Wattching Baseball: Chonk Kings
- Watt
- Apr 22, 2021
- 3 min read
Updated: Apr 23, 2021
We’re just about a month into the MLB season and unlikely archetype of athletic prowess has authoritatively burst onto the scene. I speak not of quick twitch muscle riddled power hitting speedsters like Ronald Acuna and Byron Buxton. No, no, my friends, I am here today on behalf of the Thicc Boiz. The Girthy Guys depositing balls in upper decks and burger wrappers in clubhouse trashcans in equal measure. Human beings whose body type is closer to a Kenmore Appliance than an Athletic Adonis. The Rotund Batsmen bumbling around the infield, sweaty cap in hand.
2021 is shaping up to be, the year of the chonk. Let’s meet the masses:
Astudillo is affectionately nicknamed "La Tortuga" because he has the exact same physique as Bowser. Whatever scale said this doughboy weighs 225 lbs would have you believe the average man is out here walking around looking like Christian Bale in The Machinist. Like many of his portly brethren across the nation, he is tremendously averse to taking walks. He’s yet to accumulate a base on balls in 36 plate appearance creating a neigh impossible situation where his .286 batting average is actually higher than his .278 on base percentage. This is a man that EARNS his way on base through sheer force of will aided and abetted by his cat like speed and reflexes.
Though ostensibly a catcher, he’s yet to find a position he cannot play making starts at 1B, 2B, 3B, LF and RF throughout his 4 year career. Look at the range:
On April 16th he even waddled up the mound to throw a perfect inning!
Son of Hall of Famer Vlad Guerrero, Baby Vladdy has been hyped up as an elite big league hitter since before he even made his April 2019 MLB Debut. His first two major league seasons were solid if unremarkable but he gave a glimpse of the vast untapped power within his sturdy haunches when he tanked a record 40 balls out of the park in a single round of the 2019 Home Run Derby.
In 2021, he’s starting to fully live up to that larger than his waistline potential slashing .383/.513/.650 with 4 HR 12 RBI is his first 18 games. Vlad puts every pound of his large adult son frame into roping taters with exit velocities over 116 MPH. Gaze in wonder upon this pudger’s prodigious pounding.
The mountainous Mercedes had the best start to a season of anyone in baseball going a record 8 for his first 8 with 2 doubles, a home run and 6 RBI. He is yet to have a game with 4 or more plate appearances where he does not collect a hit which is exactly what you like to see from the player you designated to hit. Statistics are fun but what really matters is his possession of the ideal stature for man strictly there to nuke pitches. Look at this specimen:
With trimmer but no less impressive beef boy Jose Abreu already manning first base for the Sox, Mercedes has no place in the field of play, but the titanic shots he hits don’t spend much time there either.
The original surprisingly spry lard lad bounced around third base in San Francisco from 2009-2014 collecting 3 World Series Rings and the 2012 Series MVP. Unfortunately for fans of exercise ball shaped players, Sandoval’s career fell off a cliff after signing with the Red Sox in 2015. Well folks, Kung Fu Panda appears to be back in a pinch hit capacity and packing a paunchy punch.
Pablo has said skadoosh to 3 balls already this season in just 12 off the bench at bats. Someone must have horrifically broken both their legs on the way to first base because he’s also been called upon to pinch run.
No uniform can hope to contain this much man. Vogelbach, an air conditioning unit of a human being, is kind of a throw in at the end here because he’s only hitting .214 so far, but the following image needed to be shared.
This is a man who has dedicated his life to cultivating mass. He put his barrel chest, developed by curls of barbell and cheese in equal measure, into 30 homers in 2019. Vogelbach’s on his 3rd team since and somewhat left without a position with the NL’s elimination of the DH this season but he did smack two dingers on 4/18.
Please let me know if there is a jiggly jolly baseball man on your squadron I may have overlooked. However, do note in your chonk considerations that 6’4 272 lbs Twins 1B Miguel Sano is hitting under .200, so he is just fat.
For more insightful baseball analysis please check out my team by team
Comments