Wattching Movies: 2020 Reviewed
- Watt
- Dec 27, 2020
- 75 min read
Updated: Dec 28, 2020
2020 was an absolutely wild year for film. Borat made a surprise return (#13), Harry Potter had guns bolted to his hands (#51), Forest Whitaker starred in a musical (#58), and oh by the way a global pandemic shut down theaters across the country for months forcing movie studios to shuffle release dates and move some blockbuster films directly to streaming. Though the world has been on lockdown since March my trusted associate Tess Swain and I took the opportunity to consume and rank a record shattering 89 motion pictures in order to keep my mother and the 2-3 dozen other readers that haphazardly scroll through this annual blog informed of the year in cinema. We took great lengths to accomplish this feat renting Blu-Rays and DVD's from our local Family Video (R.I.P), abusing free trials, constructing structurally questionable blanket forts, acquiring a lot of fast food, making multiple trips to the drive in theater battling windshield fog through double features, and even took a masked up journey to a deserted Monday afternoon showing of Broken Hearts Gallery (#41) to support our favorite locally owned theater Niles Wonderland. While the year was a little low on both spectacle and awards bait and lent itself to more consumption of absolute dreck on streaming services, it was not without its charms and plentiful Vince Vaughn appearances. Please enjoy reading some poorly structured sentences all about it and checking out anything that catches your eye with the current streaming locations listed.
If I formatted this correctly you will be able to use the handy dandy content table below to jump to different sections should you not wish to take the time to read it all in a single bathroom break.
89-81: Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here
89. Artemis Fowl (Rotten Tomatoes Score: 8%)
Streaming on Disney Plus
I’m not entirely convinced Disney didn’t start the Covid outbreak just so they wouldn’t have to theatrically release one of the most confounding and visually unappealing blockbusters ever made. I read and loved the book series and still didn't have the slightest clue what was supposed to be going on during most of this film. This is especially wild because 95% of the dialogue is strictly exposition. The remaining 5% is discussion of Josh Gad farting. Gad’s character is also somehow given narration duties even though he is a stretch to even call a secondary character as he isn’t even present for over half of the proceedings. All the vague world building and half ass character introducing is clearly meant to kickstart a franchise. May god have mercy on us all if it does.
Tess Thought (Her Ranking: 89): I have no idea what happened in this movie.
88. Impractical Jokers: The Movie (RT: 35%)
Streaming in my nightmares
Impractical Jokers has always been Jackass but made by your thrice divorced uncle who was still doing a Borat voice at family gatherings before the sequel was even announced. Given an inflated budget for a feature the guys fail to cook up anything more funny or memorable than the 15 seconds you inadvertently saw after you fell asleep watching a March Madness game on TruTV. Every agent in Hollywood should screen the scripted portions featuring Paula Abdul for their clients to illustrate the importance of sound financial management.
Tess Thought (83): I love the Jokers and wanted to rub it in Ryan’s face when they made a funny movie, but they didn’t. :( You can tell they had so much fun making it though, and Sal has the best laugh.
87. Secret Society of Second Born Royals (RT: 59%)
Streaming on Disney Plus
This is essentially a Disney Channel Original film so I shouldn’t be too harsh but this is certainly no Brink. This is what happens when you want to make a tween friendly X-Men but didn’t secure the comic rights or budget but do have access to the 5th or 6th star of Pitch Perfect for a week or two.
Tess Thought (85): If you need a Skylar Astin fix, watch Zoey’s Extraordinary Playlist. Season 2 premieres Tuesday, January 5, 2021 at 8:00 p.m. ET on NBC.
86. Coffee & Kareem (RT: 20%)
Streaming on Netflix
The odd couple buddy cop film is an inherently hackneyed concept so it makes it hard to tell what is being played straight and what’s supposed to be an ironic takedown. I thought Stuber towed this line well so it’s bizarre that the film’s director Michael Dowse so wildly misses in the same genre just one year later. Terrence Little Gardenhigh either gives the most grating and irritating performance from a child actor I’ve ever seen or is the most gifted actor of his generation playing an insufferable twerp with no comedic timing. The lone bright spot is Betty Gilpin who obviously thought they were going for over the top mockery and delivers an increasingly unhinged supporting performance. I wish she had tipped more of the cast and crew off to her read on things.
Tess Thought (87): Sometimes when a young kid cusses it is funny. This isn’t one of those times.
85. The Wrong Missy (RT: 33%)
Streaming on Netflix
Adam Sandler has really figured out this whole using the bare minimum of a movie as an excuse to score a free vacation. This time he sticks to producing and casting his wife in a supporting role to have even more time to enjoy the company-expensed trip to Hawaii. This comped trip produced a film so bad that you feel a genuine sense of relief when Rob Schneider pops up halfway through. A movie whose reality is so dark and twisted that David Spade takes part in an enthusiastic threesome and has Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Molly Sims lusting after him as well. Thoughts and prayers first and foremost to anyone that streams this and then to Nick Swardson whose body appears to have thoroughly given up on him after years of abuse.
Tess Thought (88): This is one of the worst movies I have ever seen, and I like The Hot Chick. (Editor's Note: We do not condone such beliefs about any films of Mr. Schneider)
84. Love, Guaranteed (RT: 56%)
Streaming on Netflix
Hate it, guaranteed.
Tess Thought (82): Love, Guaranteed is a very cookie-cutter Hallmark movie. In case it wasn’t predictable enough, they also put all of the best parts in the trailer.
83. Love Wedding Repeat (RT: 32%)
Streaming on Netflix
This movie has an intriguing premise of a Sliding Doors scenario creating different timelines based on where different wedding guests sit at a table. However the filmmakers totally waste this clever idea by not revealing it until over halfway through the film’s runtime. Even after the story is literally paused and a narrator pops in to tell us the seating changes can create infinite possibilities of outcomes, the film really only shows one other possible scenario outside of some brief glimpses of the other alternate realities. In effect it plays as if the filmmakers made a bad romcom where it’s attractive and marginally charming leads (Sam Claflin and Olivia Munn) barely interact and have no chemistry, tried to save it by reshooting the third act, somehow produced an equally unfunny dick joke filled half hour, and then just included both to not waste any production dollars.
Tess Thought (81): In a promising year for rom-coms, this one accidentally forgot to incorporate any rom or com.
82. Troop Zero (RT: 68%)
Streaming on Amazon Prime
I think this movie plays better in a world where I haven’t seen Little Miss Sunshine or Moonrise Kingdom. Allison Janney and Viola Davis are both great actresses to have in your supporting cast but disappointingly neither is given much to work with in a very by the numbers tale of a ragtag group of girl scouts trying to qualify for the big end of year jamboree. It has qualities that some could enjoy but I just found the whole thing to be insufferably twee. The climax is no joke, just a stolen gag from Billy Madison but played with total sincerity. Good to see Jim Gaffigan getting them checks though.
Tess Thought (84): It has to be a mistake that Jim Gaffigan is so low on both of our lists. We will have to watch this movie again.
81. Scoob! (RT: 48%)
Streaming on HBO Max
The first 10 minutes or so of this movie are exactly what you’d want in a Scooby Doo reboot. An adorable first meeting between Shaggy and Scooby, the mystery team forming and solving their first case, and a pitch perfect recreation of the iconic original title sequence. The remaining 80 minutes is a dogshit adventure film that seems to be trying to build an Avengers style universe around Hanna-Barbera cartoon characters like Dynomutt and Captain Cavemen that no one gives a shit about let alone remembers fondly. Notice I said adventure and not mystery which to me seems like the genre you might want to work in when making a Scooby Doo movie but I am not one of the 6 credited screenwriters or the coke addled producers who greenlit this for over $90 million so what do I know.
Tess Thought (79): Matthew Lillard was snubbed, but he’s far too good as Shaggy (voiced by Will Forte in Scoob!) to be affiliated with this horrible misfire so it was for the best.
80-71: Just Happy The Cast and Crew Had Some Money Before The Shutdown
80. Spenser Confidential (RT: 37%)
Streaming on Netflix
There’s a mediocre buddy action comedy in this for maybe 20 min of screen time between Mark Wahlberg and an utterly wasted Winston Dukes. The rest is devoid of both laughs and thrills unless you count seeing how horrific comic Iliza Shlesinger can make her Boston accent. Shoutout to Bokeem Woodbine cashing in his well deserved Emmy nomination on Fargo with hopefully a big check to sleepwalk through a villain role here. This was apparently loosely adapted from a novel but I don’t know why you’d need to pay an author any money to get the rights to tell the same disgraced dirty cop was actually framed by the real dirty cops plot that any movie playing at 10pm on TNT already has. I’d have this even lower but Wahlberg does beat up Post Malone at one point. After Adam Sandler took on The Weeknd in Uncut Gems last year, it looks like it may be open season for middle aged studio comedy stars on hip hop and r&b singers I dislike. Drake better watch out for Owen Wilson.
Tess Thought (77): Boring and unmemorable.
79. The Binge (RT: 24%)
Streaming on Hulu
What if Superbad was stripped of all its heart and its wit was replaced with flailing sweaty desperate gags built largely around humiliation and shouting? What if that creature was also for some reason a parody of The Purge set in a world where all drugs and alcohol are legal for anyone over 18 on one night each year? It sounds like that would be a mediocre midshow SNL sketch aired sometime around 2015. Here it is a 98 min slog that inexplicably also becomes Beerfest but for club drugs in its final 20 minutes. I’m not going to name and shame the Booksmart supporting actors who took lead roles in this because young actors need work, but I encourage them to seek better professional representation. Director Jeremy Garelick either became very good friends with Vince Vaughn when he was the screenwriter for The Breakup or collected some juicy blackmail because Vaughn doesn’t just cameo but is in almost 50% of the scenes of this irredeemable mess.
Tess Thought (76): 5 stars for Vince, 2 stars for this movie.
78. Desperados (RT: 15%)
Streaming on Netflix
I started writing an in depth analysis of why this move doesn’t work but then remembered there’s an entire scene built around one of the actors getting slapped in the face by a cgi dolphin penis. Then I also recalled its running pedophilia gag. If you insist on hearing more: Nasim Pedra and Lamorne Morris are both very likeable and have a fun zippy rapport that makes them an appealing pairing which New Girl already used to success. At the periphery of this movie, these two star in a generic but cute rom-com about a man returning to the dating scene after a recent loss. The bulk of the movie however deals with Pedra and her two gal pals making a desperate unfunny hijinx filled trip to a Mexican resort to retrieve a laptop containing a lengthy breakup email Pedra drunkenly sent to her new boyfriend (Robbie Amell) thinking he had ghosted her when actually he had gotten into a serious car wreck. Seinfeld fans may vaguely recognize this as a failed George Costanza plan that didn’t even work when it involved a message left on an answering machine but is even less plausible when dealing with an email viewable on countless devices.
Tess Thought (75): Not enough Winnie the Bish. Too much of everyone else.
77. The Lost Husband (RT: 55%)
Streaming on Netflix
Josh Duhamel is Short On Dough and Growing More Ruggedly Handsome: The Movie, it looks like Hallmark Channel recently acquired the syndication rights to Las Vegas, and Isiah Whitlock when his agent told him how much the gig paid:
There, I just put in more effort on three jokes than the screenwriters did on your mom’s new favorite Netflix algorithm produced cheese.
Tess Thought (71): Key words here being Josh Duhamel and ruggedly handsome. That is absolutely a good enough reason to watch this movie.
76. Magic Camp (RT: 42%)
Streaming on Disney Plus
Oddly initially pegged for a theatrical release, it plays very much like a Disney Channel Original Movie that cut big enough checks to get stars Adam Devine (Workaholics), Gillian Jacobs (Community) and Jeffrey Tambor. How a movie that is essentially Heavyweights but you guessed it, set at a magic camp instead of a fat camp, could have 6 credited screenwriters and 2 additional story by credits is beyond me. That disjointed nature is very apparent in its indecisiveness over whether its focus is on Devine’s washed up former star camper and his rivalry with ex-partner Jacobs or a young magician overcoming the loss of his father. I wish they had chosen the former because the performances of most of the child actors are grating and atrocious.
Tess Thought (80): This is slightly more watchable than both Secret Society of Second Born Royals and Artemis Fowl, but Disney Plus is still struggling.
75. Holidate (RT: 44%)
Streaming on Netflix
A cheesy Hallmark Channel holiday movie plot is still a cheesy Hallmark Channel holiday movie plot no matter how many f-bombs and poop jokes you shoehorn into it. Suffers from a similar conundrum as Coffee and Kareem where it can’t quite decide if it’s a takedown of the genre or just a lazy vulgar homage. Kristin Chenoweth’s actual plastic surgery addled face is far more disturbing than anything in her other appearance on this list The Witches.
