Wattching Movies: 2024 Reviewed
- Watt
- Mar 1
- 42 min read
Updated: Mar 11
In 2024 theater screens across America were aglow with disparate tales of giant apes engaged in fisticuffs, apes turned into flying henchmen, apes performing intricately choreographed dance numbers through the streets of London, apes learning falconry, and Dev Patel donning an ape mask to dole out vengeance. It truly was a banner year for simian cinema. For those of you new here, I will be breaking down the full slate of 113 films from 2024 that I’ve consumed to help you dear reader know what to watch without having to monkey around with navigating the chaotic array of choices presented on the home page of streaming services. I am joined in this endeavor as always by *Borat voice* my wife and trusty cinema consigliere Tess who contributes a concise consensus or counter argument to my ramblings. Come, peel open a banana and have a gander as we examine the year in film from chimpan-a to chimpanzee.
Below is a handy clickable table of contents that will allow you to jump to different sections if you don't feel like consuming 113 movie reviews in one sitting or if you want to skip ahead to the good stuff to help determine your next movie night selection
113-101. Just Leave The Motion Smoothing On
113. Madame Web
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 11%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Netflix
Sony really has our last true studio executives. They are not driven by the shareholder concerns of private equity ghouls nor the directives of the all seeing algorithms. There is only the highest end blow to guide them. Sometimes that gets you enjoyable animated multiverse chaos featuring a talking pig. Sometimes that gets you Dakota Johnson flatly describing amazonian spider people and a villain that speaks almost exclusively in poorly synched ADR in the most dire iteration of the abysmal Loose Associates of Spiderman Cinematic Universe. Regardless, Jon Peters smiles at the news of each release to come.
Tess Thought (Tess Ranking: 113): And on top of it all, the worst ensemble of actors I have possibly ever seen (except for you Adam Scott, you go Adam Scott.)
112. AfrAId
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 22%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Netflix
Fitting that this John Cho led film found a streaming home on Netflix because it plays like the most half assed Black Mirror episode ever made. The family members turn from loving and hating their artificial intelligence powered smart home assistant on a dime even though it's creepy and crossing personal boundaries almost immediately. Instead of traditional twists, the film concludes with a series of painfully obvious reveals and fairly random, poorly explained stupid stuff.
Tess Thought (112): My goldendoodle could’ve written and directed a better picture.
111. Upgraded
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 78%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Prime
Motion smoothing was stuck on the TV we used to view this film which is the correct vibe for this Hallmark level direct to streaming rom-com trash. Marisa Tomei does a wild Edna Mode accent as the main character’s art dealing boss for no reason. Camila Mendes has significantly better chemistry with her supposed love interest’s mom than the son whom she barely interacts with.
Tess Thought (109): Deserves 0 stars in all honesty but I will give 1 star for Tomei’s bizarre homage to The Incredibles.
110. Borderlands
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 10%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Starz
This video game adaptation was first announced in 2015, re-announced with director Eli Roth attached in 2020, rewritten before filming started in 2021, and finished filming in 2023 with some reshoots handled by uncredited director Tim Miller. It quickly gets exactly as messy as that interminable production cycle made it seem. Child performances are always tough because you never know if the kid is genuinely grating and annoying or if they’re just written and directed that way. Based on the way the filmmakers had Cate Blanchett bizarrely walk, shot all the action in indecipherable close up, and just the general existence of its entire 3rd act, I’m gonna give Ariana Greenblatt the benefit of the doubt here. Jack Black, also innocent.
Tess Thought (93): Simply does not make 1 lick of sense but my popcorn + Pibb was extra good today so I was in high spirits.
109. Jackpot!
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 31%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Prime
This “action”-comedy film about a nationwide lottery where the winner is hunted for sport, eventually finds a lazy groove but the first 40 minutes are excruciating as Awkwafina just shouts and her character refuses to learn the film’s repeatedly explained premise. The comedy appears to be improv heavy like much of director Paul Reig’s work but instead of SNL vets and Melissa McCarthy, here we have Simu Liu and Stanley from The Office. John Cena is a genuinely gifted comedic actor but between this and Ricky Stanicky (See #88), I can see why he’s doing 30+ WWE appearances this year instead of focusing on his film career.
Tess Thought (89): Awkwafina is clearly the gifted comedic actor here.
108. Imaginary
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 24%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Starz
The concept of a malevolent imaginary friend is cool. The final monster is a very impressive puppet. They cut a pretty good trailer with a Temptations song! Unfortunately the acting is terrible across the board. The messy third act has more endings than Return of the King. One of these conclusions is actually pretty good, but unfortunately it is not the last one. The script both telegraphs a lot of its twist and doesn't even seem to stick by its own dopey logic.
Tess Thought (105): The only thing worse than a scary movie is a scary movie that’s not scary.
107. Bob Marley: One Love
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 43%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Prime and Paramount+
The Marley family and estate being heavily involved in this biopic that focuses on the tumultuous period around the recording and release of the classic album Exodus explains how the filmmakers secured the rights to 45 seconds clips of about 30 iconic songs for Kingsley Ben-Adir to lip sync along with. Unfortunately it also explains why there is no real multifaceted look at the man. Instead a complex and intriguing cultural figure is transformed into a generic peace symbol.
Tess Thought (108): Silly me, I thought I might learn a little something about Bob Marley watching this. Evidently that was too much to ask.
106. The Watchers
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 32%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Netflix and Max
This directorial debut from M. Night Shyamalan’s daughter Ishana shares a lot of DNA with her father’s projects. There are a lot of well staged shots, a frequent use of mirrors, and some mysterious intrigue in her self penned script about a house in the middle of a sprawling forest lost travelers find themselves trapped in for months on end. Unfortunately any and all goodwill created by her technical craft is undone by a series of third act reveals that escalate from “that’s kinda dumb but sure I guess” to full on eyeroll as the nature of what has occurred is somehow both over explained and entirely nonsensical.
Tess Thought (85): I was really invested for maybe the first 45 minutes, but then there was a whole additional hour.
105. It Ends With Us
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 55%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Netflix
A noble endeavor tackling a complex topic like domestic violence but it’s handled with all the tact and nuance of an after school special. Not surprisingly this subject matter is a titch out of grasp for filmmakers who have characters perform karaoke to a Fatboy Slim song whose lyrics are just a repeated hook. Adapting a popular romance book, the story undercuts its own empowerment messaging with a knight in shining armor secondary love interest that's more than a little manipulative in their own right. The film version also features a grating “meet cute” scene with out of place dialogue that could not more blatantly have been punched up by star Blake Lively’s husband Ryan Reynolds than if Deadpool himself appeared to cheer on the would-be couple. Supporting players Jenny Slate and Hasan Minhaj should get to be a couple in a cheerier movie.
Tess Thought (75): I think everyone who is a part of this movie agrees, especially now, that they just probably shouldn’t have made it.
