Wattching Baseball: 2019 MLB Season Preview

Baseball is back folks and your blog boy is back to breakdown every single team in the league, even the ones I had frankly forgotten existed. For each team I will break down their best player, most fun player, mascot and let you know whether they are good or not. Lest you think I am unqualified for this task, I am pictured in the top right of this photo of an elite baseball squadron:

Let’s Do This:

Arizona Diamondbacks

Last Season: 82-80, 3rd in NL West, Missed Playoffs

Best Player: RHP Zack Greinke: Greinke signed an astronomical 6 year $206.5 million dollar contract with the D-Backs prior to the 2016 season after essentially breaking modern baseball in his final season with the Dodgers (19-3, 1.66 ERA over 222.2 innings). He struggled a bit his first year in the desert (13-7, 4.37 ERA over 158.2 innings) but has bounced back the last two years to go a respectable 32-18 with a 3.21 ERA, exceeding 200 innings both years. He doesn’t appear to be the game changing force he once was, but he is a very solid front of the rotation workhorse.

Fun Player: 3B Eduardo Escobar: The guy was a doubles machine last year finishing second in the majors with 48. He put up a career best .272/.334/.489, 23 Home Run and 84 RBI line last season. The fact that these totals are split between the Diamondbacks and Minnesota Twins may contribution some bias to this selection. This versatile fielder (Escobar has started at 3B, SS, 2B and even LF throughout his career) is a clubhouse favorite, even when he struggles to remember his teammates’ names.

Mascot: D. Baxter the Bobcat: It’s a little confusing why a team with an animal in its name picked an entirely different animal to be its mascot but I also don’t understand why anyone would want to live in the hellish heat of the Arizona desert so this checks out.

D. has white hair and hearing issues like most Arizona residents

Are they good?: Is the unforgiving Arizona sun good for your skin? This team was decent last year but not good enough to make the playoffs and that’s before they traded their best player, 1B Paul Goldschmidt to St. Louis for some spare parts this offseason. With Jake Lamb and his .247/.332/.448 career average line taking over at 1B in place of a legitimate MVP candidate, expect a step down from their hard fought mediocrity. OF David Peralta made a big leap in his power last year (.293/.352/.516 30 HR 87 RBI). He should be a nice trade chip when this team and its patchwork pitching rotation featuring 30 year old rookie RHP Merrill Kelly, brought in from the Korean league, is out of contention in July.

Atlanta Braves

Last Season: 90-72, 1st Place in NL East, Lost NLDS to Dodgers 3-1

Best Player: 1B Freddie Freeman: The smooth swinging lefty is one of the most consistent hitters in the National League smack dab in the middle of his prime at 28. He played all 162 games for the Braves last season and led the NL in hits and doubles (191, 44). You can pencil him in for .300 and 20+ home runs a year. His 2018 slash line of .309/.388/.505 with 23 home runs was good enough for a 4th place finish in NL MVP voting. Surprisingly this was actually a dip in both his one base percentage and slugging from the previous 2 seasons so he can be even better. For good measure, Freeman also snagged a Gold Glove for his defense last year.

Fun Player: LF Ronald Acuna Jr.: Signed for $100k as a 16 year old in Venezuela, Acuna broke into the majors just 4 years later absolutely raking in the leadoff spot, making some spectacular catches and snagged 2018 NL Rookie of the Year honors. At one point he led off 3 straight games with a homer, a feat that hadn’t been accomplished since 1996, in the middle of the August playoff race no less. The streak was only snapped when an opposing pitcher decided to bean him instead of having their pitch deposited in the upper deck. He finished the year with 26 home runs in 111 games and is still only 21 years old.

Mascot: Blooper, who debuted last season and appears to be an Albino Shrek. Don’t worry, they most certainly did previously have a mascot named Chief Noc-A-Homa who lived in an outfield teepee until 1986.

When the only bar your mascot designer has to clear is not being casually racist

Are they good?: Unlike the financial planning of Cobb County legislators, this team is very solid. Their lineup which was 5th in the NL in runs and 2nd in batting average in 2018 added 2015 AL MVP 3B Josh Donaldson. Donaldson is coming off an injury plagued season where he only played 52 games but if he can return to even 75% of his All-Star heyday (.275/.367/.507 33 HR 101 RBI per 162 games average for his career), this will be one of the better offenses in the league. The Braves also boast a respectable rotation led by All Star RHP Mike Foltynewicz (13-10 2.85 ERA 202 K in 183 innings) who unfortunately will start the year on the DL with elbow soreness. They will often get slick fielding from dopely named SS Dansby Swanson. The Braves will be in for a tough battle with the bulked up Phillies but should have a good chance to repeat as AL East division champs.

Baltimore Orioles

Last Season: 47-115, Last in the AL East, Had their October tee times set by May 1st

Best Player: 2B/SS Jonathan Villar: What if I told you the Orioles had a player on their roster who led the AL in home runs twice in the last 6 seasons including an absurd .286/.370/.634, 53 HR, 138 RBI season? What if I told you that player is actually named Chris Davis and he is significantly worse now than perfectly average middle infielder Jonathan Villar (.260/.325/.384, 14 HR, 35 SB in 2018)? In fact, 1B Chris Davis put up one of the worst statistical years offensively in the history of baseball last season (.168/.243/.296 with 192 strikeouts and only 79 hits). Luckily for O’s fans, Davis is also terrible defensively (career -8.8 defensive wins above replacement).

Fun Player: OF/1B Trey Mancini: Mancini went to Notre Dame and he hits dingers (24 HR each of the last two seasons). This makes him an instant lock for my favorite player on the team. Tough break for cool name having C Chance Sisco.

Mascot: The Oriole Bird: Seriously, that’s his name. They have the 2018 Chris Davis of marketing departments apparently.

A face that has seen the opening day lineup

Are they good?: Listen, they lost 115 games last year and it honestly took me at least half an hour to try and figure out names of players they had starting on their team, one of whom is historically bad. How do you think they’re going to do?

Boston Red Sox

Last Season: 108-54, 1st Place in AL East, Won World Series 4-1 over Dodgers

Best Player: RF Mookie Betts: Mookie is the reigning AL MVP after hitting a blistering .346/.438/.640 32 HR along with putting up 30 SB and a league leading 129 runs scored in 2018. The power numbers he puts up (averaging 28 HR and 48 doubles per 162 games) are astounding for someone generously listed at 5’9 180 lbs. He also won his third consecutive gold glove in 2018 and is one of the best defensive outfielders in the league. Think about this, in 2017 he had the worst statistical season in his 4.5 year career, and still finished 6th in MVP voting. If Mike Trout didn’t exist, Mookie would hands down be the best player in baseball.

Fun Player: LHP Chris Sale: While this distinction does not extend to his personality, Sale is mesmerizing to watch out on the mound. He’s 6’6, 180 lbs with long gangly limbs he whips around like Randy Johnson to touch 100 mph with his fastball. He has a slider that makes 5 time all-stars question the meaning of life. Over his two seasons with the Red Sox he has 545 strikeouts in 372 innings. You would hate to be the franchise that gave this guy up.

Mascot: Wally the green monster. Get it? Wall-y? Their giant wall in the outfield is called the green monster.

Maybe not the best idea to have a guy from Boston running around with a stick

Are they good?: Fear not long suffering Boston sports fans who haven’t won a major sports title since all the way back in February, this team is wicked good. The Sox won the 2018 World Series in convincing fashion and return nearly every key piece from that roster. The only real question mark for this team will be the bullpen which was shaky at times last season and lost All-Star closer RHP Craig Kimbrel (5-1 2.74 ERA 42 saves) and setup man RHP Joe Kelly (4-2 4.39 ERA) to free agency prior to this year. The bullpen doesn’t really matter as much when your rotation is spearheaded by aforementioned psycho Chris Sale and Cy Young winners LHP David Price (16-7 3.58 ERA 177 K in 176 innings) and RHP Rick Porcello (17-7 4.28 ERA 190 K in 191.1 innings). Barring catastrophic injuries, they should be right in the mix to repeat as champs.

