Wattching Movies: 2021 Reviewed
- Watt
- Jan 16, 2022
- 70 min read
Updated: Aug 4, 2023
Following a year of tremendous instability for the film industry and countless pandemic delayed releases, the floodgates opened as studios dumped their backlog into reopened movie theaters and the ever expanding roster of nascent streaming services. This meant a whole lot of movies to sift through this year but my trusted film consigliere Tess and I were up to the task taking in 119 across screens large, small and even in the out of doors. We owed it to the recovering theater chains to consume as many jalapeno and cheddar stuffed pretzels and large fountain beverages as we could and with a new apartment we needed to really dial in the appropriate viewing angles and couch positioning. After all this hard work we decided to partake in some community service and share with all of you this robust guide to what 2021 had to offer complete with trailer links and current streaming locations.
The handy dandy clickable content table below will allow you to jump to different sections if your boss will not particularly enthused with you reading 119 movie reviews in one sitting
119-111: Unsubscribe From Any Service That Recommends These To You
110-101: Not Worth A Click
100-91: Investigate The Trailer Cautiously
90-81: Would Not Actively Discourage Anyone From Seeing These
80-72: Throw It On In The Background During Remote Work
71-61: Feel Free To Answer Texts During
60-51: Lazy Sunday Afternoon
50-41: Mute The Groupchat
40-31: Pop The Corn, It’s Movie Night
30-21: Watch It As Soon As You Can
20-11: Recommend It To Friends
119-111: Unsubscribe From Any Service That Recommends These To You
119. Outside the Wire (Rotten Tomatoes Score: 36%)
Streaming on Netflix
Dares to ask the question, “What if a deadly combat robot was programmed exclusively with freshman philosophy courses and a DVD copy of Training Day?”
Tess Thought (Tess Ranking: 116): Waste of time.
118. Thunder Force (RT: 21%)
Streaming on Netflix
Melissa McCarthy, her “director” husband Ben Falcone (Superintelligence, Tammy, every other bad Melissa McCarthy movie you can think of), Jason Bateman and Bobby Cannavale clearly like hanging out with each other based on their repeat collaborations. Maybe the group could befriend a writer or editor at some point.
Tess Thought (104): Amazing concept, bad movie.
117. Tom and Jerry (RT: 31%)
Streaming on HBO Max
The 5-10 min of classic Tom and Jerry hijinks that took place is actually quite enjoyable. Someone should maybe make a movie about that instead of a hotel hosting some stupid celeb wedding where the funniest person from SNL they could cast as the groom was *shudders* Colin Jost.
Tess Thought (114): At least Spike made an appearance. Otherwise garbage.
116. Locked Down (RT: 43%)
Streaming on HBO Max
Filmed during the height of Covid, for the bulk of its interminable 118 min run time it is less the heist film romp it purports to be and more an endless series of Zoom calls where a quarantined Anne Hathaway quenches her insatiable thirst for ACTING.
Tess Thought (119): HUGE waste of time.
115. Things Heard & Seen (RT: 39%)
Streaming on Netflix
This film is what would happen if Lifetime made a version of The Shining where instead of alcohol the father is addicted to being a dick. Shoutout to Better Call Saul MVP Rhea Seehorn who is the only bright spot during her brief screen time, keep getting them checks.
Tess Thought (113): This movie should not have been made.
114. Sweet Girl (RT: 20%)
Streaming on Netflix
This Jason Mamoa action stinker has a twist that pulls off the near impossibility of somehow being both painfully obvious and logistically making no sense whatsoever. Even more egregious, the entire film is essentially about wanting to kill Martin Shkreli and they couldn’t even crack open the budget for a single Wu Tang track.
Tess Thought (110): I was unfortunately awake the whole time, but I do not remember a single thing about it.
113. Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard (RT: 27%)
Streaming on HBO Max. But if you really want buddy action banter, why not just watch The Nice Guys on Hulu a half dozen times instead?
Aggressively dumb and loud but who are we to deny these folks a couple months paid vacation in Italy and Frank Grillo an opportunity to try out a Boston accent for half his lines.
Tess Thought (99): Salma Hayek yelling is a literal nightmare of mine and that’s all that happens for the entirety of this movie.
112. Here Today (RT: 48%)
Available on Starz, but if you have that channel you can certainly afford better entertainment
Comedy legend Billy Crystal starred in a perfectly serviceable indie dramedy called Standing Up, Falling Down last year so he decided to write and direct his own to significantly diminished return. Not having directed a movie in 20 years, Crystal makes some very sloppy choices like having his very notably 73 year old self voice his character in flashbacks to his 20’s and showing a party full of preteen girls sing along to Janis Joplin as is all the rage in the Tik Tok set. Crystal also goes to great lengths to imply that while his dementia afflicted character is not exactly romantically involved with his 42 year old co-star Tiffany Haddish, he probably could be if he was not still haunted by his long passed wife.
Tess Thought (105): I really enjoyed 2012’s Parental Guidance.
111. Land (RT: 70%)
Streaming on HBO Max
Star Robin Wright had to be very upset when she heard about Nomadland (see #6) after finishing production on her slow moving directorial debut about a sad lady that goes to live in solitude to escape her troubles. Wright has worked with some great auteurs throughout her career, so it’s kind of a shame she seems to take most of her directorial cues from Hallmark Channel and Cialis commercials.
Tess Thought (107): Some very pretty landscapes and some very boring content.
110-101: Not Worth A Click
110. Dear Evan Hansen (RT: 30%)
Available for Rental, but the soundtrack is streaming on Spotify/Apple Music which is probably the only part you would want anyway
The story of a series of misconstrued actions and outright lies allowing a mentally unwell boy to ingratiate himself to his unrequited crush and her family following the suicide of the girl’s brother seems almost tailor made for a pulpy psychological thriller. Unfortunately this is supposed to be a feel good musical about accepting yourself and learning that it’s okay to not be okay. Honestly, if you pulled out the handful of songs sung quite often by isolated characters directly into the camera, you could probably cut this existing version into that thriller. Flatly put, as depicted on screen, Evan Hansen is a sociopath that repeatedly emotionally manipulates a grieving family to his own personal gain. Perhaps this character played better in the stage production where this alleged high schooler isn’t shown in repeated closeups to be a twitchy dead eyed grown man very clearly pushing 30.
Tess Thought (59): Julianne Moore needed a much larger role and Ben Platt a buzz cut.
109. The United States vs Billie Holiday (RT: 56%)
Streaming on Hulu
We’re still making dramatically coughs up blood biopics huh? R&B singer Andra Day, whose performance was nominated for an Academy Award in the threadbare 2020 award cycle, does her best but my god is the script and direction absolute dogshit. The characters might as well have been reading Billie Holiday’s wikipedia page line by line. I just don’t understand how a movie like this can get made 14 years after Walk Hard flawlessly clowned every single trope Director Lee Daniels throws at the wall and stages like a 90’s made for tv movie.
Tess Thought (115): I must watch Walk Hard because this was no good.
108. The Many Saints of Newark (RT: 71%)
It will be back on HBO Max soon but every single episode of The Sopranos is already there so just watch 2-3 of those instead
It is odd that screenwriter David Chase decided a film was the best way to approach a prequel to his seminal television series The Sopranos. His script doesn’t seem to have made the transition to the new medium as it plays a whole lot more like a failed pilot than a self contained gangster flick. The plot shoots off into all these disparate threads like a television series could explore over the course of a season but the film fails to bring any of these narrative cul-de-sacs to satisfying conclusions. Numerous characters and phrases from the original series are thrown in as winks and nods to fans but few add value to the ramshackle proceedings. The subplot most played up in the trailer is Michael Gandolfini doing an admirable impression of his late father’s most famous role but in the finished product the performance amounts to about 4 or 5 scenes. Most wasteful of all, Jon Bernthal was cast in the presumably meaty role of Tony Soprano’s father only to be given all of about 3 lines total.
Tess Thought (108): Allegedly The Sopranos is a great show? After watching this I’m skeptical.
107. The Woman In The Window (RT: 26%)
Streaming On Netflix
There’s no inherent problem with trying to ape Hitchcock. He was a master of his craft and there’s a reason his films still hold up today. Heck, director Brian De Palma made a lengthy and successful film career almost exclusively out of doing a pulpy Hitchcock impression. Whereas De Palma would grab meaty morsels to homage and throw sensationalized spices on top of them to make his own distinct brand of dishes, here director Joe Wright appears to have been handed a powdered broth of imitation brand Rear Window and desperately dumps some rain on it to try and make soup. Wright throws his best borrowed canted angles and tracking shots at the obnoxiously twisty story drawn from a dubiously produced novel dogged with accusations of plagiarizing both a prior novel and the agoraphobic protagonist of the 1995 film Copycat. At this level of stacked cribbing, the movie starts to have the feel of a blurry screenshot of a poorly cropped picture of a poster of a fun disposable psychological thriller. That fun disposable thriller was made in 2007 under the title Disturbia and you can stream that on HBO Max instead.
Tess Thought (94): I was positively spooked until the third act which was quite over the top.
106. Red Notice (RT: 36%)
Streaming on Netflix
Reportedly, this is the most expensive movie Netflix has ever made with a budget somewhere in the $200 million range. What did all that money get them? Hollywood heavyweights Ryan Reynolds, Dwayne Johnson, and Gal Gadot who can effectively play about 2 different characters betwixt the 3 of them. This leads to much of the run time consisting of a slab of muscles with a heart of gold and a sarcastic loudmouth trading banter in front of unconvincingly rendered green screen backgrounds between their stunt doubles doing some exciting parkour and scaffolding fights while you pray for Gadot to not have any more lines to read off cue cards.
Tess Thought (81): Gal Gadot is the worst actress there ever was. There, I said it. This was the biggest disappointment of the year.
105. Old (RT: 50%)
Available for $6 Rental
All hope of a full on M. Night Shyamalan resurgence following 2016’s surprisingly confident Split was squashed immediately by the disastrous 2018 followup Glass where I kid you not, he literally drowned one of the best characters from his promising early works in a rain puddle. A washed director tackling an allegory about the terrors of aging is a bit on the nose but M. Night has never been one for subtlety as evidenced by Old’s clunky dialogue and prominent rapper character named Mid Sized Sedan. The man does still love his wild twists and knows how to cook up some cheap thrills though with some quality body horror staged throughout. Tess got very annoyed at me at the theater because I kept giggling and having a gaping grin of delight at the absurdity unfolding before me. The problem is the time spent waiting for these bonkers moments of flair as the pacing is quite wonky with the urgency of escape from the terrifying death island waxing and waning despite a rising body count.
Tess Thought (100): I would like to give this movie another shot without the constant giggles in my ear.
104. Don’t Look Up (RT: 55%)
Streaming on Netflix
I don’t know if he did it as a bit but Adam McKay making a movie about our lack of urgency on important issues and constant diversions from our most pressing concerns then having it be 2 hrs and 20 min long with several superfluous plots is a better gag than just about anything in this limp climate change satire. McKay gathers a deep roster of Academy Award winning A-Listers and also Tyler Perry to take broad swipes at easy targets like Trump, inane morning “news” shows, social media and tech billionaires like Elon Musk where the thesis largely amounts to “Aren’t these things dumb?” That is preaching to a choir that while agreeing with that shrewd assessment would much rather just watch Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly riff about their preferred depiction of Jesus than be lazily reminded of the habitual existential crisis of the last 5 years.
Tess Thought (117): I take it back, THIS is the biggest disappointment of the year. Just awful.
103. Yes Day (RT: 52%)
Streaming on Netflix
A perfectly serviceable children’s comedy and it’s very nice to see Jennifer Garner get some work outside of shilling for credit card companies.
Tess Thought (86): Jennifer Garner is sunshine in human form.
102. Flora & Ulysses (RT: 73%)
Streaming on Disney+
Ben Schwartz after getting his checks for all his dumb fun cgi filled family comedies:
Tess Thought (102): Cute! Not great but definitely serviceable.
101. Space Jam: A New Legacy (RT: 25%)
Streaming on HBO Max
Much like Tom and Jerry, this film seems vaguely ashamed of just doing the only parts of the movie anyone is paying to see. Luckily the last half hour when they finally start playing basketball and doing Looney Tunes shit is actually pretty entertaining. The intellectual property references taking up the 30 minutes prior, as a 2d animated Lebron recruits a squad are dated but somewhat amusing. The near hour of setup and drama surrounding Lebron’s worry that one of his sons may be a big ole nerd was held together more poorly than King James’s real life hairline.
