Wattching Movies: 2023 Reviewed
- Watt
- Mar 9, 2024
- 44 min read
Updated: Mar 9, 2024
2023 was a momentous year in film. The Barbienheimer phenomenon took the nation by storm, temporarily squashing talk of movie theaters obsolescence as two disparate blockbusters releasing on the same day sparked impromptu double features to the tune of a combined $240 million opening weekend. Octogenarian masters of their craft Michael Mann and Martin Scorsese both released long gestating passion projects. My trusted cinema consigliere Tess became my film fiancee. It wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows though. The Writers Guild of America and Screen Actors Guild both went on months-long strikes for collectively bargained solutions to a myriad of corrosive issues in rapidly changing and increasingly intertwined film and television industries. David Zaslav and the private equity ghouls that now own a foundational American studio continued to deem tax write-offs more valuable than releasing completed motion pictures. A third My Big Fat Greek Wedding was foisted upon an unsuspecting nation still reeling from the tumultuous start of the 2020’s. Come, journey with us through the highs and lows of what the multiplexes and sweatily desperate for subscriber streaming services had to offer. Take us away Tom:
Below is a handy clickable table of contents that will allow you to jump to different sections if you don't feel like reading 109 movie reviews in one sitting or if you wish to skip to the top rankings to help determine your latest streaming selection
109-101: The Rot Streaming Has Wrought
109. Shotgun Wedding
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 45%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Amazon Prime
An action-comedy about pirates taking a destination wedding hostage with very few laughs and even less competent action. If 54 year old Jennifer Lopez shared her andro regimen, maybe Josh Duhamel’s character wouldn’t have been stuck languishing as a career minor league baseball player. On the bright side, The White Lotus star Jennifer Coolidge scored another free vacation and in exchange tried her best to save her handful of scenes.
Tess Thought (Tess Ranking: 109): J-Lo starred in two top tier romcoms in 2001-2002 and decided no more of these, only trash from now on.
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 29%
Where to Watch: Available for Rental
Powered by the handsomeness of John Corbett and broad family friendly ethnic humor My Big Fat Greek Wedding made over $300 million in 2002 dollars on a shoestring budget. 20 years after that runaway sleeper success, original star and screenwriter Nia Vardalos has developed into a true triple threat: a danger to audiences whether she’s acting, writing, or directing. Who knows what devious dirt she must have on producer Rita Wilson to keep her career afloat; we are already aware of the existence of Chet Hanks.
Tess Thought (108): My 3 year old nephew tells stories that make more sense than this.
107. The Out-Laws
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 21%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Netflix
You should always be wary of a Happy Madison production that is R rated or doesn’t even feature Adam Sandler so when a movie checks both those boxes you’re in for an ordeal just like Tyler Spindel’s last, strictly by legal definition, film, The Wrong Missy. The main positive here is Adam Devine has been brought into Sandler’s notoriously lucrative and lazy in equal measure production company’s fold and secured his Workaholics buddy Blake Anderson a few more months of SAG health coverage.
Tess Thought (100): Hard to watch.
106. Old Dads
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 25%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Netflix. Alternatively, just tell your uncle you’re starting a vegan diet and you’ll get most of the same material
Comedian Bill Burr’s directorial debut is more a series of sketches than a coherent movie but most of the sketches are just acted out stand up bits and those bits are more cranky generational divide rants than anything resembling actual jokes.
Tess Thought (104): Also hard to watch.
105. Fool’s Paradise
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 18%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Hulu
Watching Charlies Day’s longtime passion project and directorial debut that began filming way back in 2018 was the biggest bummer of the year. Even after some Guillermo Del Toro inspired rewrites and reshoots in 2021, Day simply couldn’t crack the screenplay. I can’t blame him for trying, its Being There by way of Chaplin with a sprinkle of Bowfinger premise seems promising, the vapid excess of the entertainment industry is ripe for lampooning, and he has a rolodex of famous friends to fill the cast. Unfortunately Day doesn’t come up with much beyond the broadest and most played out jokes about Hollywood and the person that owed him the most favors (or accepted the lowest pay) ends up being Ken Jeong who is excruciating in the largest speaking role. More egregiously, Day seems to misunderstand his own actorly appeal. While a developmentally stunted mentally ill vagrant isn’t a far off description of Charlie Kelly, instead of hyper exasperation and bizarre ranting, here his tramp figure Latte Pronto is mainly stuck doing wide eyed confusion for 90 minutes straight. It leaves his co-stars flapping in the wind, doing their hammiest work to try and provide the zany over the top energy Day so effortlessly brings to his typical performances.
Tess Thought (106): I’m sorry, Charlie, I love you so much
104. The Amazing Maurice
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 73%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Hulu
My only thought throughout one of the most boring and forgettable animated films I have ever seen:
Tess Thought (105): I just had a hankering for popcorn this day, so that’s why we unfortunately saw this.
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 48%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Netflix and Max
Where are the boys?! XXL let the full Magic Mike crew shine. For this follow up, they are exiled to a single Zoom call and replaced with a not believable for a second romance with Salma Hayek? Why is there narration from a British child? Director Steven Soderbergh cooks for a handful of all too brief sequences with some real Ocean’s caper energy but the only thing this crew stole was two hours of my life.
Tess Thought (110*): The makers of this film wanted to get in on the stripping and thus decided to strip everything good out of this third Magic Mike installment.
*Note: Tess’s total goes to 110 because she saw 2 additional movies on planes that Watt did not view this year and declined to rank one movie on this list. She ranked her additional views as follows:
You Hurt My Feelings (73)
80 For Brady (72)
102. Genie
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 31%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Peacock
Melissa McCarthy descends even further down the streaming pipeline from direct to HBO Max and Netflix with a direct to a Peacock Christmas movie where she plays, you guessed it, a genie. They could have called it, Three Thousand Years of Yawning. McCarthy should be wishing for a new agent.
Tess Thought (85): Yes very bad movie but Melissa McCarthy’s undeniable charm and charisma has to count for something.
101. Family Switch
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 41%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Netflix
McG (Charlie’s Angels, the worst Terminator movie) was born to direct Netflix movies that don’t even really exist but were somehow viewed 100 million times and cost way more to make than you could possibly imagine. This time instead of a pure 1:1 Freaky Friday situation, a whole family body swaps, and also it’s Christmas for algorithm reasons.
Tess Thought (86): An overwhelming number of current Notre Dame students (the 9 that I have spoken to about the matter) have no idea who Jennifer Garner is, and this is why Jen. This is why.
100-91: The Bear Did Cocaine
100. 65
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 35%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Netflix
Did this sit in the can for a decade because it certainly does seem like the movie you would see a supporting actor on an HBO show starring in, but not now after Adam Driver has become a bonafide movie star. For a film where a man with a high tech gun and a little girl make a trek across a planet overrun with dinosaurs, I sure spent much of the runtime wondering “Where the heck are all the dinos for him to shoot?!.” Whenever they do finally show up, it’s a very brief and lame interaction. This process is repeated every 10-15 minutes until the film mercifully reaches a halfway decent final encounter. When the My Spy girl showed up as the ill daughter Driver leaves behind for his big space mission, I knew we were set up for at least a half dozen tedious flashbacks.
Tess Thought (97): I don’t even remember seeing this movie.