Chicago Cubs

Last Season: 95-68, 2nd Place in NL Central (Lost game 163 to Brewers to split division tie), Wild Card, Lost NL Wild Card Game to the Rockies

Best Player: 3B Kris Bryant: Kris Bryant was seen as a potential savior for the franchise when he was selected #2 overall in the 2013 draft. The 27 year old has done everything and more to deliver on that promise in his 4 years in the league. He won 2015 NL Rookie of the Year, 2016 NL MVP, and most importantly delivered the team its first World Series title since Teddy Roosevelt was in office. He missed some time last year with injury but when healthy his average season stat line of .285/.315/.385 31 HR 94 RBI should keep him perennially in the MVP conversation.

Fun Player: SS/2B Javier Baez: “El Mago” is one of the most fun players to watch in the entire league. I mean, the guy makes tagging people cool. He can field both middle infield positions and third base competently and he swings at pitches like the ball owes him money. He had a monster year last year with 34 homers and a league leading 111 RBI and even managed to get more hits (176) than strikeouts (167) which is an incredible feat when you take hacks as hard as he does.

Mascot: Clark the Cub, who is a weak little boy bear and not a strong grown man bear like baseball’s greatest mascot T.C.

Pictured here with his senile grandfather Staley

Are they good?: It depends. The Cubs have as good a heart of the order as any in Bryant, Baez and 1B Anthony Rizzo. If Bryant can stay healthy and give them more than the 102 games he played last season they should be contending for the playoffs. The underperforming question marks in the rest of the lineup like RF Jason Heyward and long bomber LF Kyle Schwarber could determine how far they go. Similarly on credentials, their rotation led by LHP Jon Lester (18-6 3.32 ERA) looks very good. However, which RHP Yu Darvish shows up will greatly impact how this team performs. Will it be the 4 time all-star or the pitch tipping 4.95 ERA version briefly glimpsed for 40 innings in 2018? For a team that went 108 years without a World Series win, it would seem very optimistic to think everything will break their way and put them back in serious contention.

Chicago White Sox

Last Season: 62-100, 4th in AL Central, Missed Playoffs (By a lot)

Best Player: 1B Jose Abreu: The big guy defected from Cuba prior to the 2014 season and has done nothing but absolutely rake since (.295/.353/.516 with 146 home runs over 5 MLB seasons). He did have his worst season last year (.265/.325/.473 in only 128 games). At 32, he may be beginning to exit his prime but I would suspect those numbers may perk back up a bit with this being the last year of his current contract. El Oso quiere mucho dinero.

Fun Player: 2B Yolmer Sanchez: Prior to the 2017 season he went by Carlos Sanchez and he sucked (.208/.236/.357 in 2016) but now his name is Yolmer, which rhymes with homer, he can play solid defense at both second and third base and he led the league in triples with 10 last season.

He also wears tactical glasses like he’s going skeet shooting

Mascot: Southpaw: Some sort of dumpster dragon Frank Gallagher ran across while on a meth binge.

I’m fairly certain his fur is white and that’s just mold

Are they good?: Oh god no. This team has a lot of promising young pieces that will be joining the team soon including just called up #3 prospect in all of baseball, OF Eloy Jimenez who slashed a ridiculous .355/.399/.577 in a half season of AAA. However most of the current major league roster was hauled out of the same dumpster as Southpaw. Their nominal ace is perfectly serviceable bottom of the rotation guy LHP Carlos Rodon (6-8, 4.18 ERA in 2018) and they have something called a Yoan Moncada penciled in to hit .230 at third base.

Cincinnati Reds

Last Season: 67-95, Last in NL Central, Missed Playoffs

Best Player: 3B Eugenio Suarez: There’s been a bit of a changing of the guard in Cincinnati as it previously would have been blasphemous to give this spot to anyone other than 1B Joey Votto over the previous 10 seasons but at age 35 all indications are he has exited his prime. While Votto still led the NL in On Base Percentage, as he has 7 of the last 9 season, his power numbers dipped tremendously to 12 home runs and his .284 batting average was the lowest of any full season in his career by 15 points. Suarez on the other hand, at 27, is in the midst of his prime and just hit .283, clobbered 34 HR and knocked in 104 RBI in a career best year. He may regress a bit but even his 2017 numbers of 26 HR and 82 RBI would likely lead this team.

Fun Player: RF Yasiel Puig: Tolerance for his antics that likely got him shipped out of L.A. may vary, but there is no denying that Puig is an absolute freak athletically. At 6’2 240 lbs he’s built like Bo Jackson, and like Jackson, he has an absolute cannon. While you’re not going to get strong fundamentals or likely much consistency from Puig, what you are going to get is a ridiculous highlight or an incomprehensible blooper almost every single night.

Mascot: Mr. Redlegs: Mr. Met with a mustache

Much like Cincinnati is just Cleveland with a mustache

Are they good?: Like a big heaping bowl of cheese covered Skyline Chili, probably not, but the ingredients sound fun. The Reds acquired Puig along with OF Matt Kemp (.290/.338/.481 21 HR 85 RBI) and bonafide major league starting pitchers RHP Sonny Gray,(Career 59-52 3.66 ERA) RHP Tanner Roark (64-54 3.59 ERA) and LHP Alex Wood (52-40 3.29 ERA) to fill their rotation in trades for next to nothing this offseason because their teams didn’t want to pay them. Along with the aforementioned Suarez and Votto, SS Scooter Gennett and his .310/.357/.490 23 HR 92 RBI line return to the lineup. They also have RHP Michael Lorenzen who is trying to both pitch out of the bullpen and play outfield this season. Along with a 3.11 ERA in 81 innings pitches, in 31 trips to the plate, Lorenzen hit an impressive .290 with 4 HR in 2018. He did play both ways at Cal State Fullerton, so the double duty is not out of the question. Mr. Redlegs is twirling his mustache in intrigue.

Cleveland Indians

Last Season: 91-71, 1st Place in AL Central, Lost ALDS 3-0 to Astros

Best Player: SS Francisco Lindor: Lindor is the Platonic ideal of a shortstop. He hits for average (.288 on his career), power (38 HR last season, 33 HR in 2017), can run the bases (career high 25 steals in 2018) and plays Gold Glove defense. At only 25 years old, he should remain one of the best all-around players in the league for years to come.

Fun Player: RHP Carlos Carrasco: Carrasco is an absolutely filthy pitcher to have as the 3rd starter in their rotation (17-10 3.38 ERA, and 231 K in 192 innings for 2018) but what makes him a lock for this spot is what he does between starts. In 2017, Carrasco began using his off day dugout time to construct caricatures of his teammates out of baseballs.

Perhaps the team could enlist him to improve upon their primary logo

Mascot: Slider: A creature that was designed to be bright and grotesque enough to distract you from their finally phased out incredibly racist Chief Wahoo logo.

Nice try Slider but the nuns won’t cleanse you of your sin

Are they good?: They may have ceded their crown as most electric team in Cleveland to the Browns but like the mighty Cuyahogga River, the Indians should shine brightly this season. With Lindor and 3B Jose Ramirez (.270/.387/.552 39 HR 105 RBI and a wild 34 steals) the tribe have the best left side of an infield in the AL. Their starting rotation of 2 time Cy Young winner RHP Corey Kluber (20-7 2.89 ERA), drone enthusiast and extremely not mad RHP Trevor Bauer (12-6 2.21 ERA 221 K in 175.1 innings), Carassaco, and the kid from Dazed and Confused (13-8 3.02 ERA) is arguably the best in the league. Playing in a division with the lowly Royals, Tigers and White Sox, this team should rack up at least 90 wins once again.

Colorado Rockies

Last Season: 91-72, 2nd Place in NL West, Wild Card, Lost NLDS 3-0 to Milwaukee.

Best Player: 3B Nolan Arenado: Arenado just signed a massive 8 year $260 million contract extension and his play up until this point has earned every penny of it. He has led the NL in HR 3 of the past 4 seasons and won a Gold Glove all 6 years of his career. His career slash line .297/.374/.539 is impeccable and he is elite defensively by almost any metric (13.3 career defensive wins above replacement). He’s also durable having played at least 156 games each of the last 4 seasons. Turning 28 and still in his prime for a few more seasons, it’s tough to dream up a better player to cornerstone a franchise.