Tess Thought (98): All they needed to do was trim it down from 115 minutes to ~60 and it would’ve been totally fine.
100-91: Investigate The Trailer Cautiously
100. False Positive (RT: 47%)
Streaming on Hulu
Illana Glazer was fantastic across 5 hilarious seasons of Broad City on Comedy Central so this film conjured hope of crossover magic as Glazer made the Jordan Peele leap to co-writing a horror film. While Glazer and her frequent Broad City episode director John Lee, build some ominous atmosphere the audience is kept waiting for some subversion of the slow burning Rosemary’s Baby plot unfolding. Alas, the turn doesn’t ever come. In fact, surprisingly little does come at all as the bloody in media res opening scene begins to feel less like a tease of shock to come and more of an assurance to the audience that something will happen in this story eventually. Pierce Brosnan seems to have had fun playing a creepy fertility doctor though so not a total loss.
Tess Thought (111): It took an abrupt turn from a good creepy to a very weird, very bad creepy.
99. Snake Eyes: G.I Joe Origins (RT: 36%)
Available for Rental
It’s difficult to call a spinoff prequel of a near decade dormant film series that sucked a disappointment but boy does Snake Eyes earn that dubious distinction. What should be an exciting shut off your brain and watch cool ninja fights movie, is thoroughly ruined by director Robert Schwentke’s complete inability to block, choreograph or coherently edit a single fight sequence. After sitting through talk about a stupid magic jewel, seeing The Raid star Iku Uwais relegated to holding a bowl of water, rolling your eyes at a giant CGI snake that senses purity of heart, the money scene is finally reached: a raid on a secret ninja compound. Within this sequence is the briefest glimpse of an overhead crane shots of our two primary ninjas dual wielding swords, standing back to back ready for combat as they are enveloped by a swarm of bad guys. What a cool perspective to have for your action centerpiece! Surely we will see the circle of baddies close in and our heroes deftly combine forces to massacre these assailants. Perhaps it will even be one of those nifty long take sequences that the Netflix Marvel TV shows could execute 5 years ago. No. Before a single blow is even struck, Schwentke immediately cuts back to the incoherent shaky cam close ups that have muddled every previously promising sequence in the film.
Tess Thought (97): The guy that held the water was cool.
98. Mortal Kombat (RT: 54%)
Streaming on HBO Max
The Mortal Kombat video games are known for graphic gory fights between super powered ninjas and other uniquely designed characters. Happy to report that despite the film’s modest budget and devoting much of its runtime to an incredibly bland new lead character, Subzero and Scorpion are both depicted as incredibly badass combat competent ninjas in their unjustly limited screen time, the 4 armed giant Goro appears, one fighter gets their still beating heart ripped out and a spinning hat is used as a buzzsaw to cut another combatant in half. All the important boxes are checked. I am very excited for the sequel where they can afford to get some actors.
Tess Thought (91): Very unmemorable, much like Snake Eyes.
97. Plan B (RT: 96%)
Streaming on Hulu
An abortion road trip comedy seems like an unlikely source for a twin film phenomenon but after HBO Max dropped Unpregant last fall, Hulu came forth with the aptly named Plan B this past spring. Much like the truly uncannily similar Unpregnant, it passed by amicably enough but doesn’t quite have the deft touch of a Booksmart or Superbad to smoothly graft heart onto the tried and true raunchy teen comedy. It is nice to see some positive representation with a diverse cast and it’s progressive theming around a taboo subject but it’s more meaningful moments don’t always mesh with the wacky Harold and Kumar-esque zany vulgarity.
Tess Thought (106): So many reviews say this movie is funny but I assure you it is not.
96. Cherry (RT: 37%)
Streaming on Apple TV
After 7 years churning out 4 mega blockbusters for Marvel the Russo brothers thought to themselves, “What is the least Marvel project we could take on as a bit of a cleanse?” and landed on two and a half hours of strung out junkie Tom Holland violently vomiting in his underwear. Unclear if this is sparked by boredom with shooting the Marvel house style or if the brothers were goaded into it by recent discourse surrounding respected auteurs disliking superhero movies, but much of the film functions as a punishingly long flashy demo reel asserting their "real cinema" chops. The lack of self awareness in producing this overwrought addiction drama from a duo that worked extensively on a tv show that poked fun at this exact kind of gritty self serious slop is a bit staggering. The film does inadvertently contain one of the funniest moments of the year when habitual 16 year old Holland is tasked to play himself after a 14 year time jump and the best solution the Russo’s could come up with was slapping a fake mustache and some high school theater crows feet around his eyes.
Tess Thought (66): Cherry is incredibly messy, but it’s entertaining. I think it is worth a watch.
95. Fatherhood (RT: 67%)
Streaming on Netflix
This was fine. Kevin Hart doesn’t shout as much as normal. The film also has ideal best friend role fillers in the form of Lil Rel Howery and Anthony Carrigan (aka NO-HO Hank in the HBO hitman comedy series Barry that you really need to watch if you haven’t yet. You could even watch 3 sublime episodes instead of this mediocre dramedy. Season 1 and 2 are streaming now on HBO Max. Season 3 starts up in March)
Tess Thought (62): Shouting or not, Kevin Hart is just so endearing.
94. To All the Boys: Always and Forever (RT: 79%)
Streaming on Netflix
This series is also fine. This is better than the 2nd but not as good as the 1st.
Tess Thought (59): I cannot even express how much better it is than the 2nd movie. Just watch 1 and 3 and that’s it.
93. Cry Macho (RT: 57%)
Available for Rental
Clint Eastwood reflects on his long career of playing aggro men and asks the question “Who needs all the excitement of shootouts and fisticuffs when you can have a nice nap and eat some tamales?” A good question to ask after reflection on his directorial career would be “Can we do another take?” as his patented rushed style really does no favors to any inexperienced actors he crosses paths with like his young costar Eduardo Minett.
Tess Thought (109): I wasn’t even in a comfortable position and fell instantly asleep.
92. The Starling (RT: 21%)
Streaming on Netflix
This tearjerker explores how grief can impact folks in different ways as a couple struggles to cope with the tragic loss of their infant daughter. Nic O’Dowd gives a pretty moving performance as the shattered husband residing in a mental hospital who doesn’t seem to particularly be interested in re-entering the cold cruel world. The film also features multiple slapstick altercations between Melissa McCarthy and a CGI version of the titular bird. Those interactions are to put it lightly, a bit jarring given the melodramatic mood but do serve as a good reminder of the 1997 comedy classic that similarly deals with the loss of a family member, Mouse Hunt. That movie is streaming on HBO Max and likely overdue for a viewing.
Tess Thought (51): The Bridesmaids reunion you need! This duo strikes a lovely balance between funny and sad.
91. Eternals (RT: 47%)
Streaming on Disney+
Marvel’s post Endgame release strategy has been a bit peculiar as they have dropped a couple Disney+ shows that feel like chopped up movies and now comes an overstuffed, undercooked movie that really should have been a limited series. 4 credited screenwriters juggle a diverse cast of 10 titular immortal heroes that still aren’t particularly well flushed out beyond a signature power over a punishing 2 hr and 37 min runtime. Flashbacks and exposition drops about various all powerful celestial beings abound. Angelina Jolie, certainly the biggest name in the large ensemble, has her character reduced to bouts of uncontrolled violence while suffering from space dementia. The only substantial human characters are a Kit Harrington played boyfriend who disappears for much of the proceedings and a comic relief cameraman that follows around Kumail Nanjiani’s Bollywood star disguised Eternal. Throw in the primary antagonists for the bulk of the film being speechless CGI tendril monsters and you’re left with not much to latch onto. Much was made of Academy Award winning director Chole Zhao (see #6) shooting on location rather than the Atlanta lots Marvel does the bulk of their filming and while these natural environments look great on screen, they make the digitally generated superhero action look even more artificial pasted on top of them.
Tess Thought (79): Why is it 10 hours long? How, within the 10 hour running time, did I still not have enough time to connect with any of the five dozen main characters?
90-81: Would Not Actively Discourage Anyone From Seeing These
90. The Unforgiveable (RT: 41%)
Streaming on Netflix
Sandra Bullock grits it up to play stoic ex-con Ruth who has just been released from prison after serving 20 years for killing the local sheriff that came to evict her and her 5 year old sister. Temporal hand waving of the admittedly ageless 57 year old Bullock having a 25 year old sister aside, the majority of the film’s conflict is generated by characters not taking half a second to fully explain themselves and instead make Aaron Rodgers proud by speaking solely in vague obfuscations that create misunderstanding at every turn. Adapting a 2009 British mini-series, the film is unsurprisingly overstuffed as in addition to Ruth’s quest to reunite with her sister, the audience must also keep up with the sister’s new adopted family, the vengeance hungry sons of the slain sheriff, the new owners of the sisters’ old home (one of which is conveniently a high powered attorney), and a potential love interest (played with aplomb by America’s Sweetheart Jon Bernthal), all intercut with a series of brief flashbacks to the eviction that slowly build to a grand reveal that does not work in the slightest. The cast is wildly overqualified with Viola Davis and Vincent D'Onofrio also on board but the performances often devolve into one of those dreaded acting highlight reels where everyone is just shouting.
Tess Thought (77): Sandra Bullock and Jon Bernthal are simply a dream couple and I do not have any other thoughts.
89. Vacation Friends (RT: 60%)
Streaming on Hulu
Objectively, this is a very poorly constructed movie with some obvious story beats and hacky jokes. Subjectively, I found it delightful in the old turn your brain off and “see what hijinx 90’s Adam Sandler is up to” vein. You know how sometimes the off brand version of an item is actually the superior product? That’s how I feel Lil Rel Howery is to Kevin Hart in ubiquitous comedy stars. WWE Superstar, platinum rapper, and Dr. of Thuganomics, John Cena has sputtered as an action star but found a surprisingly effective niche working in broad comedy (Blockers, Trainwreck). Paired up, the two craft some film carrying crackups. Director Clay Tarver speaks directly to my heart by having these two lovable galoofs recreate the iconic “So What’cha Want” music video in a drug addled stupor and by throwing a mariachi flared Run The Jewels remix over the end credits.
Tess Thought (78): Shockingly not bad at all.
88. Concrete Cowboy (RT: 80%)
Streaming on Netflix
While Idris Elba is always welcome to appear as a wise rugged cowboy in any film, this probably should have just been a documentary. It could use much more of the wild but true exploration of the black cowboy culture developed in inner city Philadelphia and less of the by the numbers Cowboyz N The Hood coming of age on the streets drama. By far the coolest part was the reveal of the numerous non-actors ostensibly playing themselves.
Tess Thought (90): I like Cowboy Idris Elba as much as the next person, but this was pretty boring.
87. No Man of God (RT: 79%)
Steaming on Fubo? That doesn’t sound like a real thing
A stage play-esque two-hander carried by very solid lead performances from Luke Kirby and Elijah Wood as Ted Bundy and his FBI death row interviewer Bill Hagmier. If you’re not already familiar with the superiorly crafted television programs Mindhunter and Hannibal playing with the same one on one psychoanalysis of a depraved mind, this dynamic probably hits a bit better.
Tess Thought (50): Can confirm - never seen Mindhunter or Hannibal and quite enjoyed this.
86. Stowaway (RT: 77%)
Streaming on Netflix
When, you guessed it, a stowaway is improbably found aboard a ship to Mars an extended series of Trolley Problems ensue. This has big screened during a Philosophy 101 courses whenever the professor is away at a conference energy. Not exactly going out on a limb to say Toni Collette (using her authentic Australian accent no less), Daniel Dae Kim and Anna Kendrick are more entertaining than the typical T.A tasked with this material.
Tess Thought (93): Space is too stressful. I am done watching movies about crises in space.
85. Holler (RT: 91%)
Streaming on Showtime
Writer/Director Nicole Riegel tells a semi-autobiographical tale of a hardscrabble young adult taking on menial physical labor to make ends meet while pushed to leave the drudgery of poverty life and fulfill their deferred promise. While it’s well worn territory, Jessica Barden (fantastic in the Netflix series The End of the F***ing World) and a strong cast of supporting role players including Better Things (streaming on Hulu) star Pamela Adlon, keep things compelling enough to rise above its poverty porn trappings as it careens towards it’s inevitable conclusion that really hopes viewers aren’t familiar with Good Will Hunting.