74. Endings, Beginnings (RT: 44%)
Streaming on the laptop of girls that post their horoscope on Instagram daily
Awful people having insipid conversations in tight side profile close ups with soft focus backgrounds for almost two hours. The whole movie is just a lost jobless millennial (Shailene Woodley) living in his sister’s fancy pool house and reeling from her breakup with a blandly handsome man before immediately falling into a love triangle with two blandly handsome friends. Would you believe it, one is a buttoned down intellectual and one is vaguely a bad boy who does the sex real good. Director Drake Doremus already has a film entitled Douchebag so I don’t know why he didn’t just make this a sequel. You do see Bucky Barnes’s butt if that’s of interest to you.
Tess Thought (70): Bucky Barnes’s butt! Now that’s America’s ass.
73. Seberg (RT: 35%)
Streaming on Amazon Prime
Actress Jane Seberg had her career derailed and was slowly driven mad by a covert FBI smear campaign to discredit her civil rights activism. What this movie presupposes is, what if one of the FBI agents felt real bad about it?
Tess Thought (72): 5 stars for Vince, 2 stars for this movie.
72. How To Build A Girl (RT: 79%)
Available for digital rental if you like lighting money on fire
It was nice to see Beanie Feldstein get a meaty lead role after her great work in Lady Bird and Booksmart but casting the 27 year old Californian as a British teen 10+ years her junior was a bit of a misplay. The casting director isn’t the only one at fault for this tedious misfire either as the scripting of Feldstein’s aspiring rock critic Johanna Morrigan is quite inconsistent throughout. It’s expected in a coming of age story for the lead to go through some changes but Johanna’s whole motivations seem to fluctuate wildly from scene to scene. The film itself has a bit of an identity crisis as the story of a girl who becomes instantly infatuated with the enticing corruptive powers of rock and roll features very little of this apparently life changing music. Most of what few performances we do see come from a soft spoken singer songwriter played by Alfie Allen which are fine but don’t exactly scream rock god. Much like Morrigan’s adopted writer persona Dolly Wilde there are some flashy flourishes on the exterior, like a picture strewn wall of literary and historical figures that intermittently spring to life to offer Morrigan advice, but they can’t disguise the plain jane interior of its oft told “be yourself” messaging.
Tess Thought (73): Beanie Feldstein’s fake British accent is a little like nails on a chalkboard.
71. Rebecca (RT: 40%)
Streaming on Netflix
The first act or so of this was actually pretty decent and seemed to be building to be an artfully shot psychological gothic horror film about a young couple haunted by the ghost literal and figurative of the husband’s recently deceased wife complete with nightmarish dream sequences and unnerving sleepwalking. Instead it is the filmmakers who begin sleepwalking through a meandering second act right into a lazy whodunit of a third act. Having not read the novel or seen the Hitchcock original, I’m not sure how much of the film’s problems are inherent to the story but I can assure you the casting did it absolutely no favors. Lily James never quite sold me on her devotion to a cold and distant man but Armie Hammer is truly terrible in this. Placed in a role that seems to call for high levels of emotions between its early whirlwind romance and the incessant grief and crippling guilt that should define the character, Hammer chooses instead to oscillate scene to scene between mildly amused and pouty. The one exception in terms of performance is Kristin Scott Thomas who is actually pretty good in her role as conniving and domineering housekeeper Mrs. Danvers. It reminded me a lot of her performance in Only God Forgives which is a movie a lot of people hate but I find to be a genuinely haunting work I will plug until the day I die.
Tess Thought (64): Thoroughly enjoyed our choice of snacks this day. Wear a costume to Cold Stone on Halloween and you get 15% off!
70-61: The Streaming Service Algorithm Has Betrayed You
70. Bloodshot (RT: 30%)
Streaming on your Monster guzzling stepson’s new PS5
Hopefully you didn’t watch the trailer because it gives away the big twist that is by far the best part of this plastic sack of stale Fruity Dino Bites to Marvel’s fresh box of Fruity Pebbles. Vin Diesel has never been the most gifted thespian but the indifference and mild bemusement he emotes as his reaction to being told he has been brought back from the dead as a cybernetically enhanced killing machine may set a new low for the Corona chugging lug. On that same note, did you really turn a guy into an unstoppable killing machine if the opening scene prior to this transformation shows him taking out about a dozen guys without getting so much as a scratch on him? That’s like if you gave steroids to Bo Jackson. Seems like a waste. The effects are chintzy with the exception of a couple cool shots which, you guessed it, are also in the trailer. Guy Pearce’s scientist has schemes that don’t make any sense. One of Diesel’s fellow enhanced soldiers I’m pretty sure only ever uses her powers to do weird water ballet. Shoutout to Chicago native Lamorne Morris who saw all this mess around him and said, “Fuck it, I’m doing a British accent.”
Tess Thought (54): Unlike How to Build a Girl, the fake British accent is one of the best things about this movie.
69. To All The Boys: P.S I Still Love You (RT: 75%)
Streaming on Netflix
The original To All The Boys was a breath of fresh air in a sea of Netflix rom-com mediocrity. It was a cute little film with an appealing diverse cast playing relatable high schoolers and a lead relationship with some real sparks. Audiences spent an entire movie waiting for Lana Conder’s Lara Jean to officially get together with Noah Centino’s hunky Peter so of course the sequel is spent introducing contrived reasons to keep them apart: a ridiculously extensive cross high school volunteer program, a new less charming suitor who Lara Jean doesn’t bother to ever just tell she has a boyfriend, jealousy over an ex Peter explicitly chose her over in the previous film. Maybe this would work to introduce some drama and kill a few episodes in the back half of a season of one of the teen dramas it shares Vancouver filming locations with, but as a feature film it doesn’t leave much room for moving the characters forward. The issues are not all on the scripting here either. The first film also had some interesting stylistic choices by director Susan Johnson to depict Lara Jean’s daydreams and imagined conversations with her past crushes. The original’s cinematographer Michael Fimognari steps in the director’s chair here and the drop off is noticeable with utilitarian staging and lack of similar flourishes. The series’ low budget and algorithm satisfaction justified a trilogy order from the Netflix coffers, so maybe the returning crew will stick the landing on the next one.
Tess Thought (60): LJ takes a very Jane the Virgin approach to her love triangle and constantly does the opposite of what you want her to do. Ultimately the movie has a cute ending, but it can be frustrating to get there.
68. Superintelligence (RT: 30%)
Streaming on HBO Max
An artificial intelligence gains sentience and decides it needs to evaluate whether humanity is worth saving by putting average woman Melissa McCarthy through a middling romantic comedy plot. McCarthy and Bobby Cannavale are both engaging leads and give it their all, but there is just nothing to work with here. Anything to do with the James Corden voiced superintelligence doesn’t make a lick of sense. With extensive product placement, large swaths of the movie play like a Tesla commercial that for some reason shows how dangerous the vehicle would be if it ever got hacked. Director Ben Falcone (McCarthy’s husband who is verging on spousal abuse charges by roping his genuinely talent spouse into 4 films that haven’t cracked 40% on Rotten Tomatoes with a 5th that sounds dreadful on the way) and writer Steve Mallory in some sort of misguided appreciation for The Simpson’s iconic rake gag, love building scenes around a lazy joke that doesn’t hit at all (ex. saying the word “badonkadonk”, playing the Law and Order bum bum during an interrogation) and just repeating it ad nauseum. This would be ranked even lower but Ken Griffey Jr. does cameo and Brian Henry “Paperboi” Tyree got some between Atlanta seasons spending money.
Tess Thought (50): The James Corden/Superintelligence plotline gets old after about 5 minutes, but Melissa McCarthy is the most adorable person on the planet so kudos to Ben Falcone for getting one thing right.
67. The Hunt (RT: 56%)
Streaming on Cinemax if the Directv reps upsold you
This movie was set to be released in the fall of 2019 before controversy arose on the interwebs over its premise of liberal elites rounding up and hunting a group of conservatives in a Most Dangerous Game scenario, especially following some mass shootings. Had anyone actually seen the film, I don’t think they would have gotten too worked up over the milquetoast both sides are bad ribbing it actually contains. While the political satire isn’t particularly clever it does have an inspired first act where repeated fake outs and grizzly deaths involving recognizable actors leave the viewers guessing on who the ultimate protagonist will be. It drags a bit after that as the gore becomes a bit repetitive and the jokes breaking it up are largely just lazy reference to various political stereotypes. Once you get past the middle hour though, there is a solidly brutal mano y mano brawl as its finale involving a gleefully slumming it Hillary Swank as the leader of the elites and some terrifying kitchen appliances. This could have used a lot more Glenn Howerton who knows a thing or two about expressing rage and looking down with contempt on others.
Tess Thought (69): They bamboozle you into thinking Kevin from This is Us is the lead. Once you get over that betrayal, Betty Gilpin is kind of cool.
66. The Witches (RT: 49%)
Streaming on HBO Max
The comparison to Tim Burton’s 2005 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory are almost too easy. Once visionary director (Robert Zemeckis) who has completely lost his fastball (I’m still using WWII dolls and model kits to work through my horrific life changing trauma of having watched Welcome to Marwen) cashing a check on a wholly unnecessary Roald Dahl remake where CGI monstrosities replace iconic practical effects. Both films also lay some groundwork early on for a richer more developed protagonist but ultimately just turn the keys over to a vamping A-lister in a bad wig doing a weird voice instead. I’m sure it’d have been fine in a vacuum but the original is still easily accessible and still scares the bejeesus out of me.
Tess Thought (68): When the pack of witches led by Anne Hathaway struts in you think oohhh this is gonna be good! Sadly it goes slightly downhill from there.
65. Eurovision Song Contest: The Story of Fire Saga (RT: 64%)
Streaming on Netflix
This movie is over 2 hrs long. I don’t know if streaming services just give studios carte blanche on runtimes or restrict their editing budgets but there is no Will Ferrell movie, many of which I love and hold dear, that would have been improved with an additional half hr. of screen time. This movie is strange also because it uses almost all of that additional run time for long largely jokeless earnest stretches. The film’s setting at the bizarre Eurovision song contest seems inherently just as, if not more, ridiculous than the worlds of figure skating and NASCAR that Ferrell has previously lampooned. However for some reason everyone involved in this production seems to hold it in much more reverence and plays much of the movie and its elaborate song numbers disarmingly straight. This off putting earnestness is also true of a central long pining romance between Rachel McAdams and Ferrell that I did not buy for one second. While a bit of a chore it does score a few good laughs with some running gags about college age American tourists, a song about a ding dong, and some magic elves.
Tess Thought (66): It is too long and very much underutilizes Pierce Brosnan, but it’s a pretty movie.
64. Vivarium (RT: 72%)
Streaming on Amazon Prime
Creates an initially unnerving scenario of a housing community full of seemingly unending identical units from which there is no escape no matter how far you wander in any direction; so a lot like a visit to your aunt’s townhome. Eisenberg and Poots both do fine work as young couple whose relationship and sanity steadily collapse as the ordeal goes on but ultimately it felt a bit like an overly stretched Twilight Zone segment with not much in the way of pay off. It did however introduce me to the song “Complicated Game” by XTC which rips.
Tess Thought (49): A better resolution could have made this quite good.
63. The Photograph (RT: 74%)
Streaming on HBO Max
The casting department really tried to bail this one out because Issa Rae and Lakeith Stanfield are both attractive and charismatic leads to build a romance around. Unfortunately they are both given little to nothing to work with here in a snoozer by writer/director Stell Meghie. Much like the stars, the film is very nice to look at thanks to the craftsmanship of cinematographer Mark Schwartzbard but it is just quite dull. Again, this is through no fault of casting director Ashley Ingram who snagged delightful Chelsea Peretti and Lil Rel Howard to inject some life around the edges. Somehow the flashback romance involving Issa’s photographer mother Christina is even less enthralling than the main story. The drama in both romances frustratingly centers entirely around two people clearly in love just not having a 2 min conversation to discuss what’s going on in their lives. Equally frustrating, a Kendrick Lamar concert is teased repeatedly and not only is it never shown but he isn’t even on the soundtrack.
Tess Thought (63): Issa Rae stands there with a blank look on her face (for dramatic effect? not really sure why) for two hours so it becomes increasingly difficult to connect with her at all. I am all about two people clearly in love with nothing but a 2-minute conversation standing in their way, but it’s hard to be too invested when the leading lady is that bland.
62. Trolls: World Tour (RT: 71%)
Streaming on Hulu
If you liked Trolls here’s an additional technicolor jukebox musical to tide you over. If trollnostic like myself, I will say the Trolls special edition Oreos had Pop Rocks in them, and were quite delicious. Despite what your Spotify Wrapped wants you to believe about you listening to 517 genres of music this year, in the universe of trolls there are but 6 core genres: Pop, Rock, Funk, Country, Classical, and of course Techno. The Rock Trolls led by rock superstar, *checks notes* Rachel Bloom, star of musical comedy program My Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, seek to steal a magic string from each of the other troll groups so that the variety of music performed in troll land is replaced solely by major riffage. The Rock Trolls have a cool heavy metal submarine, their king is an adorable coot in a spiked out wheelchair voiced by Ozzy Osbourne, and they play “Crazy Train.” Needless to say I was all for them succeeding with their plan against Anna Kendrick’s annoying Poppy and Justin Timberlake’s Branch who spends all movie trying to find the right moment to say to Poppy what their soulful duets in both films have already said. Unfortunately I had to learn a lame lesson about working together or harmony or something dumb like that instead.