Fun Player: RHP German Marquez: His 3.77 ERA for 2018 might not catch to many eyes but his second half certainly did, as he dominated, striking out 1 out of every 3 batters he faced to post a 2.47 ERA over 113 innings. He even started one game with 8 consecutive strikeouts. Marquez’s curveball and slider are nearly unhittable and he used them to set the single season franchise record with 230 strikeouts in 196 innings pitched. For good measure, Marquez also managed to hit .300 to take home the Sliver Slugger award for pitchers.

Mascot: Dinger The Dinosaur who is actually dope and I very much enjoy. Before you whine to me about “Why do the Rockies have a dinosaur?” let me inform you that they found dinosaur fossils on site during construction of Coors Field.

Do not besmirch my beloved Rhinestone Barney

Are they good?: Their ceiling looks to be as high as the Rocky Mountains. Pairing Arenado with fellow All-Stars SS Trevor Story (.291/.348/.567 37 HR 108 RBI 27 SB in 2018) and CF Charlie Blackmon (.291/.358/.502 29 HR 70 RBI) gives the Rockies as dangerous a big three as any lineup in baseball. In Marquez and LHP Kyle Freeland (17-7 2.85 ERA in 202 innings pitched in 2018) the Rockies also have two young potential aces on their staff. If the rest of the roster including newly acquired career .299 hitter 2B Daniel Murphy make sound contributions, Colorado should challenge the Dodgers for NL West supremacy.

Detroit Tigers

Last Season: 64-98, 3rd Place in AL Central, Missed the Playoffs by as much as their 1927 logo misses the mark on what a tiger looks like

Best Player: RF Nicholas Castellanos: The Detroit Tigers have a best player in the same way that C is the best Hepatitis. Good god is this roster atrocious. 1B Miguel Cabrera, a likely Hall of Famer, is still here but after playing only 38 games last year due to a bum hamstring/torn bicep and slashing .249/.329/.399 while battling herniated disks the year before that, is a shell of his former self. And not even like a nice shell that a hermit crab would live in but more like a crushed peanut shell you might find in Comerica Park if some poor unlucky souls actually attend these games. Castellanos has pretty good offensive numbers (.298/.354/.500) but is a terrible Delmon Young-esque fielder (-2.4 Defensive Wins Above Replacement in 2018).

Fun Player: 2B Josh Harrison: Harrison’s most noteworthy baseball skill is his otherworldly ability to avoid being tagged. He should have plenty of opportunity to show this ability off with all the near certain outs he and his teammates will hit into.

Mascot: Paws, a tiger that appears to have a terrible patch of facial hair just like dirtbag Detroit legends Kid Rock and Ted Nugent.

Has definitely bought beers for his underage son he sees one weekend a month

Are they good?: As Tony the Tiger says, “THEY’RE GGGGonna lose a lot of games!” Manager Ron Gardenhire went from winning the AL Central 6 of his first 9 seasons with the Twins to losing 90+ games each of his last 5 seasons with the Twins and these clowns. That stat hurts my childhood but not as bad as growing up a Tigers fan these days must.

Kansas City Royals

Last Season: 58-104, Last in AL Central, Missed Playoffs

Best Player: 2B Whit Merrifield: Merrifield led the majors in both hits (192) and stolen bases (45) last season while playing strong defense at both second base and in the outfield. He’s a nice top of the lineup bat (.304/.367/.438 in 2018) and has shown some decent pop (19 HR in 2017). Merrifield may end up being a pretty textbook case of a fairly good player elevated to a local star by dint of his team being trash.

Fun Player: CF Billy Hamilton: Hamilton is likely the fastest player in the majors which makes him a treat to watch both in the outfield and on the basepaths. He had a down year last season with the Reds and only managed 34 steals (2nd in the NL) but prior to that had at least 56 in each of his 4 previous full seasons in the majors. Hamilton’s elite speed and range make him an above average defender and allows for frequent spectacular catches. The major damper on Hamilton’s buzz is he’s a nonentity at the plate (.245/.299/.327 career slash line) so you don’t get to see him whiz around the bases too often.

Mascot: Sluggerrr: A Lion with a horrible skull deformity. That’s not a typo either. They actually spell his name with 3 R’s.

Lions are the “king” of the jungle, hence his crown/Bart Simpson haircut

Are they good?: I spent more time researching whether the Royals played in Kansas or Missouri (it’s Missouri) than the team will spend in the playoff hunt. Following back-to-back World Series appearances in 2014 and 2015, Kansas City floated around .500 as more and more key pieces departed prior to bottoming out with 104 losses last season. Don’t look for things to improve much soon. One of the few remaining players from the Royals’ 2015 Series winning squad, All-Star C Salvador Perez, is out for the entire season following offseason Tommy John surgery.

Houston Astros:

Last Season: 103-59, 1st in AL West, Lost ALCS to Boston 4-1

Best Player: 3B Alex Bregman: Bregman had a breakout 2018 in which he put up a monster slash line (.286/.394/.532, 31 HR, 103 RBI and a league leading 51 2B). He was also remarkably efficient for someone with his power, striking out only 85 times as compared to the 96 times he walked. He turns 25 a couple days into the season and should be a staple of the heart of this lineup for many seasons to come.

Fun Player: 2B Jose Altuve: Listed perhaps generously at 5’6, Altuve is the shortest player in all of Major League Baseball, but he’s also one of its most electrifying. He had a down year after his 2017 AL MVP campaign slashing only .316/.386/.451. He led the AL in hits each year from 2014-17 and steals in both 2014-15. Don’t let his stature fool you, Jose also has some serious pop, hitting 24 home runs in both the 2016-17 seasons. He also looks adorable when photographed next to 6’7 monster Aaron Judge.

Both these men are perennial MVP candidates

Mascot: Orbit, a childlike alien with baseball shaped tumors protruding from his head.

He comes in peace because every other mascot would dog walk him and his wonder filled face

Are they good?: Like the astronauts training at nearby Johnson Space Center, this team has the right stuff. Their lineup is stacked with newly acquired All-Star LF Michael Brantley (.309/.364/.468) and returning All-Star RF George Springer (averaging 32 HR per 162 games for his career batting mostly out of the leadoff spot) joining the previously mentioned Bergman and Altuve. Lingering is 2015 AL Rookie of the Year SS Carlos Correa who had a rough 2018 (.239/.323/.405 well below his .315/.391/.550 in 2017) but has shown tremendous promise and is still only 24 despite having 4 full seasons under his belt. The rotation will likely step back a bit with RHP Charlie Morton and LHP Dallas Keuchel departing in free agency and RHP Lance McCullers out following Tommy John surgery but still has two dominate aces in RHP Justin Verlander (16-9 2.52 ERA 290 K in 214 Innings) and RHP Gerrit Cole (15-5 2.88 ERA 276 K in 200.1 Innings). If LHP Wade Miley can pitch closer to what he did for the Brewers in 2018 (5-2 2.57 ERA in 80.2 Innings) than what he did for the Orioles in 2017 (8-15 5.61 in 157.1 Innings) this team should again easily win their division and make it deep into October contention.

Los Angeles Angels

Last Season: 80-82, 4th Place in AL West, Missed Playoffs

Best Player: CF Mike Trout: You may have heard about the $430 million dollar 12 year contract extension he just signed. It would not be an outlandish assertion to say this contract actually underpays him. Mike Trout is what happens when someone with the freakish athleticism of Yasiel Puig (6’2 235 lbs and more agile than anyone that size should be) has unworldly patience and bat control (Led the league in walks and OBP 3 times each) and plays at their peak performance for every single game of every season. He is indisputably the greatest player of his generation. If he can continue his obscene production and play solid defense, he may be in the discussion for greatest of any generation this side of Babe Ruth smoking in the dugout. The 3 most statistically similar batters to Trout through their age 26 season are first ballot Hall of Famers Frank Robinson, Ken Griffey Jr., and Mickey Mantle. An average 162 game season for Trout is .307/.416/.573 with 37 HR 99 RBI and 29 SB which explains why he has won the AL MVP twice and finished no worse than 4th in his 7 full major league seasons.