99. You People
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 40%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Netflix
From the creator of Black-ish Kenya Barris, comes a race reversed Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner riff. Bernie Mac enthusiasts like myself, will be quick to point out this concept was already done way back in 2005. Dated racial dynamics aside, Julia Louis-Dreyfus scores some laughs as Jonah Hill’s “I would have voted Obama for a 3rd term” liberal mother stepping into landmines with her performative allyship. In an odd choice, Eddie Murphy plays the relative straight man as a devout Nation of Islam following father of Lauren London. It’s amusing at first but gets a bit repetitive as it spins its wheels rehashing the same initial jokes. Outside of a bizarre CGI final kiss, there is little to remember.
Tess Thought (102): Tough year for Netflix.
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 91%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Netflix
I’m not a big fan of nepotism but any project Adam Sandler has Netflix produce starring his surprisingly serviceable actress daughters Sadie and Sunny is one Iess David Spade and/or Rob Schneider vehicle foisted on the public. SNL’s Sarah Sherman getting some Sandler money was a plus as well.
Tess Thought (96): Kinda like Are You There, God? It’s Me, Margaret but not good.
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 32%
Where to Watch: Available for Rental
I have not played the video game series from which this is adapted so maybe there are some enjoyable nods for those fans to enjoy but this horror movie about a spooky Chuck E. Cheese was slow moving and low on frights. The story features several long drawn out reveals of twists that are somehow both bonkers and predictable. A number of these are even already spoiled by the trailer. Five nights seems like an awfully long time to spend at an obviously haunted child murder palace but this movie is chock full of characters just rolling with insane nonsense that only escalates from 31 year old Josh Hutcherson being bizarrely scripted as the older brother of an 8 year old girl.
Tess Thought (81): I support whatever keeps Matthew Lillard employed.
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 67%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Disney+
Things are always slower moving when they’re underwater but good lord does this thing drag. I could audibly hear the increasing boredom of the children around us once the crowd pleasing “Under The Sea” is exhausted. This live action adaptation expands the character of Prince Eric beyond just being generically handsome but to no real end. Who knows how many millions Javier Bardem made to stand lifeless in a green man suit flatly delivering his lines but he belongs in the check cashing hall of fame for his efforts. Halle Bailey does sing the shit out of “Part of Your World” which may explain why she was called on to do so 2-3 times. I had forgotten Lin Manuel Miranda helped pad this version until the horrific rap song for Awkafina’s talking bird hit.
Tess Thought (91): One star for “Kiss the Girl” and one for Prince Eric’s dimples.
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 61%
Where to Watch: Available for Rental
This is really not the series for me. I do not care for jukebox musicals especially when all the songs are mashups. This one features more secret relative reveals than an insipid Fantastic Beast movie. On the plus side, this one does not feature James Corden and helps Eric Andre continue to receive the SAG health care he needs to sustain his prank heavy lifestyle.
Tess Thought (63): These movies make me happy idc.
94. Cocaine Bear
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 66%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Amazon Prime
Back in 2016 Alden Ehrenreich looked like a huge rising star after giving a great comedic performance in the Coen Brothers’ Hail Caesar! and scoring a highly coveted lead role as young Han Solo. Now he’s 3rd billed in a movie about a bear that ate cocaine. Damn you meddlesome Kathleen Kennedy! There are a couple moments of madcap brilliance like its highlight ambulance chase or when the zonked out bear snoozes atop a drug dealer but the overall film is not quite zany enough to match its absurdist premise.
Tess Thought (78): Exactly what you’d expect.
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 52%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Amazon Prime and Paramount+
This is the 7th live action Transformers film, and it kind of splits the difference between the incoherent cacophony of digital noise from the Michael Bay films and the character driven storytelling of 2018’s 80’s set reboot/prequel Bumblebee. Splitting the timeline as well, this 90’s set entry is largely robots just repeating gibberish about space keys and what not while you wait for them to fire lasers and exchange fisticuffs. Lead human Anthony Ramos is very charismatic but you can only do so much while tasked with talking to a sentient semi truck and a goofy robot Pete Davidson.
Tess Thought (92): Racking my brain but can’t remember this movie in the slightest. All I can come up with is Anthony Ramos popping out of the transformer and heading straight into a strut, but that was in the trailer. Maybe I fell asleep.
92. Haunted Mansion
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 37%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Disney+
This movie is really dark. Not in terms of content or subject matter, I mean literally dark. I frequently had to squint during the screening to see what the hell is happening on screen. Movies used to be set at night and in dark and creepy places all the time with no such issues. There was a level of brightness and artificiality that was accepted for decades in film and television but somewhere along the line productions started deciding that you can only depict darkness in a manner where the audience themselves feels an urge to pull out a flashlight. This is a much more important issue to discuss than an undercooked horror comedy light on both laughs and scares. Listen, if you want to watch Lakeith Stanfield comedically explore a spooky mansion or Danny DeVito charm in a supporting role, FX programming already has you covered.
Tess Thought (59): I did cry.
91. Expend4bles
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 14%
Where to Watch: Available for Rental
A franchise that was once a repository for action mega stars of yore now barely squeezes a cameo out of series patriarch Sylvester Stallone and gives poster slots to 50 Cent and Andy Garcia. It isn’t just the casting budget that has been slashed for this installment as it features some of the most atrocious green screen and CGI effects put on screen since Spawn. The plane the crew flies its missions in looks like it was made on a Commodore 64.
Tess Thought (82): Time to give these a rest.
90-81: Boo To Goo and Woo
90. Champions
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 59%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Amazon Prime
This very by the numbers underdog sports comedy gets a bit creaky at times but I do really appreciate director Bobby Farrelly’s longstanding support of Special Olympics. His genuine desire to showcase the personalities of some outstanding intellectually disabled actors and athletes carries the formulaic film to some heartwarming moments. Woody Harrelson and Kaitlin Olson do their best to wring some laughs from the hacky script as well.
Tess Thought (70): Delightful at times!
89. Leo
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 82%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Netflix
Adam Sandler takes a second crack at an animated musical 20 years after the poorly received Eight Crazy Nights. A tilt towards family friendly and the addition of frequent SNL writing partner Robert Smigel (aka Triumph the Insult Comic Dog) give this an edge over its PG-13 predecessor. There are countless generic songs at way too frequent a clip but the musical element is worth it for the surreal touches like Jason Alexander having an elaborate number take place largely offscreen and Sandler’s talking lizard singing a heartfelt song to a child about crying being annoying and lame.
Tess Thought (103): I liked the kindergarteners.
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 72%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Amazon Prime
Coming from a script co-written by Allison Brie and her husband Dave Franco (who also directs), the film provides nice character work for Brie but does not build much of a story around her. After a chance encounter back in her hometown, Brie’s character impulsively attempts to break up the pending marriage of a former fling. There is a solid supporting ensemble including a very well cast Julie Hagerty as Brie’s mother, the always welcome Sam Richardson, and even a mini Community reunion with Danny Pudi on hand. Over the course of the narrative however, the bride (Kiersey Clemons) and groom (Jay Ellis) barely interact and don’t seem like a great pairing so you genuinely begin to wonder if maybe Brie’s headcase was actually in the right.
Tess Thought (99): Lost interest after maybe 20 minutes.