Tess Thought (38): “The cinematic event of the year.” Someone else’s words, not mine. 10/10 recommend viewing within the comfort of a living room fort.
61. The Half of It (RT: 97%)
Streaming on Netflix
Is it a realistic portrayal of a second generation immigrant story, a coming out while coming of age tale, or a dopey high school set Cyrano riff? Unfortunately a majority of the focus is on the latter while the first two aspects are by far the best things going for it. Nerdy Ellie Chu makes money for college by writing papers for her classmates. This skill gets her enlisted by dumb jock Paul to help him write a love letter to woo Aster Lee who also happens to be Ellie’s crush. Herein lies the film’s biggest problem, Aster Lee is more plot device than character. It’s never really explained or illustrated why Ellie, Paul, or Aster’s actual boyfriend Trig are all infatuated with her besides superficial interests and her looks. There’s one scene where Aster and Ellie bond that seems to set up a big twist but ends up being a red herring that doesn’t really make much sense removed of its initial implications. Having an asian lesbian lead gives the high school romance stuff a unique wrinkle and it’s shot eloquently but it’s all just very messy. There’s even a proposal at one point between, again, high schoolers. I just wanted to spend more time in a much more promising subplot: making dumplings and watching old movies with Ellie’s soft spoken Chinese immigrant widower father Edwin as he comes to terms with his beloved daughter moving away for college.
Tess Thought (61): The unlikely friendship between Ellie and Paul is cute and that narrative is much more compelling than either one being a suitor for Aster.
60-51: Can Pop In and Out During a Cozy Quarantine Nap
60. Unpregnant (RT: 89%)
Streaming on HBO Max
A fairly typical teen road trip comedy but with some frank discussion from a pro choice perspective about the touchy subject of abortion. It’s a tricky balance to try and strike and director Rachel Lee Goldenberg, who cut her teeth making mockbusters like Grimm’s Snow White and Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s Sherlock Holmes with schlockmeisters The Asylum and shorts for Funny or Die, and her 4 credited coscreenwriters don’t quite have the deft touch to pull it off at all times. In fact the weakest portion of the film is when the serious subject and hacky comedy are most closely mashed together during a brief forray into horror parody when our teen stars find themselves the unwitting guests in the home of a pro-life activist couple. Edge of Seventeen veteran Haley Lu Richardson carries a heavy load here with the range she has to hit and performs admirably. Her co-star Barbie Ferreria, in her film debut, however has her Jack Black schtick set on full blast which gets grating when you don’t have the timing and charisma of Black. Somehow she is given both a side romance and an emotional b-plot about an estranged father that’s just symptomatic of this film biting off more than it can chew.
Tess Thought (34): Sidekick Bailey, stalker ex-boyfriend Kevin, the crazy Christian family, and Matthew the lesbian racecar driver are all a bit over the top, but Unpregnant is entertaining nonetheless. Haley Lu dazzles as relatable protagonist Veronica.
59. Over The Moon (RT: 80%)
Streaming on Netflix
The first couple musical sequences in this animated musical are great, the half dozen or so that follow, not so much. It’s indicative of the whole affair which has some great stuff in the first act concerning a young chinese girl Fei Fei whose beloved mooncake baking mother passes away. Unfortunately the film becomes a pretty generic musical adventure following a 4 year time jump that finds the now teenage Fei Fei and her annoying potential new stepbrother Chin making their way to the moon to find the goddess Chang’e and through some shaky logic prevent her father marrying Chin’s mother. The film tackles grief, loss and being able to honor the memory of someone without being held back from moving forward. It’s well worn territory what with seemingly every other Disney character having dead parents but valuable learning for children nonetheless. The film gains some potency in this regard knowing that screenwriter Audrey Wells passed away from a lengthy battle with cancer prior to the completion of the film. The computer animation by Sony Pictures Imageworks looks fine but doesn’t do much to distinguish it from fellow second tier studios like Blue Sky and Illumination. I don’t think too many children will be scrambling to get a plush of Ken Jeong’s neon green pangolin Gobi.
Tess Thought (59): I love all of the early moments of Over the Moon. Fei Fei has a beautiful family life and upbringing. The movie starts to lose me when it loses touch with reality and Fei Fei goes to the moon, although it’s whimsical, imaginative, and tackles big themes in a creative way for kids.
58. Jingle Jangle: A Christmas Journey (RT: 90%)
Streaming on Netflix
With its theater style sets, costumes and elaborately choreographed dance numbers it has the feel of one of those “Live” musical specials television networks have been staging the last few years. At just over two hours it really could have done the musical theaterly courtesy of having an intermission. I was shocked to find Keegan-Michael Key doesn’t currently have any small children because my man came to sing, prance and preen his ass off all for himself. Academy Award winner Forest Whitaker is also definitely given multiple songs to perform as well. They sure did happen but the less said about them the better. You will not be shocked to learn that Whitaker’s highly theatrical granddaughter in the film, Madalen Mills is a Broadway vet making her film debut. The movies gobblidy gook about magic math and the square root of “impossible” often had me thinking about the Mad Real World Chappelle’s Show sketch where Tron ask Chad, “What’s the square root of this apartment?” It’s fine but I don’t foresee it cracking the Christmas pantheon. However some people willingly watch Holiday in Handcuffs annually so who knows.
Tess Thought (67): It is too long and very much underutilizes Key, but it’s a pretty movie.
57. Enola Holmes (RT: 91%)
Streaming on Netflix
This is more a female centric tween version of Guy Ritchie’s adventuring Sherlock Holmes than a plucky detective story. The demographics for this film are very odd because it would at first glance appear to be geared towards kids but its slow moving plot about the machinations taking place around an important vote in British Parliament and Burn Gorman’s ruthless hitman that is definitely down to torture and brutally murder young children seem to say otherwise. A child mature enough for that might rather just watch Robert Downey Jr. bare knuckle box. I thought this was another movie a streaming service greenlit to be longer than Rip Van Winkle’s slumber but this was actually a Warner Brothers production originally intended for youths to sit in a theater until they lost all feeling in their legs. Helena Bonham Carter is well cast as the Holmes eccentric and fiercely feminist matriarch but she’s really only on the screen for a few minutes before she goes missing and if I was tracking her never fully flushed out subplot correctly, went off to potentially do some terrorist bombings. Henry Cavill’s Sherlock is actually in the movie quite a bit but doesn’t really do much of anything and leaves even less of an impression.
Tess Thought (51): Millie Bobby Brown’s charm is not enough to carry this for a full two hours.
56. The Willoughbys (RT: 91%)
Streaming on Netflix
I’ve been a bit of a Negative Nancy up until this point but from here onward are films I genuinely enjoyed. The animation done by Bron Animation in this is very interesting and sets itself apart from what most studios are putting out moving with a bit of the herky jerk action reminiscent of stop motion. Some dark Roald Dahlian aspects like parents that positively despise children, said children plotting to orphan themselves, and the eldest Willoughby son being frequently sent to a coal bin, set this apart from standard kid fare as well. The scatterbrained plot is more a set of vignettes and side tangents than a straightforward coherent a to b story. However, a strong voice cast keeps delivering enjoyable moments throughout the haphazard journey. Maya Rudolph, as the Willoughbys’ caring babysitter, imbibes the film with a much needed warmth to offset some of it’s darker humor. I generally find Ricky Gervais “ain’t I a stinker” schtick to be quite grating but he’s deployed well here as a sassy narrating talking cat.
Tess Thought (78): The animation is cool, but in trying to watch thrice I fell asleep every time.
55. An American Pickle (RT: 73%)
Streaming on HBO Max
Screenwriter Simon Rich was one of the youngest writers in SNL history, worked as a staff writer for Pixar and created one of the great underseen television comedies of the last five years Man Seeking Woman, so I was curious to see what his surreal craftsmanship could do expanded to feature length. With Rich’s pedigree, the premise of Seth Rogen’s early 20th century day laborer suffering a mishap that preserves himself in pickle brine only to be released 100 years later to meet his Brooklyn hipster ancestor also played by Seth Rogen had me sold instantly. The first half hour or so of this movie holds up to that excitement and is really good both in its depiction of Herschel’s pre-pickle life and his initial fish out of water interactions with his great grandson Ben in our modern age. The rivalry and feuding that develops between Herschel and Ben and light political commentary that dominates the second act, not so much. The film almost redeems itself with a very sweet and meaningful ending about family and legacy. Overall this probably would have worked better as a short. Speaking of short, you really should check out Man Seeking Woman. Each half hr. episode is split up into different vignettes whimsically dissecting different aspects of relationships. Eric Andre costars and all three 10 episode seasons are available to stream on Hulu.
Tess Thought (62): The beginning and the tail end are both great. There is a good amount of wasted space in the middle, but overall it’s a fine movie.
54. Hubie Halloween (RT: 51%)
Streaming on Netflix
Calls to mind the films of Sandler’s Billy Madison and Happy Gilmore heyday with various fun winks and nods. While it doesn’t quite reach those heights it’s a helluva lot closer than most of his recent getting paid to go on vacation with his friends output. The jokes certainly aren’t especially clever or highbrow, see 90 year old June Squibb in a “boner donor” tee, but they hit at a decent clip and there’s enough heart that it remains an enjoyable breezy experience. Rob Schneider only makes a brief appearance! However on a sadder note, the Chantix money must have run out because Ray Liotta is in this a lot.
Tess Thought (55): It is probably even better if you understand a singular word that comes out of Adam Sandler’s mouth.
53. Sonic The Hedgehog (RT: 63%)
Available for rent or purchase for the Pixie Stix addicted children in your life
A big budget live action Sonic adaptation set in the real world that repeatedly plugs Olive Garden and stars a manic Jim Carrey sounds like a pitch Ben Schwartz’s Jean-Ralphio would have for Entertainment 720. When the initial trailer and its grotesquely rendered Sonic first dropped prompting an extensive and expensive redesign, it all but confirmed this to be a financial boondoggle not unlike hiring Roy Hibbert to just hang around the office. Against all odds however, this actually kind of works! I can see why this made $146 million in just over a month before the shutdown hit. Don't get me wrong, it’s still aggressively dumb but in a fun disposable way like the countless kooky family comedies studios used to crank out in the mid to late 90s when CGI really started to take off. Speaking of the 90's, Carrey is full on zany in this just contorting and gesticulating wildly in a welcome return to form as villainous Doctor Robotnik. Schwartz nails the right blend of annoying and endearing for this version of a motor mouthed lonely Sonic. I’d be excited to see the two square off again in a teased sequel with Carrey sporting the classic bald head giant mustache look of the games.
Tess Thought (39): Having sat in the front row of a theater full of screaming children to watch Hop, I expected the worst from another James Marsden/cartoon sidekick combo. Sonic is thankfully a very pleasant surprise.
52. My Spy (RT: 47%)
Streaming on Amazon Prime
This is essentially a PG-13 version of the beloved 2005 Vin Diesel vehicle The Pacifier. Dave Bautista may not do the Peter Panda dance but he does dance like a drunken Shrek when out on a date. The macho man forced to team up with a wisecracking child is a thin and overdone premise but Chloe Coleman is a top notch kid sidekick and has a fun rapport with Bautista repeatedly and entertainingly verbally bullying his burly CIA operative JJ. Kristen Schaal likewise brings more humor than is to be expected in a rote role as JJ’s CIA partner/tech support. The action portion of the plot about nuclear arms smuggling is lame and undercooked but largely forgotten for long stretches of the film replaced with JJ bonding with both the little girl and her attractive and conveniently widowed mother. There is a bit of a strange dynamic about who the audience of this film is supposed to be because those portions all play as rather kid friendly but the action portions are surprisingly violent and definitely not for kids. In sum though, Peter Segal who made Tommy Boy and then some of the better early 00’s Sandler films (Anger Management, 50 First Dates) has produced another disposable but enjoyable comedy that seems earmarked to play on TBS or USA network for years to come.
Tess Thought (52): A cute movie, but Dave Bautista doesn’t laugh enough in it.
51. Guns Akimbo (RT: 52%)
Streaming on Amazon Prime
This rating is likely inflated by all the wild pictures of Daniel Radcliffe running around in a bathrobe holding twin pistols and grinning like a lunatic that came out of its production. If you, like all upstanding citizens, are a fan of the immortal Jason Statham starring Crank series, this isn’t quite as good but scratches a similar cracked out violence itch. With this and The Swiss Army Man, it has become very apparent that after 8 massive Harry Potter movies Radcliffe is no longer too interested in the commercial appeal of the work he chooses to do. Samara Weaving is unrecognizable as a deranged veteran of a deadly online game Radcliffe’s internet troll finds himself in as an unwitting participant. Rhys Darby is present also as a helpful hobo named Glenjamin. They all seem to be having a lot of fun and viewers can too if they just want to shut their brain off for 90 mins and watch some kinetic neon lit gun brawls over weird cover versions of 80’s songs.