Tess Thought (101): It didn’t make me feel anything and I think it was supposed to?
84. Army of the Dead (RT: 67%)
Streaming on Netflix
Zack Snyder returns to the zombie well for the first time since his high water mark debut feature Dawn of the Dead. The wrinkle here is that it’s a good ole fashioned Vegas heist film amidst the Zombie apocalypse. This of course means a colorful rag tag crew has to be assembled. Unfortunately with Shrek dancing Dave Bautista being surprisingly dour as he deals with an estranged daughter, Tig Notaro seems to be the only member having as much fun as they should and she wasn’t even supposed to be there. Snyder, he of the 4 hr Justice League cut, is probably the last person you want a streaming service giving carte blanche to on run time but the man can definitely put together some fun sequences. Snyder came up making music videos and never really lost those sensibilities because he’s at his best when he can just clunkily drop a needle and avoid any bothersome dialogue. Alas tedium sure does creep in often across the 2.5 hour run time when the tunes and zombies are absent.
Tess Thought (70): Slightly too long as you could’ve guessed but a very good time.
83. Boss Level (RT: 74%)
Streaming on Hulu
Frank Grillo plays a coolly named retired Delta Force soldier Roy Pulver who is stuck in a Groundhog Day time loop where each day he wakes up and is killed by cartoonish gangs of assassins (one played by Gronk) straight out of director Joe Carnahan’s earlier film Smokin’ Aces. Carnahan is a serviceable action director (The Grey, The A-Team) but this plot screams for the lunatic visual stylings of Neveldine/Taylor and serves as a strong reminder that the world remains deprived of Crank 3. Grillo’s real life son plays his secret nerd son in the film which may explain the inordinate amount of run time spent on that relationship and Puly’s estranged scientist wife rather than just letting a slumming Mel Gibson chew screen.
Tess Thought (69): Pretty fun but Jon Bernthal would’ve done it better.
82. Halloween Kills (RT: 41%)
Available for Rental
Despite the kernel of an intriguing idea of having Michael Meyers being the one hunted for a change, the second film in this planned trilogy does quite a bit of wheel spinning. Most disappointingly the script keeps Jamie Lee Curtis’s battle scarred Laurie Strode confined to a hospital bed for much of the proceedings. In the meantime director David Gordon Green and co-screenwriter Danny McBride try to mix in some heavy handed messaging but the stoner deep “You know, when you think about it, fear is the real monster” doesn’t really hit so well when there’s a near 7 ft tall bulletproof man with olympian strength stabbing everyone in sight. Similarly characters’ constant refrains of “Evil dies tonight!” ring a bit hollow when you know a third movie is coming quickly down the pike. McBride and Green once again display obvious appreciation for the series bringing back a number of original film characters and delivering the goods on some notable kills including an early show stopping “fire fight.” Hopefully they can restore some stakes and meaning when their promised conclusion Halloween Ends drops this fall.
Tess Thought (112): Total swing and a miss. Just terrible. But if Danny McBride keeps making these movies, I will continue going to see them.
81. Tom Clancy’s Without Remorse (RT: 44%)
Streaming on Amazon Prime
This pretty much gives you exactly what you expect in a Tom Clancy adaptation. Michael B. Jordan’s elite Navy Seal John Kelly speaks exclusively in trailer pull lines and remorselessly kills a whole bunch of people after his pregnant wife is murdered for confusing Cold War era geopolitical reasons. Do you have a dad or uncle in your life that used same day delivery for a camo fishing hat or The Naval Institute Guide to Ships and Aircraft of the U.S. Fleet? They’ll enjoy it.
Tess Thought (72): We will watch any content MBJ blesses us with.
80-72: Throw It On In The Background During Remote Work
80. Godzilla vs Kong (RT: 75%)
Streaming on HBO Max
I don’t know why they insist on adding more and more people to these Godzilla movies. Could have used that Skarsgard casting money for additional neon lit giant monster fisticuffs. Eventually this series will be the sustained big monster brawler it is destined to be but for now director Adam Wingard (crafter of the criminally underseen The Guest) settles for 3 pretty good kaiju fights between some mumbo jumbo about traveling to Earth’s ancient hollow core, and plucky youths played by Millie Bobby Brown and Hunt For The Wilder People’s Julian Dennison tracking down a secret military base with the help of Paper Boi. While watching these two behemoth superstars at the height of their game go at it and actually having a definitive winner is worth the price of admission I will tease that there is a surprise appearance by a longstanding member of Godzilla’s rogues gallery that 6 year old me definitely flipped out over.
Tess Thought (73): Coach Eric Taylor! *Grandma Saracen’s voice*
79. Zack Synder’s Justice League (RT: 71%)
Streaming on HBO Max
It really is a shame that Zack Snyder didn’t get to finish the initial production because it does seem like a 2 hr. cut of this vision could have worked pretty well. It certainly doesn’t earn a crawling Godfather+ runtime as it seems the kitchen sink of leftover ideas were thrown in with little discretion but even with its excessive bloat, Snyder’s version remains more tonally consistent and cohesive than the scattershot original cut. It’s still far more brooding, dour and at many points downright boring than any movie featuring a hulking surfer bro who talks to fish spouting “My man!” has any right to be. However, there’s definitely something here that could have been gently massaged in post (by perhaps a less Leonard Cohen obsessed collaborator) to lay the groundwork for an epic sequel saga Snyder clearly had in mind. Bump this up a spot or two if you stop watching before edgelord doofus Jared Leto shows up talking about giving Batman a reach around.
Tess Thought (75): These running times are getting out of hand.
78. Antlers (RT: 59%)
Available for Rental
Director Scott Cooper’s Black Mass was a pale imitation of Scorsese and here he has a smudged facsimile of a foreboding creature feature tailor made for his executive producer Guillermo del Toro. Cooper doesn’t practice enough restraint with deployment of his wendigo inspired monster and bites off a bit too much throwing the opioid epidemic, rust belt economic downturn, and childhood trauma all in the messaging hopper. It’s meaty subject matter a more emotionally attuned or allegorically inclined filmmaker could make a hearty meal with. As is, there are still plenty of good bits left on these intriguing bones but just a lot of obvious parallels without any real meaning behind them. Lucky for Cooper, on the acting side of things, any time you can get Jesse Plemons as your doughy small time sheriff you’ve scored a casting coup and he forms a believable strained sibling relationship with the always solid Keri Russell.
Tess Thought (82): I knew I wasn’t really going to like it, and yep didn’t really like it. Huge fan of the doughy small time sheriff though.
77. North Hollywood (RT: 76%)
Available via Showtime or a 99 cent rental on Apple TV
An interesting less effective companion piece to 2018’s Mid-90s with better skate boarding action but worse everything else. The story behind the scenes of 25 year old first time director and screenwriter Mikey Alfred who self financed the movie after serving as a producer/skating insider for Jonah Hill’s aforementioned film and somehow scored Vince Vaughn for a meaty dad role, is more compelling than its generic coming of age plot. It is pretty bogus that supporting player Nico Hiraga (Booksmart) is so effortlessly charming and also incredibly nice on the board.
Tess Thought (84): We don’t get to see Vince Vaughn play a dad very often, but it goes without saying, he’s the best at it.
76. The Tomorrow War (RT: 52%)
Streaming on Amazon Prime
Not as fun as you would expect from the director of The Lego Batman Movie with a cast of comedic ringers but a fine enough mishmash of better sci fi action classics like Aliens and The Thing. The always hilarious Sam Richardson (Detroiters, streaming now on Paramount+ and Comedy Central) is especially underutilized. The film takes the interesting premise of time travelers recruiting soldiers from the past to face down an extinction-inducing alien horde but for whatever reason, instead of assembling a ragtag team of earth’s biggest badasses from across history like a samurai and WW2 paratrooper, the time travel is written to be restricted to a 30 year window where the troops consist largely of civilians. Even that potentially fruitful everyday people wrinkle is undercut by centering on Chris Pratt’s heavily trained former Green Beret which also, like many of his recent clunkers, denies the audience Pratt’s best skill of playing a lovable dummy. There’s some half ass climate change messaging but a lot more focus on some very vague family drama. JK Simmons as a grizzled estranged father is shooting fish in a barrel but that paired with cool alien design and quality set pieces will score you some redemption.
Tess Thought (71): I’m trying to remember this movie, but all I remember is eating a DQ chicken strip basket during it. That Texas toast is real good.
75. F9: The Fast Saga (RT: 59%)
Available for Rental
One of the most indelible images of blockbuster action returning to theaters after a covid induced absence was minutes of rigid hulking super spy John Cena ziplining through the skies of Edinburgh while a computer generated Vin Diesel bounded from rooftop to rooftop in hot pursuit. This is by far the most cartoonish in an increasingly outlandish series of Fast and Furious films that improbably started out as a modest street racing based rip off of Point Break. The plot is absolute gibberish and hinges on the reveal of a heretofore unmentioned brother of a character who does not shut up about family. Does a coherent story really matter in this series any more? The only parts you need to know are that Dom Toretto and his family go to space, safely tarzan swings a Dodge Charger over a vast chasm, rip down a building with their bare hands, and much to the delight of Charlie Kellys everywhere, utilize high powered magnets for added spectacle in their most audacious of car chases. I will happily jump right back in line for Fast10 Your Seat Belt.
Tess Thought (68):
74. CODA (RT: 96%)
Streaming on Apple TV
CODA both stands for “child of deaf adults” and is also a music term meaning the concluding passage of a piece or movement. This mildly amusing bit of wordplay for the title of a coming of age story about an aspiring singer with deaf parents is a lot like the film itself. CODA’s very by the numbers crowd pleasing will put a little smile on your face but isn’t going to blow you away. It’s biggest draw is top of their game deaf actors Troy Kotsur, Daniel Durant and Academy Award winner Marlee Matlin who form a believable family of fishermen dependent on able eared daughter Ruby to interact with the hearing world. While the narrative complete with a tough but loving music teacher and not one but two big performance climaxes doesn’t hold any surprises it was very refreshing to have the deaf family be kooky and dysfunctional weirdos rather than just earnestly defined by their disabilities for a change.
Tess Thought (85): My mom would love to catch this on the Hallmark channel where it belongs.
73. Reminiscence (RT: 37%)
Streaming on HBO Max
An absolute bomb with critics and at the box office, it’s not must see but also not nearly as bad as the numbers suggest. Writer/Director Lisa Joy, co-creator of HBO’s Westworld, crafts a leaky sci-fi noir on her first ever motion picture. Leaky referring to both is damp setting in the climate change ravaged near future where Miami is largely underwater and also its muddled story. There’s an interesting thread in here about the corrosive and addictive nature of nostalgia and a great centerpiece fight scene in a dilapidated sinking home, but the main draw is gruff Hugh Jackman giving it his all as a gumshoe of sorts trying to sort out why his best dame left him with no notice. Rebecca Ferguson is said dame and certainly alluring but her character is criminally underwritten. Her lounge singer being an enigma is a key cog to the intrigue but boy did men get desperately horny following the water wars because it strains credulity how madly in love multiple men fall with a woman who’s personality seems to boils down to enjoys sultry stares into the distance.
Tess Thought (96): It has cool visuals paired with Hugh Jackman’s lovely, soothing voiceovers but leaves much to be desired.
72. Venom: Let There Be Carnage (RT: 59%)
Available for Rental
Director Andy Serkis loses some of the coked out charm of the Ruben Fleischer directed original by intentionally leaning heavily into the wackiness but the continued bonkers romance between Tom Hardy and his goo still wins the day. Woody Harrelson clearly relishes the opportunity to slip back into Natural Born Killers territory with his loud portrayal of quintessential 90’s comic book character serial killer Kletus Cassidy and his eXtreme Venom counterpart Carnage. While there is a lot of fairly well done digital spectacle as the space splooge monsters try to rip each other apart, the most lunatic delight is Hardy roping his fellow aggressively limey friend Stephen Graham into doing an equally ridiculous east coast accent in a film ostensibly set in San Francisco.
Tess Thought (67): The best of mindless entertainment.