104. Red One
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 30%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Prime
From Dwayne Johnson’s ongoing quest for unfathomably expensive films with long shelf life that fulfill multiple market verticals comes a holiday action-comedy about a kidnapped Santa whose script features light cursing and snark substituted for any sort of worthwhile jokes. Did they blow the entire $200 million+ budget on making Krampus and his gang look cool as shit? The entire rest of the movie looks like it was shot on location in front of a local news station’s weather map. I watched Wrestlemania last year. I know the Rock’s legs no longer work no matter how many sprints and jumps they make his digital avatar perform.
Tess Thought (91): One of the most disappointing of the year. I wanted to like it, but there wasn’t anything to like.
103. Nightbitch
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 59%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Hulu
I really enjoyed Marielle Heller’s last two directorial efforts Can You Ever Forgive Me? and A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood. Heller works from her own screenplay this time and the results are a little messy. This could have been weirder and really leaned into its more absurdist elements but as is the magical realism of Amy Adams possibly transforming into a dog at night is just kind of odd window dressing. I’m not a screenwriter but there has to be a better way to adapt a novel than just dumping in monologues and voice over. This is however the 2nd movie of the year to make excellent use of Scoot McNairy’s resting weenie husband face (See #47).
Tess Thought (106): She started every day by frying up tasty looking hash browns in butter and I appreciate that.
102. Night Swim
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 20%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Prime
Writer/director Bryce Mcguire expands his 10 year old short film about a spooky pool to significantly diminishing results. The film absolutely collapses once the bizarre logic of the cursed pool is explained and then even more confusingly, not really adhered to. Here, I’ll save you 98 minutes. This is Wyatt Russell’s entire arc using the obviously evil swimming pool:
Tess Thought (104): My Marco Polo playing days are over.
101. Argylle
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 33%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Apple TV+
I don’t know how a film’s plot can be built almost entirely out of twists but manage to still telegraph all of them. Matthew Vaughn’s directorial style has never really done it for me outside of Kickass and some Magneto related action in X-Men: First Class. He seems mostly focused on getting the right needle drops in his sequences while the action itself is quite cartoony with abundant slo-mo, rapid cuts and an ever present digital sheen. Things are really slow moving between these lackluster set pieces in his latest spy adjacent outing. There are multiple cuts back to Samuel L. Jackson just clapping in a chair watching a Lakers game.
Tess Thought (61): My absolute dream celeb parents: Moira Rose & Hal
100-91: The Fletcher Memorial Home for Incurable Tyrants and Kings
100. The Garfield Movie
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 37%
Where to Watch: Netflix
Not my Garfield. Movie star era Chris Pratt is the type of guy that performatively wakes up at 4:30am to start his week, carefully monitors his carb intake, and attacks life with an unbounded positivity. He is the very antithesis of all that Garfield stands for. I’m sure this is pleasant enough for not particularly discerning children with its handful of serviceable gags but a Mission Impossible style caper with a heretofore unmentioned deadbeat father is not what America’s favorite sourpuss was made to do. It also has to feature the most product placement I’ve ever seen in an animated movie.
Tess Thought (76): The Otto/Ethel love story got me.
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 58%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Disney+ Sooner or Later
I am curious how much interest in this big budget Disney project was genuine for acclaimed director Barry Jenkins (Moonlight, If Beale Street Could Talk) because the overall story arc is somewhat intriguing and it lets him try his hand at kinetic action. Sadly the framing device that shoe horns in the first film’s big name stars is an unmitigated disaster and the forgettable new songs are nearly as dire. There is simply far too much superfluous prequelizing rather than focusing on the task at hand. We meet several major players from the original film and even a stick and a rock formation are given origin stories. In the parlance of Krusty the Clown, perhaps the screenplay moved Jenkins, TO A BIGGER HOUSE.
Tess Thought (99): I can’t keep all these dang lions straight.
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 16%
Where to Watch: Available for Rental
The final entry in the Sony’s Spider-manless Spiderverse does not reach the bonkers nonsense of Madame Web, instead landing in the more forgettable realm of disjointed and occasionally very shoddy looking. This makes sense coming from JC Chandor who made the perfectly cromulent but unmemorable 3/5 fair Triple Frontier and A Most Violent Year. I would really love to get a deep dive on how an abandoned straight forward “Kraven’s Last Hunt” adaptation spiraled into a haphazard table setting movie featuring no less than 4 additional C and D tier Spider-man villains but not so much as a cameo from the webhead. Kraven doesn’t even get his signature look, until the very final scene. In another puzzling move, rather than cutting adult material to reach a more lucrative box office sector as most studios do with action fare, this conversely seems to have been a clearly PG-13 targeted production made R by inelegantly inserting superfluous gore and F-bombs.
Tess Thought (90): If given a good screenplay I think Aaron Taylor-Johnson could’ve made a great Kraven, but alas they decided to go in a different direction.
97. Emilia Perez
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 72%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Netflix
A musical about a ruthless Mexican cartel leader undergoing a sex change operation and turning over a new philanthropic leaf is quite the swing. It certainly goes for it, speedrunning an especially bonkers telenovela but oddly plays much of it fairly straight and dour. The whole misguided endeavor seems like something the South Park guys could have made but their version would have catchier tunes and honestly only be in slightly worse taste than the Mrs. Doubtfire rabbit holes this version pursues. Despite two best original song nominations I assure you there is not a single bop to be had. Selena Gomez’s dismal supporting performance made me genuinely wonder if the French production team had just assumed based on her name that she spoke fluent Spanish.
Tess Thought (97): Waaay too much going on and didn’t really care for any of it.
96. Despicable Me 4
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 56%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Peacock
Tess and I did a full run through of all 5 prior Despicable Me and Minions franchise entries in preparation for our screening and despite some charms, honestly all of them are varying levels of mediocre. This is the worst of the bunch. However, I must make clear that the minions I would not take a bullet for are few and far between. The Emperor’s New Groove helmer Mark Dindal working from a script co-writen by Mike White (The White Lotus, Nacho Libre) had my hopes high but there are simply way too many plots threads and not nearly enough mayhem and gags with the banana loving gibberish speaking boys for my tastes. There is however an extended Culture Club bit that not a child in the audience understood but had me in stitches.
Tess Thought (77): They’ve officially run out of ideas for bad guys.
95. Mean Girls
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 69%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Prime and Paramount+
I was fairly late to the now somehow 20 year old original so the money lines were already culturally ubiquitous so it didn’t really land as strongly for me as others. Having those same exact lines repeated verbatim with very mediocre tunes surrounding them was even less effective. Punch up the songs. You have a member of Tony! Toni! Toné! Tonee? on staff.
Tess Thought (96): Went in knowing Cady couldn’t sing but no one warned me she couldn’t act either.