Tess Thought (56): Using this as an opportunity to remind the world that I have met Daniel and he is shockingly no taller than I am (5’4) which I know because we stood next to each other and he put his arm around me.
50-41: Would Watch With The Right Snacks
50. Arkansas (RT: 46%)
Streaming on Amazon Prime or ask Tess to borrow the DVD
Actor Clark Duke makes his directorial debut and takes a big swing instantly giving away the Coen brothers and Tarantino as his key influencers with a darkly comedic adaptation of a pulpy novel about low level drug dealers. Like many Coen and Tarantino features, the film focuses on the disorganized banality of crime and the comedy of errors and coincidental circumstances that can explode into sudden violence. Both Duke’s lead Liam Hemsworth and Duke himself doing double duty in a supporting role struggle a bit with the highwire balance of comedy and drama as Clarke comes off a bit too jokey to carry any emotional weight and Hemsworth too dour to keep the slower sections moving. Versatile veterans of the trade John Malkovich, Michael K. Williams, and especially Vince Vaughn fare better with the layered material given to them. In fact, the film most snaps to life when it abandons Hemsworth and Clarke altogether for extended flashback sequences highlighting the almost accidental rise to power of Vaughn’s drug kingpin. These sequences and other strong flourishes reveal legitimate chops within Duke. I’d be curious to see him develop further in some more dialed in and less derivative future work.
Tess Thought (47): 5 stars for Vince, 3 stars for this movie.
49. Project Power (RT: 60%)
Streaming on Netflix
Joseph Gordon-Levitt seemed to be on a bit of a hiatus from acting after 2016’s Snowden bombed so it was weird to see him pop up as a New Orleans police detective in a Netflix B-movie. Perhaps this was a bit of a one for you one for me play to score a key role in the Trial of the Chicago 7. Both JGL and Jamie Foxx, are better than the material and help elevate the off brand superhero action within. The central conceit of a pill called “power” that gives its users superpowers for a 5 min time window is interesting but unfortunately has been grafted onto a generic cops cleaning up the streets dirtied by a corrupt corporation thriller. Dominique Fishback is fine as a drug dealer with a heart of gold assisting JGL’s cop but we probably could have done without her various freestyle raps throughout. The superpower effects like the film itself are pretty cool in places but aren’t anything showstopping. Hollywood does thankfully continue its trend of beating up musical figures I don’t care for as Machine Gun Kelly’s hot headed “power” addict takes a beating at the hands of Jamie Foxx.
Tess Thought (46): JGL is BACK! The best in the biz.
48. Mulan (RT: 73%)
Streaming on Disney Plus
The first of the Disney live action remakes to really do something different with the material rather than just recreate it beat for beat. Jettisoned are the musical numbers (though “Reflection” is used as a portion of the score) and comic relief talking dragon sidekick Mushu. In their place are wuxia style action sequences, a new secondary villain, cool costumes with bad wigs and a weird cgi phoenix that seems to exist solely for one cheesy shot that was already lame on Game of Thrones. Mulan herself is also updated from a courageous young woman using wit to outsmart her enemies to a preternatural warrior from a young age, wielding chi like a quasi Jedi. These changes much like the film as a whole are a bit hit or miss. There’s some fun wire work throughout with soldiers running up walls for acrobatic combat and bringing kung fu legends Jet Li and Donnie Yen into the fold is a nice touch however underutilized they may be. Jason Scott Lee, whom Hollywood has largely forgotten about since starring in Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story adds some additional martial arts bonafides as intimidating leader of the invading Rouran, Bori Khan. The addition of shapeshifting witch Xianniang provides Mulan an interesting foil as another woman whose tremendous abilities are repressed by male dominated society but her story is very compressed with her essentially taking on Darth Vader’s full saga character arc in a single film. Despite a near 2 hr run time the whole film does feel a bit rushed, a feeling aided by some suspect editing choices, detracting from its obvious epic aspirations.
Tess Thought (53): The original is sacred to me. This remake removes just about all that I love (songs, characters, animal sidekicks, and scenes to name a few) and fails to replace it with anything substantive.
47. Wonder Woman 1984 (RT: 65%)
Streaming on HBO Max
This film calls to mind the Christopher Reeve Superman movies, specifically the incredibly corny one where Richard Pryor is a tech whiz and the villain is some sort of magic evil computer. The flying effects look about the same with Gal Gadot lifelessly posing in front of a green screen. The best part of Wonder Woman was the relationship between Gadot’s Diana and Chris Pine’s Steve Trevor so thankfully through the powers of some poorly explained wish magic, Trevor is brought back from the dead to wear 80’s attire, banter and give the film some sizzle. Unfortunately the poorly explained wish magic via a monkey’s paw mcguffin is a crucial driving force of the messy plot. Pedro Pascal works with the retro Superman energy as he hams it up as the power hungry infomercial con man villain. The performance has its coke sweat charm but somehow his bad guy ends up with I believe the most screen time of any character across the horrendously bloated 2.5 hours. Kristen Wiig is pretty fun at the start but sadly wasted in the oft seen nerdy loser goes mad with power secondary villain role. One of the biggest weaknesses of the superior first film was it’s lackluster cgi heavy finale. Despite a pretty good early mall set robbery foiling, director Patty Jenkins doesn’t show improved aptitude with spectacle as many of the surprisingly limited set pieces look quite wonky when they aren’t just outright hidden under cover of darkness. Jenkins also chose to wedge Cold War geopolitics into the plot but none of the many great tunes from the era. If only Warner Bros. released a famous 1984 album. Wonder Woman “Jumps” all the time. It was right there.
Tess Thought (37): The wish magic is really bad, but it brings back Chris Pine, so I’m ok with it.
46. Showbiz Kids (RT: 96%)
Streaming on HBO Max
Directed by former showbiz kid himself, Alex Winter, aka Bill S. Preston Esq., the film rounds up representatives across various generations of child stars to discuss how the industry wore them down. After HBO put out last year’s emotionally grueling Finding Neverland I anticipated a much more unnerving watch but this mostly avoids delving too far into the most seedy accusations. It is still fascinating though to hear the long lasting effect the demands, pressure, criticism and fame foisted upon children in Hollywood has had on a wide range of lives. Winters talks with a wide spectrum of people from Todd Bridges whose life collapsed into a cycle of drug and legal problems to Cameron Boyce, who tragically passed away before the completion of this documentary, but seemed all together well adjusted and excited to branch out further from his Disney star beginning. Winters also includes the experience of a couple current children but unfortunately, a bit too much of the movie is turned over to a young boy who frankly appears to have little real interests in or talent for acting. You do get some sense of the intense stage parent mentality that impacted many of the other child stars as you watch his parents rearrange their whole lives to shuffle him from audition to audition and acting classes because he vaguely expresses it being his dream. Hopefully his mom and dad get a look at the rest of this and realize it might not be worth all that hassle even if he were to succeed.
Tess Thought (74): This is way less interesting than it should be.
45. Bad Boys For Life (RT: 77%)
Available on Starz if you have a trust fund, otherwise a $15 rental
Will Smith and Martin Lawrence both relished the opportunity to return to their roles as wisecracking Miami PD detectives Mike Lowry and Marcus Burnett, clearly having a lot of fun riffing and blowing stuff up. Missing is the series original bombastic director Michael Bay but that may actually be a net positive as directing duo Adil and Billal confidently stage the action and somehow make a plot involving curses and black magic the most coherent in the series. The first two plots are so convoluted and unmemorable it took me forever to determine if the vengeance obsessed villain was fixated on something that had happened in those films or had an unrelated grievance. Will Smith has stubbornly refused to age in the 17 years between the last installment so it really helps sell the dynamic between his determined to keep working gun fire filled cases Mike and the more than happy to retire to his comfy robe and lounge chair Marcus. The new characters, a team of tech specialist young cops called AMMO, led by former teen stars Vanessa Hudgens and Alexander Ludwig, didn’t really do anything for me but there are multiple gun fights involving helicopters and one of the main bad guys has a very cool motorcycle and all black riding outfit he can also do Jiu Jitsu in so I don’t know what more you really need.
Tess Thought (33): No complaints that the boys are back. As someone who hasn’t seen the other Bad Boys movies, this is the best one.
44. Downhill (RT: 38%)
Streaming on HBO Max
I have not seen the Swedish film Force Majure that this remakes so I may have a rosier outlook than some on this fairly slight film that I found to be an enjoyable change of pace for Will Ferrell. Following a tremendous act of selfish cowardice midst avalanche, the marriage between Ferrell’s Pete and Julia Louis-Dreyfus’s Billie teeters on the brink. The relationship is strained further by the appearance of a lively young couple in the form of Pete’s co-worker Zach and his girlfriend Rosie. Co-Directors Nat Faxon and Jim Rash won an Academy Award for their adapted screenplay on The Descendents and tackle a similar middle aged melancholic comedy here. They don’t quite have the chops of their previous collaborator Alexander Payne (Election, Sideways, Nebraska) so they sometimes drift into sitcom territory from scene to scene here. Similarly, despite impressive drama-tinged work previously in Stranger Than Fiction and Everything Must Go, Ferrell simply does not have the range of a George Clooney to nail all aspects of his character. Shockingly this is one of a very small handful of lead performances Louis-Dreyfus has given in feature comedies given her 8 time Emmy winning dominance of the sitcom format (Seinfeld, Veep, I guess The New Adventures of Old Christine) and she delivers her standard great work here.
Tess Thought (40): I think it’s best to have not seen Force Majure, to love Julia Louise-Dreyfus, and to be blown away that Will Ferrell can play something other than absurd. If you check all those boxes, this can be an enjoyable, resonating watch.
43. Clouds (RT: 76%)
Streaming on Disney Plus
As a native Minnesotan I was familiar with the story of cancer stricken singer Zach Sobiech and his Jason Mraz style bop “Clouds.” I was also excited to see they utilized the real Stillwater Ponies logo which makes it a little disappointing how teen soapy they made this film. I shouldn’t be surprised given director Justin Baldoni’s previous work Five Feet Apart and his connection to the CW. A weird amount of the focus of a movie about an inspiring dying boy is locked in on a lackluster love triangle between Zach (Fin Argus), his best friend/singing partner Sammy (Sabrina Carpenter) and his girlfriend Amy (Madison Iseman). There’s also some loose marital drama thrown on top for Zach’s parents played by Neve Campbell and Tom Everett Scott. Luckily the core story is sweet enough and the performances, particularly Argus who does his own singing, are charming enough to carry it through its cheesier passages. Speaking of charming Lil Rel Howery once again turns in a pleasing performance in a minor supporting role as Zach’s English teacher.
Tess Thought (43): Justin Baldoni sure loves to make people cry, probably because he is so good at it.
42. Godmothered (RT: 68%)
Streaming on Disney Plus
Jillian Bell, a former scene stealer on Workaholics, is starting to have a well deserved movie star moment with another lead role here after last year’s Brittany Runs a Marathon. Bell’s bubbly personality and big warm grin make her an immaculate selection for playing a perpetually optimistic fairy godmother. Bell’s fairy in training Elanor, assigns herself to a little girl that wrote to her fairy godmother for help so long ago that now she’s aged into a jaded Boston news producer (Isla Fisher) with two precocious daughters of her own. Cue Elanor’s whimsy clashing with the harsher realities of the real world and important lessons being taught about what true love and happily ever after really mean. It’s pretty by the numbers family film stuff but coasts along pleasantly enough with some good jokes like Elanor repeatedly singing out of tune songs narrating what she’s doing. If you have to have a character pop in for narration and exposition dumps you could do worse than an adorable June Squibb fresh off her Hubie Halloween scene stealing. The most fantastical element of the whole ordeal is a trip to a Boston Bruins tailgate without fights, puking Southies, or any racial epithets. Speaking of fairy tales, Sacha Baron Cohen has been married to Isla Fisher for 10 years. Really goes to show you that anything is possible if you believe.*
*and have the talent to make zeitgeist changing comedy.
Tess Thought (42): The best non-Pixar Disney Plus release of the year (not tough to do), it nudges out Clouds with a cleaner storyline.
41. The Broken Hearts Gallery (RT: 78%)
Available for digital rental but seems like Freeform will be all over airing this 4 times a week sometime soon
Dacre Montgomery’s charisma on Stranger Things convinced me to buy a jean jacket so he has enough juice to get me through a rom -com with a very up its own butt New York Instagram hipster premise of an art gallery for souvenirs left behind from past relationships. Geraldine Viswanathan was a standout in 2018’s Blockers and she does good work here to once again elevate what should be replacement grade material with her personality. A frequent problem with a lot of romantic comedies, this being no exception, is that a conflict is created between two clearly compatible leads that easily could be resolved by the main characters just talking to each other honestly for 1-2 additional minutes instead of just storming off. I won’t hold this grievance too strongly against it though because in addition to the two leads, the whole cast is really damn likeable and fun. Arturo Castro radiates warmth and Molly Gordon is really establishing herself as a solid supporting player with her turns in Booksmart, Good Boys, and here.