71-61: Feel Free To Answer Texts During
71. Fear Street Part 2: 1978 (RT: 88%)
70. Fear Street Part 1: 1994 (RT: 83%)
69. Fear Street Part 3: 1666 (RT: 90%)
Streaming on Netflix
An audacious streaming experiment where Netflix released all 3 films in a new trilogy one week at a time this summer. Produced simultaneously to avoid the hassle of deaging children that IT Chapter 2 faced, the R.L Stine adapted saga tells an overarching story about a cursed town, while each film serves as a pastiche of a different styling of horror films: Part 1, 90’s sleek WB-ified slashers like Scream and I Know What You Did Last Summer, Part 2 the late 70’s slashers like Friday the 13th and, oddly enough, in Part 3 folk horror like The Witch. They each play like a mild Stranger Thingsified version of their respective horror iconography meant for Gen Z not yet exposed to the originals’ charms. 1 and 3 hit their mark slightly better than the 70’s summer camp set 2. Don’t mistake their watering down for restraint as they do go surprisingly hard for an R rating with some periodic gory kills. The young diverse cast does well enough with the recycled material that won’t do much new for existing horror hounds but could help to grow some for the future.
Tess Thought (88, 95, 92): They’re trying to make us forget we’ve been waiting 2.5+ years for Stranger Things season 4.
68. The Little Things (RT: 45%)
Streaming on HBO Max
Knowing dedicated thespian* Jared Leto is going to show up at some point is far more unnerving than anything his UnHiNgEd character does in this formulaic procedural thriller. The film feels like it was tailor made for Denzel Washington’s pot boiler 90s heyday and in a way it was. Technically a period piece due to its 1990 setting, the screenplay was initially written by director John Lee Hancock back in 1993 and he just never bothered to update it for modern times as it languished in production hell. Luckily for Hancock, Denzel aged perfectly in those almost 30 years to play a disgraced deputy determined to solve a murder he believes connected to an unsolved case that slowly unraveled his life and once promising career. Washington has good chemistry with Rami Malek who plays a similarly detail oriented investigator that Denzel hopes to spare from his fate. It doesn’t break any new ground but it runs through the motions well.
Tess Thought (58): Nothing you haven’t already seen before.
67. Copshop (RT: 82%)
Available for Rental
If you want to limit yourself to only one workmanlike Joe Carnahan directed Frank Grillo starring B-action movie from 2021, this gets the edge over Boss Level. Grillo and Gerard Butler as headliners don’t inspire a whole lot of confidence outside of the least discerning of streaming service users but this Assault on Precinct 13 riff is actually pretty entertaining. The key to its success may be that despite its two warring heavies locked across from each other in holding cells, the central protagonist is actually a straight arrow rookie officer tasked with overseeing the station played by star in the making Alexis Lounder.. Toby Huss, Cotton Hill himself, shows up as a chatty psychotic hitman late in the second act and commandeers much of the remaining screen time as well. The film doesn’t hold any surprises but it hits all its gritty marks with solid cat and mouse shootouts and doesn’t overstay its welcome.
Tess Thought (46): While it may not hold any surprises, the movie itself was a very pleasant surprise! If you’re deciding between this and No Sudden Move (see #7), definitely watch this.
66. The Guilty (RT: 74%)
Streaming on Netflix
Jake Gyllenhaal’s intense LAPD officer Joe Baylor has been relegated to 911 call center duty while awaiting a fast approaching court date for an initially unspecified incident. Director Antoine Fuqua, no stranger to conflicted cop tales, really hammers home the purgatorial nature of Baylor’s situation through encroaching wildfires that pop up on news screens and flood the phone lines. Baylor becomes obsessed with aiding one particularly distressed sounding caller and the film follows an increasingly desperate Joe in real time as he makes a series of calls and violates all sorts of protocols to try and unravel the case while keeping his mind off his own. This is a movie very obviously produced in 2020 both from a technical standpoint with it’s Covid friendly single filming location and extremely limited in person supporting cast and with its slightly hamfistedly handled subject matter. It is shocking to find out in the credits it’s actually a remake of a 2018 Danish film. It is much less surprising to find out Nic Pizzolatto, creator of True Detective and patron saint of sweaty morally haunted bad cops trying to do good, pumped the script out. If you are intrigued or enjoy this film, check out the similarly minded Locke where Tom Hardy is the man in crisis you watch on the phone.
Tess Thought (52): It just feels like a 90 minute phone call with Jake Gyllenhaal, but I was hanging onto every word.
65. House of Gucci (RT: 60%)
In the brief no man’s land between being in theaters and available on demand. Your aunt probably saw it over Thanksgiving and can give you a good recap.
Very amusing that in the same year Ridley Scott shrugged when asked by his actors if they should be doing French accents for The Last Duel (see #27) he had Lady Gaga and Jared Leto mainlining Ragu and playing Mario Tennis 24/7. Those two actors are in an entirely different and almost certainly more fun campier version of the film than many of their distinguished co-stars. It’s especially shocking that two of history’s greatest scenery chewers Jeremy Irons and Al Pacino were not told to go full Devil’s Advocate. While full of great parts, the movie struggles in a similar way to Scott’s other Italian dalliance Hannibal, where an inherently trashy pulp story of lust and murder clashes with Scott’s inherent prestige picture sensibilities. If you want to have a grandiose tragedy about the fall of the Gucci empire you can’t have Lady Gaga occasionally sounding like she’s hunting after meddlesome moose and squirrel or Jared Leto putzing around in Jeffrey Tambor makeup. If you want camp classic, let Adam Driver speak with “the hands.” The mishmash version delivered does have an on point 80’s soundtrack including David Bowie’s “Ashes to Ashes” which affords the opportunity to share the best video 2021:
Tess Thought (53): Can Lady Gaga start getting some of these roles everyone keeps handing to Gal Gadot?
64. Moxie (RT: 70%)
Streaming on Netflix
Amy Poehler directs her second Netflix film and pulls double duty as a mom whose rebel girl past inspires her teen daughter to start a feminist zine called “Moxie.” More charmingly humorous than outright hilarious at any point, its biggest draw may be an expanded romantic interest role for Nico Hiraga who had a smaller part in the similarly minded but vastly superior Booksmart. Injecting some feminist messaging into the teen comedy genre that has overwhelmingly leaned into bro culture and is frequently lightly misogynistic at best, is a laudable effort by Poehler. It’s subject matter is not always handled the most smoothly, especially a late in the film reveal of a heinous crime that causes an immediate and very serious tone shift that needed a lot more time to breathe, but it’s a step in the right direction.
Tess Thought (87): The main girl desperately needed to be recast.
63. Malcolm & Marie (RT: 57%)
Streaming on Netflix
An interesting experiment from early in the pandemic where a relationship drama plays out in real time. The two person cast of John David Washington and Zendaya provide a very compelling first half hour or so, particularly when Washington is smashing a delicious looking bowl of mac and cheese. The additional hour delivers diminishing return as the pair’s late night argument continues to wax and wane. Kudos to both actors for learning a staggering amount of lines to essentially deliver lengthy traded monologues rather than anything resembling standard back and forth dialogue. It’s in this back half that writer/director Sam Levinson also decides to take several clunky minutes to air out some weird beef he has with a Los Angeles Times film critic. This is precious screen time that could have been given over to more of Washington dancing on counter tops to James Brown or discussing further why The Lego Movie was “fire.”
Tess Thought (76): For someone who hates conflict this is just a nightmare.
62. Those Who Wish Me Dead (RT: 62%)
Streaming on HBO Max
A rough and tumble badass haunted by their past ends up protecting a child and facing down a shady group of professional criminals through happenstance? This thing is going to play on TNT for years. Anglie Jolie, no stranger to TNT Saturday afternoon movies, is certainly game, squeezing every bit of juice out of the fairly generic thriller material. While a rock solid time killer, it’s hard not to be a little disappointed for an outing from Taylor Sheridan who has written some of the most gripping character driven thrillers of the last decade (Sicario, Hell or High Water). Perhaps years of working on every dad in America’s favorite tv show Yellowstone have dulled his bolder sensibilities seen in his much darker and biting previous directorial outing Wind River (Streaming on Netflix). It is also slightly disappointing to find it to be a third film of the year to underutilize Jon Bernthal.
Tess Thought (65): Surprisingly decent. A confusing year for Angelina Jolie.
61. Palmer (RT: 72%)
Streaming on Apple TV
Very pleased to see that Justin Timberlake’s agent also enjoyed Peanut Butter Falcon. In another southern fried tale of unlikely friendship Timberlake’s rough and tumble ex-con Eddie Palmer befriends the young dress wearing princess obsessed neighbor boy Sam. Sam’s mother (Ted Lasso’s Juno Temple) does the drugs so Palmer’s grandmother (the always nice to see June Squibb) has taken to frequently caring for the boy. Timberlake isn’t the most believable as taciturn man with a violent past but once he starts bonding with the boy he and charming newcomer Ryder Allen form a believably heartwarming friendship.
Tess Thought (45): It doesn’t matter that JT can’t believably play a hardened criminal because the sweet spot of the movie is 100% his adorable friendship with the neighbor boy.
60-51: Lazy Sunday Afternoon
60. The Map of Tiny Perfect Things (RT: 76%)
Streaming on Amazon Prime
Everyone working on this time loop romantic comedy had to be pissed when they first heard about Palm Springs. Kathryn Newton (Freaky, Big Little Lies) and Kyle Allen are a perfectly charming pair to spend a repeated day with but they are no Andy Samberg and Cristin Milioti. Where the duo in Palm Spring slowly descend into nihilism given their predicament, this teen pair takes the opportunity afforded to them to make the titular “Map of Tiny Perfect Things.” The map lays out all the quietly beautiful moments of serendipity that play out across their town during the repeated day. Despite its generally zippiness and good vibes, soft hearts should still be on alert. Like Palm Springs before it, this light hearted film conceals a melancholic streak, the predictable yet touching source of which hits like a brick when revealed in a late second act twist. Fret not, the light enjoyable hijinx does resume, just from a different perspective.
Tess Thought (37): I want to live in a time loop rom com. Adorable.
59. Gunpowder Milkshake (RT: 58%)
Streaming on Netflix
The action is stronger in the first half when it’s less John Wick and more slapstick with star Karen Gillan (Guardians of the Galaxy, Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle) showing strong aptitude for Jackie Chan-esque combination of simultaneous ass kicking and physical comedy. The high point is a hospital set scuffle where anesthesia has robbed Gillan’s assassin Sam of the use of her arms. Beyond that inspired scene, another humorous bowling alley brawl, and the novelty of having a largely female cast, the film is a fairly generic shoot ‘em up. It is not without intermittent pleasures though like seeing elder statesman Michelle Yeoh (Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon) impressively whooping some standard issue thugs with a big old chain.
Tess Thought (36): The trio of librarians is severely underutilized.
58. Kate (RT: 44%)
Streaming on Netflix
I can barely go for a walk when I’m hungover. Search me how someone could execute a neon lit revenge rampage against the yakuza while suffering acute radiation poisoning but Mary Elizabeth Winstead’s titular badass Kate tackles that task with aplomb. Throw in looking after a horrifically annoying young teen girl and Kate may have the most unenviable evening of any character this year. Hmm a highly skilled assassin securing vengeance while overcoming a time restrictive fatal poisoning? Sounds like another opportunity to plug the Crank franchise, the high water mark for this type of high concept low brow entertainment.
Tess Thought (35): Of course the female John Wick also has to have protective mother instincts. I could’ve done without the kid.
57. Queenpins (RT: 47%)
Streaming on Paramount+ which you surely still have an unused free trial for
Kristen Bell and Kirby Howell-Baptiste get their midwest housewife version of Hustlers on racking up dough via an illegal online coupon ring. Definitely a comedy that’ll please the ole Paul Walter Hauser Hive. They should start calling him Richard Jewell Thief because he steals every scene in which his gung ho loss prevention officer appears. This is bumped up a couple spots by Vince Vaughn’s vowel selection when saying “coupon.” Hey, you know what other comedy centers on an elaborate couponing scheme? Punch Drunk Love, Adam Sandler’s finest film, which is conveniently streaming now on HBO Max.
Tess Thought (33): Vince Vaughn can do no wrong. I will die on that hill.