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 66%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Netflix
Writer/director Jeymes Samuel tries to do for biblical epics what he did for westerns in The Harder They Fall and mostly succeeds in his stylized homage but with the fatal shortcoming that westerns have shootouts and bible movies are generally long and boring. There are some entertaining bits like a gladiator battle and chariot race alongside some solid political commentary utilizing Roman Centurion as stand ins for modern day police officers, but ultimately there are a few too many subplots that don’t really go anywhere.
Tess Thought (102): For the first 20 minutes or so I thought omg yes I am going to love this movie, and I just should’ve left the theater at that point because for the remaining 109 terrible minutes I was fighting sleep so hard it hurt.
93. Here
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 37%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Netflix
The Forrest Gump team (director Robert Zemeckis, screenwriter Eric Roth and stars Tom Hanks & Robin Wright) reunite to mostly squander an interesting formal experiment where the camera stays locked in a single stationary position. Based on an acclaimed comic and its later expanded graphic novel version, Here tells the story of a living room’s location over a million years but mostly 4-5 specific eras. I was deeply bothered by the fact the story is “nonlinear” but still told each one of the stories in its different time periods linearly. Start a segment with a funeral. End in the middle of that family’s time in the home. Get crazy with it. Anything to juice this up beyond another “boy being a middle class boomer sure was crazy” wank from this crew. As is often the case, the de-aging technology that lets Hanks and Wright play their characters from 18 to elderly looks like shit. People don’t sound or move like when they were young and it is never accounted for in this gimmick.
Tess Thought (100): I was prepared to cry over cherished family members in a beloved home, but these dumb characters didn’t even like their dumb house.
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 51%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Max and Netflix
The Chapter 1 in the title is no joke. This is very much 1/4 of a story. Well actually 1/4 of 4+ stories where only a couple of which seem like they are going to be interesting. The most compelling aspect is a Flags of Our Fathers/Letters From Iwo Jima approach to Manifest Destiny induced skirmishes with the perspectives of both western settlers and a tribe of Apache given. The knockoff True Grit segment Costner places himself in? I didn’t really give a shit. It is ballsy of Costner to not even show up for almost an hour or runtime and wilder still to introduce Luke Wilson and his separate storyline nearly an hour after that. There are a couple exciting raid scenes that bookend this chapter, which technically concludes with an extended sizzle reel for the simultaneously filmed Part 2 which was also supposed to release to 2024 but has been bumped to a nebulous 2025 date. Based on both critical and financial reception to this initial entry, I highly doubt we’re ever actually getting the planned 4 parts. I will be pissed now if this epic western’s fate as a financial boondoggle kills John Hillcoat’s Blood Meridian adaptation.
Tess Thought (107): Cue Emily Blunt: “How far would you go for the one that you love?” (Spend my day off suffering through all 182 minutes of this surrounded by elderly women who talk the whole time apparently.)
91. Megalopolis
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 45%
Where to Watch: Nowhere. Not even rental or physical purchase. Appears to have been vaulted off for tax loss purposes
Over his long life legendary filmmaker Francis Ford Coppola has clearly built up a lot of thoughts about the nature of humanity and viability of civilization but he is so overwhelmed with his need to express it all in one go it becomes utterly indecipherable. Megalopolis is the incoherent ramblings of a decrypted once great mind still capable of firing off profound philosophical quotations and conjuring arresting images who is so consumed with creation he never seems to consider to what end. I begrudge him not for who is to say if they were an 85 year old millionaire with no studio oversight they too wouldn’t demand a triple split screen climax, chariot races, a brief music video, and Jon Voight blabbering about his prodigious boner. Adam Driver is definitely a theater kid because he just rolls with the lunacy with an odd sincerity. Others actors get silly like Shia LaBeouf playing essentially an even more ghoulish Corey Feldman and Aubrey Plaza portraying an over the top femme fatale named Wow Platinum.
Tess Thought (95): I didn’t even fall asleep one time! So many close calls, but I persevered.
90-81. Defying Brevity
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 52%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Prime
Working from a Diablo Cody (Juno, Jennifer’s Body) script, Zelda Williams makes an enjoyably kooky but uneven directorial debut with this Frankenstein by way of Heathers curiosity. The film features the era requisite bangers like tunes from The Jesus and Mary Chain, The Pixies, and “The Promise” and Kathryn Newton is solid in the quasi-Winona Ryder role in its surreal version of the 80s. Cole Sprouse is not an especially gifted actor even when he can use his voice so his revived corpse leaves a bit to be desired. Maybe Vincent D'Onofrio’s Men In Black performance just set impossibly high standards in my mind for physicality.
Tess Thought (84): Made me appreciate Emma Stone’s physicality in Poor Things even more. Cole Sprouse must’ve missed that one.
89. Spaceman
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 50%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Netflix
No offense to Billy Madison and Happy Gilmore but the funniest thing Adam Sandler has done is evolve his career to the point where he is comfortably playing a depressed Czech astronaut in a slow philosophical sci-fi picture where his failing marriage to Carey Mulligan is psychoanalyzed by a giant transdimensional spider voiced by Paul Dano all the while still producing movies where David Spade is accidentally dating a lady who farts sometimes.
Tess Thought (103): If I never see another movie about space it will be too soon.
88. Ricky Stanicky
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 47%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Prime
Watching this was maybe the most infuriated I have been by the whole Coyote vs Acme situation. Working from a six man script with story points and some jokes that are absolutely dire, John Cena is operating at such an insanely high level this skirts by as a serviceable raunchy bro comedy through the sheer power of his charm and commitment to the bit. He nails every single one of his character’s parody songs about masturbating and displays some incredible feats of physical comedy. You’re telling me there is a fully completed film where he plays a sleazy high price lawyer for the Acme corporation written by the screenwriter of May, December just sitting in a sealed tax write off vault on the Warner Bros. lot? Where are the Animaniacs when you need them?
Tess Thought (88): Lying makes my tummy hurt and that’s all they do in this movie.
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 40%
Where to Watch: Available for Rental
Venom really is the flag-bearer for X-treme comic book characters of the 90’s and he gets a fittingly radical trilogy caper full of staples from the era: motorcycle tricks, goo and slime of various colors, gratuitous swearing, Wu Tang songs, and surprisingly graphic blood spattering deaths that push the PG-13 bounds. The film even throws back to the comic book films of the 90’s by being an endearingly nonsensical piece of crap playing fast and loose with lore it is only vaguely familiar with. If this really is the end of the road, I’m gonna miss that gnarly dude and his bromance with sweaty Tom Hardy.
Tess Thought (72): Not good but fun.
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 54%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Max and Netflix
A giant ape who rides on the back of a radioactive dinosaur throws a skyscraper at another giant ape. I’ll keep paying to see that spectacle no matter how lame the human exposition devices are. Rebecca Hall, Brian Tyree Henry and the magic deaf girl all return from the previous Godzilla vs Kong but are joined this time by a very game Dan Stevens who reunites with his The Guest director Adam Wingard to play a loony veterinarian specializing in giant monsters. The most flushed out character arc is thankfully given to reluctant sidekick Baby Kong. What really matters is there are lots of giant monsters beyond the aforementioned apes and the Academy Award winning lizard that are always down to scrap.