Fun Player: DH/RHP Shohei Ohtani: In his first season stateside, the Japanese sensation slashed .285/.361/.564 with 22 HR and 61 RBI in 104 games. What makes these stats truly insane, is that Ohtani also started 10 games as a pitcher going 4-2 with a 3.31 ERA and 63 K’s in 51.2 innings and did so in style with a 99 MPH fastball, nasty spliter, and deceptive slider. This feat of success as a two way player was unprecedented in the modern game. In fact, Babe Ruth is the only other player to ever hit both 20 home runs and pitch in 10 games. This earned Ohtani an easy victory in the AL Rookie of the Year voting. Unfortunately for fans, Ohtani underwent Tommy John Surgery to repair damage to the UCL in his right arm so he will not take the mound again until 2020. However, he should be back to crushing bombs by sometime in May.

Mascot: In order to offset the charisma black hole that is Mike Trout and his enthusiasm for weather, the Angels employ *checks notes* no mascot to delight and entertain the fans.

Some children may mistake the physique of 7+ years past his prime Albert Pujols for that of a mascot

Are they good?: Baring divine intervention, Joseph Gordon-Levitt is not going to have a family again anytime soon. The Angels would have a very strong lineup if the year were 2015. In 2019 the only real threat the offense outside of Trout poses is to the training staff’s tape and ice supply. DH Pujols, OF Justin Upton, C Justin Lucroy, 1B Justin Bour and 3B Zack Cozart are all on the wrong side of 30 and playing a lot of Springsteen in the clubhouse these days. The pitching rotation will be led by journeyman RHP Trevor Cahill (7-4 3.76 ERA in 110 innings in 2018) whose career mediocrity (80-83 4.08 ERA) will fit in nicely with his now 7th franchise.

Los Angeles Dodgers

Last Season: 92-71, 1st in NL West, Lost World Series to Boston 4-1

Best Player: LHP Clayton Kershaw: Kershaw is the most dominant pitcher of his generation having already racked up 3 Cy Youngs (‘11, ‘13-14), 1 MVP (’14) and leading the NL in ERA 5 of his 10 seasons (’11-14, ’17). He is the active MLB leader in winning percentage (.689), ERA (2.39), and shutouts (15). Unfortunately for Dodgers fans and fans of great pitching in general, years of dominance have begun to take a toll on Kershaw. Back pain and various arm issues have kept Kershaw from breaking 200 innings each of the last 3 seasons. This year doesn’t look like it will change that as Kershaw will miss Opening Day with shoulder inflammation.

Fun Player: 1B/3B Max Muncy: Muncy was the unlikeliest of stars for the Dodgers last season. After 2 unproductive years split between AAA and Oakland in 2015 and 2016 (.195/.290/.321 across 96 games) Muncy spent all of 2017 in AAA Oklahoma City. He earned a call-up in April of last year and proceeded launch a team high 35 dingers in 137 games while getting time at both corner infield spots, second base and even dabbling in the outfield. This guy went from being a 27 year old minor leaguer to hitting a walk off in the World Series.

He also looks like they called him up from the local bus station

Mascot: None. It’s strange that in a town filled with performance artists that will take any paying gig to avoid moving back home to Iowa, neither team employs a mascot.

Are they good?: Like many Hollywood blockbusters the team has a high budget (4th Highest payroll in MLB), lots of stars and explosive moments (Led NL in HR in 2018) but in the end is more likely than not going to leave you somewhat disappointed. After back to back World Series appearances (both losses) the Dodgers did some shakeup this offseason trading OF Yasiel Puig, LHP Alex Wood and OF Matt Kemp to Cincinnati, letting C Yasmani Grandal (24 HR 68 RBI in 2018) walk in free agency, and adding OF AJ Pollock (.257/.316/.484 21 HR 65 RBI) but it seems like an overall downgrade. However one other hopeful addition to the roster will be a potential full healthy season from 2016 NL Rookie of the Year SS Corey Seager after an elbow injury cost him all but 26 games last season. An average year from him (.302/.372/.494 25 HR 82 RBI per 162 games) could take a lot of pressure off Muncy having to repeat his slugging anomaly. This team should make the playoffs again but doesn’t appear to be the team that will get over the hump and finally take down the AL powerhouses.

Miami Marlins

Last Season: 63-98, 5th Place in NL East, Missed Playoffs, Were so inconsequential they only played 161 games instead of making up a late season game

Best Player: 3B Brian Anderson: 2018 NL MVP OF Christian Yelich vs 2017 OF NL MVP Giancarlo Stanton would have been a very difficult debate for best player but thankfully both were shipped out of town prior to last season. OF Marcel Ozuna and his 37 HR 124 RBI in 2017 would have been a quality choice had he not been shipped to St. Louis that offseason as well. C J.T Realmuto (.277/.340/.484 in 2018) would be a slam dunk selection here but you will never guess, he was also traded this offseason. If I were Brian Anderson, I may try to stick to living in rental properties for now. Anderson is a solid young bat (.273/.357/.400 11 HR 65 RBI) so look for him to be traded to a major market team fairly soon.

Fun Player: RHP Dan Straily: Straily isn’t personally entertaining to watch but what he does do is give up home runs at an alarmingly high rate to the delight of all opposing fans. He gave up an NL leading 31 in 2016 and 31 more in 2017. In 2018 he pitched in less innings, limiting him to only 20 no doubters, but still maintained his promising 1.5 HR per 9 inning rate. He’s given up 6 round trippers in just 16 spring training innings so he looks to be in midseason form already. *NOTE* Straily got cut the day after I wrote this. Uhh I guess RHP Jose Urena really likes hitting batters (MLB high 14 in ‘17 and NL high 12 in ’18), so rather than face his wrath, I’ll let him take this spot.

Mascot: Billy the Marlin, who is kind of a reverse mermaid because he has a fish head and human legs.

If he entertains too many fans, team CEO Derek Jeter will likely look to move him as well

Are they good?: If they were they would have been traded for middling prospects and cash by now.

Milwaukee Brewers

Last Season: 96-67, 1st in NL Central (won game 163 vs Cubs to split tie), Lost NLCS to Dodgers 4-3

Best Player: OF Christian Yelich. Prior to last season, most baseball fans likely knew Yelich as the guy that looks like Pete Davidson, if they knew him at all. He exploded last year, no doubt ecstatic to be free from the cultural wasteland of Miami and living in the bustling metropolis of Milwaukee, and put up 36 home runs including an eye-popping 25 dingers after the All-Star Break while leading the NL in batting average (.326) and slugging percentage (.598). He threw in a career high 22 steals and 7 triples for good measure. His numbers may cool a bit from his lava hot season as the excitement over being within walking distance of the Harley-Davidson Museum fades but his career averages (.297/.375/.463) are quite respectable.

Fun Player: CF Lorenzo Cain: Cain is one of the most electric defensive outfielders in the league (2.4 Defensive Wins Above Replacement in 2018), bats well (.293/.351/.420 career averages) and has speed around the bases (career high 30 steals in 2018). He also didn’t start playing baseball until his sophomore year of high school. He showed up to tryouts in jeans and without a glove.

An honorable mention goes out to 3B Travis Shaw who is nicknamed “The Mayor of Ding Dong City” and did in fact stroke 63 dingers the last two seasons.

Mascot: Bernie Brewer: A mustachioed drunkard who goes down a slide when the Brewers hit a home run.

As pale as the typical Wisconsinite

Are they good?: They should be much better than the heart disease outlook of their cholesterol clogged fans. This team was one win short of making the World Series last year, returns all the key pieces and added C Yasmani Grandal, one of the best power hitting catchers in the league (73 HR over the last 3 seasons). They have a somewhat anonymous but solid nonetheless pitching rotation that just needs to eat enough innings to get to their very good bullpen led by very bad tweeter LHP Josh Hader (6-1 2.43 ERA). They play in likely the toughest division in baseball but should come out on top and contend come late October.