56. Biggie: I Got A Story To Tell (RT: 77%)
Streaming on Netflix
Using limited archive footage and interviews with his mother and those around him in his formative years, this documentary examines the impact his upbringing and community had on Christopher Wallace aka Biggie Smalls, the Notorious B.I.G. Whether it be a kindly jazz musician taking him under his wing or formative trips to his mother’s homeland of Jamaica a lot went into forming the iconic rapper the world knows today. It also keys in on how invested all these folks were in his success and the impact he had on folks living in his same dire circumstances in the Brooklyn projects. It does not delve much into the heavily theorized about manner of his passing but rather director Emmett Malloy works to illustrates why the loss was so tragic.
Tess Thought (47): It’s amazing what he accomplished in such a short amount of time. This documentary definitely would have benefitted from additional footage, but you are reminded just how short his promising life and career were.
55. Malignant (RT: 76%)
Streaming on HBO Max starting 1/27
Don’t be fooled by the standard jump scares and generic spooky atmosphere in the first half, this thing goes off the rails in the most deliriously enjoyable manner once it’s audacious big reveal finally hits before a manic third act. It’s very fun that director James Wan had enough clout following the blockbuster success of Aquaman and his Conjuring franchise to make the most batshit crazy idea he’s ever had into a movie. Would have been nicer if he had enough clout to get a better cast but this is some premium trash. Wan and his screenwriter Akela Cooper appear to have been inspired in equal measure by giallo slasher films and the B-horror premises that would generate grimey cover art to scare the bejeezus out of you as you perused the Blockbuster aisles. Complete with a score that is largely just a synth heavy interpolation of The Pixies “Where is My Mind?” Malignant makes no illusions about being subtle and takes you on a wild ride.
Tess Thought (83): There are some things you can’t unsee.
54. Small Engine Repair (RT: 78%)
Available for Rental
If you haven’t yet, I would highly recommend you not actually click on the trailer link for this one as it’s actually best to go in with as little foreknowledge as possible. Adapted from writer/director/star John Pollono’s stage play, much of the film’s action takes place in a titular small engine repair garage as 3 lifelong friends reunite for a night of revelry after a parting of ways following a tumultuous drunken altercation. Joining Pollono at the shop are the always welcome Jon Bernthal and Shea Whigham aka America’s favorite motocross stepdad Ray. All three leads are fantastic as the men goof off, reminisce and bond prior to the shocking revelation of the true purpose of their gathering. The film goes a bit off the rails when that stunning twist hits but Pollono never loses sight of his core vision of the friendship of these damaged men healing the wounds their machismo soaked lifestyles have wrought them.
Tess Thought (40): Not at all what I expected. In a good way. No spoilers but what you should expect is a delightful performance by Jon Bernthal.
53. The White Tiger (RT: 91%)
Streaming on Netflix
A lazier film would have opened with “All my life I wanted to be an entrepreneur” as Adarsh Gourav’s ever present narration as successful Indian businessman and former peasant Balram Halwai gives this rise to power film a purposeful Goodfellas vibe. Outwardly Balram is soft spoken and always smilingly eager to please his masters. Internally the gears of his gifted yet uneducated mind are always duplicitously turning and angling to discover his next rung up the social ladder. It’s captivating to watch this dichotomous battle take place and the ruthless capitalist burst forth in increasingly startling ways from meager Balram. When those at the top are so consistently cruel and exploitative, Balram knows it naive to think hard work or goodwill alone would allow him to ascend anywhere near their status. Iranian-American Writer/Director Ramin Bahrani suffers some understandable pacing issues adapting a 300+ page book for the silver screen but asserts himself as a vibrant voice that I certainly now need to circle back on the neorealist works of his early career (Man Push Cart, Chop Shop) to hear more from.
Tess Thought (118): I have tried to watch this movie several times and make it maybe a half hour before falling asleep.
52. The Spongebob Movie: Sponge on the Run (RT: 67%)
Streaming on Paramount+
Russian filmmaker and theorist Andrei Tarkovsky once said, “The allotted function of art is not, as is often assumed, to put across ideas, to propagate thoughts, to serve as example. The aim of art is to prepare a person for death, to plough and harrow his soul, rendering it capable of turning to good. Touched by a masterpiece, a person begins to hear in himself that same call of truth which prompted the artist to his creative act. When a link is established between the work and its beholder, the latter experiences a sublime, purging trauma. Within that aura which unites masterpieces and audience, the best sides of our souls are made known, and we long for them to be freed. In those moments we recognize and discover ourselves, the unfathomable depths of our own potential, and the furthest reaches of our emotions.” Never more has the full weight of this wisdom washed over me than whilst laughing hysterically at the sequence where a beautifully 3D rendered Spongebob and Patrick go buck wild in the lost city of Atlantic City.
Tess Thought (103): There is absolutely nothing special or particularly interesting about this movie.
51. Encanto (RT: 90%)
Streaming on Disney+
A beautifully animated musical with vibrant representation of Columbian people and their culture. While not as rich as Jared Bush and Byron Howard’s last Disney feature Zootopia, its narrative’s combination of displacement by undefined political strife and magical realism could lead it to serve as a middle school English teacher’s dream springboard into the writing of Isabel Allende. Encanto also executes a fun twist on the well worn hero’s journey by both having the main character Mirabel (Brooklyn 99’s Stephanie Beatriz) be the only member of her family without an X-men superpower and staging her entire quest of discovery within the walls of her family home. Unfortunately for its ranking, after already taking in one musical written by him, one directed by him and viewing of the recording of Hamilton on Disney+, I had far exceeded my quota on Lin-Manuel Miranda for this year. He indisputably has some bangers but so many of his songs just ooze with the “see kids, actually this lame thing can be cool” vibe you get when your teacher makes a parody of a once hip song to teach you about the organelles inside a cell.
Tess Thought (38): 5 stars for Luisa’s song and it only goes uphill from there! Downhill? Which one is good?
50-41: Mute The Groupchat
50. tick, tick… Boom! (RT: 88%)
Streaming on Netflix
Much to my disappointment this was neither a musical version of the Keanu Reeves bomb driven classic Speed nor a tribute to The Hives. Instead it is Lin-Manuel Miranda’s directorial debut feature adaptation of an off-broadway musical written by Jonathan Larson (the creator of Rent) about Larson struggling to write an entirely different musical while looking down the barrel of turning 30 without any major theatrical accomplishments. So, a real inside fastball for show tune fanatics. Andrew Garfield gives it 110% and is certainly going to garner some awards buzz for his exaggerated facial expressions and overall manic performance mannerism that make it seem as though Larson was doing jazz hands at least 2 hours of every day. It was not especially my cup of tea, but it’s very nice the musical theater kids get to have their own Mank.
Tess Thought (60): I haaated Mank. tick, tick…Boom was fine.
49. Jungle Cruise (RT: 62%)
Streaming on Disney+
An adventure that provides the rip roaring fun that shockingly few of Disney’s now 11 feature length adaptations of theme park attractions have delivered. Dwanyne Johnson is the professional wrestler but it’s Emily Blunt/her stunt double’s physicality that carries some early rough and tumble Indiana Jones by way of Buster Keaton set pieces. After cutting around latter day Liam Neeson in 4 B-movie thrillers the last decade, director Jaume Collet-Serra had to be over the moon to just be working with any intact knee cartilage. It’s tough to have any romantic chemistry with human special effect The Rock whose date nights surely include at least three scoops of creatine, but Blunt, by sheer gumption during their “will they, won’t they” repartee phase, may have come closest to pulling it off. The film loses a lot of momentum once the hooky magic and cgi monster elements take over the back half but still ends up much more enjoyable than The Country Bears, The Haunted Mansion or even 3 or 4 of the Pirates of the Caribbean.
Tess Thought (43): Jesse Plemons with a perfect German accent and a submarine! What more do you need?
48. Little Fish (RT: 91%)
Streaming on Hulu
Produced back in 2019, screenwriter Mattson Tomlin and director Chad Hartigan craft an inadvertently prescient tale about a devastating global pandemic. Here the infectious disease sweeping the globe causes Alzheimer's type memory loss within its victims. As 2020’s disorienting The Father chillingly detailed, there are few things more terrifying than losing one’s memory. Olivia Cooke and Jack O’Connell are both great as the focal couple Emma and Jude who become afflicted. There is a palpable sense of grief as their relationship slips through their fingers while the film ponders how much memory of a person can you lose before the feelings go away? The supporting couple Ben and Samantha are much less vital as they seem inserted into the story more to serve as a warning guidepost to Emma and Jude rather than characters of any substance themselves. Here 72 reviews deep in a post countless facebook using acquaintances of my mom are reading is where I will boldly admit once and for all that I didn’t particularly care for the highly praised Michal Gondry film Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind which delivers a similar message in a trippier package. Please keep that in mind when viewing the disparity from my fairly tepid response compared to my far more enthusiastic associate.
Tess Thought (13): Those memory reels!!! Ugh. So beautiful. I could watch this movie on repeat.
47. Barb & Star Go To Vista Del Mar (RT: 80%)
Streaming on Hulu
More a series of hit or miss gonzo comedy sketches than a cohesive narrative but my goodness do some of them hit. Complete with secret agents and Kristen Wiig pulling double duty as the film’s outlandish evil villain, it’s as close in energy to an Austin Powers movie as anything released in the last 20 years. It’s truly got it all: Bizarre fanciful non-sequiturs, biting critique of midwestern passive aggression, dancing chubby children, an overly literal 80’s ballad, and a wise crab named Morgan Freemand. Wiig and her co-star and writing partner Annie Mumolo clearly delight in performing these characters they’ve no doubt been cracking each other up with for years. The true revelation however is Jamie Dornan whom hornier readers may recall as the wooden board acting across from Dakota Johnson in the 50 Shades series snippets they viewed “inadvertently.” He really goes for it here and appears to be having the time of his life singing, dancing, and charming the culottes off everyone in sight with great comedic timing to boot.
Tess Thought (34): Bizarre, random, and maybe a little dumb, but completely wonderful.
46. Last Night in Soho (RT: 75%)
Available for Rental
Edgar Wright’s previous masterful parody films (Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz) have shown a clear love and understanding of the genres he skewers so it was just a matter of time before he drifted into the world of sincere homage. Apparently Luca Guadagnio captured quite a few minds of his peers (see #55) with 2018’s haunting Suspiria remake as Wright also goes with giallo horror as his inspiration. Thomasin Mckenzie plays a bookish fashion student named Ellie obsessed with the swinging 60’s. When she rents a room in London where each night when she sleeps she is transported back to the Soho nightclub scene circa 1966, it seems like a dream come true. However, she quickly learns the dangerous naivety of looking upon the past with rose colored glasses. Anya Taylor-Joy’s alluring but slightly alien wide eyed visage is tailor made for the role of aspiring singer Sandy, Ellie’s host through disorienting visions of the harrowing past. Wright generates a strong spooky atmosphere with a very stylish fun throwback for the first two acts but unfortunately lands on an ending you will very much want to throw back. It has one pretty good late twist playing against audience expectations but its climactic crazed killer reveal quite dishearteningly undercuts a lot of the messaging that plays out over much of its previous runtime. Petula Clarks’s “Downtown” is still a bop though.
Tess Thought (54): The first half was fantastic! There was a second half also.
45. Cruella (RT: 74%)
Streaming on Disney+
Very reminiscent of Joker and not just in being a villain origin story carried by an electric lead performance. It’s a shame films in their vein couldn’t be made without an existing IP attached because a zippy 70s London set fashion caper is probably a fun enough film in its own right. In fact, the ties to 101 Dalmatians are a bit shoehorned in and some of its weakest elements. However, the Disney branding surely helps open up the purse strings for the licensing on the endless needle drops that keep it buzzing along. Just as Joaquin Phoenix’s Oscar snagging Joker isn’t ever going to displace Heather Ledger’s version at the top of everyone’s mind, Emma Stone’s Cruella is quite good but cackling Glenn Close is iconic.
Tess Thought (21): Just a dream come true
44. Wrath of Man (RT: 66%)
Available for Rental or streaming on Epix which has to be a money laundering scheme
After 16 years Guy Ritchie reunites with his early muse Jason Statham but instead of a twisty British caper, Ritchie relocates to Los Angeles and does an admirable Michael Mann impression. Statham, perhaps our last great action star, is an absolute force of nature every second he is on screen as vengeance incarnate. It's a shame he disappears for large chunks of the back half of the film as a nondescript heisting crew of Triple Frontier rejects take over a parallel narrative. It's disappointing Ritchie couldn't crack open his deep rolodex of collaborators to get some bigger name charisma possessing wild cards because Scott Eastwood is not cutting it. Luckily for the Statham heavy armored truck driver portion, Ritchie did give a call to Mindhunter’s Holt McCallaney and gave his character the even cooler name of Bullet.