87. Fair Play
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 85%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Netflix
Two junior staff members at a cutthroat investment firm carry on a secret romantic relationship. The dynamics of this relationship cataclysmically shift when one earns a lucrative promotion. Eventually the movie gets around to being the sleazy The War of the Roses style cat and mouse game it seems set up for. The build up takes far too much time for disdain to form while the audience instead spends a lot of repetitive time watching a bunch of coked up stock jockey degenerates placing high priced bets with other people’s money in order to please the abusive overlord of a boss they all aspire to be. A lead role for Alden Ehrenreich though! He’s back on the ladder to success!
Tess Thought (95): Not what I was expecting nor what I was wanting.
86. Silent Night
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 58%
Where to Watch: Available for Rental
There were a few points where I thought this film was gonna go Blue Ruin and say, “You know what, a humble electrician can't actually just go on a successful murder death kill rampage to avenge his slain son after a few pullups and some Youtube tutorials.” Then Joel Kinnaman executed a sick motorcycle slide in a leather duster and I thought, “Even better, we are going full Woo!” Unfortunately legendary director John Woo’s first American production in 20 years doesn’t really commit to either path and just ends up being a gimmicky dialogue free Death Wish lacking the sparks figurative and literal (most of those iconic John Woo shootouts legitimately look like they take place in firework factories) that decades ago made Woo one of the greatest action filmmakers of all time. Disheartening as it is to see a master in decline, this still contains worthwhile moments like a teardrop to bullet shot transition that call to mind a wily veteran pitcher getting one last nasty curveball past the corner of the plate.
Tess Thought (98): Biggest disappointment of the year hands down.
85. Migration
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 72%
Where to Watch: Still In Some Theaters and Available On Demand
This is very middle of the road animated family fare complete with an end scene dance party but it is not without its charm. The big draw is Danny DeVito as a slovenly uncle duck. The film did remind me that the now defunct Chinese restaurant Shangri-La on Robert St. in West St. Paul had a delicious Peking Duck.
Tess Thought (61): Danny DeVito always making me want a sandwich.
84. Infinity Pool
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 87%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Hulu
Goo producers of the world rejoice for another banner year with a Cronenberg delivering more psychosexual thrills. Listen, if your spooky movie has a crane shot where the camera rotates upside down you’ve got goodwill from me.
There is some really great framing and match cuts early too but the increasingly messy second half burned a lot of those style points for director Brandon, son of David. Working from his own script Cronenberg places the handsomest Skarsgard in a posh European resort with a dark underbelly to take satirical aim at the rich. Given recent history, it’s not quite earth shaking to point out that the wealthy commit debauchery on the backs of the impoverished with comfort in knowing they can buy their way out of any consequences. Cronenberg gets a bit lost in the sauce of just depicting the depravity rather than doing any further examination or commentary. My main insightful pull was never ever do drugs with Mia Goth.
Tess Thought (101): No thank you.
83. Plane
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 78%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Starz
A decent enough buddy action picture where pilot Gerard Butler teams up with escaped fugitive Mike Colter (Luke Cage) to take down a warlord after their commercial flight makes an emergency landing on a rebel forces infested island. For a film whose simplistic title promises some big dumb fun there’s not quite enough time spent with the muscly boys bonding to establish much of a rapport. There are however some solid skirmishes including a nice oner when Butler has his first skirmish with a separatist soldier, Colter busting dudes up with a hefty sledge hammer, and a high caliber rifle tearing through everything in sight in a decent final shootout. I wish it had stuck to the action a bit more instead of constantly cutting back to Butler’s daughter hanging out in Hawaii and a boardroom where Butler’s airline bosses coordinate a mercenary led rescue. Apparently every legroom fee Spirit airlines hits you with is funding a crack black ops team they keep on retainer.
Tess Thought (76): If you go in with very, very low expectations, this will exceed them!
82. The Boogeyman
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 60%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Hulu
This Stephen King short story adaptation is a serviceable “unprocessed grief is the real monster” movie we’ve seen a lot of lately. Sophie Thatcher from Yellow Jackets does well with what she has to work with but the script is riddled with some really terrible decision making by all the characters, even by the logic stretching standards of most fright flicks. The most egregious of which is widowed father Chris Messina practicing psychiatry out of his family home. David Dastmalchian is so haunting as a disturbed man that visits for some psychiatric care, you really wish he got more than a single scene to work with. The titular creature is sparingly glimpsed but well designed and deploys some chilling voice mimicry lifted from Annihilation. The monster's affinity for lurking in the shadows also sets up some fun sequences where aptly named horror director Rob Savage gets to play with lighting.
Tess Thought (93): I should’ve counted how many times I checked the clock during this 99 minute runtime.
81. Wish
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 48%
Where to Watch: Available for Rental, Streaming on Disney+ soon
Wish tells the long clamored for convoluted origin story of the star that is wished upon in that one song from Pinocchio they use in ads for Disneyland. The star is apparently the center of the heretofore unconnected animated Disneyverse. I would like a word with whoever introduced the concepts of canon or shared universe to the zeitgeist because it is absolutely exhausting. Not everything made needs to tie into something else. I get that it’s the 100th anniversary of Disney but a celebration of that cultural juggernaut shouldn’t just mean shoehorning in references to other beloved properties and calling it a day. The one aspect that does properly honor Disney’s century of reinvention and innovation is the animators taking the fairly stale Frozen style computer animation and tossing in backgrounds reminiscent of the company’s original hand drawn classics.
Tess Thought (77): Ryan: “How soon did you clock the 7 dwarves?” Me: “The what? What do you mean?” Clearly whatever this movie was trying to do was completely lost on me. However I must give props to my girl Julia Michaels for writing some bops and to Chris Pine for being absolutely wonderful at everything he does.
80-71: Is This Canon?
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 27%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Netflix and Max
The second entry in the mega killer shark saga is significantly more keenly aware than its predecessor that Jason Statham stars in the series so you can have him punch people and shoot things while delivering quips. In a cruel trade off, for over an hour it seems to oddly forget it is a giant sea monster movie until a ridiculous and ridiculously enjoyable third act. Why can’t they make these movies out of the last 30 min of the movie where Statham is flying around on a jet ski chucking explosive spears and calling people “chum”? Let Neveldine/Taylor direct The Meg 3D you cowards.
Tess Thought (56): Jason Statham being Jason Statham. Sign me up every time. Don’t care if he’s with sharks, bees, whatever. I’ll be there.
79. Good Grief
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 75%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Netflix
Hot off the success of Schitt’s Creek Daniel Levy signed a lucrative development deal with Netflix. He came out swinging with a directorial debut working from his first ever screenplay that gives himself both a change of pace dramatic role as a grieving widower and an extended paid vacation to Paris where he gets to smooch in front of Monet paintings. The film itself is pretty meh, as a likable cast (Himesh Patel and as I just learned from this movie, a very Irish Ruth Negga) mostly exchange greeting card wisdom on love and loss rather than any real profound emotional examination. However, the finesse to get it funded has to be admired.
Tess Thought (74): I wanted to be moved a lot more than I was.