Tess Thought (94): Kong is a big softy.
85. Self Reliance
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 73%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Hulu
A dark comedy where a man is in a Most Dangerous Game situation where the one loophole for his survival is he must be in close proximity to another person. There is probably some larger metaphor stuff at play that doesn’t add up to a whole lot but much like the overall persona of first time writer/director and star Jake Johnson, the film is a bit sloppy but nevertheless an enjoyable goof. 7’4 former NBA specimen Boban Marjanović plays a would be assassin and the late great Biff Whiff shines in the meatiest supporting role of his film career.
Tess Thought (81): I really wanted to love this. 😞
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 49%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Hulu
A common metaphor for the transportive power of music turns literal when a young woman (Lucy Boynton) is pulled back in time every time she hears a song connected to her late boyfriend (upcoming Superman David Corenswet). Further complications arise when she starts to fall for a handsome man at her grief group. It’s a decent gimmick that plays like an Eternal Sunshine for the Spotless Mind even more directly targeted at the Coachella set. Justin H. Min is very charming as the handsome new man and that helps paper over a thin romance with some tin eared dialogue.
Tess Thought (65): Cute! Even though the time travel logic is murky at best.
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 65%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Apple TV+
This heavily fictionalized account of the marketing campaign behind the first moon landing is agreeable family movie night fare that just needed to decide what it is a bit more. A space age rom-com set at NASA. A con job caper. An underdog story of the Apollo missions. Elements of all 3 stories work but the mix gets a bit bloated and they don’t even all coalesce into one climax. Crossing the two hour mark for this kind of movie is irresponsible but I guess when Apple cuts the big checks you spend it all. I’m just thankful they spent some on Ray Romano who has quietly been carving out a reliable character actor career now 2 decades removed from sitcom stardom.
Tess Thought (69): Cole Davis addressing the fellas in mission control is reminiscent of Duke Orsino’s pregame huddle pep talks, and that is truly a gift to us all.
82. Wicked
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 88%
Where to Watch: Available for Rental
This was not for me and I actually quite enjoyed Jon M. Chu’s previous big screen musical adaptation In The Heights. “Defying Gravity” is the only certified bop on the soundtrack and they butcher its momentum in the edit. You know what is a great musical? Talking Heads lead singer David Byrne’s 1986 directorial effort, True Stories. That one has young John Goodman dancing in it. The songs are all gold and it’s one fully told 90 minute story instead of 2 hrs and 40 minutes of half a movie. Warner Bros. recently put the whole thing on Youtube for free.
Tess Thought (45): I would love for someone to explain to me a little bit what the fuss is all about. This is a fine adaptation but certainly doesn’t belong anywhere in the Best Picture conversation. Nevertheless, I do hope this film helps people understand that “I could care less” is almost always used incorrectly.
81. The Instigators
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 40%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Apple TV+
Motormouth alcoholic ex-con (Casey Affleck) and a suicidal veteran (Matt Damon) team up for a heist gone wrong. Hijinx ensues with a very overqualified cast featuring Michael Stuhlberg, Alfred Molina, Paul Walter Hauser, Hong Chau, and Ving Rhames in support. The whole operation is pretty dumb and the plot moves along largely on coincidences but director Doug Liman can stage a decent car chase and the chemistry of its leads provide enough zippy back and forths to pass the time.
Tess Thought (87): Damon needs to stay away from those Afflecks.
80-71: I’d At Least Mildly Recommend Everything Starting From Here
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 46%
Where to Watch: Available for Rental
A top hitman (Dave Bautista) takes a contract out on himself after being diagnosed with a neurodegenerative disease only to find out later he was misdiagnosed. This is very enjoyable once it drops all pretenses of its subdued and doomed romance focused first act to become a goofy low rent Smokin’ Aces. Scott Adkins steals the show doing impressive martial arts in a silly Scottish accent. His leaping spin kicks remain the greatest effect going in action movies. The copious obviously digital blood spatter also seen here remains the worst. Ex-stuntman, and director of Day Shift J.J Perry throws in some stylistic flourishes just for flourish sake like split screens and some snazzy name cards for the various assassins. I am sad to report Bautista has no glasses in this.
Tess Thought (67): Dave Bautista, a romantic lead <3
79. MaXXXine
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 72%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Max
This is the weakest of the overall solid Ti West directed Mia Goth starring X trilogy thanks in large part to a very wonky third act. The film plays around with the satanic panic and serial killers of the 80’s setting. It scores some genre points with cool de Palma nodding split screens but it lacks much of the fun scuzziness of the 80’s era thriller trash that on paper it seems to want to emulate. The closest it gets in that intended homage are some sudden moments of gnarly extreme gore. Goth’s lead performance isn’t nearly as compelling as her unhinged turn in Pearl but Kevin Bacon does have an absolute blast playing a sleazy New Orleans P.I.
Tess Thought (74): This trilogy is well made, but I’m so glad it’s over.
78. Moana 2
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 61%
Where to Watch: Available for Rental but should be on Disney+ Shortly
The animation remains beautiful but the songs are worse (not a single Bowie inspired glam jam), the stakes are lower, and the story is a bit of a retread. It is very hard to ignore its origin as an intended Disney+ series follow up particularly in its Maui light first half and with its addition of a supporting crew of one note sidekicks. The little coconut guys still rule though.
Tess Thought (59): I can confidently say that I have had my fill of the Rock. Until Jumanji 3 in December 2026 of course.
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 42%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Netflix
I enjoyed the initial installment of this Ghostbusters reboot series Afterlife quite a bit, ranking it 25th on my 2021 rankings. I thought this Gil Kenan (Monster House) helmed sequel was certainly not as good but more or less fine. It is overstuffed with plot and characters as it tries to expand the world while still delivering old characters and winks and nods to the classics. It has to be annoying to everyone involved in these that Bill Murray shows up for a couple days on set and nails the exact tone and humor the material deserves while a dozen other Ghostbusters try to make their mark with varying levels of success. Dan Aykroyd is a genuine loon that absolutely believes the pseudo-science mumbo jumbo his character spews so you really need that sarcastic could not give less of a shit guy on the team. Slimer returns to the big screen and remains a consummate pro.
Tess Thought (62): If Paul Rudd’s having fun I’m having fun.
76. Drive-Away Dolls
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 63%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Prime
At times this goofy caper genuinely looks and feels like one of those vanity first time director movies stars sometimes make (see Charlie Day’s Fool’s Paradise) what with its slight script (84 minute run time), bizarre transitions, and A list cameos, except that debut is being made by Academy Award winning co-director Ethan Coen of the acclaimed Coen Brothers. Did only Joel learn all the camera stuff? That aside, the script co-written by Coen’s wife and longtime editor Tricia Cook has amusing bits, the plot is driven by a truly unique macguffin, and Margaret Qualley going full Raising Arizona with her accent worked for me.