Minnesota Twins

Last Season: 78-84, 2nd in AL Central, Missed Playoffs

Best Player: CF Byron Buxton: With longtime fan favorite 1B Joe Mauer retired and 2B Brian Dozier traded last season, the former #2 pick in the 2012 draft is now positioned to be the new face of the franchise. While his 2017 season showed great promise (.253/.314/.413, 16 HR, 29 SB and a Gold Glove), in 2018 a series of injuries limited Buxton to 28 games and he did not do much in them (.156/.183/.200 0 HR’s). Buxton has put on over 20 lbs. of muscle this offseason in hopes of improving his durability and has looked strong in Spring Training (.444/.488/.861 4 HR 15 RBI 4 SB). Time will tell if the gains will be enough to shoulder the weight of being an expected superstar for the franchise for years to come.

Fun Player: C/Utility Willians Astudillo: Astudillo, affectionately known as “La Tortuga”, is a Stay Puft Marshmallow Man shaped Swiss Army Knife that played 6 different positions for the Twins in just 29 games last season. He hits towering home runs, throws no look pick off moves, almost never strikes out (17 times in 404 combined MLB/AAA AB’s last season), and above all else is graceful as a gazelle.

Me running to the pro shop to get an Astudillo jersey

Mascot: T.C. Bear: A beloved symbol of all that is good and right in America.

He can’t hear you haters

Are they good?: God I hope so. There’s a lot of potential but an equal number of question marks. Will RHP Jose Berrios (12-11 3.84 ERA 202 K in 192 innings) look like the long term ace he appeared to be prior to the All-Star Break or the 4.00+ ERA pitcher he was down the stretch? Will the rest of the rotation behind him, including sporadically electric RHP Michael Pineda (AL Leading 10.6 K per 9 innings in 2016) returning from Tommy John surgery, provide any quality innings? Will this be the year 3B Miguel Sano feasts on pitching like he does on Little Debbie snack cakes? If these questions are answered positively and new manager Rocco Baldelli can get solid contributions from power hitting additions DH Nelson Cruz (37 HR in ’18), 1B CJ Cron (30 HR in ‘18), and 2B Jonathan Schoop (21 HR in ’18, 32 HR in ’17), this team should strongly contend for a wild card spot.

New York Mets

Last Season: 77-85, 4th in NL East, Missed Playoffs

Best Player: RHP Jacob deGrom: deGrom was flat out unhittable when he was on the mound last season (MLB best 1.70 ERA and a miniscule 0.94 walks or hits per inning pitched). He added in 269 K’s in 217 innings for good measure. Unfortunately the Mets flat out couldn’t hit when he was on the mound either leading to a 10-9 record. What is wild about that stat is the fact that deGrom put up 10.1 Wins Above Replacement. This means that the average replacement level pitcher would not have won a single game in which deGrom pitched. (Note: I’m not positive that’s exactly what that stat means but it sounds wild enough to be true)

Fun Player: RHP Noah Syndergaard: Syndergaard provides the Mets with a second ace who looks like Thor (6’6 240 lbs with long flowing locks) and throws 100 mph. Syndergaard has battled injuries and also Hand, Foot and Mouth Disease the last two seasons but his career 2.93 ERA and 9.9 K’s per 9 innings make him a top end starter when healthy. As some added excitement Syndergaard once hit two home runs in one game.

Mascot: Mr. Met: A clean shaven Mr. Redlegs.

Perhaps the love for ball shaped Mr. Met explains their batters’ aversion to getting any hits

Are they good?: In terms of New York baseball teams, the Yankees are like the Marvel Cinematic Universe and the Mets are the DC Universe. One is consistently good and has a bandwagon filled to the brim. The other is wildly uneven and only supported by vocal self-loathing weirdos. Like DC, the Mets have some of the pieces you look for in a franchise (dominant starting pitching) but are otherwise a grim, dark and unpleasant watch. While DC works to right its franchise by skewing younger with movies like Aquaman and the upcoming Shazam so too will the Mets turn towards it younger players like OF Michael Conforto (.243/.350/.448 28 HR 82 RBI), OF Brandon Nimmo (.263/.404/.483 17 HR 47 RBI)and 3B Jeff McNeil (.329/.381/.471 in 63 games) to get them back on the right path. 2B Robinson Cano is even here to fill the Batman role of the past his prime All-Star jammed into the mix.

New York Yankees

Last Season: 100-62, 2nd Place AL East, Wild Card, Lost ALDS 3-1 to Boston

Best Player: OF Giancarlo Stanton: One of the toughest decisions I had to make in this preview because both RF Aaron Judge and Stanton are absolute monsters. If you love the long ball, neither 6’6+ freak of nature is going to let you down. Judge is relatively new on the scene with only 2 full seasons under his belt and already clobbered 83 round trippers. However, he’s actually only 2 years younger than Stanton who broke into the league as a 20 year old and has 9 full seasons of launching titanic moonshots under his belt (305 career HR, a blistering 43 per 162 game pace). That longevity and the fact that he actually has some hardware, winning the 2017 NL MVP with an obscene .281/.376/.631 59 HR 132 RBI season, give Stanton the edge.

Fun Player: There is no joy in watching anyone play for the Yankees.

Mascot: None. Of course this fart sniffing franchise finds it beneath itself to have a cuddly mascot to entertain the children of the lowly commoners. The Yankees did allow fun briefly from 1979 to 1981 and employed a uniformed testicle named Dandy.

The sideways cap no doubt got him ran out of town for disrespecting the pinstripes

Are they good?: Unfortunately yes. They have the most dangerous lineup in the majors with SS Didi Greggorius, 2B Gleyber Torres, 3B Miguel Andujar, and OF Aaron Hicks all joining Stanton and Judge in hitting 24 or more home runs last season. This doesn’t even account for C Gary Sanchez who had a miserable 2018 (.186/.291/.406) but hit .287 with 33 dingers in 2017. Not to mention them adding Gold Glove 2B DJ LeMahieu to shore up their defense, likely washed but still 5 time All-Star SS Troy Tulowitzki to fill in for Greggorius as he recovers from Tommy John surgery, LHP James Paxton and his 208 strikeouts in 160.1 innings, and have a resurgent possible future Hall of Famer LHP CC Sabathia (9-7 3.65 ERA) penciled in as their 4th starter in the rotation. This team will likely win 100 games again and it makes me sick.

Oakland Athletics

Last Season: 97-65, 2nd in AL West, Wild Card, Lost AL Wild Card Game to Yankees

Best Player: 3B Matt Chapman: Not only does Chapman put up strong offensive numbers (.278/.356/.508 24 HR, 68 RBI) but going by advance metrics, he is the best defensive third baseman in all of baseball (3.5 defensive wins above replacement in 2018, highest of any position player). His elite combination of range, reaction time, and arm strength create an endless supply of highlights. He finished 7th in MVP voting last season and won his first of a presumed many Gold Gloves.

Fun Player: RHP Blake Treinen: Oakland had a patchwork rotation in 2018 with only 2 pitchers making more than 20 starts so the bullpen led by their closer Treinen was tremendously important to their success. In fact, Treinen’s 9-2 record placed him second on the team in terms of wins which is unheard of for a pitcher coming solely out of the bullpen. His miniscule 0.78 ERA essentially turned every game into an 8 inning affair and his endurance to go longer than an inning as he did for 7 of his 38 saves shortens the game even further.

Mascot: Stomper: The A’s have an elephant mascot because at the turn of the 20th century John McGraw the manager of the New York Giants said that the then Philadelphia Athletics were a “white elephant” for their owner. Athletics manager Connie Mack then thought it would be funny to give McGraw a stuffed animal elephant when they played each other in the 1905 World Series and later added one to their jersey.