Tess Thought (10): I don’t know if it’s because this was our first time back at my favorite movie theater in 7 months, or if I was just overly hype to get a movie ticket, large popcorn, large Dr. Pepper, and a jalapeno-cream cheese stuffed pretzel all for $11.25, but I adored this movie. Hopefully the rom-com resurgence is upon us because I absolutely need more of this.
40-31: Free Popcorn Thursday Worthy
40. Banana Split (RT: 89%)
Streaming on Netflix
A store brand discount Booksmart, but while Chocolate Creme Sandwich Cookies may never be Oreos they are still a serviceable sweet treat in a pinch. Star Hannah Marks co-wrote the script after nearly a decade of playing teens in similar projects so she knows the game and how to play it. It hits familiar teen movie tropes like love triangles, jealousy, and dweeby male best friend but enough of the vulgar jokes land and it seems to have some good insight about female friendship. It’s a shame the whole plot hinges on the very high school drama problem of keeping secret a friendship between Dylan Sprouse’s current beau and his recent ex. Sprouse is the weak link in this chain and it’s kind of hard to tell what insatiable appeal his long haired mumbling douche has to either of the charming young women. Marks and costar/real life friend Liana Liberato have such an amicable goofy relationship you spend much of the movie wishing they’d just ditch the boy drama all together and focus on their fast food fraternizing during the lawless summer between graduation and the start of college.
Tess Thought (32): They take the vulgarity a smidge too far at times, but Hannah Marks still makes it work for the most part.
39. The Call of the Wild (RT: 62%)
Streaming on HBO Max
The movie is a lot like the CGI dog that stars in it, it works sometimes and others don’t sit quite right. The fully digital canine Buck drifts into the uncanny valley and its facial expressions feel too anthropomorphised throughout. Luckily the reason for this digital stand in are some thrilling sequences they simply could not have gotten a real dog to perform without PETA coming for them with pitchforks and torches. At least I’m assuming the 3 previous theatrical, 2 made for tv movies and one miniseries adaptations of the Jack London novel didn’t feature as harrowing avalanche dodges and icy lake rescues or else a lot of visits to farms upstate were made. The emphasis on digital creation makes sense given first time live action Director Chris Sanders previously worked in animation including writing and co-directing both Lilo and Stitch and How To Train Your Dragon. His experience with these human/creature buddy features shows here as some of the strongest moments are the bonding between Buck and his various masters. The standout master is Harrison Ford, an experienced veteran of playing off a furry nonhuman costar, giving a strong and surprisingly still jacked performance as the grizzled narrator and old man running away from the anguish of his past. Sanders animation work may also explain why Dan Stevens’s tediously villainous treasure seeker comes off so cartoonishly evil.
Tess Thought (58): Harrison Ford has a perfect voice for narration, but his physical presence is greatly missed for a large portion of the movie.
38. Horse Girl (RT: 70%)
Streaming on Netflix
The strength of this movie rests entirely on the shoulders of Allison Brie who gives a no holds barred performance as the titular Horse Girl. Brie’s socially stunted Sarah seems a bit off from the start with her frequent visits to a stable where she offers assistance that clearly isn’t wanted by the owners. Brie builds sympathy while oozing introverted anxiety as Sarah struggles to connect with those around her but has pleasant enough interactions with a well deployed Molly Shannon as a friendly coworker and her roommate Nikki who seems to have taken her in out of pity. This early endearment keeps viewers invested as Sarah becomes increasingly unglued beginning to suffer from sleepwalking, short term memory loss, and paranoia that slowly convince her she is the subject of alien abductions and/or cloning experiments. Brie nails both her character’s initial fears of losing grip with reality and growing manic confidence in these delusions. It is quite the freaky journey into a broken mind. Does it really add up to anything at the end? *Shrug*
Tess Thought (48): It has a lot of potential but gets too inexplicably weird for me.
37. Run (RT: 91%)
Streaming on Hulu
A solid low budget thriller primarily set in the home of a wheelchair bound teen riddled with health issues and her devoted mother who may not be what she seems. Newcomer Kiera Allen does strong work in a physically demanding role as the daughter capturing the mixture of frailty and determination crucial to the story. Sarah Paulson is so natural at playing unhinged you wonder how anyone could buy her as sane. The film loses a bit of steam and its claustrophobic charm in the 3rd act as its plot becomes wilder and its scope expands, but at a brisk 90 minutes it doesn't overstay its welcome. Much more conventional than writer/director previous well received 2018 thriller Searching, it plays a bit like a stepping stone to a studio giving him the keys to a bigger budget feature. It will be interesting to see if and when he translates his mastery of small scale thrills to any grander ambitions he may have.
Tess Thought (44): Although the trailer tells you just how deranged Paulson is and exactly what Allen is up against, that doesn’t lessen the stress afflicted by the first hour in the slightest.
36. Relic (RT: 91%)
$4 rental or playing in the recesses of your mind for months if you think too hard about an isolated elderly loved one
I appreciate a movie that takes a very straight forward allegory and does it well so I can feel learned and wise without having to Google it later. This film makes literal the metaphorical horror of slowly losing a loved one to dementia. The sufferer’s mood swings and lashing out through their disorientation can make them seem like an entirely different darker person. For them, their once familiar and bright home becomes a dark labyrinth maze. Robyn Nevin, Emily Mortimer, and Bella Heathcote are all great as three generation of women dealing with the grandmother Edna’s disappearances and increased cognitive decline. The film is rated R, likely for some brief disturbing images near the finale as Edna’s decay becomes most physically represented, but Natalie Erika James, creates effective chills largely through its haunting atmosphere and relatability rather than the excessive gore and startles one may expect from its similarly rated peers.
Tess Thought (45): I would’ve had to Google it later but still very much enjoyed the ride.
35. Happiest Season (RT: 84%)
Streaming on Hulu
A pretty standard home for the holidays movie but with the added wrinkle of telling a moving coming out story. Leads Kristen Stewart and Mackenzie Davis have pretty good chemistry as a couple, at least in the brief scenes they share together before Davis’s Harper drops the bomb en route to her family home that she hasn’t actually told her parents she is a lesbian, let alone dating Stewart’s Abby. In a skill retained from her years of teen romance stardom, Stewart has mastered heartbroken misty eyed gazes as her character struggles with the lengths her partner goes to hide their love. I’m not sure if it was a bug in the script or on purpose but Davis’s Harper is downright unlikeable for much of the runtime. She coldly shoves Stewart’s Abby aside to spend time with high school friends, predominantly an ex-boyfriend, and plays the perfect daughter for her father’s mayoral campaign. It makes you wonder why Abby doesn’t pursue Harper’s ex Riley played with worldly warmth and charm by Aubrey Plaza. While much of the humor and story beats are fairly played out it has some good jokes, particularly a running bit about Abby’s cover story as Harper’s orphan roommate. The real saving grace however is the emotional core of the story, best exemplified in a late film speech by Dan Levy (delightful in pop ups throughout as Abby’s best friend), which holds the sometimes rickety exterior together.
Tess Thought (25): We are simply not worthy of Dan Levy. If you need to hear him deliver another flawless speech about love, watch season 4, episode 12 of Schitt’s Creek.
34. The Gentlemen (RT: 75%)
Streaming via Showtime if you’re currently using or forgot to cancel your 3 months free when you signed up for cable
After a decade of cashing big checks producing major studio IP projects (Sherlock Holmes 1 & 2, The Man From UNCLE, King Arthur: Legend of the Sword, Aladdin) Guy Ritchie gets back to his bread and butter with a twisty brash British gangster movie. While the film does not reach the heights of Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels or Snatch it does scratch a similar itch. Ritchie does a bit too much sophomoric limit pushing for the sake of limit pushing with a lot of casual racism, misogyny and even some bestiality based humor but kinetic action sequences and strong performances by a game cast help the film mostly overcome some of its more eye rolling features. Hugh Grant and Collin Farrell particularly stand out and it’s somewhat shocking this is their first collaboration with Ritchie given how seamlessly they integrate into his sensibilities. I do wish Ritchie had gotten around to making this a few years earlier so we could have gotten his dynamic early muse Jason Statham in the lead role rather than a fairly bland Charlie Hunnam.
Tess Thought (24): Guy Ritchie’s storytelling is enthralling. Despite my Red Lobster cheddar biscuits-induced food coma at the time and an aversion to Hugh Grant always, Ritchie had me hanging onto every word.
33. The One and Only Ivan (RT: 70%)
Streaming on Disney Plus
This hokey talking animal movie works far better than it has any right to and a lot of that credit has to go to casting director Randi Hiller. A bigger name or more obvious choice for the titular silverback gorilla like The Rock or Vin Diesel may have put more butts in seats had this gotten a theatrical release but Sam Rockwell imbibes greater nuance into the character with a subdued performance projecting the melancholic grief that drives the film’s animal exploitation narrative forward. Danny DeVito, the Trash Man himself, is a pitch perfect junkyard stray and gives life to corny lines and jokes that shouldn’t work. Bryan Cranston, the nominal villain in the work as the owner/operator of a shopping mall circus hosting various zoo animals, sells the financially driven skeezy aspects of the character while also maintaining a humanity that allows him to remain a sympathetic figure. Child actors can often make or break these kid movies, see 2019’s Dumbo, and here Ariana Greenblatt manages to thread the needle between being sweet but not treacly while acting as a go between the animals and the humans who ultimately control their fate. Overall an experience with a good message I think kids would enjoy that can keep the attention of an adult and occasionally poke them right in the feels.
Tess Thought (57): This did not keep my attention but it is unclear if I count as an adult.
32. The Midnight Sky (54%)
Streaming on Netflix
It is easy to see why director George Clooney was attracted to this project. It is his most visually ambitious and special effects driven directorial effort cribbing liberally from his experience acting in Gravity to create a hazardous deep space. Traveling through that space is the craft Æther which has some interesting futuristic design elements, particularly in the interior with many structures giving off the appearance of being 3D printed. Clooney also gets to give himself a plum role as a terminally ill scientist on a terminally ill Earth quickly being overcome by deadly radiation. The crew of the Æther are en route to Earth after a two year expedition scouting a potentially hospitable moon of Jupiter. Clooney’s Augustine Lofthouse and a seemingly mute young girl left behind at his evacuated research outpost must make a perilous journey across the bone chilling Arctic to alert Æther of Earth’s impending demise. Both sides of this story have great narrative potential but Clooney struggles with pacing when trying to move back and forth to give them equal shine rather than establishing a clear cut A plot and B plot. This problem is exacerbated by the fact that one side of this equation is far more compelling than the other. While Lofthouse is given a complete, moving, and fulfilling arc, the 5 member crew of the Æther are familiar composite characters each given cliched story beats to hit rather than character development. Bouncing between the two groups often cuts the palpable tension rather than building upon it. The potentially divisive ending is a microcosm of the film in that it’s a strong impactful idea but doesn’t land quite as cleanly as it should.
Tess Thought (27): Cool visuals, a rugged Clooney learns the importance of family, some Sweet Caroline, and Coach Eric Taylor - what more could you need?
31. Mank (RT: 84%)
Streaming on Netflix
Respect to director David Fincher using his considerable clout at Netflix to secure $30 million to finally bring his late father Jack Fincher’s screenplay to life after kicking it around since 1997. In a technical flex, this film about old hollywood is made to look, sound and feel like an old hollywood motion picture. Fincher shot in black and white and added fake scratches and cigarette burns on certain frames. It features old timey mono mixed audio and a zippy score composed only using period appropriate instruments by Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross. Gary Oldman absolutely devours some lengthy, usually drunken, monologues and conversations as the titular Citizen Kane scribe. Oldman also has some great banter with Amanda Seyfried who seems to have stepped right out of the era herself. Old also delivers one of the most unintentionally hilarious lines of the year when it’s revealed the visibly 62 year old actor has been playing a man in his 30s and early 40s the whole film. While it’s all pretty neat if you’re an old time film buff, a familiarity with Citizen Kane, the old studio system, the 1934 California gubernatorial election and William Randolph Hearst are all but required to keep everything straight. To quote producer John Housman’s in film criticism of the Citizen Kane script: “You’re asking a lot of a motion picture audience. All in all it’s a bit of a jumble. A hodgepodge of talky episodes. A connection of fragments that leap around in time like mexican jumping beans. The story is so scattered, I'm afraid one will need a road map.”
Tess Thought:
Follow Demi on Letterboxd. He knows.