Tess Thought (98): The worst transitions of any movie ever made.
75. Transformers One
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 89%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Paramount+
This more comedically focused animated Transformers prequel takes awhile to get rolling and I really don't care in the slightest about the confusing lore of the planet “Cybertron” and “Primes” but there are lots of robots punching each other and shooting lasers in the back half. One of the robots is even voiced by America’s Sweetheart Steve Buscemi. It gets an extra bump in the ranking for an appearance of Soundwave, who features a built-in tape deck and is thus the coolest of all Transformers.
Tess Thought (44): Can’t wait to discuss with my nephews.
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 31%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Max
It’s a bar so low an ant couldn't limbo under it, but this is easily the best sequel director Todd Phillips has ever made (Did you remember there are 3 Hangover movies?). I liked it more or less the same as the first Joker. It’s a messy dour experience with no real message that rests entirely on the strength of showy lead performances so there is a bit of diminishing returns since you’ve seen it before. I enjoyed the addition of musical numbers and Joaquin’s lawyer voice was the best comedic bit in either film about an alleged clown. $200 million budget, how? There is a singular explosion in the entire 138 min runtime. Are good camera lenses and prison interior sets that expensive?
Tess Thought (86): Felt like it was 6 hours long and not for one second of those 6 hours did the music feel like it belonged.
73. Babygirl
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 76%
Where to Watch: Available for Rental
I kept thinking this tale of a powerful executive starting a submission kink driven affair with an intern was gonna tip over into pulpy erotic thriller territory but writer/director Halina Reijn plays it a bit straighter. The trailer gives you more or less the full experience. Much like Reijn’s previous directorial effort Bodies, Bodies, Bodies, it is lit, shot, and edited together very well to produce some striking images. Ultimately it didn't have a lot to say and kinda hits you over the head with what little it does at the end. Nicole Kidman does give a very strong lead performance displaying the frustration and unease with the internal incongruity that comes from being a controlling woman that desires to be controlled. Frankly, I do not buy Antonio Banderas one bit as a sexually inadequate husband. That’s Zorro damnit.
Tess Thought (31): I’m not ready to commit just yet, but I think I might love this director.
72. Trap
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 57%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Max
M. Night Shyamalan has found a nice pocket as a dopey Hitchcock aper. He’s like a discount Brian De Palma minus the sleaze. His latest “thriller” where an arena concert is used as a sting operation to capture a notorious serial killer is pure goofy dumb entertainment. Shyamalan continues to shoot the shit out of things, busting out a cool split diopter shot and things of that nature. Josh Hartnett is at the top of his game nailing both the deranged killer and doting father taking his daughter to a pop concert facets of the lead role. M. Night gives his own daughter Saleka a beefy supporting role and multiple song performances as fictional pop star Lady Raven. Her performance certainly earns M. Night kudos as a loving father as well. If you enjoy this film, I would encourage you to hop on Prime or Roku and check out Grand Piano. Now that’s a great killer at a concert movie. Damien Chazelle (Whiplash, La La Land) wrote it!
Tess Thought (83): The worst nepo hire I’ve seen in a minute.
71. Snack Shack
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 82%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Prime
I really wish it had kept the manic adolescent California Split energy of the first half that I loved with these charming shitass teen schemers scrambling to stay one step ahead of consequences. Gabriel Labelle absolutely has the juice and the film suffers greatly whenever he is pushed off screen for some contrived coming of age junk. This is felt most severely during a really wonky angsty tone shift in the third act. High school movies alway fudge ages but it’s a bit egregious when the characters are scripted as 14 year olds, act like 17-18 year olds, and are played by 20 somethings.
Tess Thought (66): ^RT
70-61: Is It Wrong To Be Strong?
70. Y2K
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 43%
Where to Watch: Available for Rental
I have long appreciated comedian Kyle Mooney from back in his Good Neighbor days on Youtube so I was quite excited for his directorial debut. He has a unique comedic voice coming from a deep understanding and appreciation of very specific kinds of burnouts and weirdos that came out of the turn of the century. Like his screenwriting effort Brigsby Bear before it, the film is uneven as it struggles to balance emotion with his gonzo riffs. I don't know that feature films are the best avenue for his gifts, but I am glad that he was afforded the opportunity and budget to bring his dial up cyberapocalyptic vision and kickass d.i.y killer robots to life. Hopefully he can keep rollin', rollin', rollin', rollin' with new projects well into this Willenium.
Tess Thought (101): Mean kids, blood, apocalypse, Rachel Zegler. All of the things I don’t want a movie to contain.
69. Abigail
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 83%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Prime
The trailer gives away the big twist of this ransom kidnapping gone wrong but there’s still some fun to be had in this very gooey horror comedy from the Scream 5 & 6 directing team Matt Bettinelli-Olpen and Tyler Gillett. The ending kind of runs out of momentum but there are some good demises prior to that. Following her work in the Scream series, Melissa Barrera certifies herself as a rock solid scream queen taking an absolute beating over the course of the film.
Tess Thought (82): I LOVE a group of strangers being stuck in a big, scary house using fake names, but the vampire stuff got to be a bit much with very little payoff.
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 68%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Starz
Guy Ritchie got to make his own discount Inglourious Basterds. We are long past the heyday of Arnold and the size of action heroes has diminished significantly giving way to sprier svelte stars but Alan Ritchson is the largest any man has ever looked in this movie and it is absolutely delightful. He kills so many nazis.
Tess Thought (60): Everything outside of Alan Ritchson with a bow and arrow was..boring and anticlimactic. But Alan with the bow though.
67. Kung Fu Panda 4
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 71%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Netflix
The Kung Fu Panda series is one of the more reliable long running animated franchises. If you liked the first 3 this is more of the same. Po’s 2 dads (Bryan Cranston and 96 year old legend James Hong) get an amusing side quest. Viola Davis is a solid villain with cool shapeshifting powers. I was fully locked in for the eastern tinged “Crazy Train” instrumental cover as Po scampers around town.The only notable downgrade is instead of Po’s usual Furious Five sidekicks, best they could do for this outing was Awkwafina as a thief fox. Jack Black does get to sing Brittney Spears over the end credits.
Tess Thought (78): Less humor, less heart, and a heck of a lot less Furious 5 than its predecessors.
66. Piece by Piece
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 83%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Peacock
Academy Award winning documentarian Morgan Neville tells the life story of Pharrell Williams through The Lego Movie style animation. It’s an intriguing form experiment that enlivens an otherwise run of the mill self-aggrandizing music documentary. The film steps on a sharp colored brick in the back half trying to come up with a conflict while sidestepping the untouched upon and apparently still ongoing feud with fellow Neptunes member Chad Hugo. I too would have an ego that couldn't fit under even a comically large hat if I produced some of the greatest songs of the last 30 years but it is malpractice to not really examine the fallout that causes. Grindin’ genuinely is the greatest beat ever made though so I’ll let it slide a little.