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 70%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Netflix
This film was quite a bit darker with a lot more serious subject matter than anticipated from the broad grumpy old man humor present in the trailer. A remake of a 2015 Swedish film, it also essentially recreates Gran Torino but instead of a Korean War vet, here the protagonist is a veteran of the HOA. Tom Hanks is a beloved national treasure but he really sells Otto’s crusty curmudgeon exterior. Mariana Trevino is lovely as his new neighbor that refuses to accept his grouch behavior and chisels away at it to reveal the big ole softie inside. Hank’s son Truman plays Otto in a series of flashbacks and let’s just say Colin is very safe at the top of the son of Hanks power rankings.
Tess Thought (46): Truman needs a new career path. We can’t all inherit the family business, son.
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 49%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Netflix and Max
By featuring wall to wall superhero action as the super powered Shazamily faces off with the daughters of Greek Titan Atlas (Helen Miren and Lucy Liu in securing payments for vacation homes mode), this sequel significantly reduces the human elements core to the first film. Cutting the non-powered screen time given to the kids and group home dynamic subtracts a lot of the charm that made the first Shazam! a fun change of pace from the more dour DC outings. The teen version of Billy Batson is barely in this movie so the personality split is less jarring but I don’t like Zach Levi’s snarky dudebro schtick that doesn’t really align with the street tough orphan alter ego Asher Angel portrays. While Adam Brody does make an appealing super sidekick, Jack Dylan Glazer (IT) is by far the most compelling actor in these so thankfully he does lose his powers for a sizable portion. Director David F. Sandberg tosses in a few gnarly flourishes but try as he might, he simply does not have the juice of original horror to hero helmer Sam Raimi.
Tess Thought (66): Scraping the absolute bottom of the barrel for villains these days.
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 64%
Where to Watch: Available for Rental
I’m pretty sure I’d only ever previously seen the first Jennifer Lawrence led Hunger Games movies so I didn’t come in particularly intrigued by the origin story of that series’s elderly antagonist. Luckily mercurial teen gladiators fighting to the death to quench the bloodlust of a previously war torn nation is an entertaining dystopian premise and Viola Davis plays a cackling evil scientist so I was down. I haven't read the book but even at a bloated 2.5 hours, this seemed like one of those adaptations where the script condenses the narrative for the run time but still tries to jam in all the key plot points. There are several moments that don’t quite add up and feel noticeably robbed of some sort of build up or connective tissue the novel may have contained. Perhaps one of the half dozen or so full songs Rachel Zegler sings in a theater kid twang could have been excised to instead develop some clearer character motivations.
Tess Thought (71): SO long yet feels so rushed. The worst possible combination. The only thing worse than Rachel Zegler is Rachel Zegler with a twang. :/
75. The Marvels
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 62%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Disney+
I mean about as coherent and tonally consistent as you could expect from the sequel to both a movie and two entirely separate television miniseries that slips in plenty of acknowledgement of other coexisting properties. The nominal lead, Brie Larson’s Captain Marvel, is a secondary character and the emotional beats are all given to the tertiary lead. There are fun moments, particularly during the place swapping scuffles but you can feel whole scenes being removed and inserted based on fluctuating corporate demands and release date shuffles. I’ll still keep drinking that garbage but this whole operation might be truly busted. Marvel is out here making TV shows that are just 3 hr. movies cut into 30 min. chunks and movies that feel like special supersized 2 hr. episodes of an ongoing series rather than standalone narratives. The master plan going forward is based around establishing parallel realities to slowly fold in characters from an even more convoluted superhero universe? I feel bad for director Nia Decosta who had very interesting visual flourishes in her enjoyable Candyman reboot but is now going to get this generic Marvel studio house style flop pinned on her like a scarlet letter.
Tess Thought (84): I don’t have superhero fatigue but I simply cannot get behind the little girl Avengers. I can’t stand Ms. Marvel. I also hate cats. This is not for me.
74. The Flash
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 63%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Max
A Flash movie had been in development hell for almost 20 years. At least 5 different directors were attached to the project to some degree with countless others like Jordan Peele and Sam Raimi reportedly declining lucrative offers to adapt DC’s 4th most popular superhero, guy who is very fast. 13 different writers received some form of credit for the current screenplay. Ezra Miller was cast as the lead all the way back in 2014. During that time 184 episodes, 9 whole seasons, of an unrelated Flash tv show were successfully produced by the CW. With Warner Bros president David Zaslav Thanos snapping films out of existence left and right for tax write offs, it really is a small miracle this financial boondoggle ever saw the light of day even before considering the irrevocable damage to our current timeline Miller seemed hellbent on inflicting during a 2 year post production (see their extensive “Legal Issue” wikipedia section). Was it worth those countless hours of folks sweatily explaining the time traveling/multiverse manipulating properties of the “speed force” to the glazed over eyes of an endless array of ever changing studio executives? Some parts of it are! The opening sequence is cartoony fun complete with some fellow justice leaguers catching bank robbers while a calorically challenged Flash saves some grotesquely computer animated babies. The Michael Keaton old Batman stuff works like gangbusters and probably plays even better had it not been spoiled to death by the trailers forced to market a movie with a metaphorically canceled star set in a literally canceled cinematic universe. Unfortunately a near equal amount stinks. Unsurprisingly given the elongated process of its creation, but the script’s tone is all over the place. Director Andy Muschietti really wants to get a good needle drop moment but all attempts are pretty bad. This is me looking for whoever decided to utterly waste the bug eyed and shouty talents of Michael Shannon in a slept through Zod reappearance as a half ass antagonist:
Tess Thought (65): I enjoy Ezra Miller’s Barry as a side character. I do not enjoy Ezra Miller’s Barry as BOTH of the two main characters.
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 73%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Netflix
I am not a big rom-com guy but this one has a few things going for it. First off, Ben Hardy, whom no one may remember as playing Angel in X-Men: Apocalypse and Haley Lu Richardson fresh off The White Lotus prove to be appealing leads. More importantly the writers added just enough melancholy along the periphery of the narrative to bump it out of the standard sickly sweet disposable Netflix copy pasted formula. These same writers however bizarrely did not write comedian Rob Delaney a single joke.
Tess Thought (57): Sweet but also sneaky sad.
72. Anyone But You
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 53%
Where to Watch: Still in Some Theaters and Available On Demand
In the wake of a scene stealing supporting role in Top Gun: Maverick, Glen Powell emerged as one of Hollywood's highest potential young stars. True believers in Everybody Wants Some!! like me, know this is long overdue but Powell is finally given his big studio rom-com anointing as a big deal charming handsome man on the scene. The film from Easy A director Will Gluck is an amicable enough loose riff on Much Ado About Nothing where deceit and chicanery lead to genuine feelings between good looking people. GaTa from Dave gets to interact with a koala. Sydney Sweeney was also present on set.
Tess Thought (69): Anyone but Sydney Sweeney. This could be a delightful romcom if she had an iota of personality or inflexion in her voice.
71. Next Goal Wins
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 44%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Disney+ and Hulu
Were this any more formulaic it would have been presented by Nestle USA but far be it from me a devoted fan of The Mighty Ducks franchise to disparage any crowd pleasing underdog sports comedy. Loosely adapting the tale of the American Samoan soccer team’s efforts to redeem years of humiliating defeats by winning a qualification game for the 2014 World Cup, Next Goal Wins delivers the tried and true beats well enough to overcome some clunky tonal shifts. Similarly it contains just enough genuine chuckles to offset the mugging clunkers that are becoming increasing staples of director/writer Taika Waititi’s work. The most grating of these lame duck bits is an unfunny doofy voiced extended cameo from the man himself. Luckily significantly more screen time is given over to fellow kiwi Oscar Knightley whose Head of the Football Federation of American Samoa is a much more endearing fount of positivity.
