My Big Fat Greek Man Crush

The NBA playoffs are kind of lame this year. LeBron James is too busy shooting Space Jam 2 to participate and the Warriors will most likely win again. Decidedly unlame however, has been Milwaukee Bucks Forward Giannis Antetokounmpo who has solidified his stature as the most unstoppable force in the NBA.

Giannis (pronounced YAH-Ness like you are celebrating a well timed PK Thunder on Smash Bros.) is also known as the far easier to pronounce Greek Freak and is exactly that, an absolute freak of nature. Giannis stands 6'11 with a wingspan of 7'4 but moves not like the lumbering 7' players of old that you could time the 40 yard dashes of with a sundial (looking at you Dirk), but rather with the speed and agility of elite guards 6 to 8 inches shorter than he. Wingspan is a weird measurement but it seems to be an appropriate word to use when describing a being that can gather a ball at his own 3 pt. line, and dunk after a single dribble while only somewhat making a mockery of the rules of traveling.

Along with his towering stature and E.T.-esque fingers, Giannis can almost jump right out of the gym back to his home planet.

Since first coming over to the states, from you guessed it, Greece, as a wiry 196lbs 18 year old, Antetokounmpo has seemingly spent every off-season pumping iron and beer bonging protein shakes to the tune of a 46 lbs weight gain almost entirely of muscle.

Looking like before and after gamma radiation pics in an infomercial for the Hulk

This past season found Giannis using these newfound gains to essentially steal the entire league's lunch money.

Blake Griffin had to call his mom to pick him up in the Kia Optima after this game

In the regular season Giannis put up an absurd 27.7 points (3rd highest in NBA) 12.5 rebounds (6th in NBA) along with 5.9 assists (5th amongst non-guards) and 1.5 blocks (10th in NBA) per game while only playing 32 mins a game because he had already ground your team's bones to dust by the start of the 4th quarter. These numbers added up to a Player Efficiency Rating (PER) of 30.89. Player Efficiency Rating is a newfangled stat that does exactly what it sounds like and takes all a players different stats and spits out a single number to tell you how efficient they are at doing basketball stuff. Antetokounmpo's PER not only led the league but was the 12th highest ever recorded in NBA history. Only Michael Jordan, LeBron James, Steph Curry and Wilt Chamberlain have put up a higher PER in a season. To repeat, the only players that have ever been as efficient at basketball as Giannis was this year are the two greatest players of all time, a man whose three point range and shooting efficiency has effectively broken the game, and a 7'1 man that was guarded by 6'4 accountants.

Giannis would score 50 buckets a game against these KPMG clowns

The Freak has carried this staggering performance right over to the post season where through 6 games he has dropped 26 pts and grabbed 11 boards per game while playing less than 30 minutes because the city of Detroit has suffered enough already.

Years of economic depression or aftershocks of a Giannis slam?

Perhaps the most alarming stat for the rest of the league is that Giannis, despite having played 6 full NBA seasons and improved dramatically in all of them, is still only 24 years old. When I was 24 years old I was still dialing in how to get the dishwasher to work.

It is a crime that dishwashing liquid and dishwasher liquid are two very different things

At this young age, the Greek Freak's game is still growing. He has put up these insane numbers with only minor semblance of a functioning jump shot. This is partially due to not picking up the game of basketball until he was 13 years old and also partially from not needing one because have you seen the clips throughout this post? Terrifyingly he has slowly but surely been working on adding a reliable 3 point shot to his arsenal.

If Giannis can continue to develop his jump shot the way I have developed into a dish washing pro (s/o Cascade ActionPacs) the NBA is in for a world of hurt. The league is not ready for someone to combine the unguardability of lanky Kevin Durant jumpers with the fragile ego swapped out for the ferociousness of vintage Shaq.

In case you were worried, Giannis is also cool as hell off the court. When not consuming souls on the hardwood Giannis can be found around Milwaukee taking in the local art scene and eating the local cuisine.

You show me a truer patriot and I will show you a liar

In conclusion, I hope you all have learned and can appreciate that Giannis is dope. If you ever doubt that there is still good in this world, please watch my large adult Greek son dunk the ball for 7 minutes straight.