Tess Thought (92): I would be curious to see how boring this would have been if they hadn’t used Legos (extremely).
65. Will & Harper
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 99%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Netflix
This is a lovely road trip documentary about friendship and acceptance of both others and yourself. Will Ferrell seems to be one of those people who is always on, putting on silly get ups and performing bits. Rather than undercutting his sincerity he uses his attention drawing antics as a diversion or shield to help ease his beloved friend and former SNL head writer Harper Steele back into the wider world in her new life as a trans woman. Farrell seems like a good template for an ally. He is someone that may not fully understand and may make some mistakes along the way but beyond a shadow of a doubt wants to do better and genuinely supports and cares for Harper’s well being.
Tess Thought (64): I would like Kristin Wiig to write the theme song for my life too.
64. September 5
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 93%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Paramount+
A well acted and well made if unremarkable chamber piece about ABC Sports’s live coverage of the terrorist attack at the 1972 Munich Olympics. Using extensive archival footage and set almost exclusively behind the switch boards of the team’s broadcast studio outside Olympic Village, the film raises some compelling questions about the ethics of live reporting during ongoing crises. The highlight for me however was all the analog technology of the control room. Never more have I wanted to pop into a Radio Shack to buy some knobs, switches, and reels.
Tess Thought (50): Soooo many close-up shots makes me claustrophobic.
63. Saturday Night
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 78%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Netflix
Jason Reitman follows up his Ghostbusters reboot with a return to the comedy nostalgia trough via a very loose dramatization of the night of the Saturday Night Live premiere. Reitman and co-screenwriter Gil Kenan play fast and loose with history including fudging the numbers to introduce iconic sketches yet to come. They also try moderately successfully to build tension with a ticking clock real time conceit and amped up behind the scenes drama. The sprawling cast, led by Gabriel LaBelle as young Lorne Michaels, in true SNL fashion is kind of hit or miss. Cory Michael Smith is great as a self absorbed Chevy Chase. Matthew Rhys’s George Carlin is pretty good. Nicholas Braun’s Jim Henson is bad but his Andy Kaufman is a little better. The best arc is given over to Lamorne Morris as the typecast and underutilized original cast member Garrett Morris.
Tess Thought (71): Not quite as fun, interesting, or exciting as I’d hoped.
62. Road House
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 60%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Prime
This remake of the Patrick Swayze cult classic ditches the zen warrior schtick of the original’s lead and instead makes Jake Gyllenhaal’s take on bouncer Dalton a recovering rageaholic and boy oh boy is he dishing out rageahol. This loses a lot of momentum anytime they aren't bar brawling but there is a helluva lot of fisticuffs. Conor Mcgregor is delightful as an absolute maniac that is only a slight caricature of his actual persona. This version doesn’t produce anything as iconic as the idiot savant brilliance of the original and its lines like “pain dont hurt” but the action is entertaining. Director Doug Liman, cinematographer Henry Braham, and stunt choreographer Garrett Warren create a truly unique style of fight scene that I wish Jeff Bezos had allowed us all to experience on the big screen.
Tess Thought (56): We’ve seen a handful of horror movies this year, but it’s going to be Conor Mcgregor who shows up in my nightmares.
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 91%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Netflix
Anna Kendrick makes an ambitious directorial debut with a thriller based on the true story of serial killer Rodney Alcala who in the midst of a years long murder spree appeared on an episode of The Dating Game. The film is structured with 3 storylines it jumps between: Following the killer’s activity across a decade of horrific crimes against women, dramatizing his appearance on the show, and the fruitless efforts of a former witness to get him captured. Somewhat surprisingly Kendrick actually handles the Fincher style true crime segments best aided by a very creepy lead turn from Daniel Zovatto. There’s a harrowing throughline of all three segments of women having to placate and go along with things to avoid the unspoken threat of violence from men at every turn.
Tess Thought (53): Sure ruins The Dating Game for everybody.
60-51: The Monkey Did Cocaine
60. Better Man
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 88%
Where to Watch: Available for Rental
I do not believe I had ever heard a Robbie Williams song before in my life. What I gather is he’s essentially the less talented Justin Timberlake of England. He seems absolutely intolerable. He’s an emotionally stunted drug addict with daddy issues and a love hate relationship with his allegedly immense fame. It’s all pretty standard biopic fare but with the bonkers game changing twist of utilizing a CGI monkey voiced by Williams himself as its protagonist. Rocketman sure could have used more chimp on chimp violence like the climactic battle royale between Williams and the various manifestations of his own self loathing. The Greatest Showman director Michael Gracey stages some lively song and dance numbers but it’s really worth seeing just for the various 90’s hairstyles and track suits they place on the ape.
Tess Thought (57): I know him being a monkey was the whole thing, but I really hated the monkey. I would’ve really liked a regular human fella.
59. Carry-On
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 87%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Netflix
Director of 4 respectable mid-budget Liam Neeson thrillers Jaume Collet-Serra gets back on the horse after The Rock roped him into blockbuster boondoggle Black Adam. Honestly this is right up there with Die Hard 2 in terms of terrorist attack action thrillers set at the airport on Christmas Eve. It is the exact type of well crafted disposable B action movie Netflix should be focused on producing instead of spending blockbuster budgets on the worst piece of shit they can get Ryan Reynolds to half ass his way through. For someone named as aggressively British as Taron Egerton, he proves passably American. Less passable, Jason Bateman as a hand to hand combatant.
Tess Thought (55): Great by Netflix standards.
58. Origin
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 81%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Hulu
Technically this biopic of journalist/author Isabel Wilkerson released in 2023 but only in New York and LA so 2024 list placement it is. This kind of has the Steve Nash/Dwight Howard/Kobe Lakers thing going on where there are a lot of intriguing parts that don't quite mesh into a successful unit. I would have loved more of the narrative angle of a grieving woman continuing on with a career defining work especially with Jon Bernthal lighting up the screen as always. I also would have enjoyed a documentary exploring the thesis of Wilkerson’s book Caste and the stories told within. Writer/director Ava DuVernay bridging the gap between the two with extensive narration, white board presentations to, I can only presume, the home remodelers passing through Wilkerson’s house?, clean shots of full book titles, and some shaky re-enactments does a little disservice to both.
Tess Thought (63): That’s the Punisher, everybody. The man has RANGE.