Nothing says baseball is fun like 115 year old jokes about a team that hasn’t existed for 65 years

Are they good?: Similar to the film Moneyball, this team is going to be respected, perform well but likely not take home any major awards when all is said and done. They have one of the best bullpens in baseball with RHP Lou Trivino (8-3 2.92 ERA) and LHP Ryan Buchter (6-0 2.75 ERA) joining Treinen to shut down the back half of games. One of the X factors will be freshly acquired 2B Jurickson Profar, once a top prospect for the Texas Rangers who made his MLB debut almost 7 years ago as a 19 year old. Profar has struggled mightily in his career (.240/.321/.387) but had a decent final season for the Rangers slashing .254/.335/.458 with 20 HR and 77 RBI. GM Brad Pitt will look for similar production out of Profar to replace All-Star 2B Jed Lowrie’s departed 23 HR and 99 RBI.

Philadelphia Phillies

Last Season: 80-82, 3rd in NL East, Missed Playoffs

Best Player: RHP Aaron Nola: Nola, who went 17-6 with a 2.37 ERA and 224 K in 212.1 innings pitched, was a big reason why a projected to struggle Philly had lingering playoff hopes late into the summer. His 10.5 WAR was best in the NL. Nola doesn’t bring the high 90’s heat of many of his elite contemporaries, topping out around 94 mph, but he has precision control and a produces a lot of whiffs or groundballs with sinking off-speed pitches batters struggle to get on top of.

Fun Player: OF Bryce Harper: Harper just signed the largest free agent deal in the history of baseball on the basis of his immense talent. When Harper is at the top of his game as he was during his 2015 NL MVP season (.330/.460/.649 49 HR 99 RBI), his numbers rival those of Mike Trout. What separates the two is where Trout has workmanlike consistency to his greatness, Harper is very streaky. A factor in this streakiness is the fiery recklessness with which Harper plays, previously injuring himself both sliding and crashing into walls in the outfield. In a quirk that will fit right in with Philly, he also a habit of getting himself ejected/suspended for arguing with umpires and opponents. It makes him a captivating watch. It will be interesting to see if the security of a 13 year contract gets him refocused and improves his historically bad defense from last year (-3.2 defensive wins above replacement). What is certain, is Harper is going to launch some bombs.

Mascot: The Phillie Phanatic, a furry monster that is green with envy of Philadelphia’s younger and more beloved mascot Gritty.

His motionless eyes hide not his disdain for the usurper of his throne

Are they good?: Philadelphia is a city with an insatiable thirst for drunken parades and fan riots. This team may get them antsy to grease up their light poles and eyeing up their Mummer suits. Along with signing Harper, Philly traded for one of the league’s best offensive catchers J.T Realmuto (.277/.340/.484 21 HR 74 RBI in 2018) and added 2013 NL MVP OF Andrew McCutchen. McCutchen is a few years past his prime but his 2018 .255/.368/.424 slash line would still be valued at the top of this lineup. Philly would be delighted if he could somehow approach the .421 OBP and .471 Slugging he put up in 25 games for the Yankees down the stretch but his most likely contribution will be as a veteran voice to a young and hungry clubhouse. Speaking of past their prime studs in contributing roles, 2015 NL Cy Young Winner RHP Jake Arrieta (10-11 3.96 ERA) will hold down the #2 spot in the rotation. If young guns like terribly named OF Rhys Hoskins (.246/.354/.496 34 HR 96 RBI) and 3B Maikel Franco (.270/.314/.467 22 HR 68 RBI) continue to improve and produce this team will be a strong Wild Card contender and push Atlanta for the division crown.

Pittsburgh Pirates

Last Season: 82-79, 4th in NL Central, Missed Playoffs

Best Player: RHP Jameson Taillon: Jameson has confidence out on the mound not just from being able to hurl the ball upwards of 99 mph but also from having the knowledge that he has already beaten his toughest opponent, defeating testicular cancer in 2017. In fact, a mere 5 weeks after his operation, the one balled wonder struck out 5 over 5 shutout innings. Previous team ace Gerrit Cole was shipped off to the Astros prior to the 2018 season but Taillon, in his first full season removed from treatment, filled his shoes amicably (14-10 3.20 ERA) in a career high 191 innings. He’ll get the nod opening day and look to further his inspiring success story.

Fun Player: CF Starling Marte: Marte is fast (averaging 42 steals per 162 games for his 7 year career) and is a respectable batter .277/.327/.460 20 HR 72 RBI. He has also won 2 Gold Gloves for his fielding prowess. If he can maintain last season’s improved power numbers, he is essentially a speedier, Kirkland brand version of long time Pirates star Andrew McCutchen, whom he replaced as the primary CF last season.

Mascot: The Pirate Parrot. Not only did they not give the parrot a name but he more accurately should be called The Pirate’s Parrot as he features none of the trademark looks of a pirate.

An eyepatch would likely assist with that lazy eye as well

Are they good?: This is the cheese pizza of baseball teams. They are a good set of ingredients with no obvious flaws but don’t really have anything special that is going to razzle dazzle you. The crust of their team is a deep rotation full of average starters. Taillon, RHP Trevor Williams (14-10 3.11 ERA), RHP Joe Musgrove (6-9 4.06 ERA), and RHP Chris Archer (3.72 career ERA) are all going to give you roughly a 4.00 or less ERA. Their 3 lively bullpen arms, LHP Felipe Vazquez (4-2 2.70 ERA 37 Saves), RHP Kyle Crick (3-2 2.39 ERA) and RHP Richard Rodriguez (4-3 2.47 ERA) forms the more distinct flavor of the sauce. Their lineup is like a nice smooth layer of mozzarella cheese giving you consistency but nothing you haven’t tasted before. The Brewers, Cubs, Cardinals, and hell even the Reds have more exciting toppings but even Chuck E. Cheese cheese pizza is edible so the Pirates should likely remain out of the dumpster.

San Diego Padres

Last Season: 66-96, Last in NL West, Missed Playoffs

Best Player: 3B/SS Manny Machado: Machado signed a then record 13 year $300 million contract with the Padres this offseason and on paper there appears to be a very strong case for this being a reasonable investment. At just 26, Machado should still have 5+ seasons of prime production ahead of him. If they look anything like the monster season he had in 2018 split between the Orioles and Dodgers (.297/.367/.538 37 HR 107 RBI), Padres fans will be quite pleased and may even become a thing that exists. Thanks to his vaunted self-preservation tactics, Manny has been quite durable playing at least 156 games each of the last 4 seasons. He also boasts two Gold Gloves at third and one of the strongest arms in the game.

Fun Player: RF Franmil Reyes: Reyes has some serious chonk (6’5 275 lbs) and the power to match the thickness. After obliterating AAA pitching to the tune of a .346/.442/.736 slash through 36 games last season, Franmil earned a May call up at age 22. He struggled a bit out of the gate hitting .221 through July but ended the year on an absolute tear hitting .318 with 10 HR 23 RBI in Aug/Sept. to finish with a strong overall rookie line of .280/.340/.498 16 HR 31 RBI in 87 games. The confused vagrants seeking shelter from the San Diegan heat that I can only assume make up the majority of the attendance at Petco Park, will be hoping to see that late season version of Reyes for many years to come.

Mascot: Swinging Friar, speaking of vagrants…

Not sure how he justifies the monogrammed robes after the vow of poverty

Are they good?: Not yet but prayers may be answered soon. The Padres have not made the playoffs since the 2006 season and haven’t even had a winning record since 2010. This current team will likely not be the one to snap either of those streaks but many of the pieces on the roster should be key pieces when they do. 4 time Gold Glove winner 1B Eric Hosmer is signed through 2025 to be one of those pieces but will need to improve his offensive numbers from his first year in a whale’s vagina(.253/.322/.398). The Padres are high on 23 year old rookie pitcher RHP Chris Paddack who will serve as the team’s 3rd starter behind second year starters 23 year old LHP Eric Lauer (6-7 4.34 ERA) and 25 year old Joey Lucchesi (8-9 4.08 ERA). San Diego will look for these young arms to continue to develop and improve the 3rd worst pitching staff in the NL in 2018 (4.40 ERA) into something serviceable so they can soon make that playoff push.