Tess Thought (60): Not terrible but certainly not up to snuff in a world where Ted Lasso exists.
70-61: I Would Dust Him In A Lap
70. Gran Turismo
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 65%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Netflix
I really need someone to clarify whether the entire world is saying it wrong or no one ever bothered to tell Orlando Bloom how to pronounce Nissan in a film that is essentially Product Placement: Based On A True Marketing Campaign. Despite that inauspicious premise, through pure brute force David Harbour somehow wills this limp and generically told underdog sports movie to competency. Director Neil Blomkamp (District 9) made his mark with a wunderkind eye for visuals and the film is at its best when letting him go wild with sweeping helicopter shots and ground level racing action. Some of the visual flourishes do lean a bit too much into the “Wow racing is just like this actual video game you could go buy in stores now!” but the real life story it draws from is just crazy enough to hold intrigue.
Tess Thought (58): I actually really enjoyed this, but it’s not quite worth “I would dust him in a lap!” becoming a regular exclamation in Ryan’s vernacular.
69. Totally Killer
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 87%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Amazon Prime
Totally Killer gives the same slasherfication to Back to the Future that 2020’s Freaky gave to Freaky Friday. A centrifuge amusement ride set showdown and some good laughs like a running gag about how much more laissez-faire school policies were in the 80’s help carry a so-so script full of references to other better movies. Was this movie’s rating slightly inflated by it giving The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across The Eighth Dimension a small shoutout? You tell my flimsy excuse to share the greatest end credit sequence of all time:
I’m not alone in thinking that movie rules, Wes Anderson explicitly ripped this sequence for Life Aquatic.
Tess Thought (75): It’s no Freaky, but who doesn’t enjoy a nice comedy slasher?
68. Inside
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 62%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Amazon Prime
After a heist goes wrong, a burglar finds himself trapped inside the high end loft of a big time New York art collector. The film follows the thief’s struggles to find an escape route and means of sustenance in the tightly secured and sparsely stocked pad. Does he descend into madness or is the thief just played by Willem Dafoe? There is probably some deeper metaphor at play but I just enjoyed watching one of the world’s finest actors flex his substantial chops in an extended one man show.
Tess Thought (89): Not the uplifting flick we should’ve watched while stuck at home with Covid.
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 81%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Hulu
This alien invasion tale is an interesting incredibly dialogue sparse experiment with 5 total words spoken. Kaitlyn Devers gives a powerhouse performance with shock and terror on her face, while delivering some panicked grunts and heavy breathing. It becomes apparent fairly early on this is another one of those “the real monster is the trauma you carry with you” spooky movies that have grown a bit stale (#82) but I enjoyed the literal monsters. The creature design gives some interesting variations to the fairly classic “big eyed green guy” alien. This could be taken as good or bad but for my money it also contains the least predictable ending of any film this year.
Tess Thought (80): Unmemorable.
66. Quiz Lady
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 81%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Hulu
This story of an antisocial accountant and her ne’er-do-well older sister scheming to win a quiz show to settle their mother’s staggering gambling debts plays like a good old fashioned mid 00’s studio comedy with just a pinch of extra heart. Grabbing two popular formulas of that era, it’s an underdog story and a road trip comedy complete with zany side characters, a hallucinogenic drug sequence, and even features the star of many such affairs, Will Ferrell in a surprisingly subdued Alex Trebek riff. The jokes are a bit hit or miss but there are some decent laughs carried by the strong chemistry between Awkwafina and Sandra Oh as the aforementioned sisters. A now poignant cameo I won't spoil bumps it a bit up the list for me as well
Tess Thought (54): Made me want to play charades real bad.
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 59%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Netflix
For better or worse, the film delivers exactly what would be expected from a video game adaptation by the animation studio that introduced The Minions to the world. The movie moves so quickly and is so jam packed full of set pieces and nostalgic references to various iterations of a personally beloved series, so I didn’t have time to dwell on its significant story shortcomings for too long. The Chris Pratt voice casting as an Italian icon was what drew internet ire upon announcement but Seth Rogen does not even try to do a Donkey Kong voice that varies even minutely from his normal speaking voice. Jack Black is unsurprisingly the cast standout and makes a meal out of a nothing villain role as Bowser getting to sing a fun and catchy song about his love for Princess Peach. Speaking of songs, the score, largely lifted directly from the games, is a good reminder of how many absolute bangers exist in the Mario pantheon.
Tess Thought (55): It has my two favorite things! Seth Rogen’s giggle and the musical stylings of Jack Black.
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 51%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Starz
Despite multiple release delays bizarrely related to the war in Ukraine and being burdened by an all time terrible title, OF:RDG turned out to be a solid film. It is essentially director Guy Ritchie’s B-movie version of Mission Impossible. The international spy plot is very convoluted but a little light on surprises. The cast carries it as Aubrey Plaza turns on the sass in a sidekick role, Hugh Grant does a goofy voice as an arms dealer, and Ritchie’s muse Jason Statham kills a lot of dudes which is all you ever really need him to do. I think Ritchie took an absolute bath on that King Arthur movie no one saw because he has been working at an uncharacteristically brisk clip pumping out 5 movies since the start of 2019 with a 6th dropping in April. For a couple action shots Ritchie appears to have mounted a GoPro style camera on top of Statham’s gun as he mows down some baddies which doesn’t look especially aesthetically pleasing but I commend the experimental effort that shows that while he may be bankrupt monetarily, creatively he is far from it.
Tess Thought (47):
63. Renfield
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 58%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Amazon Prime
A film focused on Dracula’s titular manservant bizarrely ends up being a fairly generic buddy cop movie between Nicholas Hoult’s Renfield and Awkafina. However, the affair is livened up immensely both by some over the top gore reminiscent of screenwriter Robert Kirkman’s Invincible series and by Nicolas Cage’s show stealing turn as the legendary count. Comedian Ben Schwartz is a welcome addition as well in an ancillary villain role as a cowardly drug lord. It doesn’t always click but it is a lot more in the zany fun wheelhouse of director Chris McKay (The Lego Batman Movie, Robot Chicken) than his last outing, the oddly by the numbers sci-fi action flick The Tomorrow War.
Tess thought (41): Totally unexpected. I hate gore more than anybody and I still had a fabulous time.
62. Blue Beetle
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 78%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Max
The Jamie Reyes iteration of Blue Beetle adapted here from the DC comics is basically Iron Man by way of Venom as a sentient alien combat suit bonds with a teenage boy (Cobra Kai’s Xolo Maridueña). Similarly the film cribs heavily from about a dozen other superhero origin movies that came before it but executes the formula well while adding a little flare. It brings some overdue representation to the capes and cowls affairs with an extensively latino cast and crew supported by a latin flavored soundtrack and barrio setting. Damn near Toretto levels of importance are given to familia which adds some heart and gets some laughs out of having an adorable abuela in on the action. Susan Sarandon plays a cartoonishly evil rich white lady villain who spouts casual racism to make her comeuppance even more satisfying. I certainly did not foresee the School of the America’s factoring into the plot of a movie where George Lopez makes a giant robot beetle fart but it navigates those dangerous tonal shifts amicably enough to keep the crowd pleased.