57. Juror #2
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 93%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Max
This 40th directorial effort from 94 year old Clint Eastwood is a reliable old school legal thriller about the titular juror (Nicholas Hoult) who realizes he has a personal connection to the case on which he serves. A series of moral quandaries unravel from there. Eastwood still has some spark sprinkling in touches like recreations of the fateful night from varying perspectives ala Rashomon and crosscutting the speeches of the defense and prosecution. Oh you better believe we get some 12 Angry Men style arguments in the jury room.
Tess Thought (32): Reminded me of The Judge which I love.
56. The Beekeper
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 71%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Prime
While this latest Jason Statham vehicle is not pure uncut Crank it is at least a serviceable methadone version. When the kindly old lady Statham’s retired covert ops agent befriends is swindled by an online phishing scam a vengeance quest for the ages ensues featuring copious bee puns, a scenery chewing Jeremy Irons, Josh Hutcherson playing a thinly veiled caricature of Hunter Biden, and a large one legged henchman with a preposterous South African accent. Perfection. I know director David Ayer is in movie jail for his collective Suicide Squad and Bright sins but I genuinely wondered if much of this was shot on an iPhone. Large swaths look like absolute shit but my god, the nonchalance with which Statham whaps a bad guy in the face with a stapler. Magnifique.
Tess Thought (35): Jason Statham avenging grandparents and in hot pursuit of Josh Hutcherson? What more could you possibly want? Good writing? Don’t need that.
55. Suncoast
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 77%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Hulu
Between this and The Edge of Seventeen Woody Harrelson has a pretty good batting average as mentor figure in a coming of age tale. This one is a semi autobiographical story from writer/director Laura Chinn about a Florida teen with a brain cancer stricken brother in hospice care. He happens to be staying at the very same hospice care center as Terri Schiavo no less. Nico Parker gives a fantastic lead performance and Laura Linney is just as strong as her mom who much to Parker’s frustration puts all her attention on the dying son. It’s a poignant story about the messiness of the grieving process particularly when drawn out waiting for the inevitable.
Tess Thought (58): Shocked and dismayed to have felt the scenes with Woody were by far the weakest.
54. Wolfs
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 67%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Apple TV+
Writer/director Jon Watts delivers on the promise of enjoyable disposability that comes from just having two bonafide megawatt movie stars banter and exchange barbs. George Clooney and Brad Pitt play “fixers” mistakenly called to the same high powered District Attorney’s hotel room to clean up a body. The two “I only work alone” professionals must work out their differences to complete the job and sort out the whole snafu. Austin Abrams is hilarious as an in over his head drug mule along for the ride. This is certainly a step up from Clooney’s last A List bicker fest with Julia Roberts, 2022’s Ticket To Paradise, but let’s stop beating around the bush and get that Ocean’s sequel rolling.
Tess Thought (48): What I can say about literally all direct-to-streaming movies: I saw too much in the trailer and I would’ve liked it better in the theater.
53. IF
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 50%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Prime
It really is insane that at no point in pre-production of this movie largely centered around rehoming forgotten imaginary friends did anyone mention the existence of Foster’s Home For Imaginary Friends to writer/director John Krasinski. The main imaginary friend even has the same name! This whole operation is wildly emotionally manipulative right down to the Up-esque treacly score by Michael Giacchino but I’ll be damned if I am not the exact melancholic whimsy enjoying mark it works on. I suspect kids would probably be bored watching most of it. Many adults would be confused by the inconsistencies of its internal logic and annoyed by its mawkishness. Me, tearing up thinking about the emotional support blobs voiced by various Hollywood stars we all could use in our lives.
Tess Thought (80): I was looking for some Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium-type magic but just wasn’t getting it. I’m so mad this didn’t even make me cry.
52. Flow
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 97%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Max
One of the more conceptually interesting films of the year was this dialogue free, low budget animation made on free software that looks like a beautiful old video game. A giant wave wipes out the forest home of a black cat who joins a ragtag group of animals including a capybara and lemur to navigate the apocalyptic flood. Despite being voiced solely by actual animal noises, the various animals in the crew have distinct personalities and quirks. Even with these limitations writer Matiss Kaza and co-writer/director Gints Zilbalodis are able to put across a moving treatise on the collaborative nature of existence as our furry and feathered protagonists adapt to different challenges thrown their way.
Tess Thought (79): I’m not at all interested in a cat’s agenda unless that cat is Puss in Boots.
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 75%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Max
Having seen his excruciating live action Dumbo, checking out of Dark Shadows during the second full Alice Cooper song performance, and skipping most of his projects in between I thought the once visionary director Tim Burton was thoroughly washed. Returning to one of his most beloved properties 36 years later seems to have loosened the creative juice a bit. This has claymation, a hilarious black and white dubbed flashback, musical numbers, Michael Keaton at top of his game slipping back into the makeup and voice, and my dear friend Willem Dafoe clearly having the time of his life playing an undead detective. The original barely has a plot so it’s odd that this one has a few too many threads going but it’s all worth it for the big delightful finale. Grogu has been put on notice, there is a hot new baby character on the scene I’m sure the kids are clamoring for.
Tess Thought (70): Probably resonates more for those who have watched the original for years, rather than those of us who watched it for the first time two weeks before Beetlejuice Beetlejuice came out.
50-41: Strength and Honor
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 85%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Paramount+
Beyond a “Shadow” of a doubt, this would be my favorite movie when I was 10 years old. Explosive action, a gravelly voiced badass antihero with a gun and motorcycle (Keanu Reeves in weary John Wick mode voicing my favorite video character of all time), two dueling Jim Carreys mugging in fat suits and old men makeup, dance breaks, Town Hawk Pro Skater needle drops, groan inducing puns, ventriloquism, telenovela parodies, and important messages about the powers of teamwork and the futility of revenge. God the Dreamcast kicked ass. We were wrong to abandon Sega in the console wars.
Tess Thought (38): Simply delightful.
49. Heretic
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 91%
Where to Watch: Available for Rental
From the screenwriting duo that wrote A Quiet Place comes a really evil Theology 101 course with the world’s most devout “debate me” guy leading it. Hugh Grant is devilishly creepy as a man who holds two Mormon missionaries captive in his labyrinthian home as he espouses his contempt filled thoughts on organized religion. This is one of those movies that keeps upping the ante and stacking the twists in a way that no conclusion can really be satisfying but it is a very fun ride getting there. Young actresses Sophie Thatcher and Chloe East, who were both in real life former members of the Church of Later Day Saints, create lived in characters that stand toe to toe with Grant admirably.
Tess Thought (73): One of my favorite trailers of the year but the movie did not live up.
48. Blink Twice
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 75%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Prime
Actress Zoe Kravitz makes her directorial debut with a dark comedy thriller playing in the Get Out sandbox. Kravitz directs her then boyfriend, Channing Tatum in a well cast role as a playboy tech billionaire who invites a waitress (Naomi Ackie) and her friend (Alia Shawkat) to his private party island. Tatum is charming enough you almost believe he could pull off getting the women to look past all the obvious red flags. Kravitz and co-screenwriter E.T. Feigenbaum are a little heavy handed early on with the odd turns of phrase that will surely have deeper meaning later but still create a thrill filled ride getting to the big reveals. There is also a nice variety of douchebag archetypes (Simon Rex, Christian Slater, Haley Joel Osment, Ethan Hawke(‘s son)) for our heroines to enact revenge upon once the sinister shoe does drop. Saul Williams is also briefly in this. “List of Demands” is an all time hype up song.