30-21: Would Have Paid Full Price To See It In A Theater
30. On The Rocks (RT: 86%)
Streaming on Apple TV+ but so is Ted Lasso which is an excellent sitcom brimming with infectious optimism you really should watch first.
Your appreciation for this movie really hinges on how much you value Bill Murray and the charming slimeball persona he has built up over the years. Murray does similar but lesser work here than in his vastly superior previous collaboration with writer/director Sophia Coppola Lost in Translation. If that’s your cup of tea, the movie clips by largely on the charisma of his eccentric philandering father helping Rashida Jones determine whether her husband, Marlon Wayans, is cheating on her with a business associate. There’s not much going on from scene to scene other than Bill and Rashida hanging out and talking but the whole experience is slight and breezy with enough laughs and insight on midlife malaise that it goes down smooth. The film also prominently features “In Re Don Giovanni” by Michael Mynam, a reinterpretation of Mozart’s Madamina that I quite enjoyed and could not get out of my head after first viewing the trailer.
Tess Thought (35): Nothing really happens, but if you like dark blue color palettes then Sofia Coppola has created a very beautiful view of it all not happening.
29. Love and Monsters (RT: 91%)
$5 digital rental for now but seems tailor made for a second life on streaming very soon
A post apocalyptic horror/comedy in the vein of Zombieland with giant nuclear irradiated creatures in the place of zombies. Michael Rooker is even on hand to teach some survival skills as a junkyard version of Woody Harrelson’s Tallahassee character. Excellent creature designs and monster effects throughout help keep things distinct enough for the film to stand on its own two feet. It has some genuinely good bits as well like a running joke about the shameful act of food theft. The movie relies heavily on the considerable charm of star Dylan O’Brien who is often left with no one to act against except a dog and a glorified Amazon Alexa. He handles the task with aplomb selling both his character’s lovestruck dork determination and how wildly in over his head he is for his week long journey across the ravished wasteland to reunite with a girl he dated in the before times. The ending sells out a bit on the very subversive conclusion it initially sets up but when a studio is gunning for that midtier Maze Runner money you take what slight formula deviation you can get.
Tess Thought (26): Joel (Dylan O’Brien) embarks on a dangerous quest for love and finds some along the way in the best doggo “Boy.”
28. The Lovebirds (RT: 65%)
Streaming on Netflix
Comedians Kumail Nanjiani and Issa Rae are the key attraction here as a couple that unwittingly assist in a convoluted murder scheme. The two equal parts charismatic and talented performers are put to good use carrying a heavy load of rapid fire quips and wisecracks. They also form a believable pair with the rapport of a lived in relationship nearing its last legs with a mixture of mild resentment and lingering affection. The film is certainly broader and much less ambitious than director Michael Showalter’s previous Nanjiani led romantic comedy, the Oscar nominated The Big Sick, but still has its moments. The Lovebirds probably plays better in a world where the vastly superior and similarly twisty action comedy Game Night doesn’t exist but it has enough parts going for it and the unnecessarily complicated plot moves breezily enough across its 87 min that it’s tough to get too hung up on its shortcomings before the next good joke hits.
Tess Thought (20): Kumail Nanjiani and Issa Rae have good chemistry and funny banter. Better than Stuber, not quite as good as Date Night.
27. Bill & Ted Face The Music (RT: 82%)
Not currently streaming but available for rental or purchase
A long standing passion project between stars Keanu Reeves, Alex Winter and original series screenwriters Ed Solomon and Chris Matheson culminates in a nearly 30 years later sequel that may not quite be excellent but is certainly far from bogus. It is a blast watching the barely aged Winter and longtime action star Reeves slip right back into their iconic early roles as airheaded rock heroes Bill S. Preston Esq. and Ted “Theodore” Logan. It is even more fun watching them get to play different versions of the duo as the two travel forward in time trying to steal a universe saving song from their future selves. Also back in the fold are William Sadler as Death and Hal Landon Jr. as Ted’s no nonsense father both clearly delighted to return to the long dormant franchise. Samara Weaving and Brigette Lundy-Paine step in as Bill and Ted’s daughters Theadora and Billie who in a nice mirror to the first film travel, through time to gather the greatest musicians from all of history and also Kid Cudi to help form their fathers’ backing band for the salvational song. Lundy-Paine especially nails the Cali bro vocal inflections and slacker mannerisms of the original duo. Fellow series newcomer Anthony Carrigan, aka NoHo Hank from Barry, slowly walks off with the movie as you learn more and more about his anxiety riddled killer robot sent to vanquish Bill and Ted. It may be a little light on big laughs but its general fun and wholesomeness will surely put a 91 min grin on any fan of the unlikely saviors from San Dimas.
Tess Thought (41): Bill and Ted bring some much needed positivity and fun into 2020.
26. Get Duked! (RT: 87%)
Streaming on Amazon Prime
This British black comedy is the perfect mix of dumb and fun. Three dimwitted high school delinquents sent as punishment and one overachieving homeschooler are taken to complete the Duke of Edinburgh Award by crossing the Scottish Highlands where they are stalked by a deranged masked man. Writer-Director Ninian Doff cut his teeth making music videos and he brings those hip hop sensibilities and some drug induced trippy visuals to his first feature film. The film has a very similar vibe to Hot Fuzz, especially in the form of some bumbling Highland police officers on the trail of a notorious bread thief. It’s not as whip smart as that Edgar Wright classic but it has quality gags throughout and even some light generational politics mixed in for good measure. All four of the boys are great at playing off each other with Lewis Gribben as lunkheaded Duncan especially shining as just a pure uncut dullard. At an 87 min clip there’s few if any lulls in the whacky adventure with bangers on the soundtrack and some pretty shocking twists to boot.
Tess Thought (31): Basically The Hunt but instead of hunting adults, they’re hunting misunderstood kids with cool accents, which actually makes it a lot of fun.
25. The Way Back (RT: 84%)
Streaming on HBO Max
I don’t know exactly how the awards season will work for this year but it’s going to be a shame if Ben Affleck doesn’t get some acknowledgement for his work here. Fresh off his own stint in rehab Affleck ditches all pretense of A-List leading man to appear noticeably bloated, sweaty and disheveled in his portrayal of a former high school hoops star slowly drinking his life away to avoid processing previous pain. I’d be hard pressed to think of a more harrowing scene this year than when Affleck’s Jack Cunningham methodically plows through an entire case of beer in an evening like it’s an every day routine. All the more worrisome that he does so while he considers accepting a varsity coaching position at his alma mater. Director Davin O’Connor is old hat at producing quality moving sports dramas after previously knocking out Miracle and Warrior and shows the same deft touch here with realistic game and practice action. The script by Brad Inglesby, son of a former NBA player and high school basketball coach Tom Inglesby, avoids an easy cliched redemption story and the one big game that fixes everything ending. Addiction is a lifelong battle and the film shows how much work it does take to admit to a problem, let alone move forward, and how easy and devastating the backslides can be.
Tess Thought (36): I’m mad because I should love this movie and I don’t. Thanks a lot, Ben Affleck.
24. The Trial of the Chicago 7 (RT: 90%)
Streaming on Netflix
The dramatized infighting and ideological discourse aren’t as compelling as writer-director Aaron Sorkin wants them to be but the courtroom stuff is fantastic. Frank Langella, who has already earned one Academy Award nomination for portraying two of history’s greatest villains Richard Nixon and Skeletor, is phenomenal once again as notorious Judge Julius Hoffman. Hoffman passes out contempt charges like candy and in one of the more memorable incidents in the trial and film, has black defendant Bobby Seale bound and gagged in the courtroom. Speaking of Seale, Yahya Abdul-Manteen II does equally impressive work as the black activist denied his own proper representation and lumped in a farcical trial with men he had not even met before. The film definitely drops off a bit once his character and compelling performance make an exit. It is a cruel reminder of one of the many travesties 2020 has wrought, the delayed release of Abdul-Manteen’s performance in the hotly anticipated Candyman reboot. Everyone else does very solid work with Sacha Baron Cohen overcoming an at times shaky Boston accent to capture the infamous wiseass spirit of counter culture revolutionary and Youth International Party leader Abbie Hoffman and Jeremy Strong scores some big laughs as his perpetually stoned sidekick Jerry Rubin.
Tess Thought (23): I disagree about the aforementioned drop-off and think the movie doesn’t really pick up until the back nine once Eddie Redmayne’s Tom Hayden finally gets fired up.
23. Buffaloed (RT: 78%)
Streaming on Hulu
Buffaloed sets out to do for predatory debt collection practices what The Wolf of Wall Street did for pump and dump stock schemes and The Big Short did for subprime home mortgages. Director Tanya Wexler and first time screenwriter Brian Sacca, who maybe not very coincidentally had a minor acting role in the aforementioned Wolf, don’t quite reach the heights of their higher profile New York set brethren but in true Buffalo fashion assemble a scrappy winner. Zoey Deutch gives a star making turn as a foul mouth Buffalonian hustler determined to pull herself out of poverty by any legally dubious means necessary. The film earns additional goodwill from me by giving the talented Judy Greer more to do than she normally does in countless thankless mom roles as Deutch’s hardscrabble single mother. Most remarkably wooden plank Jai Courtney even registers as a positive for maybe the first time ever as an appropriately sleazy debt collection kingpin.
Tess Thought (15): Patrick from Schitt’s Creek. That’s all you need to know.
22. Athlete A (RT: 100%)
Streaming on Netflix
This is a harrowing documentary about Dr. Larry Nassar’s serial abuse of female athletes, predominantly the US Olympic gymnastics team. The sheer enormity of the number of lives one despicable man tarnished and various organizations that tried to systemically marginalize the victims is staggering. This documentary does a good job showing both the courage of the impacted athletes and the dogged determination of investigators for the Indianapolis Star that brought the shocking case and all the enabling parties that swept repeated travesties under the rug out into the public light. The widespread maleficence is hammered home in the affecting conclusion as an endless stream of current and former athletes come forward to bravely read their impact statements in open court. Directors Bonni Cohen and Jon Shenk do well placing Larry Nasar in the context of the full corrupt seedy history of Olympic gymnastics. There’s more than enough material here that could be expounded upon to fill a full miniseries. The secretive and isolated Karoyli Ranch where Olympic gymnasts were trained for decades by the physically and emotionally abusive Bela and Marta Karoyli, is a bit of a sidenote here but is a fascinating den of trauma and manipulation.
Tess Thought (29): It is horrifying that this is real life which makes Athlete A a difficult but necessary watch.
21. A Secret Love (RT: 100%)
Streaming on Netflix
A documentary about a forbidden romance between two female former professional baseball players and how they kept it secret for over 65 years. The love between Terry and Pat is so pure it’s staggering to know the lengths these women had to go to keep it from even their closest family members. It’s positively heartbreaking when they do finally come out and there are still members of their own families that in spite of their love for Terry and Pat struggle with acceptance. On the other side of things, the community and quasi-family Terry and Pat built with their fellow closeted friends and couples is an inspiring reminder of resilience and finding windows of happiness in even the harshest of circumstances. For two women who lived by their own rules it’s no surprise that the latter half of the documentary also deals with their struggles of reduced independence and the family’s highly relatable problems getting their fiercely independent aunts to move into an assisted living facility. Both the love story and the aging story are compelling, combined they make one of the finest humanistic documentaries in recent years.
Tess Thought (30): Pat and Terry, the two sweetest old ladies, had to hide their incredible love story for their entire lives but have no regrets and would do it all over again.
20-11: Would Have Sprung For Recliner Seats
20. Extraction (RT: 67%)
Streaming on Netflix
Just a rock solid action film with all the staples of the genres modern iterations. Chris Hemsworth is almost as beefy as the action stars of yore with perhaps greater acting chops and charisma. Long time stunt coordinator Sam Hargrove makes his directorial debut and he certainly knows how to stage and shoot his craft. From explosive firefights, John Wickian close quarters combat against a full room of assailants, a drag out brawl featuring Sheriff Hopper from Stranger Things and most impressively a 12 min long take car chase/foot chase/knife fight combo late in the first act. Throw in a fairly novel setting of the crowded streets of Bangladesh and you’ve got yourself 2 hours well spent despite a pretty boilerplate Man on Fire-esque plot.
Tess Thought (28): Objectively speaking, Chris Hemsworth > Chris Pine > Chris Evans > Chris Pratt.
19. The Old Guard (RT: 81%)
Streaming on Netflix
Another solid action movie from the Netflix mill. This time we’ve got a Highlander riff/comic book adaptation about a squad of immortal mercenaries. Early in the film there’s a cool display of their death defying powers as the immortals are mowed down by surprise machine gun fire in a seemingly failed raid, only to all snap back together to take out their would be assailants one by one with a combination of guns and medieval weapons. It owns. With both a new recruit to bring in to the fold and introduce to their world and a megalomaniac tech company head seeking to steal their immortality the film becomes a little overstuffed. As such, outside of Charlize Theron, who has had steely female badass on lockdown for the better part of the last decade, the immortals don’t leave much of an impression. As much of a treat as it is for all of us to see Dudley Dursely get some comeuppance, his Zuckerberg/Bezos riff leaves a bit to be desired in the menacing and combat departments. The climactic siege through a heavily guarded lab is solid action fodder but it would be pretty cool to see the group up against a more formidable opponent. The intriguing sequel teased at its conclusion will hopefully deliver even greater good.