Tess Thought (27): Jason Statham is an absolute delight. Guy Ritchie knows exactly how to make him look SO COOL.
43. Stillwater (RT: 74%)
Available for Rental
Matt Damon’s daughter took one look at his goatee and how far his shirt was tucked into his jeans and said “Dad you gotta stop saying the F slur.” Stillwater is a ripped from the headlines spin on the Amanda Knox story of an American college student jailed overseas for murder. Damon plays the stubborn Oklahoman father Bill Baker determined to prove his daughter’s innocence. With his stay in France extended by a number of legal hurdles and investigatory indifference, a surprisingly effective fish out of water romance takes over much of the narrative. When the case snaps back to the forefront, Director Tom McCarthy uses that lengthy dalliance to great effect to show just how far Baker is willing to go and what he is willing to throw away in his messy pursuit for justice long after his daughter has begun to find peace with her situation. The bullheadedness of Baker’s act makes the film’s gut punch of an ending sting all the more.
Tess Thought (44): I am HERE for country Matt Damon falling in love with a French woman. There’s another storyline going on too but I forget what.
42. Val (RT: 93%)
Streaming on Amazon Prime
A Juilliard trained method actor, Val Kilmer is a genuinely odd man with grand artistic ambition whose life had been draped in tragedy even before throat cancer robbed him of his speech. Inspired by that recent loss of his voice, Kilmer cracks open a vast vault of personal footage to tell the world his truly unique story. Directors/editors Leo Scott and Tong Poo sift through thousands of hours of footage Kilmer shot throughout his life with various apparently omnipresent video cameras. From makeshift movies made in his childhood with his brothers, to palling around backstage at a 1983 play with still boyish Kevin Bacon and Sean Penn, to talking with Marlon Brando on the notorious set of The Island of Dr. Moreau, Kilmer personally documented it all. While mixing in some present day footage of what his new day to day looks like, Kilmer enlists his uncannily sound alike son Jack to narrate the tale of his past life in the first person to great effect. Kilmer was always regarded in entertainment circles as a bit of a space case that had a reputation of being very difficult to work with. This documentary certainly doesn’t refute that in any concrete way but it is fascinating to see his motivations and the artistic choices that put him on that path..
Tess Thought (48): Val Kilmer is wild.
41. Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings (RT: 91%)
Streaming on Disney+
The first half of this film has some great kinetic set pieces organized by the late great stunt coordinator Brad Allen who worked on Jackie Chan’s Hong Kong stunt team. This influence is most clear in an inspired brawl aboard a moving city bus where star and former stuntman himself Simu Liu does his best Chan impression to leap about the confined space utilizing objects around him to subdue his assailants. A later martial arts skirmish atop some well placed scaffolding is similarly tactical and thrilling. It makes it all the more disappointing when the third act gets bogged down in some lackluster CGI spectacle.
Tess Thought (16): Nothing lackluster about any of it!
40-31: Pop The Corn, It’s Movie Night
40. Luca (RT: 91%)
Streaming on Disney+
One of the slightest films in the Pixar library but just a nice summer vacation movie about friendship. Jacob Tremblay voices Luca, a sheltered 13 year old sea monster who, despite his parent’s wishes, begins exploring the surface world where he can take human form along with his much brasher sea monster friend Alberto. Alberto seems worldly and cool so Luca instantly takes a shine to him and his ways. The central conflict is largely just based around how this dynamic changes when Luca also befriends a scholastically inclined human girl. It’s got a nice simple message for kids about how friendships can grow and change. The animation is as gorgeous as has come to be expected from a Pixar production, stunningly rendering both undersea life and the quaint cobblestone seaside Italian town the boys frequent. Jim Gaffigan gets to play a sea monster dad with a mustache which is the exact level of charm you can expect throughout this quite pleasant little film.
Tess Thought (74): I expected much more.
39. Black Widow (RT: 79%)
Streaming on Disney+
The small child next to me at our screening was bored out of their mind but I quite enjoy the Bourne movies so I was good to go. After a full decade, 7 previous Marvel film appearances and even a death, Scarlett Johansson’s Natasha Romanov is finally given her first solo feature. So of course, Florence Pugh’s wry sardonic Yelena steals the show. Natasha is an interesting character as the only original female Avenger and one of just a handful of heroes without superhuman abilities or a flying suit of armor covered in rockets. Fittingly Black Widow goes more ground level with its threats of brainwashed assassins and what not at least until its obligatory flying fortress finale. The film’s interpretation of B-list Marvel villain Taskmaster has been heavily critiqued in comic book reading circles but the admittedly bastardized version functions well in the context of the story. The real issue, as is persistently the case with Marvel movies, is a lackluster true antagonist. Ray Winstone is a good get for the franchise but the infamous hard man is written as the generic world domination obsessed baddie of a lesser Bond film. Luckily Pugh is joined by David Harbough as a washed up Soviet super soldier counterpart to Captain America and a vastly overqualified Rachel Weisz in a makeshift cover story family that reunites to assist Natasha in her latest mission. The goofy over the top Russian accents and chemistry of this crew bouncing off each other more than makes up for the film's various shortcomings to produce a rock solid spy film.
Tess Thought (28): I thought Florence Pugh was the perfect choice to play Scarlett Johannsson’s sister since they look so much alike, only to discover their characters are not actually related. Unbelievable.
38. The Matrix: Resurrections (RT: 66%)
In Theaters and on HBO Max until 1/22
Director Lana Wachowski makes an overtly meta return to the series she and her sister Lilly concluded 18 years prior. The film asserts not especially subtly, that despite the much ballyhooed Hong Kong inspired action set pieces and confusing philosophical hoopla, The Matrix Trilogy, is at its core, a sentimental, earnest love story. In defiance of many recent legacy franchise expansion, Resurrections asserts that The Matrix is the Wachowski’s story and despite what studio executives and fans may clamor for, Lana is really only interested in expanding on what she sees as the key element by reuniting previously doomed lovers Neo and Trinity. While new characters like Jessica Henwick’s enjoyable Bugs are introduced and Jonathan Groff and Yahya Abdul-Mahten II bring some additional sleek new blood to the series playing variants of iconic franchise characters, the focus remains solely on restoring the romantic connection central to the series power. The action is certainly not as memorable or well executed as in the original trilogy but Keanu Reeves and Carrie Ann Moss are the greatest special effects of all having barely aged in the nearly two decades since last playing these iconic characters and they slip seamlessly back into the roles.
Tess Thought (41): I need an entirely new trilogy with Neil Patrick Harris. While a lot of fun, this movie felt rushed.
37. The Sparks Brothers (RT: 96%)
Streaming on Netflix
Less a deep dive into what makes these unique artists tick and more an unabashed love letter to an unequivocally weird band that has through all the changing tides of the last 50 years just persisted with their own sonic vision. Directed by fanboy Edgar Wright and featuring talking head interviews with not just the brothers themselves but many famous admirers, it possesses major kid telling you about his favorite pokemon vibes. That energy could be tedious to some across its two hour run time but the film is filled with an infectious enthusiasm for these kooky keyboard guys that can’t be denied.
Tess Thought (61): The cartoon portions were very fun. Otherwise this is not a super interesting watch for someone who doesn’t know who Sparks are.
36. Free Guy (RT: 80%)
Available for Rental
This is essentially a fun live action Lego Movie set in the world of video games. Ryan Reynolds tweaks his persistent persona ever so slightly from sarcastic loudmouth to dimbulb everyman to a much more endearing effect. Lil Rel Howery is once again well deployed as the world’s finest best friend. Joe Keery and Jodie Comer play a pair of game designers out to prove with the help of Reynold’s recently sentient video character Blue Shirt Guy that a shamelessly mugging Taika Waititi has stolen their coding to build his massively popular Grand Theft Auto style video game. Producing studio Fox’s absorption by Disney allows for a fun cavalcade of easter eggs and nods to other intellectual property throughout. The film also features the most fun extended cameo of the year as an A-Lister fit for the over the top world of video games pops in to have a ball for a few quick minutes. After 3 Night at the Museums, a Cheaper by the Dozen, and Paul Giamatti’s finest work Big Fat Liar, director Shawn Levy is well adept at crafting family friendly mayhem. Adding in some occasional swear words and ratcheting up the bloodless violence ever so slightly gives Levy a perfect film for any Fortnite obsessed middle schooler in your life.
Tess Thought (29): Just thinking about the movie gets that song stuck in my head. Thank goodness it’s a banger.
35. Finch (RT: 73%)
Streaming on Apple TV
I had a class in college where we watched both Wall-E and The Road so I would have appreciated having this available to cut out the middle man but would not have enjoyed how misty eyed I’d be in front of my peers. Not a chance this minor survival story hits nearly as hard without the casting of Tom Hanks but America’s dad can still play your emotions like a fiddle. Caleb Landry Jones gives a laudable performance as well via motion capture and voice acting as the clumsy robot Hanks’s eponymous engineer Finch builds to care for his dog after he inevitably passes away in the UV radiated wasteland of post apocalyptic earth. Praise also needs to be given to Director Miguel Sapochnik for discovering proper lighting after his debacle staging the infamous two shades lighter than pitch black Battle of Winterfell during Game of Thrones disastrous final season.
Tess Thought (31): Name a better duo than Tom Hanks and his dog.
34. King Richard (RT: 91%)
Will be back on HBO Max Soon
With his daughters serving as executive producers and a star with a pathological need to be liked, there was little hope of a warts and all biography of the complex and controversial figure Richard Williams. What King Richard does deliver however, is a film that scratches the itch of a well made by the numbers underdog sports movie better than anything since Ford vs Ferrari. The back half is especially compelling once its focus shifts to Venus Williams’s historic pro debut as a 14 year old. Coincidentally, this is also when Jon Bernthal enters the scene as legendary tennis coach Rick Macci. Finally, in his 5th appearance of the year, a film that knows the value of a well placed Bernthal and lets the man cook. Who knows what accent he was supposed to be doing but he sure had a gosh darn good time doing it.
Tess Thought (24): Thank you to Rick Lacy for introducing me to The Punisher because I am now obsessed with Jon Bernthal who showcased time and time again this year that he has RANGE. This was a lovely movie and I am pretty sure I liked several other elements of it, but looking back all I remember is Bernthal.
33. Belfast (RT: 86%)
Available for $20 Digital Rental if you’re the heir to a fortune 500 company
Kenneth Branagh isn’t the most subtle storyteller or gifted craftsman but he sure does wrangle some wonderful performance from an endearing Irish cast to tell a loosely autobiographical tale about growing up during The Troubles. The story is told from the perspective of wide eyed 9 year old Buddy who understandably is a bit more locked in on the cute Catholic girl in class and trips to the movie theater than the political turmoil taking place around him. Belfast native Ciaran Hinds is the standout as the kindly grandfather dispensing advice for love and life to young Buddy. Nearly as good is Jamie Dornan as Buddy’s adored father who takes no guff from any hatemongers on his block. Pairing this with his charming work in Barb and Star, I’m all aboard the Dornan as the next James Bond hype train. Move this up or down a few spots based on your tolerance for Van Morrison who provides 9 songs to the soundtrack.
Tess Thought (7): Every word the grandpa says is pure gold. I was so invested in this movie and in this adorable family.
32. Petite Maman (RT: 96%)
Luckily snagged a digital screener because this is currently nowhere to be found stateside
Petite Maman is a sweet little French film about familial grief and mother-daughter connections. Josephine Sanz plays an 8 year old girl that following the passing of her beloved grandmother returns to her mother’s childhood home and befriends a strikingly similar little girl played by Sanz’s real life twin sister Gabrielle. The casting not only sets up its central twist but aids director Céline Sciamma in capturing the natural playfulness and curiosity of children better than anything this side of The Florida Project. Not being a mother or daughter my mind did occasionally drift towards the Looper implications of the magical realism induced time loop scenario unfolding. Looper rips and contains quite possibly Bruce Willis’s final great film performance before the video on demand checks got too big to turn down. Happy to report it’s currently streaming on Netflix. You’ll still have enough time left in the evening to fire that bad boy up once you dab the ole eyes up after knocking out Petite Maman’s refreshingly restrained yet still touching 72 minute fable.
