games which is still very good! Mired in mediocrity and stuck in the strongest top to bottom division in all of baseball is not where you want to be heading into a season. Things will need to drastically improve if this franchise isn’t going to be used for justification for years of why most owners don’t find it worthwhile to spend money to improve their clubs.

Washington Nationals

Last Season: 26-34, 4th in NL East, Missed Playoffs

Best Player: OF Juan Soto. He’s 22 years old and already drawing Hall of Fame comparisons after just 3 seasons. Had he not missed 13 games, he may have taken home the NL MVP last season with his ridiculous .351/.490/.695 slash line that topped the NL in all 3 categories. He mashed 13 dingers and stole 6 bases for good measure as well. Arguably most impressive about Soto as a young stud is his preternatural patience at the plate drawing 41 walks compared to only 28 strikeouts last season. The Childish Bambino even puts flare on pitches he takes:

Fun Player: RHP Max Scherzer. Sure he’s a 3 time Cy Young Winner and probable Hall of Famer with gaudy stats (Career 175-93 3.21 ERA 10.6 K/9) but what makes Scherzer particularly enjoyable to watch is that he is an absolute lunatic. He spews streams of obscenities to himself in the windup. He pitched with a broken nose and glorious shiner. Good luck to any coach tasked with pulling Mad Max off the mound.

Is Their Owner A Scumbag?: Ted Lerner founded the real estate company Lerner Enterprises which is the largest private landowner in the D.C Metro Area. A bulk of his success came with developing early malls and shopping centers in the area. As of 2019 Ted was the richest person in Maryland with a net worth of $5.3 billion. He purchased the Nationals for $450 million in 2006 from MLB who had owned the team since 2001 when they first tried to contract the Montreal Expos out of existence before relocating them to D.C. in 2005. Mark Lerner took over the team from his father in 2018. As is often the case with these ultra-wealthy families, the Lerners are prone to petty legal disputes about their various holdings with Ted’s brother Lawrence frequently feeling cheated out of his share.

Are They Trying To Win?: The Nats are in quite a bind because they have some of the top players in the league but not much else behind them. Along with Soto being the second coming of Ted Williams, Trea Turner (.335/.394/.588 12 HR 12 SB in 2020) is a premium shortstop. If Scherzer or 2019 World Series MVP RHP Stephen Strasburg go down they’re cooked which is not out of the realm of possibility given their histories (Strasburg started just 2 games in 2020). In most cases having 4 players this good is enough but in one of the strongest divisions in baseball they’re going to need someone else to step up to get them into October. They added 1B Josh Bell (37 HR in 2019) and OF Kyle Schwarber (38 HR in 2019) in hopes of some instant offense. Boom or bust candidates of the highest degree, the Nats will need a lot more contact out of them than either produced in 2020 (.226 and .188 respective batting averages). They also added top closer RHP Brad Hand (2.05 ERA and MLB High 16 Saves in 2020) who could be a crucial piece in tight matchups with the Braves and upstart Mets.

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