San Francisco Giants

Last Season: 73-89, 4th Place in NL West, Missed Playoffs

Best Player: C Buster Posey: As a fan of a team in the vastly superior AL, I honestly had not realized how much the Giants had slipped in stature in the NL. I was all excited to try and decide between dominant 2014 World Series MVP LHP Madison Bumgarner and 2012 NL MVP Buster Posey for this spot and likely finagle the lesser of the two in the fun player spot. Unfortunately I felt like Rip Van Winkle when I went to look up the recent stats. Bumgarner has battled injury the last two seasons, limiting both his ability (10-16 3.29 ERA the last two seasons after 4 straight sub 3.00 ERA seasons) and availability (240.2 combined innings in ’17-18 after throwing 226.2 in ’16). He didn’t even hit any dingers last season after posturing for years to be let into the Home Run Derby. Most starting catchers in the league can’t hit as well as even an evidently diminished Posey (.284/.359/.382 5 HR 41 RBI in 105 games) who still plays above average defense, so he gets the nod.

Fun Player: RHP Jeff Samardzija: Way back in 2007 Samardzija faced a similar dilemma to 2018 Heisman Trophy winner Kyler Murray. Samardzija was an All American WR at Notre Dame and ended his career as their all-time leading receiver but was also a Chicago Cubs drafted pitcher on the baseball team. Unlike Murray who spurned the Oakland A’s to enter the NFL draft and seek further gridiron glory, Samardzija elected to pursue an MLB pitching career full time. The atrocious numbers he has put up with the Giants (22-31 4.33 ERA over 3 seasons, 1-5 6.25 ERA in 2018) suggest he may have chosen poorly. The 5 year $90 million contract he signed with San Francisco in 2016 and the estimated $37 million he made before that to be an average pitcher who only occasionally gets into collisions, say otherwise.

Mascot: Lou Seal, who with his backwards cap, sunglasses and radical attitude is trying to trick you into thinking he is young and hip like the industry disrupting tech bros living near AT&T but is actually old and lame like the players on the Giants.

Gray Poochie

Are they good?: It’s apt that this team plays in Silicon Valley. They both were once seen as exciting beacons of hope but more and more seems like something we should be worried about run by dangerous weirdos who don’t seem to know what they’re doing. Not without bright spots, the Giants do have one of the deepest bullpens in baseball having 4 pitchers who made more than 50 appearances and posted a sub 2.70 ERA (LHP Will Smith, RHP Sam Dyson, LHP Tony Watson, RHP Reyes Moronta). The major issue is going to be whether their aging and inefficient lineup (3B Evan Longoria and the .244/.281/.413 slash line he put up in his first year with the team is looking about as washed as a surgeon’s hands) can score enough runs for the bullpen to ever have a lead to hold.

Seattle Mariners

Last Season: 89-73, 3rd Place in AL West, Missed Playoffs

Best Player: RF Mitch Haniger: Haniger had a breakout 2018 making his first All-Star team and finishing 11th in AL MVP voting. He’s a bit of a late bloomer having his first full season playing more than 100 games at the major league level in 2018 at age 27. Evidently the wait aged his batting like a fine wine into a well-rounded .285/.366/.493 26 HR 93 RBI 38 2B production machine.

Fun Player: 1B/DH Edwin Encarnacion: Encarnacion is one of the top power hitters in the game having hit 32 or more dingers each of the last 7 seasons. He also is a rarity in MLB in that he has his own signature HR celebration where he trots around the bases holding his right arm up as if there is a parrot resting on it. He is 36 years old now and his numbers have begun to gradually decline accordingly but he still gets to bust the parrot out quite regularly.

Mascot: Mariner Moose: Rather than trying to explain to folks what in the world a mariner is or why they have a weird compass as their logo, the Mariners went for animal alliteration. As a Rocky and Bullwinkle fan, I wholeheartedly endorse having a big clumsy moose roam around.

He’s a danger to both himself and others

Are they good?: The Mariners still feature teal on their uniforms and have not made a playoff appearance since roughly when that color was still in style (2001, an MLB high 17 season draught). Don’t look for this team who spent their offseason trading pieces away (2B Robinson Cano to the Mets and LHP James Paxton to the Yankees) after a near miss 2018 to snap that streak. Two of the few bright spots for this team during this long dark stretch had been RF Ichiro Suzuki and their long time ace RHP “King” Felix Hernandez. Ichiro retired last week at 45 following 2 games the Mariners played in his native Japan and Herandez’s numbers have fallen off a cliff since he turned 30 back in 2016. His 8-14 5.55 ERA line from last season appears to signify the end of his time as a reliable starter but could give way to a grunge revival amongst fans that have watched his unavoidable collapse after 8 consecutive 200+ inning seasons of carrying this team to nowhere.

St. Louis Cardinals

Last Season: 88-74, 3rd Place in NL Central, Missed Playoffs

Best Player: 1B Paul Goldschmidt: Goldy had been one of the best offensive weapons in baseball during his 8 year stint with the Diamondbacks making it a no brainer for the Cardinals to ship a subpar pitcher, terrible catcher, and middling prospect (RHP Luke Weaver, C Carson Kelly, INF Andy Young) down to Arizona in exchanges for his services this offseason. For that low cost, the Cardinals are receiving a player with a career .297/.398/.532 slash line who averages 31 HR 105 RBI and an intriguingly high for a first baseman, 18 steals per 162 games. He has only missed a grand total of 18 games the past 4 seasons so Cardinal fans will likely see their fair share of long bombs over the course of his freshly signed 5 year extension.

Fun Player: RHP Jordan Hicks: Hicks throws 105 mph. 105. Miles. Per. Hour. 100 MPH and then an additional 5 mph faster than that. He has a sinker he can throw 102 mph. As you might expect from someone throwing a ball that may burst into flames at any moment, he does sometimes struggle with control but put up solid overall numbers out of the bullpen as a 21 year old rookie (3-4 3.59 ERA 70 K in 77.2 innings). Once he gets his aim dialed in, he could be an Aroldis Chapman style gamebreaker.

Mascot: Fredbird. It’s a play on the term “Redbird” which some people, particularly midwestern colleges trying to differentiate themselves from the dozens of other collegiate and high school athletic programs that have a cardinal mascot, and monosyllabic toddlers use to refer to cardinals.

Captures all the swagger of a middle aged man named Fred as well

Are they good?: In the immortal words of the St. Lunatic himself, “It’s getting hot in herre.” After missing the postseason for 3 straight season the Cardinals have reloaded to better matchup with their stacked divisional rivals. Along with bringing in Goldschmidt, the Cardinals acquired a dominant bullpen arm in the form of LHP Andrew Miller. Miller was limited to 34 innings last year due to injuries but in the 4 years prior to that threw at least 61 innings, never had an ERA higher than 2.04, and averaged more than 1.5 K per inning. Goldschmidt joins an already formidable lineup featuring 3B Matt Carpenter (.257/.374/.523 36 HR 81 RBI) and OF Marcell Ozuna (.280/.325/.433 23 HR 88 RBI). The team has developing young talent in 24 year old SS Paul DeJong who socks a lot of dingers (44 HR in 223 career games) and 22 year old RHP Jack Flaherty (8-9 3.34 ERA 182 K in 151 innings). All these pieces should have St. Louis rolling on dubs.

Tampa Bay Rays:

Last Season: 90-72, 3rd Place in AL East, Missed Playoffs

Best Player: SP Blake Snell: Snell was last season’s AL Cy Young Winner with an MLB leading 21 wins and an AL leading 1.89 ERA in 180.2 innings pitched. He struck out 221 batters while only giving up a league low 5.9 hits per 9 innings. His pitching arsenal is led by a 98 MPH fastball and a devastating 12-6 curveball that leaves batters swinging at air as it drops off the face of the earth.

Fun Player: 2B Joey Wendle: Wendle joined the Rays last season with only 36 games of MLB experience after spending the majority of the 3 previous seasons on Oakland’s AAA team. He soundly cleared whatever limited expectations the club may have had for his a 28 year old rookie by doing a little bit of everything to put up a .300/.354/.435 slash line while playing 5 positions across 139 games. He also showed off some solid wheels finishing with 16 steals in 20 attempts and 6 triples. Wendle was also 2nd in the AL with 10 sacrifice flies further cementing the image as an ultimate glue guy.