Tess Thought (15): Loved this beautiful little story. Did not think of Looper actually but instead my own wonderful mother and Nana.
31. Nightmare Alley (RT: 80%)
In Theaters Still Allegedly
A spooky carnival is so far in Guillermo del Toro’s endearing little creep lane it’s no surprise he would take a crack at adapting this 1946 novel. It’s shocking that after years of Ron Perlman’s unique bone structure serving as his muse that this is the first time del Toro has called upon the haunting twisted visage of Willem Dafoe who has a minor but crucial first act role as the head carnival barker. Through a career of creature features, del Toro has long toyed with the notion that man is in fact the true monster. This seedy noir, his first film in his near 30 year career with no supernatural elements, is no exception to that proclivity. Here del Toro tussles with addiction not just to substances but to power and the descent to beasthood it can put a man through. Like the drunks and drug addicts coaxed by Dafoe into working geek shows, Bradley Cooper’s grifter Stan Carlisle does not know when to quit nor care who he harms in his relentless pursuit of more. As soon as you find out del Toro got a sultry domineering Cate Blanchett to play a feme fatale, you know poor sweet Rooney Mara never stood a chance.
Tess Thought (63): I really, really enjoyed the first 30 minutes or so and should’ve just left the theater after that.
30-21: Watch It As Soon As You Can
30. Nine Days (RT: 88%)
Available for Rental
This debut feature by writer/director Edson Oda got some of its existential thunder stolen by the similarly minded Soul but is still a moving meditation on life and what it truly means to be alive. Here Winston Duke (Us, Black Panther) fully inhabits the role of Will, an arbiter of souls who over the course of nine days of interviews determines which soul will be placed into the body of a newborn baby on earth. Oda has a truly unique vision of the astral plane where Will lives in a meager cluttered farmhouse in the middle of a desert keeping watch over the souls he has previously sent to earth on vintage televisions while taking meticulous notes and recording the entirety of their existence on VHS tapes. There is a deep melancholic ache throughout the film as Will reels from the death of his favored earthbound soul Amanda and tries to avoid repeating whatever possible mistake in the selection process may have contributed to her demise. Philosophical quandaries abound but the real draw are the performances which are stellar across the board. Tony Hale as a needy candidate that craves Will’s friendship and Zazie Beet’s free spirit who would rather enjoy her brief time being sentient rather than participate in the formal review process really stand out.
Tess Thought (3): Nine Days is far superior to Soul in every way. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. It is perfectly executed across the board, and the result is just hauntingly beautiful.
29. The Harder They Fall (RT: 87%)
Streaming on Netflix
Singer/producer/brother of Seal, Jeymes Samuel makes a masterful jump from music videos to feature films with this revisionist western that is a certified hoot and a half. Samuel assembles a loaded cast of black actors (Idris Elba, Regina King, Lakeith Stanfield, Jonathan Majors, Zazie Beetz and Delroy Lindo) to portray fictionalized versions of black old west legends divided into two factions for a good old fashioned showdown. Everyone is a lot of fun in this movie but none more so than lesser known bug eyed Danielle Deadweller as gruff badass tomboy Cuffee, very loosely based on the only known female Buffalo Soldier. Samuel’s keen sense of style is what shines brightest of all across this rough and tumble motion picture. In the climax there is a beautiful 30 second sequence starting at 1:38:42 where Samuel and editor Tom Eagles (frequent collaborator of Taiki Waititi) go from a long slow zoom of Elba’s view staring out a window down at Majors directly into an axial cut from Major’s point of view looking back at the menacing Elba perched high above him. Classic spaghetti western violins are buzzing the whole time as these two adversaries eye each other up from across the town. This sequence has lived rent free in my head for the 2 months since I first saw it.
Tess Thought (32): Absolutely amazing cast. I think I like Westerns now.
28. The Suicide Squad (RT: 90%)
Streaming on HBO Max
Warner gave James Gunn a blank check to make another Guardians of the Galaxy and he cashed it in on a $150 million Super complete with Slither monsters. Gunn reaches deep into the depths of DC Comics to fill an expansive roster of truly expendable D-list villains. At one point a character even explicitly points out exactly how interchangeable many of their marginal “powers'' and skill sets are. Gunn has a lot of fun with the conceit that any one of these characters (save likely Margot Robbie’s merchandise moving Harley Quinn) could bite the dust at any moment. The cast comprised of both returning members of the team’s dismal David Ayer helmed 2016 outing and a colorful squad of newcomers are all incredibly game for the lunacy. Sylvester Stallone has some truly gut busting line reads as the group’s dimbulb muscle King Shark. John Cena is a deadpan delight as a dense roided out twisted caricature of Captain America that takes his desire for world peace to the deranged extreme of killing anyone standing in its way. Gleefully vulgar and filled with over the top gore, Gunn’s latest serves as marvelous counter programming to the sanitized family friendly hits he used to grow his sizable cache
Tess Thought (25): Speaking directly to trailer makers: STOP putting the best scene into the trailer!
27. The Last Duel (RT: 85%)
Streaming on HBO Max
Interesting that Matt Damon went with a mullet in the 2021 movie where he isn’t from Oklahoma. Director Ridley Scott takes the story of the last legal judicial duel conducted in 14th Century France and gives a Rashomon spin on how it came to pass. Like that seminal Kurosawa film, Duel is an illuminating look at the power of perspective, an apt area of examination for a medium whose whole execution is based around selective choices like how a shot is framed. The story is first told from the perspective of Damon’s noble honorbound warrior Sir Jean de Carrouges who feels disrespected by those above him at every turn most egregiously by the pompous Jacques Le Gris violating his wife Marguerite. The second telling comes from Adam Driver’s charming educated Le Gris who see’s de Carrouges as a dullard beneath Marguerite whom most justly desires him instead. These perspectives are written by Damon and Ben Affleck and in a master stroke of casting feature Affleck as a douchey French lord less concerned with the men’s repeated squabbles than when his next drunken act of debauchery will take place. The third segment, written by Nicole Holofcener (Can You Ever Forgive Me?), centers on Jodie Cormer’s Marguerite who suffers not only an unspeakable violation but as a pawn of both men’s egos. When all 3 voices have been heard and conclusions drawn across the shifting focal points, Scott satisfyingly gets to go full Gladiator with the brutal spectacle of the grisly climactic duel.
Tess Thought (42): This is not my style, but I enjoyed it much more than expected. I loved the storytelling, and I stan Matt Damon always - even with a mullet.
26. A Quiet Place Part II (RT: 91%)
Streaming on Paramount+. All the Jackass movies are there too so knock them out during your month trial in preparation for Jackass Forever
Writer/Director John Krasinski scored a massive sleeper hit with 2018’s A Quiet Place. Here he fruitfully builds upon the world of the original while not falling into sequel bloat by expanding the scope too far beyond the central Abbot family. Krasinski and cinematographer Polly Morgan put their expanded budget to good use with a masterful opening scene flashback detailing the startling arrival of the blind monsters with hypersensitive hearing that have decimated the planet. The increasingly panicked long takes of Krasinski roaming around while Emily Blunt’s car traverses the chaos consumed town trying to retrieve her husband and daughter are the film’s highlight. First film standout deaf child actress Millicent Simmonds is given an expanded role as she ventures away from her family on a quest to drive back the alien invaders. In two thrilling sequences, Krasinski deftly cross cuts back and forth between Simmonds story and Blunt guarding her baby and an injured and vulnerable Noah Jupe without diffusing the momentum of either scene. Cillian Murphy, a veteran of post-apocalyptic franchise films, is a solid addition to the cast. His hardened thousand yard stare serves as a stark warning to the family’s latest threat of other humans who have descended to depraved lows to survive. At a refreshingly modest 97 minutes Krasinski keeps the pacing tight and the tension high throughout.
Tess Thought (18): Best child actors in the game right now.
25. Candyman (RT: 84%)
Available for Rental
A worthy reboot/sequel to one of the more underrated horror films of the 90s. Often lumped in with slashers of the period, the original is a treatise on the power of urban legends in dealing with communal trauma featuring a haunting Phillip Glass score. The film expounds on theming of the first film by exploring an interesting thread about different iterations of the same story being adapted to their times and circumstances. The shadow puppet sequences used when its myths are retold are creepy as hell. A pattern of shots of an inverted Chicago skyline as scenes transition captures the correct disorienting mood. Fitting for a character that lurks in the shadows and is summoned via a mirror, director Nia DaCosta creatively uses reflective surfaces and obfuscation to great effect in some memorable death scenes. One standout kill zooms way out to show a victim’s demise from the viewpoint of a neighboring highrise. While there is still a bit of gore, DaCosta deploys a restraint in the action knowing the audience’s minds can conjure up far more grisly and terrifying ends than any censor would let through. DaCosta loses a bit steam in a messy third act where a full mad villain turn is made but the artistry of what came before still leaves a strong impression.
Tess Thought (49): My expectations were high, and they were not entirely met.
24. Ghostbusters: Afterlife (RT: 63%)
Available for Rental
It has become en vogue to bash fan service and movies playing to nostalgia. If you’re in that camp with your fancy book learning and whatnot, Jason Reitman’s Ghostbusters by way of The Goonies isn’t going to sway you from your very astute opinion. But if busting makes you feel good, my goodness does this toggle the right knobs and flip all the switches. Is it a bit goofy to display such reverence for a dopey slapped together 80’s action comedy where Dan Aykroyd is fellated by a ghost? Sure, but the kids are great especially Mckenna Grace playing a gender flipped child approximation of the late great Harold Ramis’s iconic Egon, Paul Rudd is perfectly cast for the series and adding a gunner seat to the Ecto-1 is objectively rad.
Tess Thought (30): I expected to hate the little girl (not sure why) but actually found her adorable! Once the child in the theater screaming “I want to go home” was finally removed by his parents (it did take three separate outbursts for this to happen), GB: Afterlife was a wonderful viewing experience.
23. No Time To Die (RT: 84%)
Available for Rental
If last year’s Tenet was Christopher Nolan’s crack at making a bold brash Bond imitation, this was the Bond series best effort at aping Christopher Nolan complete with booming Hans Zimmer score and a dubious understanding of how radar works. The plot is a bit convoluted and unfortunately requires a loose familiarity with the lackluster Spectre but in a fitting sendoff to Daniel Craig’s rough and tumble Bond iteration this film is stacked with some phenomenal set pieces. Director Cary Joji Fukunaga, crafter of True Detective’s show stopping long take, is back at it again staging a chilling icy encounter with Rami Malek’s unnerving masked assassin, a motorcycle and car chase through cobblestone Italian streets, a foggy forest shootout, and possibly the action high point of the year with a John Wick style brawl where Bond teams up with a bubbly and deadly in equal measure Ana De Armas to decimate the thugs filling a Cuban night club.
Tess Thought (26): I am so confused by how old Rami Malek is supposed to be at any given point in this movie. I prefer Daniel Craig’s voice in Knives Out. Madeleine Swann is my favorite character because my sister is Madeline Swain.
22. Together Together (RT: 90%)
Streaming on Hulu
It would be one of the finest romantic comedies of recent years if it actually contained a romance. Instead it tells a different kind of love story about the still meaningful platonic love that can be found in life. Patti Harrison, supreme chuckle harvester from the surreal sketch show I Think You Should Leave, co-stars as a gestational surrogate for a single middle aged app designer played by Ed Helms. It's kind of a shame the career of Helms is so tied to Andy Bernard and The Hangover because he is a lot more enjoyable in this dialed back Jeff Who Lives At Home range. A lesser film would try to light a spark between the two but under the watchful eye of writer/director Nikole Beckwith the pair instead forms a beautiful and believable friendship as they bond over their shared experience preparing for the birth of a child. A wonderful supporting cast of comedy ringers (Tig Notaro, Nora Dunn, Jo Firestone) pop in and out each befuddled in their own way by the unique pairing none more so than an increasingly over-it medical technician played by Sufe Bradshaw. While the two may not be together, together and the partnership impermanent, their lovely rapport will linger in the hearts of viewers for years to come.
Tess Thought (19): Endearing, charming, cute, heartwarming, all of those good words!