Tess Thought (38): This put The Flash, Shazam! Fury of the Gods, and Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania to shame.
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 76%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Hulu
Director Kenneth Branagh is an odd shot selection connoisseur, never encountering an angle he can’t dutch up a bit. With the spooky twist on his latest Poirot mystery, it actually works for once instead of just provoking one to wonder which of Branagh’s family members were previously slain by a well leveled tripod. In the ultimate dual director/lead actor move at one point he attaches a steadicam to himself and points the lens at his own face. This doesn’t dilly dally like the previous year’s Poirot yarn Death on the Nile and gets right to the murders. Instead of cannibals, anti-vaxxers, and worst of all Gal Gadot, this film’s cast is full of reliable bit players like newly minted Academy Award winner Michelle Yeoh, Tina Fey doing an old timey writer voice see, and the precocious youth from Branagh’s Belfast. Of Branagh’s three recent Agatha Christie adaptations (Murder on the Orient Express is fine), this is the strongest.
Tess Thought (48): These movies are fun and twisty.
60-51: I’m Going To Kill Aquaman and Destroy Everything He Holds Dear
60. Strays
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 53%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Amazon Prime
Universal Pictures has to be kicking themselves for using Good Boys as the title of their other vulgar comedy featuring Will Forte and typically wholesome leads instead of this R rated Homeward Bound. Much like its foul mouthed brethren, this film is solid with a good bit of heart beyond all the talk of humping and biting dicks off. That shouldn’t come as much of a surprise as it was directed by Josh Greenbaum, helmer of the delightful Barb and Star Go To Vista Del Mar and written by Dan Perrault, the creator of the brilliant American Vandal streaming series which similarly mixed juvenile humor with genuine poignancy. Will Ferrell has done some great voice work before and is back in his comfortable Elf range playing a sweet earnestly dumb dog abandoned by his owner. His canine compatriots are equally well cast with Jamie Foxx voicing a street wise terrier, Randall Park providing his soothing tones to a gentle giant great dane, and a never more Australian Isla Fisher dubbing a shepard. Not all the jokes land but there are some very funny riffs on recent tearjerker dog films.
*FULL DISCLOSURE: We saw this at a Universal preview screening where they handed out free branded fanny packs so I came into the viewing pre-giddy*
Tess Thought (64): I obviously preferred our Universal preview screening of Trolls Band Together, as I am now the proud owner of a free Bro Zone t-shirt. Regrettably I left the trolls wigs for the children.
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 34%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Max
The plot is absolute gibberish, large swaths of it look like dogshit, every single shoehorned in joke is a groaner, Aquaman gets urinated on multiple times, there are several animal sidekicks, the evil henchmen have ridiculous matching scuba suits they wear at all times, and scenes are cut within an inch of their lives to jump directly from set piece to set piece. I had an absolute blast! Jason Mamoa is a lovable galoot and they had him doing donuts on a motorcycle for no reason. The purely revenge driven villain Black Manta returns from the first movie with a synth theme and an upgraded costume that looks cool as hell. It provides the exact dumb fun some of these comic books movies should be shooting for instead of building convoluted interconnected worlds.
Tess Thought (39): I was really in the mood for all of the brother stuff after seeing The Iron Claw the day before.
58. Sharper
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 69%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Apple TV+
An appealing cast (Julianne Moore, Sebastian Stan, John Lithgow) and also Justice Smith pull off a Russian nesting doll of con jobs. Sometimes I enjoy some good obvious twists so I can feel like the smartest boy in all the land when I correctly predict them. Have you already seen and enjoyed The Sting, Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, or that episode of King of the Hill with Jeff Goldblum? You will likely find some amusement in the breezy battle of wits at play here.
Tess Thought (32): I on the other hand was floored by the twists and had a wonderful time. I’m not trying to piece anything together, I’m just here for the ride.
57. Eileen
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 83%
Where to Watch: Available for Rental
I suppose this could be construed as a bit of a spoiler but I was laying down on the couch watching this movie and a late twist was so shocking it legitimately made me bolt upright into a seated position. Set in 1960’s Boston so everyone gets to try their best Good Will Hunting voice, the film follows a shy awkward young woman (Thomasin McKenzie) working at a juvenile corrections facility who becomes enamored with the new psychologist on staff. Anne Hathaway provides a nice discount Cate Blanchett performance as that femme fatale psychologist. Shea Whigham, the hardest working character actor in Hollywood (4 movies, 3 miniseries and a supporting role on Perry Mason this year alone) is rewarded with a role where he mostly gets to sit in a recliner and get helped into bed as Thomasin’s disgraced alcoholic former police chief father.
Tess Thought (36): I knew the gist of the twist going in (hate when that happens), but I quickly forgot everything I knew and was as shocked as if I had known nothing (love that).
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 81%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Netflix
I love stop motion animation and the claymation of Aardman Animation is the gold standard. As a big Wallace and Gromit guy, I remember seeing the original Chicken Run in theaters as a kid and quite enjoying it. The sequel is still an enjoyable family friendly adventure but it doesn’t quite capture the magic. Some of the loss may come down to the absence of writer and director Nick Park, replaced here by Sam Fell who steered Aardman’s fine but forgettable foray into computer animation Flushed Away. Whereas the original was a prison escape movie a la The Great Escape, this time the team is staging a Mission Impossible style caper into a state of the art chicken nugget factory complete with laser guided duck guards. While the animation remains a sight to behold, the story and genre homage are not quite as tight. I am however very excited to see that Park will return for a recently announced 2nd Wallace & Gromit feature film.
Tess Thought (can’t rank it): While this movie was on my television I think I ate some mac and cheese and gave Winnie some belly rubs and then the movie was over and I don’t know if I ever really looked at the screen or not.
55. Elemental
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 74%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Disney+
Slots the elements of earth, wind, fire and water into the “what if x were like humans” formula Pixar has utilized previously for toys, bugs, fish, monsters, and even metaphysic concepts like emotions and human souls. The results are pretty good which unfortunately feels a bit disappointing when it comes to the Pixar quality standard. The narrative here is a pretty straight forward opposites attract rom-com between a girl made of fire and a boy made of water with some nice stuff about the pressures placed on 2nd generation immigrants taking place along the side. The plights of interracial dating is kind of odd to center your children’s movie premise on but it is examined under the lens of the timeless Disney dilemma of juggling the expectations of your parents while becoming your own best self. The fire and water people are pretty cool looking as well. Casting Joe Pera to deal with city ordinances is a very nice touch. The Carl’s Date short featuring the characters Mr. Frederickson and Dugg from Up shown before the feature was definitely the highlight for me.
Tess Thought (37): They catered to me by incorporating Moira Rose AND a new Lauv song. I loved the animation, I loved the story, I love love.