Tess Thought (34): I was thoroughly invested and totally ignorant of any foreshadowing - the best combo.
47. Speak No Evil
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 83%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Peacock
I am very curious to see the 2022 Danish original because this seems like a horror vehicle tailor made specifically for a never more yoked James McAvoy. He is perfectly cast for a role in which he is both believably charming AND terrifying. Scoot McNairy and McKenzie Davis play a couple in turmoil who take their daughter to spend the weekend with a fun and free wheeling couple and their mute son they met at a resort. McNairy and Davis quickly end up in the poor decisions hall of fame largely driven by misplaced politeness. There is immense tension throughout as the audience waits for a line to be crossed that our protagonists won’t just brush off for fear of rocking the boat.
Tess Thought (33): James McAvoy already gives me nightmares but a JACKED James McAvoy? I may never sleep again.
46. Alien: Romulus
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 80%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Hulu
Alien and Aliens are both perfect and distinct films. Director and co-writer Fede Alvarez liberally cribs from both for a gnarly and mean spirited reboot of the franchise. There is an odd paradox at play that befalls a lot of recent legacy sequels where it works best with familiarity to the franchise but also because it snatches a lot of its best beats directly from those prior entries, it can feel redundant if you have seen the originals. I really enjoyed the great performance by David Jonsson as an android. Between this and 2023’s Rye Lane he has become a real rising star to watch. I did not enjoy dusting off the whole digitally created performance from a long dead actor thing which felt really out of place with some great practical effects work and especially unnecessarily given the role the character plays. If you must shoehorn in a legacy character, just acquire a lookalike. Doctor Sleep cast a real human man to play The Shining era Jack Nicholson and it worked fine. It can be done.
Tess Thought (47): Have to note the power of an expressive brow. Jonsson has joined the likes of Emilia Clarke and Mae Whitman for best furrower.
45. Gladiator II
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 71%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Paramount+
Ridley Scott cashes in his chips from decades of returning big studio fare on time and under budget by staging all the epic scenes he wasn’t able to pull off financially 24 years prior. Pulling from his wildest dreams we get a fight against a giant gladiator riding atop a charging rhino and full naval battles in a flooded colosseum complete with sharks. The story scaffolding built around these impressive set pieces is a lot less straightforward than the first film’s revenge driven story. Russell Crowe Paul Mescal is not, but he did get fairly yoked and sells a good brawl or two. The script really drags out the reveal of how he connects to the original cast of characters. The story also gets bogged down a bit by political machinations but this is also where you have a scheming Denzel Washington just commanding the screen with little smirks and gestures. Throw in Joseph Quinn and America’s favorite little freak Fred Hechinger playing loathsome syphilis afflicted co-emperors and the sword and spear free moments pass along amicably enough.
Tess Thought (16): Paul Mescal’s teeth are way too nice for this role, but I love and support him in everything he does.
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 78%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Disney+
The 3rd Deadpool film and first officially under the Disney/MCU banner is very creaky from a narrative standpoint (5 credited screenwriters sounds about right) and utterly indecipherable as a standalone work. It is however an entertaining irreverent love letter to an erratic and marginally enjoyed cinematic universe that came before Marvel’s wildly successful connected narratives and now erratic and marginally enjoyed post Endgame multiverse saga. Director Shawn Levy could not stage a fight scene if his life depended on it resorting to sub Snyder level slo-mo but enough of my favorite action figures were getting bashed around that I stayed locked in. It’s vintage Deadpool: Juvenile humor, excessive digital gore, obnoxious needledrops, 4th wall breaking meta commentary. This could certainly be found tiresome but the merc with the mouth has not quite worn out his welcome with me yet. In my best Deadpool parlance, I am a fan and I was serviced.
Tess Thought (30): Not my Gambit. 😡 (Editor's Note: Tess is an ardent supporter of Taylor Kitsch's Gambit from X-Men Origins: Wolverine)
43. The Apprentice
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 83%
Where to Watch: Available for Rental
Sebastian Stans does tremendous work in this biopic of Donald Trump told through the lens of Trump’s mentorship by infamous political fixer Roy Cohn. Jeremy Strong gives an equally great performance as the spray tanned shameless master of backdoor dealing. The origin oriented 70’s set first half where the failson of a slumlord is molded into a slick dealmaker is very enjoyable. The 80’s set back half is a bit heavy handed and weaker when Strong fades to the background and the story leans more into mimicry of the now recognizable “business mogul” figure rather than further insight into his composition. Both men are portrayed as monsters so there is no real sympathy to be had but there is a distinct tinge of melancholy at how hollow and unfulfilling their cruelty eventually becomes. At the end of the day it's not even that fun to be a world class prick.
Tess Thought (17): Sebastian Stan’s transformation throughout the movie from young Donny Trump into the DJT we know today might be my favorite performance of the year.
42. The Fire Inside
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 93%
Where to Watch: Streaming on MGM+
This film which tells the story of Olympic boxer Claressa Shields (played with fierce determination by Ryan Destiny) is right up there with Sugar as one of the best realities of sport films. The script by Academy Award winner Barry Jenkins, somehow threads the needle between nailing the underdog sport beats while also making clear that’s not how real life works. The typical moment of hard earned glory is not the climax of the film but rather it is a midpoint before exploring what comes next. Athletic talent and ability can help you achieve your wildest dreams but many of those dreams don’t pay the rent. This originally was set to star Ice Cube and I don’t think he would have come close to providing the emotional depth Brian Tyree Henry’s performance provides to the coaching role.
Tess Thought (24): Brian Tyree Henry flawless as always.
41. Goodrich
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 82%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Max
Michael Keaton takes a break from reprising iconic roles to remind us all how he became a star in the first place using all of his motor mouthed charms to carry a somewhat scattershot and slight family dramedy. It is his best comedic work since stealing every one of his scenes in The Other Guys. The film is written and directed by Haillie Meyers-Shyer, daughter of filmmakers Nancy Meyers and Charles. You can see that heritage in the film’s character based and family drama driven comedy. The titular art gallery owner Keaton plays is a self absorbed screw up but likeable enough that you do want to see him get his shit together. Mila Kunis plays the neglected adult daughter from first marriage who helps him out with raising precocious 9 year old twins when their mom checks into rehab. Okay sure maybe that does sound kind of like a Mr. Mom reprisal.
Tess Thought (18): Made me sob out of nowhere without even realizing I was sobbing. I LOVE when a movie does that.
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