21. The Power of the Dog (RT: 96%)
Streaming on Netflix
Acclaimed director Jane Campion uses the traditionally macho western genre to craft a subversive contemplation on toxic masculinity. Benedict Cumberbatch gives an award worthy performance as a hard cruel rancher that despises anything soft from his own portly refined brother George he refers to solely as Fatso (Jesse Plemons) or the sweet young waiter (Kodi Smit-McPhee) making paper flowers for his mother’s restaurant tables he labels “Ms. Nancy.” Kirsten Dunst is absolutely heartbreaking as the restauranteer turned George’s wife who utterly collapses under the torture of Phil’s sadistic mental warfare. Campion builds all the film's momentum towards a predictable surprise only to pull the rug out with one of the grandest yet subtle twists in film this year for a shocking conclusion that profoundly recontextualizes much of what has played out prior. It’s a sleight of hand that lingers with you long after the credits roll as you think back on all the set up and misdirection that played out right before your eyes.
Tess Thought (64): I get it, I understand why other people like it, it was fine, I hate Benedict Cumberbatch, movies that don’t particularly interest me cannot exceed 90 minutes.
20-11: Recommend It To Friends
20. Nobody (RT: 84%)
Available for Rental
There have been a number of films that pull the mild mannered everyman is actually a highly trained killing machine but none with casting as inspired as Bob Odenkirk. A man whose intense fatherdom left countless theaters weeping when he returned home from the war to see his “little women.” The bus fight scene where Odenkirk fully drops the quiet suburanite act and turns on force of nature violent aggression is the best action sequence in a film this year. The first half of which is a magnificently brutal ballet. No quips, score or music of any kind. Just grunts and shouts as odenkirk beats the everliving shit out of some nondescript eurotrash punks. Comically far from the weightless back and forth punch fest you see in lesser action scenes, Odenkirk takes his fair share of wince-inducing lumps before being thrown through a side window. The brutality only escalates once he dusts off and re-enter the bus, the skills of his past life at his full ruthless disposal. While it never quite reaches this delirious height again there are some really nifty gun fights later in a would be home siege and the always necessary climactic warehouse showdown. 83 year old Christopher Llyod gets to partake in that showdown and has the time of his life playing Odenkirk’s father. What upper middle age actor are we giving a John Wick to next? My vote is for Adam Sandler.
Tess Thought (17): Me and middle-aged men everywhere absolutely LOVED this movie.
19. Mass (RT: 95%)
Available for Rental
Mass is a stirring drama that simply puts audiences through the emotional wringer. The film takes place almost entirely in a single room and is just a phenomenal showcase for some valuable character actors. Ann Dowd is terrific as always but Martha Plimpton, largely known for lighter fare (Raising Hope, The Goonies), is truly a revelation. Two sets of parents (Reed Birney and Jason Isaacs play the respective husbands) gather in a church meeting room to discuss a terrible tragedy that has irrevocably shattered the lives of both families and inextricably linked the two together. While the set up and limited cast may seem more suitable for the stage, director Fran Kranz keeps it a surprisingly cinematic affair. Kranz’s deployment of increasingly tightened close ups captures both the depth of emotions of his actors’ faces and the heightened tension in the room as the conversation takes an accusatory turn. As is often the case in life, there are no easy answers delivered to all the questions that arise from such an unfathomable incident.
Tess Thought (6): Phenomenal. This one will stick with me for maybe ever. One (1) box of kleenex required for each of Plimpton’s lines.
18. Flee (RT: 98%)
Not Streaming or On Demand Yet :(
Director Jonas Poher Rasmussen sits down with a former classmate for a series of interviews to capture the first hand account of an Afghan refugee’s traumatizing childhood experience of escaping from his civil war torn homeland and slowly making an arduous years long journey to a new life in Denmark. Rasmussen deploys hand drawn rotoscope looking animation for the duration of the documentary to both protect the identity of his subject but also visualize dramatic recreations of past life events. Given the pseudonym Amin, the refugee also describes the mundanity of much of his existence between several harrowing thwarted attempts to make his way to Scandinavia. These added details like countless hours stuck in a meager Russian apartment watching telenovelas help to ground Amin and his experience as not just some extraordinary symbol of resilience but rather a human being just trying to live his life. Through the telling of Amin’s story Rasmussen has produced a powerful encapsulation of not only the harrowing hoops countless folks have had to jump through simply to exist in this world but also the punishing guilt that comes with achieving even that meager existence.
Tess Thought (23): Unique animation, powerful story, well worth sitting on the uncomfortable floor for 90 minutes because we couldn’t get it to work on the living room TV.
17. Bad Trip (RT: 78%)
Streaming on Netflix
Eric Andre is one of the great singular comedic minds working in our internet brain addled times. He stretches his surreal sensibilities to feature length with this inspired bit of filmmaking that takes all the hackneyed beats of a typical lazy studio road trip movie but turns them into transcendent comedy brilliance by staging them in front of cameras hidden amongst unassuming bystanders. Where the Borat films use similar tactics to often expose the dark underbelly barely hidden in polite American society, Andre and his director Kitao Sakurai instead bring to light the goodness and humanity present in most folks going about their day to day. At nearly every turn there are folks willing to sincerely help Andre and Lil Rel Howery on their dopey quest for love or out of their latest unsightly incident. It was a bright light in a dark year for care and civility. While on the topic of bright lights, Tiffany Hadish could not have been more game to get in on the prank shenanigans, hilariously improvising her way through often hostile confrontations with innocent bystanders as a menacing ex-con hot in pursuit of our road tripping leads.
Tess Thought (56): While this movie is a great time, it is placed entirely too high on this list.
16. I Care A Lot (RT: 79%)
Streaming on Netflix
The fact it took Hollywood 7 years for another Rosamund Pike plays a duplicitous and breathtakingly cunning sociopath in a twisty game of cat and mouse is a crime. Get these bad boys pumping out every couple years like Adam Sandler comedies. Pike is once again wickedly delightful in this dark comedy built on elder abuse and critiquing the hustle mindset of late stage capitalism. Pike’s Marla Grayson is an expert conwoman running a racket where she gains legal guardianship over vulnerable elderly folks and bilks them for all their worth while they languish in nursing homes she cuts in on the action. It’s truly despicable stuff but Marla is such an unnervingly confident schemer and Pike is having such a blast playing her that you just want to see what trick she’ll pull out of her sleeve next. Have your antifungal cream ready because you might come down with a Wiest infection after watching star of stage and screen Dianne do battle with Marla. A supremely satisfying cat and mouse game where the upper hand changes nearly scene to scene ensues when a surprising connection calls Game of Thrones’s own silver tongued schemer Peter Dinklage into the fray.
Tess Thought (20): A little stress and a lot of fun. Chris Messina was DRESSIN’ and I would have liked to see more of his character but otherwise thoroughly enjoyed it.
15. Raya and the Last Dragon (RT: 94%)
Streaming on Disney+
It’s a shame more kids weren’t able to see this in theaters because it’s whip sword, martial arts, wisecracking sidekick, adorable animal pal, and Indiana Jones style adventuring would go over like gangbusters in the 6-12 crowd. It’s a fairly formulaic story but there’s a reason its various hero journey tropes became a well worn formula in the first place. Assembling a motley crew from across 5 distinct warring factions to take on the ultimate globe threatening evil?
Plus it has a baby conman that pulls off heists with a gang of monkey sidekicks. Your move Soderbergh.
Tess Thought (39): Awkwafina simply has the best voice.
14. In The Heights (RT: 94%)
Streaming on HBO Max
This insightful adaptation of a Broadway stage tale of dreamers and strivers in the minority dominated Washington Heights community of Manhattan is told by a refreshingly diverse and immensely talented cast but obviously the real draw is the show stopping musical numbers. Lin Manuel Miranda writes some bangers but it is a godsend that his eminently corny dweeb self aged out of the lead role so audiences could get the effortlessly charming Anthony Ramos in his stead. The romance angle of the story especially benefits from having Miranda reassigned to distractingly popping in from time to time selling shaved ice. Director Jon M. Chu, veteran of two Step Up films and a pair of Justin Bieber documentaries, certainly knows his way around staging impressive choreography. Chu also does an admirable job of bringing in visual elements that take advantage of the medium for a level of spectacle that a stage production simply could not capture. This comes in the form of both visual effects like having characters dance along the side of a building and in its sense of scale most imminent in the humongous community pool set film stealing number “96,000.”
Tess Thought (10): Benny on the Dispatch. That’s it. That’s the review.
13. Red Rocket (RT: 87%)
In Theaters
Simon Rex, aka comedic rapper Dirt Nasty, gives the performance of a lifetime playing washed up former porn star Mikey Saber. With $22 to his name, Saber hops a bus and returns to his Texas oil refinery lined hometown to crash with his estranged wife living in squalor with her mom. With his tremendous last film, The Florida Project, director Sean Baker shed heartbreaking light on the highs and lows of lives of a largely forgotten portion of our nation’s population. With Mikey, Baker and Rex have given us an uproariously funny depiction of America’s horny smooth talking white trash id incarnate. Mikey inflates any and all minor successes he ever achieved, talking them up and dispensing accompanying advice at any turn. Any failure or setback in his life is claimed to be the direct result of backstabbing by nefarious actors. He talks tough yet is never shown to strike a single blow and has near omnipresent bruises from his latest well deserved beatdown. He lives every moment scheming his next shady score be it money, sex, or even just a ride to the mall. He has no semblance of conscience, feelings of remorse, or empathy whatsoever. He only ever fears getting in trouble or having someone mad at him with no concern for any impact his actions have on those around him. He isn’t particularly intelligent but has just enough charisma to get away with it all while even capturing a few impressionable admirers under his sleazy spell. These days, he is an alarmingly pertinent figure to try and understand.
Tess Thought (12): Buy yourself some donuts before you sit down to watch this one. You’ll wish you had. Also amazing to see Simon Rex doing his thing 20 years later!
12. C’mon C’mon (RT: 95%)
Available for Rental
Just a beautiful little film about caregiving and how a previous generation prepares the next for life while still struggling to figure it all out themselves. Joaquin Phoenix’s radio journalist is unexpectedly thrust into parenting duty when his sister’s estranged husband suffers a mental health crisis. In this scenario, Phoenix and child actor Woody Norman form the most believable relationship in film this year. Perhaps aided by his scene partners Phoenix and Gabby Hoffman’s own experiences as child actors, Norman gives a phenomenal naturalistic performance. It was genuinely jaw dropping to find out Norman was British after viewing the film. Norman’s Jesse is weird and frustrating but it comes off in the endearing way that children actually are genuinely unpredictable rather than some showy screenwritten quirks. The radio journalism angle allows Director Mike Mills to dip back into his documentary roots by splicing in ostensibly candid interviews with kids in Detroit, New York City and New Orleans on their thoughts of what the future holds. These selections and the utilization of some poignant excerpts of written works like Claire A. Nivola’s “Star Child” serving as bedtime stories form an atmosphere of reflection on the true wonder that is humanity’s sustainment.
Tess Thought (14): So tender.
11. West Side Story (RT: 92%)
In Theaters (If the screening has not been replaced by a showing of Spider-Man)
After slow moving The Post and the digital monstrosity Ready Player One, it was fair to wonder if Steven Spielberg, a name synonymous with blockbuster spectacle, had lost his fastball. Add on top of these rumors of the now 75 year old director’s diminished powers, trepidation about remaking a quintessential musical that’s previous iconic adaptation already won Best Picture in 1961. These concerns are both thoroughly squashed by the kinetic choreography, meticulous staging, masterful framing and impressive sets of this technical maestro’s return to showstopping form. Ansel Elgort is a bit dull and bland in the lead role but may just feel that way because of how electric Broadway veteran Mike Faist is in the role of Riff. Can’t go wrong with the immortal music of Leonard Bernstein and Stephen Sondheim but rather than simply restage Spielberg cleverly changes some settings and timing around for added pizzazz. Besides casting actual latinos, Spielberg and screenwriter Tony Kushner’s most crucial change is rewriting and beefing up a mentor role in order to bring Hollywood royalty Rita Moreno back into the fold. Moreno scored an Academy Award for her supporting work in the 1961 film and at 90 still very much has the EGOT scoring goods with a stirring rendition of “Somewhere.”
Tess Thought (22): I am not a fan of this story nor of these so incredibly preventable deaths, but boy is West Side Story a b-e-a-utiful movie. Some of those scenes are just *insert heart eye emoji*
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