54. Wonka
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 82%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Max
Here is where I shamefully admit I have not ever actually seen writer/director Paul King’s rapturously received Paddington films so I’m not sure how this more musical effort compares. Wonka is ultimately a whimsical and fairly delightful family film about the powers of dreams and friendship but were I to make a more explicitly musical prequel to Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, I would try to avoid including the most iconic song from the original film that blows my mediocre melodies out of the water. Timothee Chalamet’s Wonka is largely more charming than weirdo but he mixes in some mugging and tics to establish a nice baseline zaniness. This Willy unfortunately lacks anything hinting at the more sardonic and iconic Gene Wilder characterization but perhaps Wonka becomes more jaded after years of factory work and secret formula theft. While none of the serviceable musical numbers are especially memorable there are some strong visual gags throughout, particularly a chocolate addicted copper played by Keegan-Michael Key with a Violet Beauregarde level expanding waistline.
Tess Thought (52): I do think every song should’ve been cut.
53. Beau is Afraid
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 67%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Paramount+ and Showtime
Director Ari Aster follows up the sublime horrors of Hereditary and Midsommar with what he pitched as a “nightmare comedy.” The first hour does work like gangbusters as a pitch black comedy set inside the terrifying warped reality of an anxiety riddled man. Joaquin Phoenix plays the titular Beau who leaves the knife wielding vagrant filled city to begin a surreal odyssey to see his mother. Nathan Lane and Amy Ryan do strong work as a kindly but uniquely off couple that takes him in for a bit after an accident along the way. The second hour lost me quite a bit as things drifted firmly into knockoff Michael Gondry and Charlie Kaufman territory with a weird stage play and animation mixing interlude. Things snap back a bit with an absolute go for broke surreal twist filled final act. The film doesn’t have enough going on to justify its full Lawrence of Arabia style 3 hour runtime but Phoenix’s performance definitely captures overwhelming fear for the full 179 minutes.
Tess Thought (94): The first ¼, maybe ⅓, of the movie had me thoroughly invested and I thought ah yes, this is me enjoying complex cinema.
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 46%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Disney+
The first two Ant-man films were fairly slight affairs compared to some of the galaxy saving adventures in the Marvel Universe but they were done well and received positively (83% and 87% respectively on Rotten Tomatoes). Despite the warm reception of the minor series, director Peyton Reed was sick of making low key heist comedies and demanded an Avengers level movie. Evidently Disney said, “Best we can do is get one of the Rick and Morty writers (Jeff Loveness) to make a discount Star Wars.” Instead of just pulling snazzy size-altering capers with his amusing pals, this Ant-Man is shrunk down to the subatomic “Quantum Realm” and tasked with learning more about multiverses, variants, and alternate timelines, which are all very lame. I do however enjoy both Rick and Morty and mid-tier chaotic sci-fi fare with shouting villains like The Fifth Element, and have an undying admiration for Paul Rudd’s work in I Love You, Man so I probably tolerated this mixed bag a lot more than most.
Tess Thought (68): The weakest installment of the weakest Marvel trilogy. And the visuals were garbage.
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 56%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Amazon Prime
In the most complimentary manner possible, this would be the film produced if you tasked a Monster energy drink with writing a Mission Impossible movie. There are way too many plotlines and characters to keep track of but they are all doing mostly cool shit in cars or fist fighting. For someone whose greatest fear is harm coming to his chosen “family”, Vin Diesel’s Dom Toretto sure likes adding every single person he has ever encountered into it. Jason Mamoa is easily the series best villain as a cartoony psychopath out for revenge. He plays a heretofore unseen son of the drug lord from Fast Five who evidently suffered a traumatic brain injury that transformed him into essentially the Joker but more offensively flamboyant. It is pretty annoying that this ends on a big cliffhanger but not as frustrating as the studio dropping the ball on titling it Fast Ten Your Seatbelt.
Tess Thought (67): The worst of the series. We can’t continue to longingly look at photos of Paul Walker while “See You Again” plays and continue with this “he’s retired” narrative.
50-41: That Brother Is Starving
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 58%
Where to Watch: Available for Rental, Your grandpa will have a DVD copy soon
I know George Clooney has tequila money but it is truly bizarre that one of the last great true movie stars has more or less resigned to just directing workmanlike adaptations of whatever book he just read. He worked on a half dozen movies with the Coen brothers and Steven Soderbergh and somewhere along the way decided “You know what?, I’d really like to be Gavin O’Connor (Miracle, The Way Back).” The one thing he does bring to this project is an eye for stars and I think Cullum Turner will be a bright shining one. I did not recall him in the slightest from the dreadful Fantastic Beast sequels but he's got something here. He has a timeless handsome look like a young Richard Gere with a squinty wry smile. He currently has second billing to Austin Butler in Apple TV’s quite good Band of Brothers of the sky, Masters of the Air. He’s been seen out with Dua Lipa! That’s “Movie Star” material.
Tess Thought (49): Triggered some PTSD from my own collegiate rowing tryout/walk-on experience which was exactly the same except instead of going to the Olympics, I quit the night before the first regatta and had to give all my free gear back.
49. The Color Purple
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 82%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Max
Here we have a film adaptation of the hit 2005 Broadway musical adaptation of the hit 1985 film adaptation of Alice Walker’s hit 1982 book. The awards bait performances are genuinely fantastic, particularly a powerful Fantasia Barrino who played the lead role briefly on Broadway as well. A bold move to have Barrino play a seamstress when you know damn well her pipes are going to blow those of the professional singer character played by Taraji P. Henson out of the water. This was my first experience with the oft told story but strictly going off vibes and reading the wikipedia pages after, I sensed some shortcomings I believe to have come more from the form of adaptation than from the original story. Translation across various mediums while adding in musical numbers understandably would lead to some condensing of a narrative where a character suffers near Precious levels of unspeakable hardship after unspeakable hardship. Because of this compaction, even across two plus hours, everything seems a bit rushed. The redemption for those who wrong her especially seems to come far too easy.
Tess Thought (51): Hearing Fantasia Barrino say “Nettie” will just about crack your heart in half.
48. Maestro
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 80%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Netflix
Boy oh boy that Bradley Cooper is positively parched for an Academy Award after being shut out for his genuinely fantastic directorial and acting work in 2018’s A Star Is Born. As director he dusts off black and white and the Academy ratio while he and cinematographer Matthew Libatique cook up some interesting and well done transitions. These flourishes of flair aside, much of the movie just feels like a collection of award show reels with Cooper and Carey Mulligan having a mid-atlantic accent off as they tell conductor/composer Leonard Bernstein’s life story through the lens of his marriage to actress Felicia Montealegre Cohn. Some excellent old man makeup and mimicry by Cooper, who intensely studied the conductor’s movements, create an impressive facsimile of Bernstein but the film doesn’t really dig into what made man the man tick beyond just having affairs with young men in his orbit, ripping cigs, and sloshing low ball glasses of brown liquor around. I’m not uncultured, I’ve seen both “Long Haired Hare” and “Baton Bunny.” I know the power of a great conductor but the film doesn’t do a great job of contextualizing what made Bernstein so important to 20th century music or why it is popping in on certain moments. Instead the entire narrative essentially boils this complex and historically significant man into this old Norm Macdonald bit:
Tess Thought (88): A real snooze fest. Hated the script and could not have cared less about this guy.