Tess Thought (13): When a Hancock-esque Charlize Theron is exactly what you need in your life, Netflix delivers, and it’s even better than you could have imagined. Ready for the sequel to drop any time now.
Streaming on HBO Max
This would likely be ranked higher if Deadpool didn’t exist but I’m starting to feel some fatigue for zany foul mouthed fourth wall breaking antiheros. Luckily though, the film is not solely the Margot Robbie/Harley Quinn show and actually more of an ensemble piece full of interesting characters. Not to get too political but Ewan McGregor’s Roman Sionis/Black Mask really is a perfect Trump era villain. Roman is a narcissistic petulant man baby prone to fits coasting on inherited wealth and power that likes to play the tough guy but has henchmen do all his dirty work. Mary Elizabeth Winstead is another standout who hilariously adds a sort of verisimilitude to her trained in isolation since childhood to be an assassin Huntress character by making her incredibly awkward with little to no social skills. One big edge this comic book film has on many of its contemporaries is in fight choreography. Outside of one brief exception there’s no superhuman abilities on display that can often turn an action scene into a physics bending weightless CGI heavy mess. Major kudos to director Cathy Yang, making her studio debut, who shoots well staged close quarters combat with acrobatic stunt work and brutal bone snapping blows. The story’s a little sloppy but it’s Guy Ritchie-esque back and forth structure hides it well and keeps things moving.
Tess Thought (11): I may have liked this movie more than most other people did. It is just so much fun. What could be better than an antihero who is this colorful AND has an affinity for baseball? Also Friday Night Lights’ Jurnee Smollett (noticeably absent by name in the above review ^) steals the show.
17. The Invisible Man (RT: 91%)
Streaming on HBO Max
Much like in Relic, there is a pretty straight forward and well executed allegory at play here. Director Leigh Whannel, who also made the very enjoyable Upgrade, takes domestic violence being an often metaphorically invisible crime, swept under the rug, and gives it a literal interpretation. Anxiety courses throughout the film starting with its high tension opening as Elisabeth Moss tries to slink out in the middle of the night to escape the home of her abusive wealthy tech engineer boyfriend Adrian. Following the escape, Adrian commits suicide, but Moss’s Cecilia begins to be tormented by a progressively more and more aggressive entity she can not see. Two full acts of permeating dread culminate in one of the most shocking and inventive demises I’ve ever seen put to film. Upgrade fans will appreciate the more action heavy finale, lest they thought Whanell wasn’t going to scratch that itch. Moss is showstopping in her role as she portrays a full gamut of emotions in Cecillia’s empowering Sarah Connor-esque progression from helpless and constantly on the edge of a nervous breakdown to a stone cold calculating badass. The only thing that even slightly cut the ever mounting tension of this thrillride was an older couple seated behind us confusedly relaying the plot back and forth to one another.
Tess Thought (16): This is the kind of movie that really makes you hope and pray that COVID-19 doesn’t kill movie theaters.
16. Big Time Adolescence (RT: 85%)
Streaming on Hulu
I like Pete Davidson. A lot of people do not. Personally I find his perpetual screw up persona to be endearing. He’s used to great effect here in a supporting role as a 23 year old pied piper of mischief to his 16 year old friend Mo played by American Vandal’s Griffin Gluck. The plot covers a lot of familiar coming of age story ground but the dynamics of the pair’s odd friendship feel very genuine. Zeke and Mo are each living vicariously through the other. Dorky Mo is trying to bypass the painful awkward stages of high school socializing by spending his days drinking and smoking with his elders and Zeke gets to coast on reminiscing about his glory days as the cool stoner guy in high school while living in abject squalor with his scummy buddies. Jon Cryer breaks out from the hackery of his long stint on Two and a Half Men to show some unexpected depth as an exasperated father who doesn’t want to see his son fall under Zeke’s slacker spell. The film gets a little shaky when it disrupts the relationship dynamics by having Mo deal drugs to his high school peers on Zeke’s behalf and moves away from these strong core performances to focus on drama involving underwritten romantic partners for both Zeke and Mo. Luckily the central bromance supplies more than enough surprisingly affecting heart to make up for these brief lapses.
Tess Thought (19): I just don’t think you can watch Big Time Adolescence or The King of Staten Island (certainly not both) and NOT like Pete Davidson.
15. Never Rarely Sometimes Always (RT: 99%)
Streaming on HBO Max
This hardscrabble journey of a 17 year old Pennsylvanian and her cousin to New York City to secure a legal abortion, is an absolutely agonizing watch in the best way possible. Writer-director Eliza Hittman puts on a masterclass of showing not telling for maximum emotional impact as the story unfolds with rather sparse dialogue. Hittman utilizes almost exclusively hand held and close up shots to get viewers right inside the head of protagonist Autumn as confusion and desperation beset her in equal measure. Unknown Sidney Flanigan is an absolute knockout in her film debut capturing precisely when the overwhelming despair of the situation cracks through Autumn’s forced apathetic nonchalance facade in some heartbreaking moments. Hittman and Flanigan are both at their absolute best in the positively heart wrenching scene from which the title derives. Hittman shoots Flanigan in an unbreaking close up as Autumn answers sexual health questions from a Planned Parenthood counselor. Autumn progressively breaks down as the questions go on revealing more and more by saying less and less at each turn. While the whole experience of the film for both Autumn and viewers is harrowing, there are some beautiful pockets of humanity affirming kindness and devotion throughout that work to offset the grimy predatory outside world these two girls are far more exposed to than anyone should ever be.
Tess Thought (22): This made me queasy for the full 101 minutes.
14. Soul (RT: 97%)
Streaming on Disney Plus
Director Pete Doctor follows his masterpiece Inside Out with perhaps Pixar’s most conceptually ambitious swing yet. Instead of human emotions, this time Doctor gives metaphysical souls the anthropomorphized treatment. The script co-written by Doctor dives deep into the existential pool coming out more convoluted than Inside Out but with similar insight. Jamie Foxx gives a great vocal performance, really leaning into actually being 53 years old for once, as a failed jazz musician/middle school teacher whose untimely passing on the day of a big gig has him winding up on his way to the “Great Beyond.” Fleeing in a panic he winds up in the “Great Before” tasked with assisting a soul voiced by Tina Fey with finding the spark that completes her personality before she can be assigned to a body on earth. Pixar has long provided family entertainment to be enjoyed by children and adults but this is the first film where the scale has really slid more heavily to the mature side. There’s nothing inappropriate for children but there’s little outside of some talking cat and body swap hijinx that would prevent them from drifting out during its more philosophical passages. The animation is as stunning as you expect from Pixar with some fun design aspects like the Picasso style doodles that represent omniscient “Soul Counselors.” The soundtrack is filled with great jazz music on earth by Jon Batiste and futuristic synths in the purgatorial plane by none other than Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross. The film’s message about purpose and what it truly means to live hits hard but likely more for those that have experienced life rife with regrets or felt unfulfilled rather than the playground set.
Tess Thought (18): Soul is incredibly well done as Pete Doctor is incapable of anything else, but he set the bar unattainably high with the very similar Inside Out, which does a better job of striking a chord.
13. Borat Subsequent Moviefilm (RT: 86%)
Streaming on Amazon Prime
Who knew Borat could age so well? The whole beauty of the first film was bringing to gutbusting light some of the ignorance and flawed beliefs just simmering below the surface of American society that have been all too out in the open in recent years. While Sacha Baron Cohen takes plenty of hilarious shots at “McDonald Trump,” his gang of ghoulish cronies, and the ravenous supporters that have let him run the country the last 4 years the real focus is on a father daughter story packed with a surprising amount of heart. Maria Bakalova is an absolute comedic revelation as the unknown Bulgarian actress matches Cohen quip for quip playing Borat’s 15 year old daughter as they journey across America trying to secure an audience with Premier Trump. A global pandemic would seemingly derail a cross country mockumentary but Cohen hysterically incorporates the virus right into the plotline and gets some big punchlines in about the still ongoing shutdown discourse. Speaking of heart, while it remains great shock comedy seeing Borat get people to do and say repugnant things on camera, it’s genuinely affecting to see the way some good hearted people interact with the outlandish character looking past his buffonish behavior to try to reach out and correct his ignorance with kindness.
Tess Thought (17): This may be the most laugh out loud funny movie of the year.
12. Beastie Boys Story (RT: 94%)
Streaming on Apple Tv+, Mythic Quest: Raven’s Banquet is pretty solid also but you really should check out Ted Lasso if you’re on the app
Likely biased in ranking this so highly as it’s essentially a glorified TED Talk, but when the subject matter is the finest musical group in American history it’s going to get a bump. Presented on stage live in their stomping grounds of Brooklyn by the two surviving Beasties Mike D and Ad Rock and filmed by frequent video collaborator Spike Jonze, the film serves not only as a retelling of their wild rock and roll tale but a loving tribute to the heart and spiritual leader of the group MCA. Filled with archival videos, photos and of course, their decades worth of bangers, Story overflows with humor, wistful nostalgia and gained wisdom. Watching some Jewish punk rock kids hanging out in run down apartments and clubs transition into one of the most forward thinking genre pushing groups in the history of hip hop is well worth burning your two week trial of Apple TV+.
Tess Thought (12): T-Swift’s Miss Americana (excluded from the reviews because Ryan wisely opted out) is a 1-star documentary because it is stale and unrevealing. Beastie Boys Story is refreshingly the opposite. It draws you in, holds you close, and makes you love the Beastie Boys even if hypothetically you’d previously thought their music was just noise.
11. Bad Education (RT: 94%)
Streaming on HBO Max
Hugh Jackman has already cemented his status as a superhero legend and a top notch song and dance man but the pure acting ability on display here matches anything he does with his impressive physique and vocal chords. Seven time Emmy and one time Oscar winner Allison Janey likewise, does not miss. Both create characters you’ll love to hate but still feel some sympathy for as you watch their embezzlement scheme slowly collapse thanks in large part to the work of an unassuming student reporter (Geraldine Viswanathan). Jackman’s superintendent Frank Tassone is especially fascinating as by all intents and purposes he appears to be great at his job; connecting with students and producing the test results and college placement his demanding school board requires. It’s compelling to watch as the vanity and duplicitousness that pervade every aspect of Tassone’s life eventually overcome his redeeming qualities. It also needs to be mentioned that Ray Romano is on an unbelievable hot streak. As if ashamed by cashing his 5th Ice Age check, Romano has followed it up with great performances in acclaimed films The Big Sick, Paddleton (which emotionally crippled me like no film I have ever seen. I can not more highly recommend you stream it on Netflix immediately), The Irishman, and this all right in a row. Director Cory Finley will be a name to watch in the future as just his second feature displays a Fincher-esque mastery of blocking and composition that make a conversation-heavy script play like a top tier thriller.
Tess Thought (9): I love a bad guy who can make you question whether you hate them or not, and this movie has two of them! Who knew such vain, egotistical embezzlers could be so charming?
10-1: My Emotions! My Emotions!
10. Freaky (RT: 83%)
Still a $20 digital rental but snag a frozen pizza and pop a big ole bowl of popcorn and you’ve got yourself a rona friendly date night
This is just a fun, fun film. Writer/Director Christopher Landon (Happy Death Day) takes the unlikely pairing of two worn out subgenres, body swap comedy and slasher movie, to form something inventive and new. It delivers on all the grisly and inspired kills you expect a masked killer movie to provide, particularly in an opening sequence that hits all the touchstones of the genre while going ever so slightly over the top to zone you in on big laughs to come. These laughs do come in heavy droves largely on the back of a stellar major studio comeback lead performance from Vince Vaughn. Vaughn’s physicality is just pitch perfect for this role both getting to use his hulking 6’5 frame to be a genuinely menacing force and nailing the hand gestures and mannerisms of a teen girl trapped in said frame. It even manages to sneak in some unexpected heart along the edges as a grieving family unconventionally heals.
Tess Thought (4): Vince Vaughn, as anticipated, is an absolute delight as an 18-year old girl Freaky Friday-ed into his giant body. Kathryn Newton, who was insufferable in last year’s Detective Pikachu, is actually a pleasant surprise as the Blissfield Butcher, but most importantly Vince is perfect as always.
