Wattching Hockey: I Am Ready To Be Hurt

Being a Minnesota Wild fan is largely an irrationally sustained session of self-immolation. However, the fandom is not a group of true sickos that have pledged lifelong fealty to a woebegone franchise mired in an unending string of suck like anyone that supports the crosstown Timberwolves. No, the Wild and their fans have suffered much worse a fate, that of the mediocre. For two decades, the Wild have been just as inconsequential to the final outcome of an NHL season as the putrid Timberwolves of the ice, the Arizona Coyotes, but experience a grander suffering as they are burdened by the crippling weight of hope. Hope is something no right minded Glendale resident has ever experienced between bouts of outlet shopping.

That damnable hope comes from a perennially competitive squad that has secured wins or at least made it to overtime in 55.1% of its games played across 20 years of existence. This currently ranks them as the 6th most successful active NHL franchise during the regular season. In fact, only 3 times in franchise history have the Wild suffered more regulation losses than wins in a season. While this seems like a bandwagon one would wish to climb aboard, only dysentery awaits those who try to follow this particular trail to Lord Stanley’s Cup. 11 times the Wild have made the postseason and 8 times they have been bounced in the first round of play. This is a team that in those 11 trips, have won 5 less playoff games than the Vegas Golden Knights who have only existed for 4 seasons. Only once has Minnesota even advanced as far as Western Conference Finals where even there they were promptly swept by JS Giguere and his mockery of goalie pad regulations. In a fitting tribute to St. Paul native Charles Schulz, this is the Charlie Brown kicking a football of hockey teams.

Yet each and every year as puck drop nears, knowing full well the heartbreak that surely awaits, dreams of a hoisted silver cup flutter through the hearts and minds of the Fighting Forest fanatics. The key reason delirious hope will spring forth once more this season, the return of a sweet little Russian boy with the edge work of Brian Boitano and the infectious dopey grin of a child just given a fresh stack of pancakes.

Just one day before the start of training camp, the Wild announced they had resigned that jovial lad, NHL Rookie of the Year Kirill Kaprizov, to a 5 year $45 million dollar contract. At $9 million a year, that is the highest average annual contract value given out in franchise history.This is a tremendous show of faith by General Manager Bill Guerin in the Calder Trophy winning dynamo. Despite having only 55 NHL games under his belt, the 24 year old has earned every single penny of that commitment. Watch this:

No disrespect to Dany Heatley calling for a clapper from deep in the corner, but the Wild have not had a player this dynamic, if not ever, at least not since Marian Gaborik left for the bright lights of NYC in 2009. Kaprizov is a rare breed of offensive player where every single time they touch the puck, no matter their location, a goal could happen by their own dangling hands or by dint of a perfectly placed pass from an impossible angle.

The second part of that equation is what makes Kaprizov such an intriguing offensive centerpiece. Victor Rask is a certified 3rd/4th line bum, Mats Zucarello hasn’t scored 20 goals in a year since the Obama administration, yet paired with Kaprizov, they looked like the most dangerous line in the division. Who knows what he could do lined up with some bona fide offensive weapons. The Wild have some promising complimentary pieces in fellow 24 year olds Joel Eriksson Ek (career high 19 goals in ‘21), Jordan Greenway (career high 32 pts), and 25 year old Kevin Fiala (back to back 20+ goals in shortened seasons) who is the type of solid secondary scoring threat the team would previously position as its star. However, the real heavy support artillery should be arriving post haste.

Due to their sustained mediocrity and poor drafting, the Wild had habitually been low on exciting rookies but following Kaprizov, the floodgates have seemed poised to open. The young gun who appeared most likely to crack the team out of camp was 20 year old 2019 1st round pick Matt Boldy. In 2020 Matt Boldy put up 31 pts in 22 games with Boston College, helped lead team USA to gold in the World Junior Classic by scoring 5 goals in 7 games, and signed his entry level deal with the AHL Iowa Wild where he nabbed 18 pts in 14 games. Boldy is a 6’2 194 lbs man child with a heavy quick release wrist shot and natural playmaking abilities. Check out this shot:

Now watch this pass:

Now act shocked knowing the snake bitten history of Minnesota sports when informed that Boldy suffered a fractured ankle in a preseason game and will miss the first 4-6 weeks of the seasons.

Next in line is 2020 9th overall pick Marco Rossi, the team’s first top 10 pick since taking their top offensive defenseman Matt Dumba 7th overall in 2012. Rossi is on the smaller side at 5’9 185 but has tremendous hands and the elite playmaking vision on the ice to be the true top line center the Wild have so desperately lacked.

Unlike Boldy’s parade of domination, Rossi got his foreboding Minnesota sports energy out of the way during the ‘20-21 season. After struggling through 4 games of World Juniors Rossi missed the remainder of last season debilitated by a nasty case of Covid he caught late in 2020. By all signs of the show he put on throughout rookie camp and the preseason, he looks fully recovered:

Rossi’s last full season playing hockey he put up 120 pts in the OHL, which coincidentally, is the exact same number of points Connor McDavid put up in his final OHL season. McDavid is a two time MVP who scored 105 pts in just 56 games last season so it seems more than reasonable to extrapolate out a 2041 jersey retirement ceremony for young Marco.

Rounding out the rising rookies is defenseman Calen Addison. Acquired from the Penguins in the 2020 Jason Zucker trade, Addison is an offensive spark plug who put up 22 pts in 31 AHL games with Iowa last year and 9 pts in 7 games at the 2019 World Juniors before making a 3 game playoff cameo for the Wild. He’s not on the initial roster coming out of training camp but the primary obstacle ahead of him on the depth chart are a pair of spare parts on sub $1 million 1 year deals. Expect to see him at the X making passes as silky as his stache at some point very soon.

The Mugshot of a Man Arrested for Breaking Hearts

Could these rambunctious youngsters continue to be ravaged by injuries and health issues? Could players young and old clash with head coach and major grumpus Dean Evason who didn’t even care for noted hockey psycho Zach Parise? Could the defense take a step back with Golden Gopher legend Alex Goligosky stepping in for 3 time All-Star Ryan Suter? Could the streaky goaltending of Cam Talbot resemble his 2018-19 season where he posted a ghastly .892 save percentage? Could the confidence of his 25 year old backup Kaapo Kahkonen be shot after giving up 7 goals in his last start prior to being exposed in the expansion draft?

Almost certainly, but putting those doubts aside, please watch Kirill Kaprizov going between his own legs with the puck one more time.

Now watch how this man goes about putting pucks away after practice.

Try to imagine a world where this team does not kick that football to the moon.