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 70%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Disney+
Much like the digitally de-aged Harrison Ford that features heavily in an extended opening action sequence, this latest Indiana Jones adventure is a pretty fun approximation but if you stare at it a bit too long you start to get a wonky feeling. It always baffles me that they spend millions working on a digital face but not nearly as much audio effort to make Ford not sound like an 80 year old man. It is more than a bit on the nose to have a plot centered around a desperate search for a time machine to restore a former glory in this 15 year later sequel to the maligned (unfairly) Kingdom of the Crystal Skull which itself came 19 years after the third film. A little light on laughs given the pedigree of both the series (Last Crusade in particular has some great slapstick portions) and series newcomer Phoebe Waller-Bridge, but the film delivers the primo Indiana Jones stuff: punching Nazis, spelunking, and crowded street chases. Given the impossible task of stepping in for Steven Spielberg who gave the world a perfect film in Raiders of the Lost Ark and 3 at worst enjoyable extensions (Temple of Doom rules, justice for Short Round), director James Mangold pulls some of it off.
Tess Thought (83): Took a big swig of my Mr Pibb ~30 minutes in (strategically to avoid a mid-movie pee) only to discover it was ROOT BEER. I was absolutely beside myself for the remaining 2 hours.
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 67%
Where to Watch: Steaming on Amazon Prime
M. Night Shyamalan directs the hell out of this tale of a family that crazed home invaders have tasked with selecting a member to sacrifice in order to prevent a pending apocalypse. Shyamalan may have made some notable missteps in efforts to become more of a blockbuster filmmaker but he still has substantial smaller scale thriller chops. He maintains suspense throughout as the audience tries to parse how much truth lies in the kidnappers' claims and just how unstable the situation may become. He deploys a lot of tight shots on his actors’ faces to stress the heightened emotions and claustrophobia of the situation. Obfuscation and sound design do more than any gore could to disturb whenever sudden violence does strike. Wrestler turned thespian Dave Bautista is great in another man with glasses role that uses the back of his wrinkly bald head to strong effect. I could have gone for a bit more to chew on with the ending which is a bit too spelled out for my taste.
Tess Thought (40): How lucky are we that Dave Bautista turned thespian? Immeasurably.
45. Extraction 2
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 79%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Netflix
Chris Hemsworth returns as black ops mercenary Tyler Rake who all but certainly died in the final shootout of 2020’s original Extraction but has evidently since been upgraded to gravely injured. This is of course nothing some pushups can’t cure before. While some more martial arts oriented action stars like Keanu Reeves, make precision moves cutting like a knife, Hemsworth’s combat is a bit more of a hammer in the vein of big muscle big gun stars of yore. The “long take” gimmick featured prominently in this franchise by director/long time stunt coordinator Sam Hargrave has kind of run its course for me. This entry features a damn near 30 minute long “shot” that follows Rake from a prison escape complete with extended brawl in the yard, to a car chase, to a train chase in one alleged camera movement. No matter how cleverly the editors hide the cuts, it can feel a bit ridiculous when stretching so far beyond the bounds of plausible physical camera work. The effect often feels like watching someone else play a video game but I will admit in this case, they are very skilled at the game and the game seems very cool.
Tess Thought (44): I love watching someone else play video games. This is just cool.
44. The Equalizer 3
Rotten Tomato Score: 76%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Netflix
This September Tess and I caught up on all of director Antoine Fuqua (Training Day) and Denzel Washington’s Equalizer films and the latest entry is by far the best of the bunch. The new synth score introduced by series newcomer Marcelo Zarvos rules. There is a significant upgrade in the cinematography as well with Scorsese and Tarantino collaborator Robert Richardson joining the fold. One of the humorous calling cards of the series is that Washington’s former marine/government operative turned vigilante Robert McCall balances out his brutal slaying of evil doers by being the world’s most caring and conscientious neighbor. Woe to all the drug lords who dare disturb the quaint Italian village he tries to lie low in here. Fuqua attempts to make up for the lack of grace and fluidity of movement from a star pushing 70 with sheer gruesome brutality. The method of McCall’s vengeance killings and the way they are filmed feel infinitely more influenced by slasher villains than typical action heroes which helps distinguish the series from much of its disposal Taken-esque B movie peers.
Tess Thought (29): Was not expecting The Equalizer 3 to crack my top 30 this year but I thoroughly enjoyed this.
43. Scream VI
Rotten Tomato Score: 76%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Paramount+ and Showtime
A haunting elongated and weathered plastic visage keeps popping up everywhere these kids go, but enough about Courtney Cox. The sixth entry in the long running Scream saga is the goriest by far but the near 30 year old series still has some tricks up its sleeve beyond just upping the carnage. Co-directors Tyler Gillett and Matt Bettinelli-Olpin, who took over the series following the passing of legendary series helmer Wes Craven, stage a really enjoyable opening sequence that briefly turns the whole series on its head by following Ghostface for a change. I wish they’d gone a bit further down this path before reverting to the standard self aware slasher whodunnit thrills for which the series is known but moving the action to the crowded subways and bodegas of New York City is a decent wrinkle as well. This is the first film in the series without original lead Neve Campbell due to a contract dispute but returns the surviving young cast of 2022’s rebootquel Scream. It also brings back one of the highlights of 2011’s rebootquel Scre4m, Hayden Panettiere’s Kirby Reed back into the fold. However it is pretty easy to eliminate her and Jenna Ortega as Ghostface suspects since both actresses are about 4 feet tall.
Tess Thought (28): Yep, keep making these.
Rotten Tomato Score: 83%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Amazon Prime
It is a bit odd that this particular film gets the “Guy Ritchie’s” title treatment as it features arguably the least stylistic flair in the director’s filmography. What it does have is some rock solid and tense action set pieces. Iraqi born Danish actor Dar Salim commands the screen as an incredibly combat adept Afghani interpreter who springs into action to save one of his American comrades following an roadside ambush by the Taliban. Upon recovery, the soldier he saved (Jake Gyllenhaal) tirelessly works through and around red tape to try and secure the interpreter and his family safe passage to the US. The film serves as an interesting companion piece to Ritchie’s 2021 flick Wrath of Man. Both films follow men on relentless violent quests, one fueled by revenge in Wrath and one fueled by a sense of duty here. The film understands like Nightcrawler and Zodiac before it that the sunken dead nature of Gyllenhaal’s icy blue eyes make him the perfect man possessed.
Tess Thought (34): I am slowly learning to like Jake Gyllenhaal.
41. Joy Ride
Rotten Tomato Score: 90%
Where to Watch: Streaming on Starz
Adele Lim, the screenwriter of Crazy Rich Asians, links up with executive producers Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg to make her directorial debut and create some more of that duo's signature raunchy comedy with a dash of heart. Instead of teens or stunted man children, this time the tale centers on a Chinese adoptee who returns to her homeland for the very first time to close an important business deal for her law firm. Some of the bawdier bits really give away the two Family Guy veterans credited on the screenplay but a lot of them still land! There is very good chemistry between all 4 leads that each have distinct and flushed out characters. Ashley Park plays the lawyer, Sherry Cola is her slacker childhood best friend, Stephanie Hsu is her college best friend who is now a famous Chinese actress, and Sabrina Wu steals scenes as Cola’s socially awkward KPOP obsessed tagalong cousin Deadeye. The third act is very touching for a film with such extensive talk of bodily orifices.
Tess Thought (22): I spent 21 whole dollars + 83 whole cents on my ticket to see this movie and wow was it worth every penny.
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