Mascot: Raymond, who in another case of animal name waste, is not a stingray but is just an unidentifiable furry creature no doubt pulled from the bath salt filled sewers of Florida.

For journalistic integrity I have to admit that Ray and I are close personal friends

Are they good?: Like Raymond and their slanted roofed dome, this team is very weird. After a 3-12 start to the season the Rays turned things around particularly in a red hot second half (41-25), to finish 18 games over .500. Unfortunately 2 of the 3 best teams in baseball happen to be in their division so they stilled missed the playoffs. Keeping up with the Sox and Yankees is going to be made more difficult by their loss of 1B CJ Cron who put up a team leading 30 HR and 74 RBI last season before joining the Twins in free agency. OF Tommy Pham, who slashed an MVP level .343/.448/.622 in 39 games following a July 31st trade from the Cardinals, will be relied upon heavily to fill that power gap. The rotation after Snell and freshly acquired RHP Charlie Morton (15-3 3.13 ERA 201 K in 167 innings for the Astros in 2018) is uncertain. The Rays uniquely addressed this dilemma last season utilizing relievers, primarily rookie RHP Ryne Stanek (2-3 2.98 ERA 81 K in 66.1 innings) in an “opener” role. Rather than turning to the fireballer to finish games, the Rays had Stanek start 29 games with more often than not a single shutout inning before turn it over to a more traditional “starter” like LHP Ryan Yarbrough who went 16-6 with a 3.91 ERA in 147 innings and only had 6 official starts. This team is so unorthodoxly constructed and utilized that losing 90 games or making the playoffs seem equally possible. Most likely they’ll end up somewhere in the middle.

Texas Rangers

Last Season: 67-95, 5th Place in AL West, Missed Playoffs

Best Player: RHP Jose Leclerc: Leclerc, the team’s closer, has the requisite mid 90’s fastball of a late inning reliever but also throws a deceptive changeup and nasty splitter/slider that even Mike Trout can’t touch. This unhittableness showed up in some gaudy 2018 numbers that saw Leclerc post a 1.56 ERA while striking out 85 batters and only giving up 24 hits in 57.2 innings pitched. He held opponents to a disgustingly miniscule 0.85 walks and hits per inning that he pitched. He’s filthy.

Fun Player: 1B Joey Gallo: Joey Gallo is awesome because he essentially only gives you 3 options for what happens when steps up to the plate. He’s either going to get walked, strikeout, or put the ball in the cheap seats (40 HR in ’18). This produces a wild stat line in which Gallo has hit more home runs (81) than singles (70) the last two seasons. It also makes his career batting average (.203) a blinding eyesore but the spectacle that occurs when he does connect, almost makes it worth it.

Mascot: Rangers Captain: As an NHL fan I was very excited to hear Mark Messier had gotten a new gig. Unfortunately it is actually just some dumbly named child eating horse.

A fun mascot? I say nay

Are they good?: Everything is bigger in Texas, including the loss total this team is gonna put up this year. Their opening day starter is LHP Mike Minor who sounds like a made up player filling a AAA roster spot on MVP Baseball 2005 and has similar stats to one (12-8 4.18 ERA). Future Hall of Famer Adrian Beltre retired. I just told you their best player is a reliever. Their most fun player struck out twice as often as he got a hit (207 vs 103). Things haven’t been this dire for Texas Rangers since Walker spoke with Haley Joel Osment.

Toronto Blue Jays

Last Season: 73-89, 4th in AL East, Missed Playoffs

Best Player: RHP Marcus Stroman: Stroman is an anomaly out on the mound, standing only 5’7 but firing 93 mph fastballs. Stroman and the Jays are hoping his 2018 (4-9 5.54 ERA in only 102.1 innings) is an anomaly as well. Shoulder fatigue plagued much of his season, draining some of the buzz from the emergent star who swaggered through a championship victory in the 2017 World Baseball Classic. A return to form more closely resembling his 2017 (13-9 3.09 ERA in 201 innings) would go a long way towards securing a desired payday for Stroman who still has another year of arbitration eligibility before hitting the open market.

Fun Player: 3B Vlad Guerrero Jr.: Some of you may fondly remember his Hall of Fame father who would literally swing at anything. His large adult son Jr., is a mightily rotund youngster (6’2 250 lbs of chonk) that can absolutely mash. Jr. just turned 20 years old and is ranked as the unanimous #1 prospect in baseball after hitting a monstrous .381/.437/.636 20 HR 73 RBI in 95 games across 4 levels of the minors in 2018. Guerrero will begin the season at AAA for a couple weeks recovering from an oblique strain/manipulating his service time but expect to see him raking major league pitching shortly.

Mascot: Ace: For a change of pace the team actually uses the animal for which they are named as their mascot. They used to have a mascot named BJ Birdy and it took them 20 years of teenage boys to realize that was a bad idea.

They have an additional mascot named “Junior” they try to pass off as notorious ladies’ man Ace’s “brother”

Are they good?: I’m not sure of the conversion rate on Canadian wins but I don’t think it’s going to be nearly enough to get the Jays into the playoffs. This lineup cannot wait for Guerrero’s bat to show up. 1B Justin Smoak and OF Randal Grichuk provide pop (25 HR each in 2018) but very little else (.322 and .298 career OBP respectively). CF Kevin Pillar makes highlight reel catches but you won’t see too many of his sharply hit grounders on Sports Center. The rotation is full of question marks including RHP Aaron Sanchez who has only thrown 141 innings since a breakout 2016 season (15-2 3.00 ERA in 192 innings) and RHP Clay Buchholz whose numbers have vacillated wildly from that of a dominate ace (7-2 2.01 ERA in 98.1 innings with the D-Backs in ’18) to a beer leaguer (0-1 12.27 ERA in 7.1 innings with Philly in ’17) throughout his career. Playing in a meat grinder of a division with the Yankees and Red Sox is not going to help the enigmas figure it out.

Washington Nationals

Last Season: 82-80, 2nd Place in NL East, Missed Playoffs

Best Player: RHP Max Scherzer: Scherzer (18-7 2.53 ERA 300 K in 220.2 innings) signed with the Nationals in 2015 for 7 years and $210 million and somehow lived up to every bit of that monster contract. He won back to back Cy Young’s in 2016 and 2017 and has led the league in strikeouts each of the last 3 seasons with a sub 3.00 ERA all 4 seasons of the deal. The only knock on him would be his lackluster playoff numbers with the Nats (0-2 3.72 ERA in 4 games) but luckily that shouldn’t come into play any time soon for this team.

Fun Player: SS Trea Turner: Turner is a burner. He led the NL last year with 43 steals which was actually a decline after putting up a blistering 46 in only 98 games the season before. Turner isn’t just fast but remarkably efficient, only getting caught 25 times in 149 career steal attempts (83% success rate). Paired with a career .289 batting average and enough pop to get 19 home runs last season, he’s everything that most teams look for at the top of their lineup.

Mascot: Screech, a bald eagle who appears to still be dismayed by Bryce Harper turning down their $300 million contract offer to play with this mismanaged organization for 10 more seasons.

What do you mean he didn’t like playing for his 4th manager in 7 seasons?

Are they good?: The only people happy with anything coming out of DC lately are the Russians. Don’t look for this Nats team to change that. The rotation after Scherzer has some question marks with new acquisition RHP Anibal Sanchez putting up great but very fluky numbers last year (I promise I’m not just saying that because the Twins cut him in Spring Training. He had a 2.83 ERA in 2018 but 6.41 ERA the year before and a 3.99 ERA for his career) and fireballer RHP Stephen Strasburg coming off a season he struggled with both health and consistency (3.74 ERA in only 130 innings). The lineup was solid last year, anchored by 3B Anthony Rendon (.308/.374/.535 24 HR 92 RBI) but they are looking to fill the gaping hole in power production from the loss of Harper with new 2B Brian Dozier whose 2018 numbers were more sickening than any lobbyist’s propaganda (.215/.305/.395 with only 21 dingers, half of his 2016 total).

The volume in Rendon’s luscious mullet can only do so much to lift a mediocre team