9. Onward (RT: 88%)
Streaming on Disney Plus
Pixar pulled a fast one on me with what I thought was just a well made goofy buddy comedy and absolutely wrecked my feels once again. While the story takes place in a fantastical world full of mythical creatures the film’s strength lies in its humanity, dissecting father-son and sibling relationships. Chris Pratt and Tom Holland are perfectly utilized as lovable lug Barley and his neurotic younger brother Ian. The two elves' father passed away before Ian was born but thanks to a magic staff and visitation spell he receives for his 16th birthday, Ian is able to summon his wizard father back for a single 24 hr period. Unfortunately through magical mishap the brothers only restore their father’s lower half leading to both an action packed noble quest to complete the summoning and to some great slapstick moments throughout from what is essentially a sentient pair of legs. Pixar veteran Julie Louise-Dreyfuss is great as the boys’ mother and gets a worthwhile sidequest as well. There’s inventive fun fantasy world touches throughout like a pixie biker gang and the dragon the heroes face at the end is one of the most visually inspired creations in the Pixar pantheon. The climax is a perfect near wordless stretch that hammers the emotions in a way only Pixar can.
Tess Thought (14): This really sneaks up on you. The first half is good, but the second half is better.
8. The King of Stanten Island (RT: 74%)
Worth the couple bucks to rent
After directing a heartfelt documentary tribute to his mentor Garry Shandling, Judd Apatow returns to his comedy wheelhouse with another tale of a stunted man child working to mature. What separates Pete Davidson’s Scott from previous Apatow leads is some strong sympathetic justification for his arrested development. Scott, in a semi-autobiographical touch, lost his firefighting father at a young age and the grief over that combined with some mental illnesses have stunted this enfant terrible. His father died a hero leaving Scott an impossibly high bar to clear so he doesn’t apply himself and self sabotages to avoid having to measure his true merit up to that legacy. It’s some heavy stuff and the film walks a tightrope between respecting Scott’s struggle while also making it clear he has to take some responsibility and get out of his own way. As with seemingly all Apatow productions there’s at least 20-30 min you could pretty easily chop off and streamline for a more effective film. Some of these indulgences work: Action Bronson giving the funniest per screen time performance of the year as a man bleeding profusely from an abdominal wound reluctant to reveal its origin and only casually requesting assistance. Others do not: a whole robbery subplot and trip to a college dorm party. Luckily, Davidson shows better acting than some of his SNL sketch work would imply, supplying enough humor and soul to keep the sometimes haphazard plot moving. Fellow standup comedian Bill Burr steals the show with heretofore unseen dramatic chops as a suitor for Scott’s mom (Marisa Tomei) turned mentor to Scott. Anything involving Burr’s firefighter Ray and his stationmates including former real life firefighter Steve Buscemi is fantastic.
Tess Thought (8): Judd Apatow did what Judd Apatow does and gave his daughter a role that should’ve gone to someone else and let the running time go way too long. Aside from that, he did a great job with this movie. Pete Davidson could not possibly be more endearing.
7. Palm Springs (RT: 94%)
Streaming on Hulu
This is the best romantic comedy of the last 5 years unless you want to count the homoerotic undertones of The Lighthouse. It may be the most representative film of 2020 as its central premise of repeating the same day over and over has only gained more relevance as we cruise through the 9th month of semi-quarantine. Andy Samberg and Cristin Miloti have palpable chemistry playing two wedding guests who find themselves trapped in a time loop. Samberg’s Nyles has already been through the loop innumerable times, long enough to forget what his previous profession even was, which brings a notable nihilist streak to the proceedings. Miloti’s Sarah is a bit more motivated to escape the endless cycle but embraces the chaos long enough to fall for Nyles and take part in a hilarious party montage that may be the most fun scene in a film this year. But despite how many millionth birthday cakes they make, dick tattoos they draw, and costume changes they make, the ennui of the situation sets in and it quickly becomes an existential nightmare. J.K. Simmons knocks it out of the park getting a chance to once again work with his best friend Samberg, as a villain turned fount of wisdom. Simmons's call for us all to “Find your Irvine,” is a timely message to appreciate the beauty and joy that exists in every moment even when you feel stuck in a repeating rut. If existential wisdom and big laughs aren’t enough for you, the soundtrack is full of summer time bops.
Tess Thought (3): If I could remove the bloody teeth scene, I would love every single thing about this movie. Andy Samberg is a treasure.
6. Da 5 Bloods (RT: 92%)
Streaming on Netflix
Much of my knowledge about the Vietnam War derives directly from film and television: Full Metal Jacket, Platoon, Forrest Gump, First Blood Parts 1 & 2, Principal Skinner’s flashbacks and the two episodes of the Ken Burns documentary I finished before Netflix lost the streaming rights. This made it quite enlightening for Director Spike Lee to provide some perspective from not just the often marginalized eyes of black soldiers but also the Vietnamese people for whom the American involvement was just a small portion of a decades long conflict. Particularly affecting is a scene in which the Bloods, a squad of black infantrymen, hear news of the shooting of MLK while in a foreign land fighting for a country full of people that seem to hate them. Lee makes the aesthetic decision to have the older actors portray themselves in this and various other flashbacks in the film sans any makeup or digital deaging techniques. It creates a sense of the men forever reliving and being deeply impacted by these memories no matter how removed from them and their time as soldiers they become. That Lee manages to sneak these thought-provoking qualities into a treasure hunt story that in lesser hands would play like a geriatric Triple Frontier, shows that 35 years into his directorial career he’s still one of the most important voices in American cinema. Frequent Lee collaborator Delroy Lindo absolutely devours the back half of this film with his performance as a MAGA hat wearing and PTSD afflicted Paul. The film sadly takes on some added poignancy with the passing of Chadwick Boseman who casts a large shadow over the proceedings as a beloved fallen squad leader and mentor for the Bloods.
Tess Thought (21): I don’t think I’ve ever seen older actors play their younger selves without any deaging. A powerful, effective choice for old Spike.
5. The Devil All The Time (RT: 64%)
Streaming on Netflix
Adapted from a novel, the film captures the feel of a great literary work where chapters jump back and forth between thematically aligned but disparate vignettes culminating in a highly satisfactory intertwined finale. The book’s author Donald Ray Pollock serves as a narrator to add to this effect as director Antonio Campos masterfully stages depictions of the interplay between religious fanaticism and violence, the havoc they both wreak and the downtrodden who are so often swept up in their wake. Tom Holland gives a career best performance as a ball of barely controlled rage and resentment produced by cycles of poverty and violence. The rest of the loaded cast is firing fastballs as well with sweat dripped performances and lips full of dip spouting some wild accents that can’t possibly be regionally accurate but in my perspective added to its surreal southern gothic charm. Robert Pattinson did not get a dialect coach to create his Strother Martin-esque twang for his part as a corrupt preacher and judging by the number of times I’ve gone around my home spouting “Delusions!” he may be my favorite character of the year.
Tess Thought (7): The Devil All The Time is very good, but I never need to see it again. Ryan running around yelling “deeeluuusions!!!” is more than enough of a reminder of some scenes that can’t be unseen.
4. I’m Thinking of Ending Things (RT: 81%)
Streaming on Netflix
Charlie Kaufman has long been a name synonymous with the surreal after penning Being John Malkovich, Adaptation and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. His third directorial feature, adapting a novel by Iain Reid, and shot in a claustrophobic 4:3 aspect ratio may be his most mind bending film yet. What begins as the tale of a young woman (Jessie Buckley) taking a trip to meet the parents of her pleasant but boring boyfriend Jake (Jesse Plemons) drifts slowly into full blown theatre of the absurd. The protagonist’s name and profession change repeatedly in conversation as she contemplates ending her 7 week relationship during their long winter drive to Jake’s family farm. Plemons from back to his days as Todd on Breaking Bad, has always had a knack for playing schlubby dullards that something just isn’t quite right about and, save perhaps his rollicking turn in Game Night, has never been better deployed. Toni Collette and David Thewlis are likewise impeccable cast delights as Jake’s bizarre but personable parents who host a temporally unstable dinner party for the young couple. Don’t look for easy answers or explanations from a final act that increasingly unravels growing more bizarre at each turn. There’s an animated portion, stage makeup and a full on ballet interlude, but if you get on Kaufman’s wavelength you’ll leave more than satisfied with this peculiar journey.
Tess Thought (6): I like when movies tell me exactly what they mean, and this one certainly does not do that at any point. Normally that results in me feeling dumb and discarding the movie as bad, which I may have for i’m thinking of ending things if it wasn’t so captivating. The performances, the visuals, and the bogus plot are confusing, yes, but also completely mesmerizing.
3. Sound of Metal (RT: 97%)
Streaming on Amazon Prime
Riz Ahmed turns indisputably the finest acting performance of the year as drummer Ruben whose years of hard rocking have left him suddenly and rapidly going deaf and years of hard living have left him a recovering heroin addict. Olivia Cooke is positively heartbreaking as Ruben’s bandmate/partner battling her own demons and trying to do what’s best to help the man she loves despite his frequent refusal to act in his own self interest. It’s no shock that a story by credit goes to anguish king Derek Cianfrance (Place Beyond The Pines, phenomenal 2020 HBO miniseries I Know This Much Is True). The Academy might as well stop handing out sound design and mixing Oscars if the technical mastery on display here doesn’t sweep the categories. Sound editor Nicolas Becker, sound mixer Phillip Bladh and the entire sound crew engrossingly recreate the disorientation of Ruben’s various levels of sound loss from muffled almost underwater sounding rumbles to total silence and all the distortions in between. Director Darius Marder shoots extensively in handheld and tight close up’s to capture the isolation of the ordeal and the manic desperation to exhume control Ruben feels in his helpless situation. The script by Marder and his brother Abraham is beautiful and speaks to both the restorative powers of community and human connection and the daily mental struggle of addiction, be it substance or experiential, they do battle against. After a masterful second act involving a group home for deaf addicts run by Vietnam vet Joe (give Paul Raci all the awards as well), the film meanders ever so slightly, but it more than makes up for its brief dalliances with one of the most serene concluding moments put to film. In the chaos of the last year in this world that never stops, it’s never been more important to find and embrace those divine moments of stillness and silence.
Tess Thought (2): You experience every second of this painful, raw story as if it’s your own, thanks to some incredible sound engineering and a flawless performance by Riz Ahmed. Note to self to never take hearing for granted and to remind my brother who plays the drums to wear ear plugs all day everyday.
2. Tenet (RT: 70%)
I think you can still catch it in theaters if you have a sturdy hazmat suit otherwise available for rental/purchase
CGI? Never heard of her. Christopher Nolan grabbed a bunch of the most expensive film cameras known to man, drove a real 747 aircraft into a building, and set a seat shaking Ludwig Goransson score to the footage. People were annoyed they weren’t quite catching all the film’s dialogue? Philistines. Nolan has made the big bold James Bond movie he’s been flirting with for years and said forget your franchise, my James Bond is black and he can time travel. Or reverse entropy, or whatever. Nolan sets the tone early with a masterful opening scene raid on a packed opera house. He later stages a dope highway car chase, flipping vehicles all over the road and then makes it equally thrilling when he runs through it again backwards. There’s reverse bungee jumping up a building! Does it get chaotic at times? Hell yeah it’s chaotic, there’s a military siege happening forwards and backwards with simultaneous implosions and explosions. It’s sensory overload on the grandest scale. Truth be told I checked out entirely while Kickass ran down the gobbledygook “temporal pincer” gameplan before the final set piece because all I needed to know was some serious shit was about to go down. John David Washington has vast genetic swagger inherited from his father Denzel and paired with the physical prowess gained from his years of professional football, it makes him the ideal suave yet rough and tumble international man of mystery. Kenneth Braghnah gets to do a hammy snarling Russian accent as the bad guy. Elizabeth Debicki is tall as hell and uses every inch of her length in a wild escape. I’m all in on Robert Pattinson as Batman. To quote the movie, “Don’t try to understand it, feel it.” This experience is exactly why the movie theater industry implications of extended shutdowns and recent news that Warner Brothers is semi bypassing theaters with all its major releases next year are so devastating. Some spectacle just needs a ginormous screen, huge rattling speakers pushed to their limits, cushy recliner seats with giant cupholders and a big ole bucket of popcorn. Cinema owns.
Tess Thought (1): Lady Gaga says it best:
1. Dick Johnson Is Dead (RT: 100%)
Streaming on Netflix
In a very unique year for film, it’s only fitting that a truly one of a kind film scores the top spot on this list. Dick Johnson is a poignant exposition on death, loss and the tribulations of watching your loved ones grow old and fade away but at the same time a vibrant, humorous celebration of life. Documentary filmmaker Kirsten Johnson turns the camera on her titular father Dick and follows their journey together through the ups and downs of his slow decline from dementia. Along the way they explore the end of life with elaborately staged potential demises and heavenly fantasies to work through and take some punch out of the impending darkness. Through it all the impossibly adorable octogenarian Dick remains a singular undeterred force of happiness and love that he shares for his family, friends and above all life itself. Make sure you have a few boxes of tissues on hand because he’s gonna hit all your heart strings.
Tess Thought (5): It contains perhaps one too many fake death scenes when the magic is in the real, albeit mundane, everyday life of the adorable Dick Johnson. Perfect movie for when you need a good ugly cry.
Previous Years
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